Just need a little hope! (Suggestions welcome too)
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 285
Just need a little hope! (Suggestions welcome too)
I'm not sure which area to put this in so hopefully it's ok here.
I've been sober for 2.5 years, work with a sponsor, go to meetings regularly, etc. I also have PTSD and a whole host of other mental health issues that doctors can't really decide on. (I'm usually just "not otherwise specified" these days...lol). In my time being sober I've gone from suicidal to overall doing pretty well.
The problem is that now it feels like my brain has decided that it's clear enough to bring back some of the PTSD issues I've tried so desperately to hide from for so many years. Suddenly it's like my trauma is right there in front of me again. I can't sleep because as soon as I lay down trauma memories start up. It's like I feel it happening all over again and it's awful. If I do manage to fall asleep I generally wake up with horrible nightmares after a few hours. I have all this fear coming up that I know isn't related to the present but I still can't separate from it. I get afraid to even go outside, even though there's a lot out there in the world that I want to do. Of course the lack of sleep makes the fear worse and I get afraid to talk to anyone and just want to hide. It's a bad cycle and I reach the point I can barely think straight. I've upset multiple friends because they don't understand why I don't want to be around them. (But when I try to be around them I end up either yelling at them or sobbing because my brain is so crazy).
I love my sponsor, but she doesn't get it. At all. She tries, but it's not something she can really relate to. I get that, but it's not like I can separate myself from it and just focus on AA stuff with her. My relationship with her is so important to me but I know right now I'm frustrating the hell out of her because I can't think straight. I can't communicate to her well at all right now...and she thinks I'm not trying because I'm not doing much. I tell her I'm doing what I can, but I get the typical AA response of, essentially, suck it up and do better. I'm sure there are things I could be doing better, but it feels so freaking hard just to exist right now. It's as bad as early sobriety all over again! I've started with a new therapist, which I hope shows her I'm trying....but I've had a verrrrry hard time over the years finding a therapist I can work with, and even with the right one it's going to be very slow going, especially since I'm really not a talker. I can write all this but face to face there's no way I'd be able to say any of it....so I definitely can't talk about the really important stuff.
The recovery I've done thus far gives me faith and hope. I know this will all work out somehow. But right now it's so hard when I feel like things are crumbling around me and I don't know where to turn. I'm thinking of looking for a dual diagnosis meeting...I know there are a couple around me though the timing of them is very hard for me to get to. I like the AA format, but right now some AA stuff is just driving me crazy because I feel like I can't do what the program is asking of me. Maybe that is just a cop-out, I don't know. But I really feel like I'm doing the best I can right now.
Sorry this is so long...I'd just like to hear if this is normal to have stuff come up like this after being sober for a while. It's this kind of stuff that caused me to drink because it was just so awful I had to get away from it. I worked through some of it in early sobriety, and I just didn't expect it to come back with this much of a vengeance. So I'm wondering if it's normal, and would also just love to hear some stories of hope from anyone who has been where I am and gotten through it. Does this PTSD stuff ever really get better? Also, I'm totally open to suggestions. Like I said I'm sure there's stuff I could be handling a whole lot better. Even if it is telling me to suck it up and do better, if that's really the case. (But be nice to me, I'm sensitive! lol).
I've been sober for 2.5 years, work with a sponsor, go to meetings regularly, etc. I also have PTSD and a whole host of other mental health issues that doctors can't really decide on. (I'm usually just "not otherwise specified" these days...lol). In my time being sober I've gone from suicidal to overall doing pretty well.
The problem is that now it feels like my brain has decided that it's clear enough to bring back some of the PTSD issues I've tried so desperately to hide from for so many years. Suddenly it's like my trauma is right there in front of me again. I can't sleep because as soon as I lay down trauma memories start up. It's like I feel it happening all over again and it's awful. If I do manage to fall asleep I generally wake up with horrible nightmares after a few hours. I have all this fear coming up that I know isn't related to the present but I still can't separate from it. I get afraid to even go outside, even though there's a lot out there in the world that I want to do. Of course the lack of sleep makes the fear worse and I get afraid to talk to anyone and just want to hide. It's a bad cycle and I reach the point I can barely think straight. I've upset multiple friends because they don't understand why I don't want to be around them. (But when I try to be around them I end up either yelling at them or sobbing because my brain is so crazy).
I love my sponsor, but she doesn't get it. At all. She tries, but it's not something she can really relate to. I get that, but it's not like I can separate myself from it and just focus on AA stuff with her. My relationship with her is so important to me but I know right now I'm frustrating the hell out of her because I can't think straight. I can't communicate to her well at all right now...and she thinks I'm not trying because I'm not doing much. I tell her I'm doing what I can, but I get the typical AA response of, essentially, suck it up and do better. I'm sure there are things I could be doing better, but it feels so freaking hard just to exist right now. It's as bad as early sobriety all over again! I've started with a new therapist, which I hope shows her I'm trying....but I've had a verrrrry hard time over the years finding a therapist I can work with, and even with the right one it's going to be very slow going, especially since I'm really not a talker. I can write all this but face to face there's no way I'd be able to say any of it....so I definitely can't talk about the really important stuff.
The recovery I've done thus far gives me faith and hope. I know this will all work out somehow. But right now it's so hard when I feel like things are crumbling around me and I don't know where to turn. I'm thinking of looking for a dual diagnosis meeting...I know there are a couple around me though the timing of them is very hard for me to get to. I like the AA format, but right now some AA stuff is just driving me crazy because I feel like I can't do what the program is asking of me. Maybe that is just a cop-out, I don't know. But I really feel like I'm doing the best I can right now.
Sorry this is so long...I'd just like to hear if this is normal to have stuff come up like this after being sober for a while. It's this kind of stuff that caused me to drink because it was just so awful I had to get away from it. I worked through some of it in early sobriety, and I just didn't expect it to come back with this much of a vengeance. So I'm wondering if it's normal, and would also just love to hear some stories of hope from anyone who has been where I am and gotten through it. Does this PTSD stuff ever really get better? Also, I'm totally open to suggestions. Like I said I'm sure there's stuff I could be handling a whole lot better. Even if it is telling me to suck it up and do better, if that's really the case. (But be nice to me, I'm sensitive! lol).
Riverbird.. I am sorry you are struggling right now. I don't have any experience with this, but someone will be along to help, and suggest most likely. this forum can be a bit quiet, so it may be a little bit. Keep bumping it along
I wonder if perhaps you could write your feelings to your therapist? I think it would be a great way to break the ice, so to speak, and get some things out there, to begin working through?
I have heard that with work, PTSD can be worked through, but it takes time and courage. I bet you have the courage, from your honest and willing post, you sound ready.
please do the things that physically help you and the mind follows, they say. do take care of the basics for yourself.
I wish you much success,
hugs
I wonder if perhaps you could write your feelings to your therapist? I think it would be a great way to break the ice, so to speak, and get some things out there, to begin working through?
I have heard that with work, PTSD can be worked through, but it takes time and courage. I bet you have the courage, from your honest and willing post, you sound ready.
please do the things that physically help you and the mind follows, they say. do take care of the basics for yourself.
I wish you much success,
hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 285
Riverbird.. I am sorry you are struggling right now. I don't have any experience with this, but someone will be along to help, and suggest most likely. this forum can be a bit quiet, so it may be a little bit. Keep bumping it along
I wonder if perhaps you could write your feelings to your therapist? I think it would be a great way to break the ice, so to speak, and get some things out there, to begin working through?
I have heard that with work, PTSD can be worked through, but it takes time and courage. I bet you have the courage, from your honest and willing post, you sound ready.
please do the things that physically help you and the mind follows, they say. do take care of the basics for yourself.
I wish you much success,
hugs
I wonder if perhaps you could write your feelings to your therapist? I think it would be a great way to break the ice, so to speak, and get some things out there, to begin working through?
I have heard that with work, PTSD can be worked through, but it takes time and courage. I bet you have the courage, from your honest and willing post, you sound ready.
please do the things that physically help you and the mind follows, they say. do take care of the basics for yourself.
I wish you much success,
hugs
I gave my therapist some of my poetry, so she could at least get a sense of who I am. I'm hesitant to write more than that for her, because as you can see here I tend to get carried away when I write and don't want to accidentally tell her more than I'm ready for and scare myself worse. It's a good idea though for sure. I'm thinking about next time bringing my notebook with me so I can write notes to her during the session. That way I can give it to her during or after or whatever but I can add stuff if i'm not able to say it.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
That's a great idea.
While I do not suffer the horror of PTSD, I have found that some problems I had buried while drinking are suddenly staring me right in the face at 8 months' sobriety.
I think that that "confrontation of darkness" process is fairly common as we give up alcohol and other coping masks.
I wish you the very best!
While I do not suffer the horror of PTSD, I have found that some problems I had buried while drinking are suddenly staring me right in the face at 8 months' sobriety.
I think that that "confrontation of darkness" process is fairly common as we give up alcohol and other coping masks.
I wish you the very best!
I'm sorry that I don't have any specific advice, but I would like to toss a few things out there. First off, congrats on 2.5 years of sober time! Not only is that awesome in and of itself, like you point out- it should give you hope!
Second I want to say that very few things are insurmountable. I'm not sure what resource will be required but it's out there.
Just want to know someone out there hears you.
Second I want to say that very few things are insurmountable. I'm not sure what resource will be required but it's out there.
Just want to know someone out there hears you.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
These symptoms are the very epitome of what PTSD is.
I highly recommend printing out your posts here and just handing them to your therapist.
You are slowing your recovery by not fully informing her...and I am sure you want this resolved as quickly as possible.
She will not be surprised at your symptoms and certainly not judgmental.
She will simply be better equipped to treat you.
(((((HUGS)))))
I highly recommend printing out your posts here and just handing them to your therapist.
You are slowing your recovery by not fully informing her...and I am sure you want this resolved as quickly as possible.
She will not be surprised at your symptoms and certainly not judgmental.
She will simply be better equipped to treat you.
(((((HUGS)))))
I had recurring nightmares and a cognitive therapist gave me this advice. Before going to sleep, say out loud: "If I dream about _______ I will wake up immediately!" Say it forcefully and mean it. It stopped my bad dreams from the first time I said the words. Keep doing it though, the dreams will return for a while. It helps to see the mind as an old, inept computer. Garbage in, garbage out. I also see it as an unruly child that has to be disciplined (with love).
I've been sober 22.5 years and throughout that time I've dealt with major depression with a shrink. What also helped enormously was adding Nordic Naturals liquid fish oil, one tablespoon per day. This is the only fish oil with third party testing to insure purity. It made a huge difference in my mental health.
You're not turning over the PTSD to your shrink by not telling her. You must do that, therapy can make a huge difference, as it did for me.
God bless!
I've been sober 22.5 years and throughout that time I've dealt with major depression with a shrink. What also helped enormously was adding Nordic Naturals liquid fish oil, one tablespoon per day. This is the only fish oil with third party testing to insure purity. It made a huge difference in my mental health.
You're not turning over the PTSD to your shrink by not telling her. You must do that, therapy can make a huge difference, as it did for me.
God bless!
RB...I am sorry you are struggling. I think we as humans stuff our feelings. As you have gotten some real time in recovery I am guessing your mind knows it's not healthy to stuff those things and are bringing them front and center for you to deal with.
A counselor who understands addiction would be ideal for you. I say that so they could help you deal with these issues while understanding what you have went through to get sobriety and maintain it.
And keep posting here at SR!!! Congrats on all of your progress!!! I know you will be able to get through this, and in the end will have relief from it.
God Bless!
A counselor who understands addiction would be ideal for you. I say that so they could help you deal with these issues while understanding what you have went through to get sobriety and maintain it.
And keep posting here at SR!!! Congrats on all of your progress!!! I know you will be able to get through this, and in the end will have relief from it.
God Bless!
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 285
Thank you all. My therapist knows I have a history of trauma, just not details. She's said that for now the details don't really matter, since the focus is helping me through my anxiety in the present. Once I get to where I can manage my anxiety and cope in the present then we can start looking at what we need to of the past. Works for me. Like I said, I've shared some of my poetry with her, which gives a pretty clear indication of at least what type of trauma it was. Also, she is sober through AA (16 years I think she said) so she gets that part as well. I didn't even know that when I chose to start workin with her but it gives me hope that maybe she'll get me better than others have in the past.
I just wish I could see some sign of it getting better. I mean it already is better than when I first got sober...a lot better! The other day I got to be a part of taking a meeting to the psych ward where I attended my very first meeting 3 years ago (and thought all the AA ppl were full of **** with their "simple program" and hope talk...lol). That showed me that I have made a lot of progress because I'm so different than when I was there. But it's still hard to feel like I'm back to trapped in the utter craziness. I'm meeting with my sponsor tonight so hopefully that will go ok. Usually I really like meeting with her, but this is the first time we've really been at odds over something in a long time.
I just wish I could see some sign of it getting better. I mean it already is better than when I first got sober...a lot better! The other day I got to be a part of taking a meeting to the psych ward where I attended my very first meeting 3 years ago (and thought all the AA ppl were full of **** with their "simple program" and hope talk...lol). That showed me that I have made a lot of progress because I'm so different than when I was there. But it's still hard to feel like I'm back to trapped in the utter craziness. I'm meeting with my sponsor tonight so hopefully that will go ok. Usually I really like meeting with her, but this is the first time we've really been at odds over something in a long time.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Meeting with sponsor was good. Better than I expected. I was able to put words to some things and I think she's starting to understand. I also got a bit better understanding of where my head is at. While I understand what PTSD is, I don't really "get" why my brain has this sudden need to replay decades old trauma over and over again. I'm exhausted, frustrated, and angry. I know everyone has their own stuff to deal with. I know I'm not the only one who's been through difficult stuff. But I've been having body memories pretty much constantly lately where it feels like the trauma is happening again. Logically I understand that it's not and can stay focused on the present (I used to get lost in it completely), but I still have that constant feeling inside me. Along with the exhaustion, lack of sleep, difficulty focusing, and crazy emotions all stemming from this, I'm just pissed that it still has to be there. I have a lot to be grateful for and truly am grateful for the life I have today, but I just wish I could leave the past in the past once and for all. I'm just so tired of continuing to feel it and having it continue to hang on no matter what I do. I know it takes time and it's a process and all that. I'm just tired.
I can imagine and I can surely relate to the getting tired part! We are here for you, and by the way, congrats on 2&1/2 years sober... that is fantastic!
I cannot say I understand ptsd, but I would imagine it can be a bear to deal with,, putting it lightly, I know.
but hug yourself, for your success so far! baby steps will get you there, even if you take one or two backwards, just keep pushing forward. and do not forget to do something pleasurable for yourself today and dont forget to praise yourself for the strides you are making! this is helping someone else, too, so thank you for sharing.
we are here for you
I cannot say I understand ptsd, but I would imagine it can be a bear to deal with,, putting it lightly, I know.
but hug yourself, for your success so far! baby steps will get you there, even if you take one or two backwards, just keep pushing forward. and do not forget to do something pleasurable for yourself today and dont forget to praise yourself for the strides you are making! this is helping someone else, too, so thank you for sharing.
we are here for you
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 285
I can imagine and I can surely relate to the getting tired part! We are here for you, and by the way, congrats on 2&1/2 years sober... that is fantastic!
I cannot say I understand ptsd, but I would imagine it can be a bear to deal with,, putting it lightly, I know.
but hug yourself, for your success so far! baby steps will get you there, even if you take one or two backwards, just keep pushing forward. and do not forget to do something pleasurable for yourself today and dont forget to praise yourself for the strides you are making! this is helping someone else, too, so thank you for sharing.
we are here for you
I cannot say I understand ptsd, but I would imagine it can be a bear to deal with,, putting it lightly, I know.
but hug yourself, for your success so far! baby steps will get you there, even if you take one or two backwards, just keep pushing forward. and do not forget to do something pleasurable for yourself today and dont forget to praise yourself for the strides you are making! this is helping someone else, too, so thank you for sharing.
we are here for you
The good news is I finally slept. I had a really really bad night last night. The flashbacks got intense and I just couldn't shake the feelings at all. It was bad enough that I just had to curl up and ride it out. There was really nothing else I could do. I guess I finally wore myself out and fell asleep around 2 or 3. Thankfully I then slept til almost noon with no nightmares, so maybe I got it all out of my system. I was up for a couple hours maybe and then fell asleep again until about 5:00. So 5:30 meeting wasn't happening, but at least my body finally got some rest. I have to be up super early for work tomorrow so hopefully all that sleep didn't mess up my sleeping tonight. It was just so so nice to finally be able to rest comfortably without all the body memories there.
I would love to find some people face to face who have experience with both addiction and PTSD (or just mental health stuff). I have some friends online I can talk to but it's not the same. My AA groups are awesome, but I'm feeling really disconnected from them right now. I get really emotional just being around people because of everything goin on in my head, but it's hard to explain to someone what's going on. I really don't want to have to explain my trauma history to people, but my well-meaning friends of course want to know why i'm upset/emotional/whatever. The only dual diagnosis stuff I've found thus far is a part of treatment programs. When I feel a little better I guess I'll start calling some of them and see if there's meetings I can go to without being in treatment. I really don't want to get involved in a full treatment program again, and if it costs anything I can't afford it anyway...but I do need something else. I have one friend who has been through a lot of the same stuff as me, and we used to be able to help each other out...but her issues are getting so intense it's a bit scary. In some ways she's getting better...but in others it feels like she's kinda going the wrong direction. I need someone that can understand what I'm going through without letting me slip back into the "poor me" victimhood. I went to a childhood abuse (where my PTSD comes from) support group and that was alllll victim focused and so not for me. Plus the woman who runs that was my therapist for a while and I gained some insight that showed me she is NOT someone I want to rely on for something like this.
Ok definitely rambling now...getting closer to bedtime just praying this calm can stick around a bit longer. I'm still exhausted from having to deal with all this. Hoping it can translate into sleep.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Hi, there.
Sorry I am so late with my response.
You helped me so much when I was struggling with suicidal thoughts.
I feel for you - I believe I know the way you feel now.
" The problem is that now it feels like my brain has decided that it's clear enough to bring back some of the PTSD issues I've tried so desperately to hide from for so many years. Suddenly it's like my trauma is right there in front of me again. "
I can so relate to this!
That's the way I felt starting since my early recovery through the most of my still ongoing sober year.
And you know that at some moment I hit the lowest point where to deal with pain had no sense any longer. And leaving the life felt like a true relief.
And I so understand your with to hide and stay away from everyone. Though I am doing much better now, I still have a long journey to travel to a full emotional recovery. It's still hard for me to manage emotions. And about two weeks ago I scared hell of my ex when just burst into tears in the cafe where we met to discuss some business matters. Just burst into tears over nothing and couldn't stop for a while. I felt awful, was embarassed when the waiter approached...
" she thinks I'm not trying because I'm not doing much "
Not true! You and her - you are living in different Universes at the moment. You speak different language and see with different eyes. I'd suggest your sponsor to learn more about this subject before making such statements.
"suck it up and do better. " - IMHO, it's the worst thing someone feeliing like that can do to herself. You mind and body are screaming SOS exactly because you can't "such up" any longer. You probably need, pardon my language, vomit out everything that's been torturing you. You body can't take orders like "man up" any longer. It needs help. Not some conventional advices.
THe moment when I finally got the help I needed was when I stopped "manning myself up", and finally cried in front of my therapist saying "I can't do this any more. I can't take it any more. I don't want to live any more. I don't care to live any more. I just don't care."
"I'd just like to hear if this is normal to have stuff come up like this after being sober for a while. It's this kind of stuff that caused me to drink because it was just so awful I had to get away from it. "
I don't know if it's normal or not - but I can relate 100% to that. And that's how I felt. And still feeling sometimes.
As for my story - I've had a terrible PTSD. And still have traces of this. It's' getting better. It took me lots of therapy - I was lucky to have good therapist. It took reviewing and bringing to light every BS belief that was ingrained in me. It took learning to listen to my guts and being able to say "screw you all" sometimes. It took starting to rebuild my belief system from scratch and feeling "zero gravity". It took separating myself from extremely toxic people - precisely my immediate family. It took developing new traits for myself - some of them may seem to be mutually exclusive - like open-mindness and "killer instinct" (the later required to deal with those who aim to destroy you emotionally.
I remember, in November, when my wounds were wide re-opened, I rushed into the office of my therapist, not being able to keep "poker face" any longer. I burst into hysterics, sobbing, grasping for air, and shouting at her "Am I doomed to suffer the rest of my life? Am I doomed to wake up every other night with hot needles of awful memories piercing my brain? Will I ever live like a normal person?
I can't say I never remember my trauma now, but needles somewhat lost their sharpness, and I am dealing with this much better.
As for suggestions - I'd suggest to listen to yourself now. At least it helped me. Imagine, you have a fresh wound on your hand now. And even someone gently caresses your hand, without any evil intention, it still causes unbearable pain. And your natural reaction would be scream, curse, and in no uncertain terms to ask to stay away from touching your wound.
The problem is - your wound is invisible. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't protect it. Give yourself time to heal. If your sponsor freaks your out - take a break. Don't feel guilty and force yourself doing something that hurts you.
Keep looking for a good therapist - mine helped me a lot.
Be selfish. Your primary goal now is to survive. Tell this to your friends and sponsor. IF they don't get it - let it be. You will explain it in more details to your friends later, when you are stronger and healed. If they are real friends, they will understand.
And I surely won't tell you to "suck it up". Exactly the opposite!
Scream, cry, let emotions and pain out.
I so hope your will get better soon.
My dear friend Jeni shared this quote in my Suicidal thread when I was awfually struggling. It resonated so much with me. I will share it with you too)
PM me if you need to talk.
Sending you the most positive and comforting vibes. And lots of hugs. And my virtual shoulder in case you need a good relieving cry.
Take care of yourself.
Sorry I am so late with my response.
You helped me so much when I was struggling with suicidal thoughts.
I feel for you - I believe I know the way you feel now.
" The problem is that now it feels like my brain has decided that it's clear enough to bring back some of the PTSD issues I've tried so desperately to hide from for so many years. Suddenly it's like my trauma is right there in front of me again. "
I can so relate to this!
That's the way I felt starting since my early recovery through the most of my still ongoing sober year.
And you know that at some moment I hit the lowest point where to deal with pain had no sense any longer. And leaving the life felt like a true relief.
And I so understand your with to hide and stay away from everyone. Though I am doing much better now, I still have a long journey to travel to a full emotional recovery. It's still hard for me to manage emotions. And about two weeks ago I scared hell of my ex when just burst into tears in the cafe where we met to discuss some business matters. Just burst into tears over nothing and couldn't stop for a while. I felt awful, was embarassed when the waiter approached...
" she thinks I'm not trying because I'm not doing much "
Not true! You and her - you are living in different Universes at the moment. You speak different language and see with different eyes. I'd suggest your sponsor to learn more about this subject before making such statements.
"suck it up and do better. " - IMHO, it's the worst thing someone feeliing like that can do to herself. You mind and body are screaming SOS exactly because you can't "such up" any longer. You probably need, pardon my language, vomit out everything that's been torturing you. You body can't take orders like "man up" any longer. It needs help. Not some conventional advices.
THe moment when I finally got the help I needed was when I stopped "manning myself up", and finally cried in front of my therapist saying "I can't do this any more. I can't take it any more. I don't want to live any more. I don't care to live any more. I just don't care."
"I'd just like to hear if this is normal to have stuff come up like this after being sober for a while. It's this kind of stuff that caused me to drink because it was just so awful I had to get away from it. "
I don't know if it's normal or not - but I can relate 100% to that. And that's how I felt. And still feeling sometimes.
As for my story - I've had a terrible PTSD. And still have traces of this. It's' getting better. It took me lots of therapy - I was lucky to have good therapist. It took reviewing and bringing to light every BS belief that was ingrained in me. It took learning to listen to my guts and being able to say "screw you all" sometimes. It took starting to rebuild my belief system from scratch and feeling "zero gravity". It took separating myself from extremely toxic people - precisely my immediate family. It took developing new traits for myself - some of them may seem to be mutually exclusive - like open-mindness and "killer instinct" (the later required to deal with those who aim to destroy you emotionally.
I remember, in November, when my wounds were wide re-opened, I rushed into the office of my therapist, not being able to keep "poker face" any longer. I burst into hysterics, sobbing, grasping for air, and shouting at her "Am I doomed to suffer the rest of my life? Am I doomed to wake up every other night with hot needles of awful memories piercing my brain? Will I ever live like a normal person?
I can't say I never remember my trauma now, but needles somewhat lost their sharpness, and I am dealing with this much better.
As for suggestions - I'd suggest to listen to yourself now. At least it helped me. Imagine, you have a fresh wound on your hand now. And even someone gently caresses your hand, without any evil intention, it still causes unbearable pain. And your natural reaction would be scream, curse, and in no uncertain terms to ask to stay away from touching your wound.
The problem is - your wound is invisible. But it doesn't mean you shouldn't protect it. Give yourself time to heal. If your sponsor freaks your out - take a break. Don't feel guilty and force yourself doing something that hurts you.
Keep looking for a good therapist - mine helped me a lot.
Be selfish. Your primary goal now is to survive. Tell this to your friends and sponsor. IF they don't get it - let it be. You will explain it in more details to your friends later, when you are stronger and healed. If they are real friends, they will understand.
And I surely won't tell you to "suck it up". Exactly the opposite!
Scream, cry, let emotions and pain out.
I so hope your will get better soon.
My dear friend Jeni shared this quote in my Suicidal thread when I was awfually struggling. It resonated so much with me. I will share it with you too)
PM me if you need to talk.
Sending you the most positive and comforting vibes. And lots of hugs. And my virtual shoulder in case you need a good relieving cry.
Take care of yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 285
MidnightBlue thank you so so much for your reply! It's great to hear from you and know you're ok. I've been thinking of you. In fact today I was at my boxing class for the first time in a while and it got me wondering how you're doing. I'm sorry I haven't been better about keeping in touch. I love that quote you posted. It's a nice change of perspective on things. I'll post a better reply when I have more energy, but just wanted you to know that I saw this and appreciate it greatly. Thanks!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 15
I'm so sorry to hear about you illness and current situation Riverbird I can't relate to PTSD, but I can relate to anxiety and how to relieve anxiety. I know that PTSD can be cured, that is that your symptoms can be relieved to the extent that they no longer bother you in your every day life. I know how anxiety works and how it's relieved, but it requires courage. The anxiety you are feeling is telling you to avoid certain situations because they pose a danger to you, the thing is that this fear is irrational as going outside or seeing other people isn't actually dangerous. It's possible to prove to your body that these situations isn't in fact dangerous, but to do that you actually have to expose yourself to those situations and think "this isn't dangerous". I know that some situations that trigger anxiety can be extremely tough to face, but by not facing them you are reinforcing your anxiety. This is also true when it comes to the anxiety you feel when thinking about the event that triggered your disorder. The key to recovery is to be able to face the memory, but also the anxiety that comes with it (I know many has troubles connecting the two).
I've previously been deeply depressed, but I've recently actually cleaned up my past and the reasons that lead to my depressed, but it wasn't exactly a walk in the park. I read about mental health, how therapy works and how we process thoughts and memories by actually talking. I had no close relationships (by my own choice), but learned that having close relationships and feeling a sense of belonging is the biggest factor in human prosperity and I knew that I had build relationships to get better. My biggest anxiety was to show others who I really was, tell people about my previous history with alcohol etc. My biggest tread was the fear of showing weakness, but I actually did it. I stopped pretending to be someone else and rather who I really was and with some fantastic courage, I told my then distant friends about myself and my past, I showed complete vulnerability and in this process built strong relationships. Through exposure my anxiety went away, I feel lucky that I actually have people that understand me and accepts me though, it's hard to show vulnerability towards someone who doesn't understand.
I think that is a real issue. Being able to not just talk, but to be completely honest, to show yourself and the feelings you have is truly important not only to treat illnesses, but also to flourish as a human being. Do you mind telling a little about why you find it difficult to talk the important stuff?
I've previously been deeply depressed, but I've recently actually cleaned up my past and the reasons that lead to my depressed, but it wasn't exactly a walk in the park. I read about mental health, how therapy works and how we process thoughts and memories by actually talking. I had no close relationships (by my own choice), but learned that having close relationships and feeling a sense of belonging is the biggest factor in human prosperity and I knew that I had build relationships to get better. My biggest anxiety was to show others who I really was, tell people about my previous history with alcohol etc. My biggest tread was the fear of showing weakness, but I actually did it. I stopped pretending to be someone else and rather who I really was and with some fantastic courage, I told my then distant friends about myself and my past, I showed complete vulnerability and in this process built strong relationships. Through exposure my anxiety went away, I feel lucky that I actually have people that understand me and accepts me though, it's hard to show vulnerability towards someone who doesn't understand.
but I've had a verrrrry hard time over the years finding a therapist I can work with, and even with the right one it's going to be very slow going, especially since I'm really not a talker. I can write all this but face to face there's no way I'd be able to say any of it....so I definitely can't talk about the really important stuff.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,945
Congrats on your 2.5 years sober just do what you can each day like you have been doing. I do not have PTSD or no anyone who has it but I'm schizophrenic mental illness is hard why does GOD put so much on are plate it's not far but HE still loves us do not forget that.
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