My Story/RunningRaces
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: U.S.
Posts: 28
My Story/RunningRaces
Learning How to Live
Hey everyone, I thought I would share my story here. I've been lucky to have a lot of awareness and learning lately, along with some spiritual awakenings which have been quite beneficial. So, after gleaning so much from what everyone else has already written and I've read so many times, I decided to share.
I grew up the youngest of 5 children in an Irish Catholic family. I had a great upbringing, wonderful parents and brothers and sisters who really cared for me and still do. I had unconditional love all the way. We weren't rich, but we always had food on the table and a sense of security. However, from a very young age, about 7 or 8, I always had this feeling like I didn't fit in, like I didn't belong. I was a loner. I never really had any enemies, and wasn't hated, I just didn't know how to interact with people well. I even felt inferior around my family.
When I was 11, my olderst brother got married. He's 15 years older than me, though we always got along well. That was my first drink. At 11 years old, I snuck away from the wedding party before the reception started and got quite drunk. I didn't even know a lot about alcohol, just that it was around and people seemed to enjoy it. Long story short, it began a long career of badness. Right off the bat, I felt an escape from being me, something I always wanted to run away from. I ended up so drunk I had to be taken to a hotel room with my grandmother. Even at that young age, I drank a lot and didn't manage to get sick.
Over the next couple of years, my life got more difficult. I was having feelings that I knew were different than others, I was gay. I wasn't ashamed of it at all, and had no problems with it. I never lived a lie, and always felt comfortable with who I was. I got beat up a lot in school because of it. I hated school as a result, and would not tell my family why I was having issues. I deeply feared being thrown out of the house for being gay. We were a deeply religious family, and I had a brother thrown out just for sleeping with his girlfriend before being married. I continued to drink whenever I could, always being a mess every time-sloppy, out of control, and not remembering much. From the outside, people may have thought I was just uncomfortable being gay, but that's not true. I was battling the bondage of self, because I am an alcoholic. I'm a classic self-hater. For whatever reason, when I walk down the street, or into a room full of people, I instantly compare myself to others, and immediately point out to myself how they are superior. Looks, personality, material things, friends etc. I just cannot seem to love myself.
When I was 14, I attempted suicide, and due to my father deciding to come home from work for lunch on a nice friday afternoon, I was intercepted. To this day, he doesn't know what I was doing, but I was seconds away from it. I wasn't like people who make it through those things, I was disappointed and angry it wasn't successful.
When i was 16 my drinking was already out of control. One night my senior year of high school, I drank a 1/5 of whiskey and took drugs and overdosed. I almost died again, and the hospital saved my life. At that point due to family and school intervention, I broke away from my friends, who were good friends, and really wanted me to be healthy. But, I isolated and focused on school and work. I worked full time and went to college full time and after my first two years, I had a 4.0 GPA and a good life with lots of savings. I never went to meetings, but I did buy an AA big book and learned about alcoholism. I knew who and what I was. I was being successful, but I still hated myself. Something was always missing, and still didin't fit in. I may have been sober, but I was as dry a drunk as you could be.
After about two years, I started drinking again. I kept up work and school and graduated, but my grades dropped to a 3.0 GPA. A miracle to be honest. I worked but I was drinking every day until I passed out, by myself, in a room with nothing going on, no TV, no radio.
I then got a job at a big growing company. I worked there for 6 years, and continued my drinking patterns. Every single night, drink at 530, pass out by 7, wake up, drink until I passed out again and go to work the next morning. Amazingly, I was still very successful at work. They thought I was a rock star, full of energy and charisma. The truth was, each night I was a mess, wishing I would die every night. I made enough money that I could drink what I wanted when I wanted. At age 22 I started having seizures, my health was in decline but I kept going.
At age 26, I decided to follow a lifelong dream and attend law school. The day after I was accepted, I attempted suicide again. I drank obscene amounts, and took handfulls of valium. I woke up on my kitchen floor a couple days later in utter belief. All I did was take a shower, and keep going to work and drinking. I attended law school, and scored amazing grades and worked really hard. My health was really declining, and I had terrible cases of the shakes after a few hours wihtout alcohol. I wasn't happy still, even after accomplishing so much, and seemingly having it all. My friends and family were really noticing how bad off I was. I was isolating big time, but I was 1000 miles from home in another state. Pancreatitis was a norm, and my liver was in bad shape. I was bruising, blacking out for days at a time, and throwing up blood.
All these years, I truly wanted to stop, but I couldn't. In 8 years, I couldn't remember a day that I didn't drink. I soon ran out of money and stopped paying bills to support my habit. My phone was shut off, I lost my apartment and was living in my car. Then that was repossessed while I was living in it. I didn't even have money for gas, otherwise I would have driven away. I hit my rock bottom when I couldn't function physically, mentally and I had no money for alcohol. Through all this I was still showing up to classes and my internhsip wearing suits. Nobody knew how bad it was, but they knew I was coming unraveled by the looks of me.
A month before graduation, I went to rehab. I then got out and went to graduation, completing law school with honors. I took and passed the bar exams in two states on the first try. My sober life was looking better. But, because of my past, I was found unfit to practice, and after all that hard work, I cannot pursue my passion. I neither wish to forgot the past, nor shut the door on it.
What changed? It took me a lot of difficulty. The steps were a lifesaver for me, as were AA meetings and some great spoonsors. I had to face total surrender and come to know that I am an alcoholic, and that means a heck of a lot more than just not being able to drink. I lack, on my own merit, what it takes to live life-normally, happy joyous and free. I had to be releived from the bondage of self. No amount of psychiatry, nor medications would change that. I could not change myself. It was through the 12 steps that I have been given a chance again. I have to work on this every day, sometimes all day. But, through willingness, I have come to have more faith that things will work out as long as I turn everything over to my higher power.
We can all find our ways through this. I know I have. My physical health has returned, and I no longer wish that I would die every night. My nightly prayer used to be begging that I wouldn't wake up. Now I can find gratitude every day. This life isn't easy. Life isn't a cruise ship, its a life boat and sometimes you need to pick up a paddle and row for a while. I've lost so much, but gained something-self love once again. I have to work hard at maintaining that, because it can be taken away from me so fast. But as long as I work on it, it keeps getting better. I have a new life, a second chance. My primary purpose is to stay sober, and to help other alcoholics achieve sobriety. It keeps me out of my head which is my key to survival-not doing what I want, how I want, when I want.
All the best,
X
Hey everyone, I thought I would share my story here. I've been lucky to have a lot of awareness and learning lately, along with some spiritual awakenings which have been quite beneficial. So, after gleaning so much from what everyone else has already written and I've read so many times, I decided to share.
I grew up the youngest of 5 children in an Irish Catholic family. I had a great upbringing, wonderful parents and brothers and sisters who really cared for me and still do. I had unconditional love all the way. We weren't rich, but we always had food on the table and a sense of security. However, from a very young age, about 7 or 8, I always had this feeling like I didn't fit in, like I didn't belong. I was a loner. I never really had any enemies, and wasn't hated, I just didn't know how to interact with people well. I even felt inferior around my family.
When I was 11, my olderst brother got married. He's 15 years older than me, though we always got along well. That was my first drink. At 11 years old, I snuck away from the wedding party before the reception started and got quite drunk. I didn't even know a lot about alcohol, just that it was around and people seemed to enjoy it. Long story short, it began a long career of badness. Right off the bat, I felt an escape from being me, something I always wanted to run away from. I ended up so drunk I had to be taken to a hotel room with my grandmother. Even at that young age, I drank a lot and didn't manage to get sick.
Over the next couple of years, my life got more difficult. I was having feelings that I knew were different than others, I was gay. I wasn't ashamed of it at all, and had no problems with it. I never lived a lie, and always felt comfortable with who I was. I got beat up a lot in school because of it. I hated school as a result, and would not tell my family why I was having issues. I deeply feared being thrown out of the house for being gay. We were a deeply religious family, and I had a brother thrown out just for sleeping with his girlfriend before being married. I continued to drink whenever I could, always being a mess every time-sloppy, out of control, and not remembering much. From the outside, people may have thought I was just uncomfortable being gay, but that's not true. I was battling the bondage of self, because I am an alcoholic. I'm a classic self-hater. For whatever reason, when I walk down the street, or into a room full of people, I instantly compare myself to others, and immediately point out to myself how they are superior. Looks, personality, material things, friends etc. I just cannot seem to love myself.
When I was 14, I attempted suicide, and due to my father deciding to come home from work for lunch on a nice friday afternoon, I was intercepted. To this day, he doesn't know what I was doing, but I was seconds away from it. I wasn't like people who make it through those things, I was disappointed and angry it wasn't successful.
When i was 16 my drinking was already out of control. One night my senior year of high school, I drank a 1/5 of whiskey and took drugs and overdosed. I almost died again, and the hospital saved my life. At that point due to family and school intervention, I broke away from my friends, who were good friends, and really wanted me to be healthy. But, I isolated and focused on school and work. I worked full time and went to college full time and after my first two years, I had a 4.0 GPA and a good life with lots of savings. I never went to meetings, but I did buy an AA big book and learned about alcoholism. I knew who and what I was. I was being successful, but I still hated myself. Something was always missing, and still didin't fit in. I may have been sober, but I was as dry a drunk as you could be.
After about two years, I started drinking again. I kept up work and school and graduated, but my grades dropped to a 3.0 GPA. A miracle to be honest. I worked but I was drinking every day until I passed out, by myself, in a room with nothing going on, no TV, no radio.
I then got a job at a big growing company. I worked there for 6 years, and continued my drinking patterns. Every single night, drink at 530, pass out by 7, wake up, drink until I passed out again and go to work the next morning. Amazingly, I was still very successful at work. They thought I was a rock star, full of energy and charisma. The truth was, each night I was a mess, wishing I would die every night. I made enough money that I could drink what I wanted when I wanted. At age 22 I started having seizures, my health was in decline but I kept going.
At age 26, I decided to follow a lifelong dream and attend law school. The day after I was accepted, I attempted suicide again. I drank obscene amounts, and took handfulls of valium. I woke up on my kitchen floor a couple days later in utter belief. All I did was take a shower, and keep going to work and drinking. I attended law school, and scored amazing grades and worked really hard. My health was really declining, and I had terrible cases of the shakes after a few hours wihtout alcohol. I wasn't happy still, even after accomplishing so much, and seemingly having it all. My friends and family were really noticing how bad off I was. I was isolating big time, but I was 1000 miles from home in another state. Pancreatitis was a norm, and my liver was in bad shape. I was bruising, blacking out for days at a time, and throwing up blood.
All these years, I truly wanted to stop, but I couldn't. In 8 years, I couldn't remember a day that I didn't drink. I soon ran out of money and stopped paying bills to support my habit. My phone was shut off, I lost my apartment and was living in my car. Then that was repossessed while I was living in it. I didn't even have money for gas, otherwise I would have driven away. I hit my rock bottom when I couldn't function physically, mentally and I had no money for alcohol. Through all this I was still showing up to classes and my internhsip wearing suits. Nobody knew how bad it was, but they knew I was coming unraveled by the looks of me.
A month before graduation, I went to rehab. I then got out and went to graduation, completing law school with honors. I took and passed the bar exams in two states on the first try. My sober life was looking better. But, because of my past, I was found unfit to practice, and after all that hard work, I cannot pursue my passion. I neither wish to forgot the past, nor shut the door on it.
What changed? It took me a lot of difficulty. The steps were a lifesaver for me, as were AA meetings and some great spoonsors. I had to face total surrender and come to know that I am an alcoholic, and that means a heck of a lot more than just not being able to drink. I lack, on my own merit, what it takes to live life-normally, happy joyous and free. I had to be releived from the bondage of self. No amount of psychiatry, nor medications would change that. I could not change myself. It was through the 12 steps that I have been given a chance again. I have to work on this every day, sometimes all day. But, through willingness, I have come to have more faith that things will work out as long as I turn everything over to my higher power.
We can all find our ways through this. I know I have. My physical health has returned, and I no longer wish that I would die every night. My nightly prayer used to be begging that I wouldn't wake up. Now I can find gratitude every day. This life isn't easy. Life isn't a cruise ship, its a life boat and sometimes you need to pick up a paddle and row for a while. I've lost so much, but gained something-self love once again. I have to work hard at maintaining that, because it can be taken away from me so fast. But as long as I work on it, it keeps getting better. I have a new life, a second chance. My primary purpose is to stay sober, and to help other alcoholics achieve sobriety. It keeps me out of my head which is my key to survival-not doing what I want, how I want, when I want.
All the best,
X
Last edited by Opivotal; 05-06-2017 at 11:50 AM. Reason: Title Format
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