Kisses

I feel like death every day. My mind cannot ever rest. Ever. I am 42 & have been drinking since 2007. Before that, I was married to a violent man but had insurance. Since then I have lost my parents, 2 dear friends and my fiancee. I live alone for the first time ever in the country. The rent is extremely cheap. I work a very part time cash job and barely get by. I have been so out of my mind for a good while now.Or rather trapped in my mind. I need mediated badly. I recently applied for Medicaid and ssi. I have been awake for hours and need to start getting ready for work. I've dreaded it all night. I'm a caregiver so if you can imagine I will spend my day nursing after an elderly woman who really doesn't need me but her husband is wealthy and convinced her she cannot do anything for herself.

I barely keep my job and it's all I've ever done. I cannot work with the public whatsoever. My anxiety has been reaching extreme levels and I am very fearful of everything. Just admitting that I can feel the much of fear come over me. My bills can only be paid if I go to work as I get paid daily.

We are having record freeze and i I .can barely keep my house warm enough to be here. We have 8 inches of snow coming and i will have definite trouble getting home.I am sitting here sweating at the thought of dealing with this and it's just part of mycurrent problems.

I have thought if every excuse not to go but if I don't I will sit here broke and guilty fretting over not going. I will worry about my wAter freezing and my cat being cold and the drive. It will consume me all day.

I'm literAlly terrified and so lost as to what to do frntmoment. I t feel like crying and screaming but I don't even have energy to. hI ntoI don't know what to do. I feel so desperate!

Kisses

Here I am in my ratty old vehicle that thankfully started. I'm down the road from work waiting to go at the730. I am worried that I left something on at home. That my pipes will freeze cause even dripping it was beginning. My front end has been handling funny and so that scares me for the ride home. What if I can't get out tomorrow?

My body aches from a weekend of drunkenness. I feel so sick body and mind. I smoked so much I cannot breathe and am convinced I have copd and possibly cancer.

My oldest sister called yesterday and is terribly worried about me. I was drunk again and not coping. She wants me to go to a rehab. I would lose my home. Who would feed my kitten? I've been homeless just last year and never want to go through that again!

Everything I need has a catch or two or three. I have one daughter who does speak to me and she struggles herself. My ex husband would never help me. I have nobody who really can or will.

What does everyone else do when they are in complete crisis? I've never been hospitalized but should have been many times. How did you get help going and keep your home or bills paid? Ssi turned med down a few times years ago. What will I do? How do I do it? I sure would like to demand help from the man from my church who molested me and started me off on this dark road!

AddictGuy

I see no one has answered you. I must say, it's an easy one to run from and go on to the next post. But, someone should at least talk to you.

First, don't drink. You want a mission? You want to know what to do next? Hey, if you keep drinking however bad it is now, you are even going to be less able to do anything about it and make it worse. Besides, drinking cost money. Your issues need you to be completely present and you can't be reeling from drunkenness or the following sickness and all of that. Be sober for your cat. Be sober for your home.

You say you got into your car and went to work. Good. What about tomorrow, you ask? I would say, what about today? Jesus was to have said, "Fret not for tomorrow, for the day has enough care of itself." Sure he talked funny but you get it. Ponder it. Be wholly in the present.

I am sorry that guy molested you. I have heard it said: It may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility. Take responsibility.

Clearly, right now, you are day to day. So take it that way. Regardless of everything, you have to make a firm commitment to you, and that means no &^%$ drinking. You need to live three minutes at a time. Just take care of the next three minutes.

I see you have gone for lots of help. I have heard it said that you will find no helping hand like the one on the end of your arm. I think you need to grasp that.

I will talk to you.

AddictGuy

I don't think you need to ask yourself if you want to take care of your cat or your house or keep your job. I think it is more fundamental than that. I think you need to ask yourself if you want to live, and if you do, then start acting like it. Stop killing yourself. Don't drink. Don't smoke. Go do your job. Some people don't have a job. What else do you have to do?

AddictGuy

Again, Kisses. I was thinking about that helping hand. You know, the one on the end of your arm. Isn't that the one that puts the smoke and alcohol in your mouth? That's not what I would call a helping hand. That is a hurting hand. You need to turn that hand into a helping hand, one day at a time? H**l! One minute at a time. One present moment at a time. Do what you can today to make tomorrow a little better - - - - not worse. Choose life.

Anna

Hi,

I hope that you will talk to your dr about your anxiety issues. There is help available with therapy and/or medication and you might be able to cope better. It would also be a good idea to talk to your dr about stopping drinking because alcohol is a depressant and it will continue to affect you negatively as long as you drink.

There is lots of hope.

Kisses

Thank you for talking to me. It's like I know what to do and grow overwhelmed with the realities and hurdles and my head just spins! I get horrible anxiety all day every day. I have worked so hard and struggled with mental illness my entire life. I'm just so sick of it and getting real help feels impossible. Why does it feel so hard to just cope? I know you're right and drinking does make everything i worse. It is the devil for me! I wish I knew how to get that feeling of relief as I always believe I am doing with the first drink. This feel like a living hell!

Mountainmanbob

Drinking if alcoholic ?
only makes our problems worse.
If alcoholic ?
we need to find a way to stop drinking.

For a more successful attempt with SSI
an attorney usually works best.

Mountainman

Kisses

Thank you also, Anna. I don't even have a doctor. I haven't seen one in a couple years not even for a check up. I've been in and out of therapy my whole life until a few years ago. I took nothing from my ex husband in fear he would think he still owned me and it has cost me dearly. I did go to a 21 day rehab. I thought I hd it whipped but then crashed when my other sister threw me out over texts one day on my way to work. She has her own mental illness that she refuses to address. She is also texting on alcoholism. She kept everything I owned. I recently had to start seeing her at my job when another nurse quit the homepage company. I hadn't seen or spoken with her in over a year.

Both my parents had mental illness. My aunt had paranoid schizophrenia and was an alcoholic. I get scared because I see many of the same traits in myself. My oldest sister is bipolar and my brother has depression and terrible anger issues. I feel so flawed and broken like I will never get a grasp on it.

maia1234

Kisses- I am so sorry for what is going on in your life. You fan tackle this!!!

First off, like AddictGuy says, you need to stop drinking and smoking. Don't spend one more dime on them. Once you get those toxins out of your body your anxiety will lessen. It will be a challenge, but that is the number one thing you need to tackle.

Take one hour at a time as that is the best thing that you can do for yourself. Once your head and body become clearer you can battle the other issues you have.

Hugs my friend, it can only happen if you want it to!!

Kisses

Thank you Bob. I agree 100%. I know it but can't seem to do it for very long. I had a lawyer before and got nowhere but things are much worse or sure feel that way. I had to re-file recently. My older sister tells me she'll help me but her health and emotional problems are a full time job for her I know. I feel so lost after being part of a family my whole life.

biminiblue

Even without insurance you can walk into a county hospital and ask for help.

First things first - take care of the alcohol problem. Go to the hospital and lay it all out like you did here.

The best thing is to stop drinking, right now. If you find medical care, none of the medications are going to help you if you are drinking. They don't work when alcohol is being used. Plus it is increasing your symptoms. There is help for you but you have to do something.

Can you call AA? They can help you.

Kisses

Thank you Maia. You are so right!!!

Kisses

I'm so ashamed at myself and the many horrible things I have done drunk. I avoid the local hospitals because my mom's old best friend's son works in one ER and my daughter who despises me at the other. This is an awful gossippy place where we live and I'm songs embarrassed by my behaviors. I barely get to work or to buy food even when I'm not drinking. I've backed myself into a nasty dark corner that I'm afraid of but can't seem to budge. I know I need serious help. I've never had to ask for help until the past few years and I swear most people act like there's no way I could need help. I have despised therapy and medication but this time I know it is an100% necessity!

biminiblue

Dark corners. Refusing help. Medicating with alcohol. 1000 excuses. Sounds very alcoholic...and very familiar.

Don't pick up a drink today.

AddictGuy

thanks, everyone for helping me here.

Kisses

Thank you all so much! I never knew about alcohol. The more I do, the more I despise it. I pray I can do this! I feel my mind slipping away day by day.

Della1968

I have been where you are at...once I got sober things started falling into place. And the things that didn't fall into place were much more manageable. I am not sure what your state has but can you try to get Medicaid or something for the medical? If you go to the hospital they can help set you up with some assistance that you may not be aware of.

Kisses

Thank you Della. I applied for Medicaid last week. Part if my problem is I work for cash and my boss will not give me any type of verification. It's the only work I know and now that I've had some run its with the law, I can't be employed by any agencies at all. So, I don't know how to work with that.MMy ex mother inlaw works there! I'd so like to start somewhere new but that also scares me to think of not even having the few people I do have.

I know I need to somehow see a doctor and get back in therapy no matter what. It's the hows that confuse me even more. I wish my brain would shut up for a while!

Anna

I think your best option would be to go to an ER and talk about your issues with alcohol and the mental health issues. Hopefully they will be able to give you the advice and/or treatment that you need to help you get started. I know how hard it will be to take the first step, but try to put aside your fears of family and friends seeing you, and just go and be honest. That's how you will get the help you need.