Fear of losing my mind
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 32
Fear of losing my mind
I'm 268 days sober.
I used to smoke weed everyday for 5 years, before quitting. And in the last year of my drug abuse, I dabbled in occasional recreational Adderall use. At first, the Adderall was for studying, but then I slowly began to build a dependence as I liked how it made me feel more confident in my social interactions. On top of those drugs, I was a regular nicotine and caffeine junkie. I realized that my addictive personality was getting out of hand, so I made the intention to stay away from all of it for good.
It's been a rough road to recovery. These days, I'm feeling well for the most part. But for some reason there's not a day that goes by in which I get this anxiety about my mental health. I worry that I may one day go into a psychosis because of all the drugs I've done. It almost feels like a paranoia, but I can't fully classify it as such because It's not a debilitating fear. It's more like a thought that crosses my mind very subtly, and then I won't think much of it for the rest of the day. Like I'll be eating dinner and be using a knife to cut through a steak, and then I'll get a disturbing thought of hurting someone, and in my mind I'll start thinking "you're gonna go crazy one day and do it," but I know in my heart of hearts that I'm not capable of doing such an awful thing, so I just let the thought pass and run off like water.
Then there are some days where I feel like recovery isn't worth it, because when I was using drugs I never had these types of thoughts or feelings. And when I snap out of the urge to relapse, I start thinking that if these feelings are what I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life then life itself isn't worth it. But then then next morning I'll go for a run or do something active and I find myself in a better mood.
I need to know if anyone else has had a similar experience in their recovery. Does anyone else fear that one day they'll lose their mind because of their prior drug abuse? Is this even a legitimate fear? Is my anxiety normal, even after almost 9 months of being sober? I know it's a short amount of sobriety compared to my history of drug abuse, but I feel like I should be "cured" by now...
I used to smoke weed everyday for 5 years, before quitting. And in the last year of my drug abuse, I dabbled in occasional recreational Adderall use. At first, the Adderall was for studying, but then I slowly began to build a dependence as I liked how it made me feel more confident in my social interactions. On top of those drugs, I was a regular nicotine and caffeine junkie. I realized that my addictive personality was getting out of hand, so I made the intention to stay away from all of it for good.
It's been a rough road to recovery. These days, I'm feeling well for the most part. But for some reason there's not a day that goes by in which I get this anxiety about my mental health. I worry that I may one day go into a psychosis because of all the drugs I've done. It almost feels like a paranoia, but I can't fully classify it as such because It's not a debilitating fear. It's more like a thought that crosses my mind very subtly, and then I won't think much of it for the rest of the day. Like I'll be eating dinner and be using a knife to cut through a steak, and then I'll get a disturbing thought of hurting someone, and in my mind I'll start thinking "you're gonna go crazy one day and do it," but I know in my heart of hearts that I'm not capable of doing such an awful thing, so I just let the thought pass and run off like water.
Then there are some days where I feel like recovery isn't worth it, because when I was using drugs I never had these types of thoughts or feelings. And when I snap out of the urge to relapse, I start thinking that if these feelings are what I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life then life itself isn't worth it. But then then next morning I'll go for a run or do something active and I find myself in a better mood.
I need to know if anyone else has had a similar experience in their recovery. Does anyone else fear that one day they'll lose their mind because of their prior drug abuse? Is this even a legitimate fear? Is my anxiety normal, even after almost 9 months of being sober? I know it's a short amount of sobriety compared to my history of drug abuse, but I feel like I should be "cured" by now...
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 46
Perhaps you always had anxiety, but it was masked by self-medicating with weed.
In the book Panic to Power, author Lucinda Bassett describes the thoughts that her anxious patients are tormented by.
Thoughts like "what if i drive onto oncoming traffic?" "what if I jumped out the window without meaning to?" These kinds of thoughts are a symptom of anxiety and it does not mean you are crazy or going crazy. Anxiety is just really good at making the person feel they are losing their mind.
In the book Panic to Power, author Lucinda Bassett describes the thoughts that her anxious patients are tormented by.
Thoughts like "what if i drive onto oncoming traffic?" "what if I jumped out the window without meaning to?" These kinds of thoughts are a symptom of anxiety and it does not mean you are crazy or going crazy. Anxiety is just really good at making the person feel they are losing their mind.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,352
it's not quite the same but I was very hypochondriac my first year.
My drug was alcohol and I was forever worried about liver disease, cancer, wet brain dementia...
Are you seeing a counsellor? that really helped me.
D
My drug was alcohol and I was forever worried about liver disease, cancer, wet brain dementia...
Are you seeing a counsellor? that really helped me.
D
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by mac2809 
the longer you don't use, the longer you learn to handle mental issues without drugs. Honestly your still new in sobriety, by the time i was around 3 years sober/clean i was able to manage my mental accordingly.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 22
This is my reply to "if godwillsit" I have read and heard that it takes a year to be almost completely cured from an addiction. I wolf do this if I was you. FIRST I would pray every morning for Jesus to not allow any ungodly thoughts to come into my mind for that day. SECOND if they still persisted then I would see a professional but NOT a psychiatrist since they would want to prescribe medicine for you and most medicine has side effects to them.
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