Lovemykids125

I usually only post in the friends/family of addict section but after reading a few threads I felt this section was more appropriate with the situation I am dealing with right now.

I suffer from anxiety, depression, and ADHD... the depression has been affecting me the most this year. I started seeing a mental health provider in August and since then I feel like I haven't received much help. I was seeing a counselor who I didn't seem to connect with. Eventually I was placed on Wellbutrin which worked amazing for the first 2 weeks for my ADHD but I stopped taking it because it stopped working and was making my depression worse (I ended up cutting myself a week after starting it, something I have only done once since I was a teenager).

The problem I am dealing with now is my boyfriend of 7 years is a heroin addict in recovery... he has just over a year of sobriety. We have two children together and sometimes I feel like he only stays with me because of the kids. When we get into arguments he says very hurtful things, he low-blows me... so I never know if he truly feels that way or if he is just trying to hurt my feelings. Last night I wanted a cigarette (I stopped smoking a month ago) and my boyfriend decided to compare that to heroin, saying, "well fine I'm going to do some heroin then". I'm not an addict, I can have just a hit and not buy a pack... yet he wants to compare anything he doesn't want me to do to his drug. He stops in the gas station and PURCHASES a pack of cigarettes! It made me so angry to just waste money like that by just trying to prove a point by being a jerk. So when we get home he goes upstairs while I sit in the car for a bit to cool off. I go inside and find him laying on the bed turned away from me so I asked him why we are arguing (I hate going to bed mad at each other). He then takes a couple of pictures of the wall and throws them on the ground and says that he doesn't want to talk to me and says, "do you want me to start breaking stuff?" I asked him what is the matter and then he says, "I don't love you anymore". I then told him to go sleep on the couch because I couldn't believe he said that to me. Of course being me I just couldn't let it go so I asked him why he said that and he gets up and punches a hole in our children's closet door (he already broke my windshield in my car, punched a hole in the door, and ruined my dresser from being angry this year). After that I lost it... I told him to get out of my apartment. He looked at me in shock but my instincts just made me say that, I am not going to have someone remain in my apartment ruining this property that I will have to pay for damages. So I made sure I had all of my credit cards and keys before he left and walked to his mom's house (1/2 mile away).

Now I'm sitting at home depressed, I know I did the right thing but I am SO TEMPTED to contact him to try to make things right. I am so upset with him telling me that and the closet door was the last straw. In his addiction he has stolen so much from me and my children and I just feel like punching a hole in their closet door brought back all of the bad memories of the things he has put me and our children through over the years. I feel so unappreciated and I'm so tired of him trying to make me feel like I am the messed up one because of my depression... He doesn't even want to acknowledge that the things he has put me through has changed me so drastically. I love him so much but I don't want to keep hurting, feeling like he will never be happy with me because I'm forcing something.

I appreciate all of the replies, this is where I always come to feel better when I am down and lost.

dsmaxis10

I'll say a prayer for you

Gilmer

You will be ok without him. Don't reach out to him. He needs to do some serious changing if he wants to come back. The way he has been is not acceptable.

lauren

Just my thoughts..your children need peace not conflict..and to me asking/telling him to leave was an instinct that moms have to preserve peace and well being for their children.
Your children do not have a voice..I'm glad that you saved them as they may not say anything as it is their dad..yet they feel and See everything..Stay calm..think it out and the answer will come to you..I think it has..sometimes lonely without a mate is one thing, giving children a secure place to grow and flourish is worth the sacrifice..

A little background..I was raised with a violent parent..it stays with one for many years,finally my mother said enough..

chicory

Oh, honey, this fellow has serious problems which he needs to address. He is terrorizing your home, taking the peace you could have, and stomping it to death. He needs to fix his self and you cannot do it. Its his job and he needs to see what he is doing to others.
Some time away will help you and maybe make him face truth.

please, be careful, and realize that you deserve peace, your children especially deserve a childhood untainted by violent temper tantrums.

hugs,
chicory