Stuck on amends
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Stuck on amends
I've had a couple years sober a couple times in the past and always got stuck at some point in my amends. Now I am in the same place.. I feel like I will embarrass people if I approach and make amends to them. I have the sense that people would rather not have this conversation. It's very awkward and I suppose at least part of it is my own fear.
I don't even know what to say. Everyone has different guidance about amends. It is not clear what to do like doing a 4th and 5th step was. The 9th step -- how to know what to say? What even are we really trying to accomplish here. Some people say you do it for yourself, others say no that is selfish - you do it for the other person. Or people say you do it for God. There is no consensus and the Book seems outdated and not so specific in dealing with this.
I think there is an overly anal line of thinking in AA now about making amends for every little tiny thing that happened 20 years ago. When you approach someone about something like that, they think "WTF this is weird", then maybe they get a "weird" idea about what AA is, and now by making the amends have I done harm to AA? See what I mean?
Sorry I'm just unloading a little bit the confusion in my own head about this process.
And what about my family, who I have made AA amends to in the past and then gone back out drinking and caused way more harm. When they see me coming to make amends it might trigger deja vous!
I don't even know what to say. Everyone has different guidance about amends. It is not clear what to do like doing a 4th and 5th step was. The 9th step -- how to know what to say? What even are we really trying to accomplish here. Some people say you do it for yourself, others say no that is selfish - you do it for the other person. Or people say you do it for God. There is no consensus and the Book seems outdated and not so specific in dealing with this.
I think there is an overly anal line of thinking in AA now about making amends for every little tiny thing that happened 20 years ago. When you approach someone about something like that, they think "WTF this is weird", then maybe they get a "weird" idea about what AA is, and now by making the amends have I done harm to AA? See what I mean?
Sorry I'm just unloading a little bit the confusion in my own head about this process.
And what about my family, who I have made AA amends to in the past and then gone back out drinking and caused way more harm. When they see me coming to make amends it might trigger deja vous!
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
I know this is an old post but I thought I'd share my experience anyway. My AA big book group does not have you make amends for every little thing, specifically for the reason you posted--it'd make the person feel awkward about something they probably don't even remember!
That to me, interrupting someone's workday to bring up something you did or said years ago that's probably already forgotten, harms THEM.
My sponsor is having me focus on the big stuff with harms, as well as living amends. Other AA programs don't focus on living amends but I have gotten so much out of living amends and I'm sure the people who have to deal with me appreciate that.
I view the most important amends to be between God and me, as I ask Him for His help to be the person He wants me to be.
Calling up a boss from twenty years ago to make face to face amends for coming in late, talking on the phone, or doing personal stuff online is going to make her feel really awkward and yes wonder about AA. Plus, my sponsor says I didn't steal time from her, I stole time from the company and how do you make amends to a company? I was told to just not do that behavior anymore.
I get it now. :-)
Amends aren't about clearing my conscience.
Hope this helps anyone else reading it.
That to me, interrupting someone's workday to bring up something you did or said years ago that's probably already forgotten, harms THEM.
My sponsor is having me focus on the big stuff with harms, as well as living amends. Other AA programs don't focus on living amends but I have gotten so much out of living amends and I'm sure the people who have to deal with me appreciate that.
I view the most important amends to be between God and me, as I ask Him for His help to be the person He wants me to be.
Calling up a boss from twenty years ago to make face to face amends for coming in late, talking on the phone, or doing personal stuff online is going to make her feel really awkward and yes wonder about AA. Plus, my sponsor says I didn't steal time from her, I stole time from the company and how do you make amends to a company? I was told to just not do that behavior anymore.
I get it now. :-)
Amends aren't about clearing my conscience.
Hope this helps anyone else reading it.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Good post LIP.
AA has only one program and here is one quote about living amends. There are others.
" When your prospect has made such reparation as he can to his family, and has thoroughly explained to them the new principles by which he is living, he should proceed to put those principles into action at home. That is, if he is lucky enough to have a home. Though his family be at fault in many respects, he should not be concerned about that. He should concentrate on his own spiritual demonstration."
AA has only one program and here is one quote about living amends. There are others.
" When your prospect has made such reparation as he can to his family, and has thoroughly explained to them the new principles by which he is living, he should proceed to put those principles into action at home. That is, if he is lucky enough to have a home. Though his family be at fault in many respects, he should not be concerned about that. He should concentrate on his own spiritual demonstration."
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
how do you make amends to a company?
well, i sent my old big-company-employer a cheque/ money order for two days' work for the two days i called in sick when for sure there wasn't a thing wrong with me. i just didn't want to go.
along with the cheque i sent a letter explaining why i was sending a cheque.
i will confess i did this anonymously.
in any case, making amends to a corporation is often entirely possible.
well, i sent my old big-company-employer a cheque/ money order for two days' work for the two days i called in sick when for sure there wasn't a thing wrong with me. i just didn't want to go.
along with the cheque i sent a letter explaining why i was sending a cheque.
i will confess i did this anonymously.
in any case, making amends to a corporation is often entirely possible.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I went back to my old employer to ask the forgiveness of my foreman, and the managers for consistently letting them down by not turning up for work. These guys had tried to help me, perhaps in the wrong way, but seemed very pleased I was finally straightening out. That was amends enough for them.
A few years later, one of the directors, and a couple of workers had turned up in AA, siting my example that AA works. Couldn't have worked out better
A few years later, one of the directors, and a couple of workers had turned up in AA, siting my example that AA works. Couldn't have worked out better
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by Gottalife 
Good post LIP.
AA has only one program and here is one quote about living amends. There are others.
" When your prospect has made such reparation as he can to his family, and has thoroughly explained to them the new principles by which he is living, he should proceed to put those principles into action at home. That is, if he is lucky enough to have a home. Though his family be at fault in many respects, he should not be concerned about that. He should concentrate on his own spiritual demonstration."
AA has only one program and here is one quote about living amends. There are others.
" When your prospect has made such reparation as he can to his family, and has thoroughly explained to them the new principles by which he is living, he should proceed to put those principles into action at home. That is, if he is lucky enough to have a home. Though his family be at fault in many respects, he should not be concerned about that. He should concentrate on his own spiritual demonstration."
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by fini
how do you make amends to a company?
well, i sent my old big-company-employer a cheque/ money order for two days' work for the two days i called in sick when for sure there wasn't a thing wrong with me. i just didn't want to go.
along with the cheque i sent a letter explaining why i was sending a cheque.
i will confess i did this anonymously.
in any case, making amends to a corporation is often entirely possible.
well, i sent my old big-company-employer a cheque/ money order for two days' work for the two days i called in sick when for sure there wasn't a thing wrong with me. i just didn't want to go.
along with the cheque i sent a letter explaining why i was sending a cheque.
i will confess i did this anonymously.
in any case, making amends to a corporation is often entirely possible.
I think it's time for me to ask God in meditation so I can figure out what He wants me to do, since I feel badly about how I acted.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by Gottalife
I went back to my old employer to ask the forgiveness of my foreman, and the managers for consistently letting them down by not turning up for work. These guys had tried to help me, perhaps in the wrong way, but seemed very pleased I was finally straightening out. That was amends enough for them.
A few years later, one of the directors, and a couple of workers had turned up in AA, siting my example that AA works. Couldn't have worked out better
A few years later, one of the directors, and a couple of workers had turned up in AA, siting my example that AA works. Couldn't have worked out better
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