doit

On the 8th of January I will be 10 years sober. The first six months were awful and when I think back to what some of my loved ones said to me at that time I must have been a very difficult person to be around. Things started to get better when I discovered this site. It allowed me to express exactly how I felt without hurting anyone and confessing to the most terrible things I had done without being judged. I cannot express how grateful I am to everyone who helped me in those dark days.

At the time I had never really thought about what started me drinking in the first place. I was aware that I started wanting to get drunk when I was feeling down - though this eventually turned into wanting to get drunk all the time - but had never thought about what was getting me down in the first place.

Perhaps the absence of alcohol as a numbing device is what led to me becoming increasingly volatile. I had a kind of breakdown with uncontrollable sobbing and fits of being extremely angry at the slightest provocation. I was eventually referred to psychiatric services and began a course of psychiatric therapy sessions to understand the root cause. After 18 months I understood.

Since childhood I have been terrified of rejection. There is no need for me to talk about why here but it is something that has stayed with me through my life. Understanding that has helped me view things differently. If I start to feel down due to feelings of rejection I am now able to put it in perspective.

It sounds ridiculous but if I posted a photo on facebook and nobody liked it I used to get down about it: I saw it as rejection. Now I just accept it. I can apply the logic that I often see photos that friends post and don't click the like button but it doesn't mean that I don't like the photo or don't like the friend, it just didn't connect with me at the time. If I had seen the photo at a different time it might have connected and I would have clicked like!

2015 is going to be a big year. 10 years sober and an understanding of what turned me into an alcoholic in the first place. I'm feeling positive and looking forward to the future. Thank you to SR and everyone who contributed to my own personal sober recovery journey.

OklaBH

Whoo Hoo! 10 years!

Rejection is an alcoholic thing. I stay away from facebook anymore. Same thing as you. I would post something meaningful to me and get 2 likes--wth? Geez! that was a big deal. People are rude and have no idea what you are going through.

10 years sober though! WOW! you got it going on!

what is your secret?

FeelingGreat

Great post Doit. Does understanding the root cause of your anxiety take away the urge to drink? Or are you too far into sobriety to know?

The main takeaway I'm getting from what you've posted is that you had to stop drinking before you could deal with the deeply rooted causes.

doit

Thanks for the replies. I think stopping drinking made the anxiety a lot worse and I'm probably lucky that nothing really bad happened when I first stopped otherwise I might have relapsed. And yes, FeelingGreat. I think now that I have the understanding I am less likely to relapse. I doubt if I would have ever got to the bottom of things if I hadn't stopped drinking.

I wish I knew the secret OklaBH, I'd happily share it! I guess I'm just one of the fortunate ones.

Opivotal

Thank you for posting, doit. My emotions were all over the place the first few years. I'm glad you worked through them without drinking.

Congratulations on almost 10 years!