Briar

I want to start a thread so I can talk, but I really have nothing positive to say. Guess this is probably the best place for such a post. I hope some of you guys may understand what this is like. I'm just looking to connect a little I guess.

I have bipolar II (rapid cycling since starting meds), and lately I've been persistently depressed and kind of bottom out every couple of weeks. It's starting to exhaust me, and I'm starting to really struggle to keep my mind over my brain. I'm getting paranoid that people don't like me and are avoiding me, which makes it nearly impossible to reach out and call those numbers from the meetings. I am feeling increasingly hopeless and like I can't get the grip I need mentally to do the recovery work so I won't feel so depressed, so it feels like I'm going in circles.

Everything is suffering: I'm behind in my work, my house is a wreck, I haven't cooked my family a proper meal in a week. I'm easily confused and get lost in tasks with several steps, which is frustrating because I'm a professional and my work is complicated. I work full time and am responsible for all of the household and childcare tasks during the week as my husband works long hours and I have no other help. It's hard to keep up with everything. We are hosting Christmas, and I am not even remotely prepared. I have a young daughter and am trying to keep up with her, but her constant demands are overwhelming.

Lately, and today especially, everything just seems tragically sad. I had to run errands, and every place I went felt like something horrible had happened there. I cried over everything and nothing. Spontaneously, for no reason. I'm just starting to think and do strange things.

I've been waiting to ask for a med adjustment until I had some sober time to level out. It's been almost 2 months since I quit, and it's just getting worse. Naturally my psychiatrist is on vacation through early January. I may ask to see a different one, I haven't decided.

So I'm just basically complaining and feeling sorry for myself. I'm doing my best to work through this proactively, but I'm losing my momentum. I definitely want to drink and have been thinking about it obsessively. I know it doesn't help in the long run, but I'm losing some perspective as I continue to struggle with the depression.

So that's all, I just wanted to get it out of my head. Thanks for listening.

Dee74

I understand the reasoning behind you waiting Briar but if you feel you need it, please do make an appointment with someone.
I don't think anyone needs to suffer.

D

courage2

I agree with Dee.

It's hard to ask for extra help but don't wait until you've done something you'll regret later. The poisonous thinking that comes in bad spells like the one you're having can rapidly get past the point of manageability.

Gilmer

Definitely, Briar. I'm sure your psychiatrist has someone on call during the holidays. Your medicine definitely does not seem to be working out. I think you should request an adjustment ASAP. Let the doctor decide--don't do your own diagnosing. He or she is better able to determine your timetable.

venuscat

Sweetheart, I quoted this post because it is the truth here love.
You are doing INCREDIBLY well, but it is really time to talk to your doctor.
Without the alcohol, your brain chemistry has changed.
Please let a professional decide what is the right balance of your medication here.

V xx

Briar

I will talk to a doctor as soon as one is available. Realistically, anything they can prescribe will take time to work, at least a couple weeks. There isn't much in the way of quick treatment for depression. That fact alone is discouraging. But I will pursue it as soon as I can.

venuscat

There are different vitamins and supplements that can be helpful Briar.
Perhaps you have a good pharmacist you can chat with?
I take a couple of things that really help me.

All completely healthy stuff that is good for me.
There really are ways to help ourselves with depression, as well as seeing the doc of course when you can.

Love V xx

Briar

I was taking a supplement for a while that was supposed to help with bipolar disorder, but it also supposedly helped prevent alcoholic liver disease, so you can guess where I went with that. I had to stop taking it when I quit drinking because of that. I don't know if it helped with the bipolar because I drank so heavily the whole time I was taking it.

My current psychiatrist is against supplements except fish oil (which I take), so I'll do some research on my own and see if I can find a decent pharmacist around here to talk to.

I'm feeling a bit better than I was this morning. I think now that the house is clean there is less stuff around to distract me. Having a clean house really helps me with depression, but I can't clean well when I'm depressed, so you can guess how well that cycle works out. I've asked my husband if we can hire someone to help me clean even just once a month, but he said no. We can afford it, so I might bring it up again.

Gilmer

Even if it takes a new medicine a couple of weeks to work, it might be possible for you to discontinue your current one (under your doctor's supervision) and get fast relief. (Not possible for all meds).

dsmaxis10

Briar I have major depression and schizophrenia and I'm bi-polar to sum it up I'm schizoaffective. I tried to quit my medication many times only to end up in a mental hospital I quit taking my medication for bi-polar and depression and it was bad. I hope you'll call your doctor its hard to find the right med that works I hope you find something that will soon.

headcase1

Briar I bottomed out over Christmas, spent 5 days getting meds adjusted & now I feel good.I wish I hadn't waited.

Kelti

Seems to me you are doing a lot better than me! All I do is sit here 12 - 15 hours a day and moderate a website... I cannot seem to clean house, I keep things put away and keep up with the laundry, but when it comes to actually dusting and vacuuming I just cant seem to make myself do it... My husband cooks dinner and about every 2 or 3 days I do the dishes.
We are both retired so I have no job to worry over but I am not getting any exercise at all
and the last thing I want to do is go out...and I am also sick a lot with anxiety related nausea and my pdoc cant seem to find anything that has helped it... oh, and I sleep very weird hours... hmmmm....

JaneLane

I don't think you are feeling sorry for yourself at all. I have clinical depression, anxiety disorder and my mum has bipolar so I get where you are coming from.

First of all, I would say little victories are just that, victories. When I tried to come off my medication about two years ago I had a massive breakdown and a shower was a *huge* accomplishment, let alone doing any laundry or cooking a meal.

I think you've got this. You are self-aware and that's such a big thing in recovery. Message me if you want!

Leshar

Hi how are you doing? I have bipolar 2 depression which has been treatment resistant for over 5 months. I'm pretty dysfunctional and now my psychiatrist suggests ECT.
Wondering if you or others nave had this?