Soberpotamus

First of all, I was unsure where to post this - as anything triggering could fall under the "Alcoholism" catch-all. But since this is about depression and some OCD tendencies, thought it best to go here.

My beautiful cat, Ava, has been missing a couple days now. My husband went looking for her last night and the neighbor told him he saw her hiding under his vehicle the night before. Three dogs came over to the truck to find her but he ran them off. She then darted out from under the truck, across the street and back to our yard. Ok, nothing unusual about any of that, except for the three dogs. There is a leash law here and so those dogs are most likely wild dogs, as we live surrounded by some woods and fields.

I cried last night. Already started grieving her. And just very depressed today and finding it hard to move around and do anything.

The reason I'm posting is not because of the immediate problem though. I'm posting because I've been thinking about death a lot lately. Most of you who know me will know that I lost my mother to addiction related suicide a few years ago. So, I'm still dealing with that and grieving, of course. Well, lately I've been thinking a lot about losing my cats, dogs, and husband. And about dying, myself. Dealing with a lot of thoughts of futility.

I feel like I'm in a time warp where I'm going really fast, things are speeding up and death will soon be thrust upon me. I know this isn't true. But, still.

The fact is... we are all going to die. I suffer from some type of severe existential angst, and this goes back to my youth, well before my mother died. I gravitated to philosophy classes when I was just a kid in college. Apparently, this is my cross to bear. I have a hard time reconciling life and death

And things are worse all of a sudden for me, now that I'm sober nearly two years, it's like... wow, well, what to do?? Just kind of waiting, passing the time, before I die.

Ha. I know this is going to be lovely and depressing to read on Monday morning. I guess I need you all and your thoughtful comments right now. I'm suffering

Hope4Life

Hi Jennie,

I'm very sorry that your cat is missing. I have been through that several times and it is heartbreaking. One time, I found my cat locked in a neighbor's garage about a week after she disappeared.... so keep hope in your heart as she may turn up.

I hope you can find the strength to live your life and not spend the rest of your days waiting for the end. I have lost everyone in my family now, so I can relate to your grief very clearly. My family decided, after the deaths of my Grandparents, that we would not hold funerals anymore. That has left the grieving process entirely up to each family member and for me, has largely gone unresolved....

I decided over the last couple years to seek some outside help to help me let go of the grief I had pushed down regarding those losses. Having someone who could provide a completely new and unbiased take on my brothers suicide, the murder of my fiance and my parents deaths has helped me immensely. I now realize that the traumas I have dealt with have affected every aspect of my life and caused my addiction issues to accelerate and gain control of me.

I now live my life just trying to do the next right thing while cleaning up the wreckage of my past. Each day has it's challenges but I am able to deal with them on life's terms rather than drinking and using to mask my feelings.

Please consider seeing a therapist who can help you work through your grief.

Hold peace in your heart.

Soberpotamus

Thanks for replying, Hope4Life. I'm sorry you're had to experience so much death.

I do live my life, it's just starting to feel like a slog. No more therapists for me, I saw them from age 17 through 37. Done with it all. It was all quite a joke, really. Not one therapist helped me deal with anything I couldn't handle myself. It was just wasted money.

I'm at the point where there are no "band-aids on the wound", and life, as it turns out, really is this bitter. Not that there aren't good things. There are, of course. I love life. It's just so sad there's so much pain. It's a shame. I used to be so hopeful and exuberant about so many things. I must have been delusional.

biminiblue

Reality is just difficult at times, and I'm not making light of your situation. Animals being missing definitely triggers old feelings of loss and lack of control, so I understand. Both of my animals are old; one is ill and on occasion I will start down that path myself.

I've also lost everyone in my family. I can't change that. I will never be happy about that, but it is my reality. I also have no faith in therapy. I mostly try to manage my obsessive thinking. It is the root of most of my discomfort. Letting go, distraction, acceptance - these are the things that help me today.

I hope kitty returns. I've heard and read lots of stories about wandering kitties who return.

serenityfreedom

I'm so sorry Jennie. I have lost many Cats in my life, The last one was 23 years old. Human years! One that I lost I found abandoned,so small I couldn't even tell it was a cat. It grew so strong and healthy in the 3 years I had it, when it disappeared on a thanksgiving day, and I know it had a violent death.(no need to go into detail) I couldn't get out of bed for over a month,other than to eat and go to the bathroom which wasn't often. I understand the pain of loss. I found out last year that a former fiance was murdered. Shot in the head and her then husband stabbed to death. They caught the guy and he hung himself in his cell. Several friends of mine have passed away too.
Last July I was with my sister in law when she took her last breath after fighting M.S. I looked her in the eye as she died and said"dance into the light. which was one of her favorite songs. I believe She has gone to a better place, her pain is over. I am grateful for the time I have here now. I feel like these experiences have made me stronger. There are no problems that drinking can't make worse. I hope you find your cat.
peace-Jonathan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZnD6HqCKZI

jaynie04

Jennie…I lost a cat 2 years ago and it was the beginning of the end for me, I went to rehab 6 weeks later. I hated the not knowing (he was here with housekeeper when I left at 3:30 and gone when I got back at 5). It was very intense for me too.

I think I have mentioned that we have a cat shelter for ferals. We have 5 acres but abut a 300 acre preserve. I have 3 in the house but the others live there. (It's cushy, with beds and heaters and 24/7 food). I lock them up at night but on 2 occasions two different cats didn't come home. Bonnie, an orange tabby was gone for 5 days last fall. I was a mess. And Paul disappeared for 3 days. I found a really good website Lost Cat Behavior - Missing Pet Partnership
It gives good tips. Sitting out very late at night calling her softly might be a good strategy. I feel your pain, but there are stories of cats that come home after weeks. Chances are she is scared but very close.

I know this is about the bigger picture. I think a lot about my mortality and death. Every night when I go to sleep I am painfully aware that I am safe and warm and that there are so many people and animals who aren't . I would guess having your cat go missing so soon after the anniversary of your mom's death is really emotional. I know it might not feel like it but I think what is happening is very important and a very good sign that you are processing and not shutting out feelings.

What you are conveying is that these feelings are washing over you, and that a lot of things are linked. I think any person with feelings gets depressed. I felt very out of control when I lost my cats, like no matter how hard I tried I couldn't fix it. I would imagine this could really trigger a lot of emotions about feeling out of control about your mom's death. I know you are really intelligent, so I would imagine almost anything you have put your mind to in life has been achievable….feeling unable to fix something is probably an unfamiliar feeling.

But you really weren't in control. She made a decision to end her journey, sadly, you were left to deal with the aftermath. Having something just out of our grasp is a very strong emotion, feeling futile can knock the wind out of us. Right now you are in it, but you are moving through it. I am glad you shared and I am glad you are able to put your feelings into words. Sending you hugs and hoping that Ava comes home.

Liberator4EVA

Sorry to hear about your cat Jennie.

I must admit Death etc. casts a shadow over my life too these days, the question is why?

Is it because I'm an atheist? I just cannot believe an afterlife, and it would be hypocritical of me to start suppressing reason to assuage fear.

When i was a child, well back in the 80s, i seemed to watch films about WW2 nonstop, read books that were all about war and death, people died in droves, and somehow i never thought of it as a big deal. People die all the time, so what? My grandparents talked about war anecdotes nonstop, and also about their peers and friends dying. It was all discussed out in the open, in the same manner as the weather.

Now i dunno. Maybe it's late teens/adulthood worrying about AM. Is she going to be ok in the house by herself, she sounded very unstable when i left, is she going to get into a road accident , etc. But this stuff never got talked about , and by this point my grandparents were gone.

Perhaps its just a consequence of the society we live in today.

I'm 42 and have never witnessed death of a human, or mammal, in person. People get ill and go to hospital. Sometimes they never leave. Pets go missing and are never seen again, or get ill and go to the vet, and don't come back. I've never been drafted into the army and been subject to trench warfare. Cows graze in the fields outside my house. Packets of sliced beef sit on the shelves of our local supermarket - I have never seen how one becomes the other, and i don't want to know.

Also, in our professional duties, in technical publications i read online, and in political discourse, there is huge emphasis on preserving human life. We talk about how many billion the NHS should spend trying to prevent death from this disease, death from that disease.

All of these are very good things, but perhaps it gives rise to the fear of death... allowing it to become something mysterious, and to only ever be talked about as something really bad we must employ every possible effort to avoid happenning to others, it can only end up as seeming like something to fear.

Perhaps this is why you need a close knit peer group of people of a similar age to yourself. By talking about it constantly in everyday terms, maybe my grandparents were helping to offset the negative connotations is acquires from public and professional life, and reconcile themselves to the process. I've been a bit of a loner the past 5-7 years , so i'm probably not helping myself there.

anattaboy

Tibetan book of the dead. Just a suggestion. Post flyers, call neighbors, punch a bag. Cats are not so different than us. Food, sex, adventure and rest. Our adventures can be hairy and deadly and you already know what that abstract eastern stuff is about. Use this. She chose you and she chose well--make her proud.

alphaomega

((((SJ))))

I, too, have to catch myself from falling into a very dark space when it comes to the "D" word (And, I even have had proof after proof after proof that we never actually "die"). And while this does provide me significant solace, when I'm lying in bed at night I wonder, why did I choose to incarnate ? What is my purpose ?

Not sure if you have ever done any reading on "The Veil of Forgetfulness". Basic premise is not we are not humans having a spiritual experience, but we are spirits having a human experience.
It is kinda new agey and woo woo - but I think you can handle it Really fascinating stuff.

My heart goes out to you. I have spent many a nights, sleepless, awaiting my beloved Badnis to return home. And just when I give up all hope, absolutely convinced he has left this world for good, old boy just shows up on the back porch all "What ?"

Thinkin about you buddy.

Lorax1981

Hi Jennie, I really hope your cat comes home safe.
-Ted

Fly N Buy

Jennie,

I think many of us have feelings of our mortality from time to time, it's natural. If you find these feeling becoming pervasive in your every day life, may seek some counseling - perhaps you have, really don't know. You are always very strong here and doesn't seem like you to focus on the morbid.

Maybe it's time to reach out to a professional??

Hope kitty comes back safe and well

Warm Regards

SoberCAH

I am truly sorry for you.

We have an indoor cat, an indoor miniature Schnauzer, 2 outdoor cats (one of which who thinks he's a mountain lion), 3 beautiful donkeys and a 1 year old pet steer (he will never be a hamburger).

We have no children, so our pets get an inordinate amount of attention and love.

In my opinion, you don't own pets - they own you.

I lost a chihuahua a year or so ago and it tore me up like no other pet I have lost as an adult.

I sure hope that your cat comes back home soon.

Mags1

Hi SJ, I hope Ava shows up soon.

Soberpotamus

There's a story I could tell about meeting her. She actually did choose me!

Soberpotamus

Haha! I know the mountain lion syndrome well Yes, I think a few of mine have it.

Soberpotamus

Some thoughtful, helpful posts here. I don't have the energy to reply with my full attention right now. I should be ok in a few days.

Soberpotamus

I'm in pain. Not trying to be morbid. I am realistic. Am I not allowed to be weak sometimes?

Fly N Buy

SJ - just trying to suggest this seems to be out of the norm for you and perhaps you might want to speak with a professional, perhaps.

Hope you feel better soon.

Mags1

Hi SJ, I was worried sick when my cat, Merlin, took off. We had gone on holiday and it was the first time I'd left him in the six years he'd lived with us. My friend came and fed him twice a day and stayed over some nights but he's timid of people.

Anyways when I got home I looked everywhere, I know he was in the field at the back somewhere but it was overgrown and he wouldn't come to my calls. I was beside myself.
I left food out under my car, just cat biscuits and sat and waited. He came, very cautiously for some grub and I enticed him in the house with tuna.
All in all, I fretted for him. Merlin didn't like change.
It sounds like Ava was scared by those dogs? When she feels the coast is clear I'm sure she will head back to you. Take care.x

Soberpotamus

Flynbuy, I appreciate your concern, but I am stable Not in need of a professional. This is an inside job, I'm afraid. Will be fine soon.