Dee74

continues from here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-11-a-20.html

D

Tamerua

Morning, all!

RAL, sorry to hear about the job, don't feel silly. Take it as a learning experience... it was a practice interview and keep moving forward. And remember, it isn't personal. At all.

Courage, are you going to start looking to put structure into your days? I'm sorry your feeling wonky.

Hi Marria, Napster, gonzo, Taz and Dee.

Still home and in bed with my steroids and Benadryl. I should be good to go to work tomorrow, the Benadryl is having less and less of a sleepy effect on me. Hope everyone has a good day.

Tamerua

Saying good morning, hope everyone is ok!

courage2

Hi folks!

Tam, I hope you're feeling better now.

My sabbatical has now officially begun. I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to produce -- I haven't written anything in my field since the fall of 2011 and there are no more excuses. I've given myself a pretty intense regimen to try to get two papers written over the next 10 weeks to start. When I'm completely self-structured as I will be from now on, I do a lot of neurotic negotiation and arguing with myself, so there's a lot of tension. But I need to try to rise to the next level. Like I said, there are no more excuses.

I hope everyone is ok. Thinking of you all!

Tamerua

Hi all! Hope everyone is doing well and that is why it is so quiet?

Courage, you got this! with some definite structure in your days, you can achieve that. How is everything else? The FS and the minder? Your meetings?

I am on the mend. The hives are still here but much less, today is my last steroid. I probably won't be going to the allergist, it costs a fortune and doesn't get covered by insurance and after my son's leg, we are still catching up. Maybe I will go in Jan. Oddly, I haven't spoken to my sponsor since Friday... I've called. I hope everything is ok.

Hope everyone is doing well! Have a good one!

Dee74

Have a good weekend guys

D

courage2

Hey all, just checking in, I seem to be coming out of a minor down spiral. Yay! Will post more tonight or tomorrow but just want to wish everyone well.

ReadyAtLast

Hello everyone
Sorry I've not checked in for a few days.

Tam- How are you feeling now? It sounds like you've had a pretty rough few days I hope your hives are improving and that you managed to touch base with your sponsor.

Courage-how are you doing? It must be strange having some free time after so many years of a full schedule. Free time can be scary at first but you will get used to it. I wonder how I used to work the hours I worked but obviously did! Maybe take a few days to yourself with no pressure before you start pressuring yourself to start writing. It's also a good opportunity for you to take up new things you 've always fancied doing and can fit round your writing if that's what you fancy doing

Tazzle -are you still on holiday? I hope it is going well.

Marria- it's good to hear from you and I hope you check in more frequently. I know for me, of late, I've been a bit down at times, and just don't check in. But when I do and once I've done it I feel better. I hope we see you more

Even though I check in Newcomers everyday I must check into class too which I've not been doing. Sorry guys

Alice- I'm a bit late to the party but have to say again that the shark stuff looked amazing. You are so brave!!!!! Just wow! how are things with your partner?

Dee-how are you? I'm sorry to hear you have had health issues recently and hope you are feeling better now.

Fallow -good to see you back.How are you?

Napster & Gonzo-hope you check in soon

Well what's been happening with me. I didn't get the job, as you know. The bad feelings I had earlier this week have now subsided, as I knew they would. It's amazing how quickly we bounce back when we've not been drinking.

I'm going to be positive and enjoy the summer. The weather has been fabulous here this week and we've had a week on the beach after nursery. Only 1 week left then they finish for the summer holidays so hopefully the good weather continues.

I feel physically poor at the moment-sore head and neck/shoulders etc which is affecting my sleep or is lack of sleep causing it-not sure. Going for a spa day next week which I'm looking forward to and have a new book to take with me. I'm going to join a local gym too and restart yoga once Jr RAL is at school.

I've had a few historical financial issues which I've really been dealing with since getting sober, more so this year. It feels good to get through this stuff and I've finally paid off the last loan so feeling pretty free and good for dealing with stuff instead of burying my head in the sand hoping things will go away.

I've had a few problems with intolerance of late-me being intolerant of others and feeling very on edge. I know the problem is me and I know the easiest/best/only option is to breathe deeply and walk away. I just wish I didn't feel this way in the first place. why do I get so annoyed with some people. Is it some fundamental flaw in me? Am I unhappy and projecting? Am I resentful,angry, jealous,envious? I don't think so but these things so occur to me. I'm sure exercise will help and eating better does help.

I've lost 10 pounds in weight in 5 weeks so pretty chuffed with that though have probably eaten my body weight in chocolate ice cream this evening .........

Anyway that's all folks

Dee74

I'm good Ready
Don't be too hard on yourself - part of beiung human is having ups and downs, and getting frustrated without it being die to some huge problem. It's just being human .

Glad you're on the upturn Courage

Have a great weekend guys!

D

ReadyAtLast

Thanks Dee.Have a good weekend too

ReadyAtLast

I love cats but Mr RAL does not
Mr RAL loves dogs,I'm less keen
Though as you know we had a dog last year who sadly died. I loved him and was devastated when he died.

I'd love a cat but Mr RAL not keen. Anyway last night I said my friend's cat recently had kittens and I'd like to get one for Sam. He agreed it would be nice for him so we're getting a kitten

I'm so pleased

courage2

Hi folks,

Ready, I'm glad you're getting a kitten -- please post pictures! Congratulations on the weight loss. Maybe that has something to do with feeling intolerant -- I know that when I feel like I'm depriving myself of things I usually find rewarding, I start to resent other people. Good job on getting your finances straighter!

Tam, I can't believe an allergy workup isn't covered by your insurance! I thought American health insurance was supposed to be "fixed" but apparently not I hope your sponsor is ok.

I guess I'm ok. So far I haven't been doing a great job of accomplishing goals with zero structure, but it was week 1, and I allowed myself a little vaca. Not that I allowed myself to enjoy it, mostly, but that's me, isn't it? I think psychologically it's pretty important to me that this year of sabbatical is productive. By productive I mean something I've really never tried before -- I mean that I need to produce a fair amount of sober, non-trivial work that I can actually claim has some value and is not fraudulent. I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself, but I don't see any viable alternative. I could slack off secretly, but that would be crappy and would probably lead me to drink. Or I could just quit my job and find something easier. But I'm not ready to give up.

It looks like the person who comes as close as anyone ever has to being my professional mentor will be leaving the institution where we're both employed. Day to day it won't make much of a difference, but it does mean that I won't have a) her protection; and b) her coattails. She's really the only person I respect or trust professionally at my institution. It triggers my fear of abandonment, but as I told her, so does my husband going to the grocery without me.

Personally, I'm working on various little things to explore who I am other than an alcoholic. I have quite a few kinks, and it's hard for me to tell which ones are problems and which ones are solutions, if you know what I mean. Like alcohol was a solution that became a problem on its own. If a solution is still working, how do you know whether it's a potential problem in the making? Or how do you know that a possible solution isn't a psychological trap? Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on the edge of a great abyss.

Well! I wasn't expecting to write such a long post! Hope you all had a nice read!

ReadyAtLast

Courage-don't be so hard on yourself though it's easy for me to tell you that but I know in practice we don't listen to our own advice.

It's your first week-you are entitled to a short break, even a period of time for re-adjustment and re-settling into your new circumstances and environment-even if not physical then mental and emotional. Your year will be productive and you are in now way a fraud. Your department must know you will be productive and add value or they would not have agreed the sabbatical in the first place.Accept that these things do take time,that's why you have been given so much time.It will not all happen or come together in the first few weeks. The most important thing is you don't drink-everything else will build from there.

I'm sorryyour colleague and mentor is leaving. are you able to stay in touch? Maybe you are stronger than you realise and will fly even without her coattails and protection. Have faith and confidence-you are a strong,intelligent, competent and non drinking lady

Maybe I am intolerant due to neglecting myself though when I eat badly it makes me feel physically and mentally ill so it's a no win situation.

Anyway today I will be positive. Happy sober Sunday

Dee74

Sometimes I think it's perfectly fine, necessary even, to goof off a little Courage

D

courage2

Just checking in. I'm working very hard on goofing off. Today included the exercise room, the grocery, the roof, the talk with FS, and eating a plum. Oh, and trimming my bangs. Some of that doesn't really count as goofing off because it was on the to-do list, but the plum was a surprise to myself! I'm going to make a great effort to include some goofing off in every day. And no guilt.

tazzle

Hello all! I'm back, had a truly wonderful time! We had all kinds of weather, snow, rain, hail, sunshine! It was all beautiful, spent some awesome time with best friend, not enough, lots of tears when we parted. If I remember how I will post some pictures. We ate way to much, now that vacation is over, hubby wants to get serious about getting in shape for hunting season, he leaves next week and will be gone for 2 weeks working on the farm. I am always stressed when he is gone, and this will be the longest ( I think ever) it is haying season and he has a lot to do, so he will be dropping weight like crazy. So I am going to take the plunge and buy the fit bit, and try to keep up with him. (Tam I may drive you nuts with questions).
Okay, here is the hard part, I did drink, did not get drunk, not that I guess that matters anyway, when we got to Yellowstone Sunday night, we toasted to friendship and family. I knew what I was doing, and I do not regret it. I had one other beer later in the week. With hubby leaving I am worried a little bit about waking up the AV, but I have a plan with learning yoga and getting back into meditiation, learning to eat better etc. I hope I have not disappointed any of you, this has bothered me a lot. But I could not stay with my Decemberites if I didn't tell all of you of my slip, (it wasn't a slip as much as a deliberate step backwards and sideways.)

When I get a chance I will read and do some catch up on everyone. Hope all is well and good with everyone, please do not be to disappointed with me,,,,

courage2

Tazz, I'm glad you're back and safe and well. I'll post more tonight. Not disappointed -- worried? Yes, a little. Love you!!! ((Tazzle))

Tamerua

Hiya!

Taz, ask away! I'm at three month with it and I still use it everyday, and still don't go to bed until I hit 10k steps (with the exception of the days I was in bed). And I'm not disappointed, but like courage, a little worried. I hope you would be worried about me if I drank.

Courage, how are you hanging in there? Is this week looking more on track for structure? How is your son doing?

RAL, are you so excited for a kitten? I have my cats but I got them as adults. Sam will love it! And he can care for something, that will be good for him.

Dee, hope you're feeling ok.

Hi gonzo, Napster, Marria and Alice!

The hives are just about gone, I'm back to running and doing my normal stuff. Work is work. When I drank, I was a workaholic, I had zero work life balance and didn't even know what that meant and now, I still work hard but I leave kind of on time. It is nice.

I'm off to finish binge watching Breaking Bad on Netflix, everyone have a good night!

Dee74

I'm not disappointed either Taz but you can put me down in the worried column too.

Going back to drinking can never be a step forward.
D

courage2

Tazzle, what do you think is going on with that beer you drank? What do you mean by "a deliberate step backwards & sideways?" Here's my worry -- this is what my alcoholism would be saying if I were you: First you didn't get the job you applied for, so sobriety hasn't delivered on its promises. Then, you go off, have a great time with husband, and oh just by the way have a beer. And no harm done, right? So moderation must be okay, right? Next, husband's going to be away, and you've tested the waters, which seem to be safe, and so....Well, if it were me, I know how I'd finish the sentence. For all that I posted about meditation, a part of my brain would be shopping the wine aisle.

I hope that's not what's going on. If it comes to that, please tell us about it honestly. But it doesn't have to come to that -- load on some extra support now and while your husband's away. You don't have any more lessons that need to be learned from personal experience with alcohol, I hope.

Tam, I like your post. I'm glad you're finding a balance between work and life. And I'm glad the hives are nearly gone. Do you have any idea what brought them on?

Summer and the beginning of sabbatical are truly here now. Here's my calendar for the week: tonight I had one 2.5 hour excruciatingly boring business dinner. Tomorrow a 1 hr appt with a colleague. Wednesday lunch with a colleague about some nonsense. Other than that, I won't interact with another live human being all week at work. Next week will probably be even quieter. Sometimes the quiet piles up in the corner of my office in a frightening way.

Ready, Marria, Alice, Gonzo, Fallow -- I hope you're all well.

Dee --