thotful

I have two siblings and their wives that I have cut from my life. The two brothers are very likely active in alcoholism and highly critical of me, my wife, and marriage (calling her crazy and me brainwashed, to make sure I know that they "don't like her", arguing I should divorce her, etc).

They have argued that I could come to family get-togethers and they would be "cordial" and "respectful" despite the fact that they continue to repeat the abusive behavior.

I've said that I'm not interested in any relationship since they refuse to resolve their conflict with my wife and I (they haven't said a word to her in several years - I guess their concept of "cordial" is to just pretend like she's not there?) - I've offered to talk - to go with them to counseling with wife and I. None of it has worked.

I am aware that in most if not all disputes I will own at least some % of the issue. Maybe I didn't listen - I didn't set boundaries earlier - I used poor communication, etc.

So, how do I complete an amends with the estranged? Or, would it be harmful to me to do so since I've already tried? A letter?

I don't understand why I would make that effort when I've already tried and got nowhere - they just want to brush everything under the rug - that doesn't work for me. My wife just isn't treated as an equal and I feel nauseous, uncomfortable, etc whenever I'm around them.

I love them and wish them well, but I'm having trouble figuring out if I should make amends and how while maintaining my stance that they are emotionally and spiritually dangerous. They obviously scoff at my work on sobriety and very likely have their own problems they refuse to see. I certainly wonder if my sobriety is at risk with their behavior. Our worlds are completely different now.

Taking5

This step has 2 important qualifiers, namely "wherever possible" and "except when to do so would injure them or others".

It may not be possible to make amends if they are unwilling to accept it. IMO you have done your part for now. Just be alert to a possibility of making amends in the future if their willingness to accept it changes.

Gottalife

Your sponsor is best placed to advise you on this especially if they are familiar with your steps 4-8.

Amends is always fraught with risk and should be approached in a very considered way.
One of the guiding principles is that we have no expectations on the outcome, and also that their faults are not discussed. We are there to sweep off our side of the street.

What amends needs to be made? What was the nature of your harms to them?

My mother and sister are both chronic alcoholics and by choice want nothing to do with me, my children, or anyone else in the family, which numbers around 100.
I made a verbal amends with my sister and also financial, the same with my mother. Once they got the money they didn't want to know us.

My father, a wonderful man, I made amends to by letter. We don't do emotion in our family, so i expressed my regret for all the trouble I had caused him and let him know I loved him. I got a very nice letter back and our relationship was healed. We never discussed those letters.

So what's the nature of the harm. Maybe a letter would be appropriate, if it's financial, include a cheque and payment plan if necessary.

Perhaps an approach can be made through a third party (priest or counsellor maybe) who can explain what it's all about without setting off any drama.

Perhaps they need to stay on your step 8 list, and you need to hold yourself ready to make amends as soon as circumstances permit. I had one like that that had to sit for thirty years, but when the opportunity came I took it at once.

Sometimes, though it is rare, the reaction is negative and hard to take. But we understand at the start of the process we will be hard on ourselves but always considerate of others. We do what we can and leave the outcome to God.

Experience shows if we approach this with expectations, selfish or wrong motives, we are likely to cause even more harm.