bluehour

I just discovered how deep the dysfunction in our family ran due to my parents narcissism.

Does anyone else have experience with this?

Boudicca

I personally don't, but my husband grew up with TWO narcissistic parents. It was absolute hell for him, he was lucky to get out alive. One has since passed and one is alive but lives in another state. He only speaks to that parent a couple of times a year.

He really doesn't talk about it much but one thing he will say is that narcissists will never EVER change. They can't be reasoned with, bargained with, influenced or controlled. You just have to save yourself.

You might get more responses if you post this in one of the other forums?

B

LDT

Yep....I think I could write a book. I'm fairly sure my mother has ( undiagnosed ) NPD (narcissistic personality disorder ). I've chosen to only communicate when absolutely necessary, which is challenging because my father now has dementia.

happybeingme

My mother has strong narcissistic characteristics. I have recently gone no contact. I tend to share about it on the adult childrens forum.
Passive/aggressive, gaslighting, the needd to always be in the limelight. Unable to express real empathy. Refusal to see you as an individual. Physical, mental abuse, neglect. Its a nasty illness. Most therapist wont work with a narcissist. Its ugly and can be dangerous.

LDT

^^^ This .

Choobie

I'm in the exact same situation. My mother also controls/manipulates through dramatising her own illnesses (likè using a bell to call you to her room if she has a cold or headache or needing me to drive over to put gas in her car because she is too weak to turn the gas lid on the gas tank). She's recently realized that my father can no longer take care of her and soon himself. She is suddenly flattering me, etc. Very challenging!

Mirage74

I've gotten a lot out of this thread. It makes me realize I'm not the only one. My mother is a narcissist. My sisters are as well. It's unbearable to be around them. I agree, all you can do is escape, if they let you. They will never change, they have no desire to. They are perfectly content thinking they are the center of the universe, and they expect everyone around them to treat them as such.

Hammer

Found this was very helpful for me.

STBXAW seems closer to Borderline or Borderline Traits, but for all I know may consider herself NPD. I say that because she started projecting NPD on me a few months ago. Wish I were joking. She has projected just about everything she has/had on me. Part of how I know what she is up to. At any rate, a good book for our side >>>

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get ... - Margalis Fjelstad - Google Books

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life: Amazon.co.uk: Margalis Fjelstad: Books

bluehour

Thanks for those answers. I asked because i am wondering how many people are aware of the ramifications of narcissism/NPD on children.

I was very small when my mom died and I was left with a narcissist father who literally moved another woman into our home 4 weeks after our mom died, and proceeded to marry her two months after that. Eloped, nonetheless. Bonus points, she is a narcissist too.

I never felt loved growing up, and I have finally accepted at 37 that I truly never was, at least after my mom died.

Combined with a blazing alcoholism gene that has torn through our family, I feel lucky to have survived all the stuff I put myself through, trying to find love and acceptance and happiness.

Once you know the disorder you can spot it pretty easily, and I see it here in posts especially about parents or spouses.

Also I think alcoholism does a pretty good job, by itself, mimicking narcissism.

I think it can be an amazingly painful disorder for everyone around, especially for the children. Also I think it is more common than I thought.

happybeingme

Blue- I agree that it is probably much more prevalent than many think. It is a horrible thing. I am 42 and still have problems because of my mothers narcissism. I dont trust people much. I have a hard time with intimacy. I even have a hard time with the truth when my mom is so good at denying it.

Soberpotamus

Yep. My mother and her father were probably pathologically narcissistic... and I suspect my great-grandfather was as well. Runs deep. So does the alcoholism and drinking.

I went no contact with my mother, and she ended up killing herself.

soberjuly

My dad is a narcissist but with my mom having full physical custody he was never able to do much damage although he tried and I supposed I am somewhat damaged by him but I just don't think about it.

I can't have him in my life - at all. He flipped out when I had a son in 2000. He has 6 daughters and a major hangup about that. 3 girls by 2 wives, my mom and my stepmom.

Anyhow, his hatred of my son was too much to take. It's sad but he was never there for me anyhow even when he was there. He was just always an abusive person. Mean, nasty, vile. He told me when my son was 5 yrs old that my son would be a problem child and the way to deal with it is to whack him around (and he motioned with his hand). I left and never came back. My son spilled some orange juice and my stepmom screamed in his face - she is also a narcissist - and he dropped the glass and it broke.

That is why he was deemed a problem child. My stepmom has NO plastic cups or plates or bowls in the house because she deems it "lower class". She only buys glassware from Paris and it's like $30 per glass. My dad saved a ton of money when he refused to support his first family so it's all brand new Jaguars and etc for them.

They are 2 snobs on a hill but totally narcissistic.

I wanted a dad like Steve Martin in all those 'father of the bride" movies...lol...but it didn't happen.

So I don't have any advice except I know nothing will change, I gave up that dream a few years back.

My dad probably drinks 1-2 bottles of French wine every evening, you know, it's healthy and what cultured people do. My dad and stepmom sleep in different rooms, she drinks an entire pot of that pressed coffee, you know the French press thing...so she's always wired and crabby in the morning.

They had a suspicious fire a few years back and had the entire house re-done. They actually, I kid you not, flew to Paris to buy books that they claimed were lost in the fire and bought in France, along with entire wardrobes they said were bought in Paris. At one point, my dad said they were struggling to spend the last 100k in the time allowed. I believe they claimed 400k lost in personal items.

At the time I was in college on student loans, and a couple PT jobs, because my dad refused to help me. He also bragged at the time his company was taking in 100k a month. This was the late 90s.

Oh and he thinks and tells everyone he is of French descent which is utter BS. I don't know why he thinks it is a superior culture but he does. His last name is 100% German and his mother gave me the family tree before she passed and there are no French names. My mom is 1/2 Swedish and 1/2 Norwegian. My stepmom is 100% German. And my dad and stepmom look German. They gave all 3 of their daughters very French names. Fine to be enthralled by a culture but to claim it as their heritage? I never quite figured that one out.

Oh and he also said to me, he only tells people he has 3 daughters, not 6, because in the scholarly, intellectual world he inhabits, people just don't have that many kids. He told me this before he took me to his church, I guess he didn't want me to tell anyone in his world that I am actually his daughter.

Everything to my dad and stepmom is appearance. How they look to other people.
Well, I just think they look like weirdos. I don't think anyone looks at them and envies them.

SunshineDay

I'm new here, but the word narcissistic caught my eye. My ex is a sociopath, which is mostly the same as a narcissist. It is very serious business. I was completely brainwashed by my ex thinking he was so loving and amazing and too good to be true. While he was also being covertly abusive, gaslighting like crazy. The relationship was amazing and HELL at the same time. Anyway, my point is that if anyone needs more information or wants to talk to others specifically about this more, there's a great forum on psychopathfree.com where there are many people who are related to, or dated, or worked with them. And lots and lots of useful information as well. And info on how to deal with them, no contact if possible, and methods to be safe if you have to have contact with them.