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Old 10-14-2014, 11:05 PM
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Back to the docs

After a bad night of panic attacks and insomnia, I've taken the morning off to go see my doctor.

He will probably put me back on antidepressants and this seems like such a backward step I'm so disappointed in myself. I was on meds for years, but when I got sober almost 2 and a half years ago, I came off them. I worked the steps of AA, and had intensive counselling. It wasn't plain sailing. I was diagnosed with PTSD and a dissociative disorder and put on meds to help with IBS, which was stress induced. I had insomnia for a long time, but meditation and prayer transformed my life.

And yet, here I am again. I've had a lot to deal with I know...Dad's death, daughter leaving home, leaving one job and starting another, real concerns over my mums mental health...juggling a stressful career and trying to make sure my newly widowed mum is eating and taking care of herself when there is a long distance to travel at the end of the day...it's all taken it's toll.

I should have equipped myself with the skills, strength and resilience to get through this time.

But I can feel I'm sliding...and meds may be the answer. I just can't stop crying and feel so utterly useless. That blackness isn't far away and I haven't got the strength to turn away from it.
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Old 10-14-2014, 11:21 PM
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You've been through a lot recently Jeni. To not to shaken by recent events would be itself cause for alarm.

I don't see my meds as a backward step at all.
They're simply required. I need them to live a quality of life I see as sufficient.

I certainly don't see it as any kind of comment on you as a person, or your recovery.

There are no extra brownie points for being Superwoman.

I really think you are being crushingly hard on yourself here....

D
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Old 10-14-2014, 11:51 PM
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Thanks Dee. Depression makes everything so hard.
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Old 10-14-2014, 11:59 PM
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It does. I wouldn't consider any of this your 'fault' tho, Jeni

D
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Old 10-15-2014, 12:11 AM
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Not my fault that these events have happened, nor that the timing has been difficult, but I do see it as a failing that I can't walk through them better than I am.

I've worked so hard with counselling, I was seeing someone for a long time. I wonder now what the point was. If I'm always going to go round in this big loop...then why bother.

If I retrace some of my old posts, it's like a spiral of positive, uncertainty, fear and then depression. I'm just not able to maintain stability in my mental health. I'm far more self-aware but that makes it worse somehow.

I don't want to always be like this.
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Old 10-15-2014, 12:29 AM
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I think any one of the things you've been through could have totally derailled a lesser person.

Think about it: how does one handle a death better, or empty nesting better? or looking after your mum better? or moving to a new job better?

exactly who are you in competition with, Jeni?

I think you need to accept you're not perfect Jeni - but you are a wonderful thoughtful caring and striving human being...and beating yourself up for that is just futile

D
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Old 10-15-2014, 12:39 AM
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Hello Jeni,

I think you are fantastic! I'd have been a snivelling blob long ago. ((((((hugs))))))
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Old 10-15-2014, 12:53 AM
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Thanks Andy. There's been a couple of things at work that have sent me spiralling I think. We lost a pupil last week. Not uncommon because we work with some very poorly kids, but we've got his funeral on Friday and it's a burial. I'm expected to attend but I just don't think I can cope with seeing his young family's grief so soon after losing my Dad. And I know that must seem terribly selfish.

And one of my favourite little ones has had to be excluded from school because we cannot safely manage his behaviour. I had lots to do with this lad and he was my special buddy. Knowing I'm not ever going to work with him again is breaking my heart. We really had a special bond.

Everything seems so hard at the moment. And I know there are some real blessings in my life and I try to focus on them, but I'm failing.

Anyway, I've got an appointment at 11. The snooty receptionist said it had to be an emergency to get seen today so I told her it was. I don't think it was really but I can't wait a week to get a regular appointment.

I've been isolating I know, and it helps to just type this out. Thanks for listening.
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Old 10-15-2014, 12:57 AM
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I think you've more than enough reason to go looking for some help Jeni.
Let us know how you get on

D
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Old 10-15-2014, 01:28 AM
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Jeni, my friend


There is no reason at all to be disappointed in yourself!

Meds need to help us to cope with physical and chemical changes in the mind when going through a lot of stress and pressure.

Please, do not look at at it as a step back!

I do understand this feeling of darkness and being useless.

But you are so NOT useless!

Your job alone makes you one of the most worthy people I know - and I admire you for doing this - not everyone can handle it!

Stick with us.

And be kind and take a good care of yourself!

Sending you the most positive and sunny vibes!
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Old 10-15-2014, 06:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I don't see my meds as a backward step at all.
They're simply required. I need them to live a quality of life I see as sufficient.

I certainly don't see it as any kind of comment on you as a person, or your recovery.

There are no extra brownie points for being Superwoman.

I really think you are being crushingly hard on yourself here....
I totally agree with this. Anything that can help us smooth out the bumps in life, especially where depression and anxiety are concerned, are perfectly fine as long as we're taking them as prescribed.

As an AA'er who took SSRI's and was told by my sponsor that I wasn't sober if I was under the influence of anything I call BS. They improved the quality of my life immensely and I'm still sober 9 years later. I'm not sure I'd be alive if it wasn't for those.

Please be gentle on yourself, Jeni. These dark periods eventually pass and we need all the help we can get to walk through them.
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Old 10-15-2014, 07:30 AM
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Thank you everyone. Well the doc signed me off work for 2 weeks and has prescribed an antidepressant I haven't had before. I decided in my non-existent wisdom to go straight back into work but I ended up breaking down in the office and coming home again. It is impossible for me to take that long off, but I will see how I am tomorrow.

I actually feel quite relieved to have shared it.

And Astro, I hadn't even considered that by taking this I might be breaking my sobriety. I haven't drunk or smoked at all over the last few difficult months, but I need to be able to function at a reasonable level. Taking prescribed drugs isn't relapsing in my very humble opinion.

Thank you all so much x
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Old 10-15-2014, 03:30 PM
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It is impossible for me to take that long off,
Inconvenient maybe but not impossible Jeni.
If we push ourselves past breaking point, we're no good to anyone anyway - and that may be for a lot longer than 2 weeks.

D
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Old 10-15-2014, 04:59 PM
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Wow! You have been through a lot and it sounds as if you have coped very well. I too suffer from depression and could not shake the dark cloud that seemed to color my entire life without my medication. For some of us with depression our brains just dont work right and so we need help. Dont be ashamed its not your fault.

I have found one extremely important tool that is a must when I have a lot on my plate. It is actually scheduling time to completely disconnect from everything. I let my loved ones know ahead of time and then I do nothing. That time is mine and if I dont want to cook,clean,take a shower, or change my clothes than I dont. Its the only way I can deal without burnout sometimes.

Give yourself time.
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Old 10-15-2014, 10:14 PM
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Well I'm not going in today, I will take some time to get my head straight and rest. I have to go in tomorrow as it is our pupils funeral and also I need to get my laptop back as it's got stuff on it I need.

I feel quite nauseous and tired but I think that might be the meds taking effect.

But also a little relieved to have stepped off the treadmill of life for a bit.
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Old 10-16-2014, 01:07 AM
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(((((hug)))))
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Old 10-16-2014, 05:09 AM
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Oh, Jeni. Please be kind to yourself. You have been so strong for so long and through so much, now is the time for you to heal and the meds (and the rest) will help you do that. Thinking of you with love, my friend xxx
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Old 10-23-2014, 11:10 PM
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Hi, hope you are feeling a little better and the initial side effects of the meds haven't been too bad. I've been on and off a/ds for years and after 5 years med free went back on them 3 years ago. Decided to try without them earlier in the year and it was a complete disaster, and turned out they had been controlling my IBS as well as my depression (I'm on citalopram) so am back on them and now accepted that they are just something I need like a diabetic needs insulin. Nothing that helps you to cope can really be a backwards step
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Old 10-24-2014, 02:22 AM
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Thank you Mavis. Well...I did end up taking the time off and yes, it was what I needed. I feel calmer but still very down. I've never taken such a long time off work and I feel out of the loop and isolated, and a few emails and texts from my boss about how hard she's finding it without me haven't helped!

Still, it's given me time to think things through and process them, and that has made me see things clearer.

I went for the formal interview for the new job last Monday and was officially offered it. I start in January. It is a good move, a little local school which means I can see more of Mum and won't spend 2 hours a day travelling. I will be sad to leave where I am though. I've been there a long time.

Still strong in sobriety, still haven't smoked. These things I'm truly grateful for.
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Old 10-24-2014, 02:38 AM
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((Jeni))

D
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