Class of September 2014 part 4
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Class of September 2014 part 4
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Speaking of AV
Our getaway weekend got off to a rough start. Travelling to the US always brings up thoughts of visiting my mom, to start with, and I haven't dealt with her death yet at all, so there were some painful moments during the drive.
HUGE fight that night, which of course drew on all our old issues, then he went to sleep around 4 a.m. and I was left with a half bottle of bourbon in the hotel room. Full of anxiety and pain. I was really, really tempted to drink at least a few--enough to get my mind to turn off and so I could sleep. I didn't do it and instead stayed up. We made up the next day.
When I quit drinking this time, I stopped thinking of it as an option. Maybe for a few minutes at a time, but then I'd remind myself of the terrible downside. I'm disappointed that I opened that door again, then craved alcohol all the next day. I'm glad I didn't, but I don't feel as strong now. On the positive (?) side, I am even more aware that alcohol is my only coping mechanism. I have always been uber-sensitive, and alcohol numbed me out. Now I don't have that.
I found out today that in fact I did not get that class that accounted for 1/4 of my income. Union rules. I lost all seniority when I took a full-time job for 3 years. Went back to 0 last year as a part-timer. I guess they expect that if you actually make a salary at the university, you will save it knowing that budget cuts are bound to happen (this is the second time I've been screwed over by a slashed budget--too many people, too few teaching jobs). I have exactly $0 saved from my full-time position. It is embarrassing to realize that I drank it all.
So that is also frustrating. I'm not going to drink over it. I feel really down, but I guess at least I have succeeded in not drinking so far.
HUGE fight that night, which of course drew on all our old issues, then he went to sleep around 4 a.m. and I was left with a half bottle of bourbon in the hotel room. Full of anxiety and pain. I was really, really tempted to drink at least a few--enough to get my mind to turn off and so I could sleep. I didn't do it and instead stayed up. We made up the next day.
When I quit drinking this time, I stopped thinking of it as an option. Maybe for a few minutes at a time, but then I'd remind myself of the terrible downside. I'm disappointed that I opened that door again, then craved alcohol all the next day. I'm glad I didn't, but I don't feel as strong now. On the positive (?) side, I am even more aware that alcohol is my only coping mechanism. I have always been uber-sensitive, and alcohol numbed me out. Now I don't have that.
I found out today that in fact I did not get that class that accounted for 1/4 of my income. Union rules. I lost all seniority when I took a full-time job for 3 years. Went back to 0 last year as a part-timer. I guess they expect that if you actually make a salary at the university, you will save it knowing that budget cuts are bound to happen (this is the second time I've been screwed over by a slashed budget--too many people, too few teaching jobs). I have exactly $0 saved from my full-time position. It is embarrassing to realize that I drank it all.
So that is also frustrating. I'm not going to drink over it. I feel really down, but I guess at least I have succeeded in not drinking so far.
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Sorry s&s, having a bottle of bourbon in a small space like a hotel room would have been tough. And arguments don't get any easier sober, but they can lead to growth I think. Drunken agreements were always such a blur for me, without any positive outcome. Hope things are going better.
Good job keeping things in perspective GS!
Good job keeping things in perspective GS!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Sorry to post again. I spent the summer applying for full-time jobs, two of which would have been perfect, and I spent hours on them. I suspect I was over-qualified. I got no response from anyone. I feel like a failure.
I went to 0 years of seniority with my old union when I briefly took a full-time job with a different union at the same university. My full-time position was eliminated due to budget cuts a year ago. Now in spite of 8 years of teaching for the university, anyone in my old department with more seniority can take jobs before me from now on (which is everyone). It is really a case of being f***ed over by the system.
Not sure what to do with all this anger and frustration. Does anyone have any experience with being rejected for things you are qualified for? How do I stay sober through this?
I went to 0 years of seniority with my old union when I briefly took a full-time job with a different union at the same university. My full-time position was eliminated due to budget cuts a year ago. Now in spite of 8 years of teaching for the university, anyone in my old department with more seniority can take jobs before me from now on (which is everyone). It is really a case of being f***ed over by the system.
Not sure what to do with all this anger and frustration. Does anyone have any experience with being rejected for things you are qualified for? How do I stay sober through this?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Hang in there safe and sound. I have some experience with applying for jobs which I was over qualified for. It was mega frustrating and such a huge emotional roller coaster ride. It was awfully taxing on the self esteem. Here in ontario I know the job market is so tough to get into or move around in. Especially true in your chosen field. I suspect the competition is fierce for post secondary teaching roles. Are you able to broaden your search? Is moving for a better job an option?
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Thanks, Gentlesoul, for the support.
You're right, the competition is fierce. I am just an adjunct, and there are many. many Ph.D.s in my field in this city looking for any job we can get. It is just so frustrating to have lost my seniority. I have really high evaluations from students.
Yesterday I wrote to anyone I could think of and will continue to look for work. But it is so disheartening to be treated this way after 8 years of devoted service to the department (even when I got the other job, I still taught courses for my original department).
I felt this way when there were budget cuts and I was told that I had "excellent performance" by the dean before she said there wasn't enough money to keep me. I work really hard and am fully dedicated to students. I've gotten comments like "best prof I ever had" on evals. I love what I do. But it is hard to live on $15K a year before deductions. By the way, we get the largest courses, too, so I presently have 85 students. I just feel really bitter, which is not like me at all. It really is criminal that universities enslave the people who are teaching 40% of their classes.
My husband has tried to find work back in the States but there are no jobs for him, either. We are likely staying here.
Again, sorry to take up so much space on here lately. As GS said, it is a huge blow to the ego.
You're right, the competition is fierce. I am just an adjunct, and there are many. many Ph.D.s in my field in this city looking for any job we can get. It is just so frustrating to have lost my seniority. I have really high evaluations from students.
Yesterday I wrote to anyone I could think of and will continue to look for work. But it is so disheartening to be treated this way after 8 years of devoted service to the department (even when I got the other job, I still taught courses for my original department).
I felt this way when there were budget cuts and I was told that I had "excellent performance" by the dean before she said there wasn't enough money to keep me. I work really hard and am fully dedicated to students. I've gotten comments like "best prof I ever had" on evals. I love what I do. But it is hard to live on $15K a year before deductions. By the way, we get the largest courses, too, so I presently have 85 students. I just feel really bitter, which is not like me at all. It really is criminal that universities enslave the people who are teaching 40% of their classes.
My husband has tried to find work back in the States but there are no jobs for him, either. We are likely staying here.
Again, sorry to take up so much space on here lately. As GS said, it is a huge blow to the ego.
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I'm sorry Safe. The budget situation is a lot like that here too - faculties are amalgamating or even disappearing and, rightly or wrongly, Unis are trying to cut costs wherever they can.
I have many friends in your position. Some have stayed - one of my friends says, at least I love my job - others have moved on to other campuses or even other fields.
D
I have many friends in your position. Some have stayed - one of my friends says, at least I love my job - others have moved on to other campuses or even other fields.
D
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Yeah, S&S, universities are definitely cutting back. I'm IT staff at a public university and I see the same thing, a move towards cheaper non-tenured faculty, especially in the Humanities fields. Private schools might be different, but they are generally not unionized and not subject to political/economic swings. Our union avoided lay-offs in exchange for a partial furlough for two years, but it's manageable and I'll take the stability. I hope you can figure out how to continue doing what you love without the big pay cuts.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Hey. Dig my new avatar.
SAS - Red tape...I'm all too familiar with it. I was at the same job for almost 10 years, and even though I wasn't fired - just laid off due to budget cuts, I didn't qualify for unemployment because I was technically a contractor. I had no savings either. I might have, but I spent that money (and credit) on alcohol. Those are the consequences, and I suppose there's nothing to do but deal with them. A lot of this just isn't within your control. I'll PM you - I do have a couple of things that are helping me cope.
I do think that it helps to look at sobriety as a job. You're earning money by saving money, and at the end of the day, you can look back and say: I did really well today. When everything else in your life is falling to ****, at least you have that one thing that's always within your control.
So...my bankruptcy hearing is coming up next Monday. I'm past the freak out phase, went through the 'deal with it' phase, and now the travel arrangements are taken care of. An interesting thing is happening...I think I've reached another stage in sobriety. I had definitely lost the desire to drink in the second month, but now I find myself thinking about it less and less. It feels like this is starting to become 'the new normal', which is a huge relief. I can honestly say that the thought of not drinking for the rest of my life doesn't bother me. I think that I've had enough. I know what it's like to be drunk - I'm finished with that now. Time for something else.
SAS - Red tape...I'm all too familiar with it. I was at the same job for almost 10 years, and even though I wasn't fired - just laid off due to budget cuts, I didn't qualify for unemployment because I was technically a contractor. I had no savings either. I might have, but I spent that money (and credit) on alcohol. Those are the consequences, and I suppose there's nothing to do but deal with them. A lot of this just isn't within your control. I'll PM you - I do have a couple of things that are helping me cope.
I do think that it helps to look at sobriety as a job. You're earning money by saving money, and at the end of the day, you can look back and say: I did really well today. When everything else in your life is falling to ****, at least you have that one thing that's always within your control.
So...my bankruptcy hearing is coming up next Monday. I'm past the freak out phase, went through the 'deal with it' phase, and now the travel arrangements are taken care of. An interesting thing is happening...I think I've reached another stage in sobriety. I had definitely lost the desire to drink in the second month, but now I find myself thinking about it less and less. It feels like this is starting to become 'the new normal', which is a huge relief. I can honestly say that the thought of not drinking for the rest of my life doesn't bother me. I think that I've had enough. I know what it's like to be drunk - I'm finished with that now. Time for something else.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 479
Great to hear from you Avice and glad to hear you are feeling a bit better about your upcoming hearing. Has your AV been fading ? Mine is still yapping away telling me that after my health situations are cleared up I can drink again.... In moderation. Ha!
I love your thinking that sobriety is a sort of job. It does take so much work especially in the beginning. I agree with you there and the added bonus is that money does appear after you do not drink it down. I've really noticed a change in my bank account statements.
I love your thinking that sobriety is a sort of job. It does take so much work especially in the beginning. I agree with you there and the added bonus is that money does appear after you do not drink it down. I've really noticed a change in my bank account statements.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Glad to hear you are doing well Avice! My AV has been pretty quiet, but when it wakes up for triggers, it almost feels like it will never go away and drinking is inevitable.. Then as quickly as it hits me, it is gone and I don't want to drink again. It definitely visits less often now than before.
I've been slacking on the exercising again, though I have noticed recently that I can make it through a day without "nap attacks". I used to not be able to make it through a whole day without having the post lunch "slump over my desk" nap. For the the first month or so sober, nothing changed. If anything I was more tired and went to bed early every night. It just occurred to me the other day that I've been through an entire week without having one of those episodes. Kinda sad I let myself get to that point, but exciting at the same time. (I do go to the doctor regularly, so I don't have undiagnosed diabetes or anything, but my blood-work was less than stellar in some areas, so I'm sure there is some explanation.)
It's just amazing how much things can change from month to month.
I've been slacking on the exercising again, though I have noticed recently that I can make it through a day without "nap attacks". I used to not be able to make it through a whole day without having the post lunch "slump over my desk" nap. For the the first month or so sober, nothing changed. If anything I was more tired and went to bed early every night. It just occurred to me the other day that I've been through an entire week without having one of those episodes. Kinda sad I let myself get to that point, but exciting at the same time. (I do go to the doctor regularly, so I don't have undiagnosed diabetes or anything, but my blood-work was less than stellar in some areas, so I'm sure there is some explanation.)
It's just amazing how much things can change from month to month.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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It helps SO MUCH to know that others know what I'm talking about! Thanks to everyone for your comments.
Feeling a bit more calm. I have an application in for another job (although there was no posting for it) at an international college--even if it doesn't pan out next term, at least they have my info.
I like "the new normal" idea, Avice. I too am not afraid not to drink again. It's amazing how much we depend on it and fear losing it, then when we get sober it turns out to be much of the problem! I am less anxious than I've ever been even though I thought I was drinking to relieve anxiety.
I love getting up early before H is awake. I have time to myself. Today I'll be grading all day, but it's nice to have the morning to do some chores, wander around the internet, maybe exercise.
A little worried about seeing my in-laws over Christmas. It's always a time of heavy drinking. They will probably be glad I'm sober due to some horrible scenes in the past, but it might make them uncomfortable too since that is the MAIN activity when we're together. But I have a few weeks to prepare.
Neverthought--are you out there? Everything OK?
Feeling a bit more calm. I have an application in for another job (although there was no posting for it) at an international college--even if it doesn't pan out next term, at least they have my info.
I like "the new normal" idea, Avice. I too am not afraid not to drink again. It's amazing how much we depend on it and fear losing it, then when we get sober it turns out to be much of the problem! I am less anxious than I've ever been even though I thought I was drinking to relieve anxiety.
I love getting up early before H is awake. I have time to myself. Today I'll be grading all day, but it's nice to have the morning to do some chores, wander around the internet, maybe exercise.
A little worried about seeing my in-laws over Christmas. It's always a time of heavy drinking. They will probably be glad I'm sober due to some horrible scenes in the past, but it might make them uncomfortable too since that is the MAIN activity when we're together. But I have a few weeks to prepare.
Neverthought--are you out there? Everything OK?
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 741
Hey All,
Although my AV had been pretty quiet my anxiety has decided to rear its ugly head. I can't keep from revisiting old situations that I'm not proud of and wondering if it's all really over... I am repeatedly telling myself that the past is the past but now I am fearing health concerns. With that being said, I have set up an appointment just to ensure that all is okay (which I'm pretty sure it is)... Crazy how anxiety can take over your whole life and convince you of things that's you know isn't true...
Although my AV had been pretty quiet my anxiety has decided to rear its ugly head. I can't keep from revisiting old situations that I'm not proud of and wondering if it's all really over... I am repeatedly telling myself that the past is the past but now I am fearing health concerns. With that being said, I have set up an appointment just to ensure that all is okay (which I'm pretty sure it is)... Crazy how anxiety can take over your whole life and convince you of things that's you know isn't true...
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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EJM - Congrats!
Gonna be a short one today since I'm on my phone. At the youth hostel now...hearing at 2. I tellya, I don't look my age, but I sure do feel it after spending one night on a bunk bed.
I knew I wasn't going to drink here, but it sure was tempting last night. Mostly because I felt sad and alone and I still feel a connection to this city. Also, I was drunk the entire time I lived here. Instead of drinking, I ate crappy chicken dumplings on Rue St. Catherine and went to bed early.
Worried that I'll somehow miss the hearing even though I have plenty of time and the time and date are there in black and white.
I have a bus ride back at 7pm, but I'll see if I can get an earlier one cause being here for this is a real bummer.
Later, all.
Gonna be a short one today since I'm on my phone. At the youth hostel now...hearing at 2. I tellya, I don't look my age, but I sure do feel it after spending one night on a bunk bed.
I knew I wasn't going to drink here, but it sure was tempting last night. Mostly because I felt sad and alone and I still feel a connection to this city. Also, I was drunk the entire time I lived here. Instead of drinking, I ate crappy chicken dumplings on Rue St. Catherine and went to bed early.
Worried that I'll somehow miss the hearing even though I have plenty of time and the time and date are there in black and white.
I have a bus ride back at 7pm, but I'll see if I can get an earlier one cause being here for this is a real bummer.
Later, all.
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