nandm

A quick bit of background: Although I have been sober multiple years I have also struggled with mental illness during that time. I have PTSD, chronic depression, and a traumatic brain injury that occurred in 2001. I use AA to treat my alcoholism and both medication and a therapist to treat my mental illnesses.

I spoke to the doctor last week for what I thought was a minor complaint, in fact so minor that I had put off going to the doctor for it for over a year and only brought it up in passing while I was at the doctor for another complaint. She immediately decided I needed to have some lab work drawn as well as a couple types of ultrasounds done. She called me yesterday to let me know that because of the results of those tests she has referred me to a specialist because she fears it is uterine cancer.

I felt relief when she said that rather than shock. The first thought that ran through my head was "Oh good, dying from cancer is a more respected death than by suicide." It only took me a few minutes to feel guilty for thinking that thought as I have a good life, I know that I am loved and people would miss me, I am truly grateful for all that I have, and although I still think about suicide it is usually a fleeting thought anymore as my medications and treatment are keeping me stable right now. It isn't like I want to die right now although I am not afraid of death.

I just can't get over how much guilt I feel over that thought though. Can anyone relate to this? Any experience to share? If so how did you get past the guilty feeling for having thoughts like that? I really feel like a jerk for having thought that.

Coldfusion

Nands, I dealt with my first wife dying of ovarian cancer. I cannot even begin to describe the range of emotions we had to deal with over the two years after she was diagnosed.

A lot of what we think about is a projection of the future. But one cannot imagine the choices one will actually face in the future. There are some who believe that a positive attitude can cure cancer. You can make the choice now to have a positive attitude. But most of what happens is beyond your control.

I think now I would react differently than I did ten years ago. AA has taught me the importance of fellowship--there are people out there who have been where you are, and their experience, strength and hope can be applied to many situations. Please know that you are not alone!

Aellyce

((((Nandm)))) that's a wonderful attitude you have. And congrats on achieving long term sobriety and building a life with increasing stability and fulfillment. No need to feel guilty about your past suffering and thoughts at all - we all probably had many forms of it.

I have no direct personal experience, just a bit of professional background to cancer (I did research many years ago) and my mom had uterine cancer in her 60's. First of all, I suggest that you wait for more evaluation by the specialist as that will give you more accurate information. My mom was diagnosed with her cancer quite like the way you sound at this point - she also had similar earlier history of depression and what fits with PTSD, although she was never treated by a mental health professional for these conditions, so she never really achieved recovery or had not even been truly recovering. She was originally referred to a through general examination because of some issues with her heart, and when she spoke with the doctor, she just mentioned some "minor" problems as a side track, which prompted the doctor to have her examined in a thorough way. That's how they found about her uterine cancer. She was quickly admitted to the hospital then for a radical hysterectomy and more exams. They found the cancer to be localized (no metastases), and basically when she recovered from the surgery, that problem was cured. She had to go back for control exams I think every 6 months and everything was always clear. She lived ~15 more years cancer-free.

Another story: one of my cousins had breast cancer at a relatively young age - had surgeries and chemotherapy - this was, I think, about 20 years ago, quite close to my mom's. The two of them bonded strongly over these experiences and were very close for many years after.

Once again, it's wonderful that you have the type of first reaction that you have had. I hope they will do all the necessary tests soon and you will know more!

Try to keep up the positivity and if you need, find others in the 3D world that have similar problems - I saw directly from the example of my mom-cousin team how that helped them. Like Coldfusion said, you are not alone whatever the outcome.

Live

Yeah, I thought/felt that a few years ago when they found a spot on my lung. It turned out to be nothing.

Guilt, no, I didn't feel that.

By now am used to my brain throwing out inappropriate thoughts from time to time. As long as they don't last and I don't entertain them I don't worry about them.

Are you still thinking/feeling this way about it?

love,
T

Dee74

I have crazy thoughts from time to time that are not worthy of who I want to be - I'm not perfect either

Thoughts are thoughts - especially in a moment of surprise and shock - it's what we do with those thoughts that counts I think nandm

I really hope that all will be well for you with this scare - best wishes J

D

Hollyanne

To Nandm,
Absolutely! Totally understand.
Yup.
Only difference, no guilt.
Wrote a bit more, but deleted.
I think that it is not a "bad thought".
It is what it is. I am the only one who has been on my journey with me every second of every day of my life. Any feelings or opinions or thoughts that I have are 100% valid for me.
I do hope you are OK though.
Hugs.

desypete

like dee says thoughts are thoughts
i remember wishing my son would die quickly so he was out of that fear of dying, can you imagine what its like for a 16 year old boy to be told your going to die with no hope ? well my lad had to face it and the fear he had was just unimaginable, i couldnt do a dam thing to save him no one could,
it was just heartbreaking to watch him suffer like he did, he couldnt even take a cold drink inside of him to quench his thrist
i begged the drs to up his dose of morhine but they couldnt as they could of killed him !!!

i remember saying to the drs i will take my son on a plane to a country like holland were euthanasia is legal

this is my son who i loved with all my heart but all i could see was him suffering daily and there was no hope

today i wish he was still here but then again i am happy he is out of that suffering but the thoughts i had were they wrong ? would we all feel or think the same way ?

there thoughts only and it if we act on those thoughts
i couldnt of taken my son to holland as i couldnt of bared to see him go it ended up with me and him sleeping in my bed room right up until the end
i love that kid with all my heart and i couldnt do anymore for him than i did so my thoughts might seem shocking but there thoughts only

Sasha4

I totally understand.

To me it would be like the decision has been made for me.
The choice ha been taken out of my hands.
Nobody could judge me or discuss what I had decided to do.

Its a strange way to think.
I often wonder of other people have the same thoughts as me.

Without a diagnosis similar to that I could/would be classes as selfish, self obsessed maybe, to leave my daughter without a mum and leave my family behind and sort everything out.

Some days, I plan things but I am mostly reminded that to do something like that would be selfish and would cause hurt and devastation to others.

I wish you the best xx

HeadLump

I do understand this, nandm I don't ever think of suicide and I really don't want to go any time soon, but sometimes I think that a diagnosis of cancer would give me the opportunity to die with diginity, as, God knows, I haven't always lived a dignified life.

I know you feel guilty about the thought, but you are not your thoughts. Thoughts come to you unbidden, it's how you react to them that counts