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Class of October 2013 - Part 11

Old 04-17-2014, 05:26 AM
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Class of October 2013 - Part 11

Last part here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-10-a-20.html

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Old 04-17-2014, 07:41 AM
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DD, keep working on those parental feelings, they run deep, but you can have peace with them. You are an insightful, good, genuine person and you're doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and your relationship with your immediate family.

I've only seriously quit one other time, but this time it feels different. For me it's similar to what Trudging said - this time my approach and insight are different - I don't like me when I'm drinking. I don't like how I relate to others when I'm drinking. I don't like feeling embarrassed the next day, wondering if I said or did something embarrassing. I'm motivated by that embarrassment, for better or for worse. Reminding myself why I'm doing this, caring about myself, checking in here and reminding myself that I can't drink like a normal person, all that helps.

In the past week someone I dated came back into my life (in a friend capacity). We dated about 3.5 years ago, I was a drunken mess during that time and in that relationship. He had his own stuff going on. It was not good. He recently apologized for his actions and I for mine. It's really stirred up some feelings in me that I can't put my finger on. I think they're mostly good (relief?), but heaviness, too (regret?). I imagine this is what it's like in AA to reconnect with people you've hurt. That accepting part is painful.
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Old 04-17-2014, 05:02 PM
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So, I reached out to recruiter today and asked her if I was still being considered for the position. Her response back shortly thereafter was that I "was still in the process", whatever that means. She also put : 0 at the end of the sentence which I thought was odd. So, I probably have to wait through the weekend to hear anything because tomorrow is probably a holiday for them. Oh well.
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Old 04-17-2014, 05:04 PM
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:O was probably a mistyped smiley face?

sounds like you're still well in the running to me, bilr

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Old 04-17-2014, 07:31 PM
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Thanks for the update Billr!

Hang in there!

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Old 04-17-2014, 07:40 PM
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Now I know I'm doing the right thing trying to quit ! Our power meter was gone today, taken for nonpayment of bills we always keep up to date. Our bank accts are empty at the moment, the youngest has an eAr infection, up all night screaming and coughing. Just started new job yesterday, got called in today after having a root canal done. Were in the floor sleeping at "granny's double wide". I just really can't hold on to anything. Losing my sense of up and down I think.
STOP THE WORLD, I want to get off ! Geez. Only sober because I'm broke. Surrender time again. I'd go to the nuthouse but I already am IN one!! Haha
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Old 04-17-2014, 08:02 PM
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JL, I am praying for you, friend. One of my favorite sayings is this: Sometimes God lets you hit rock bottom so that you will discover that He is the rock at the bottom.
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Old 04-17-2014, 08:02 PM
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Whoa, JL! That's a boat-load of stuff to deal with!

Lean on us.

And, as Dory says in "Finding Nemo", just keep swimming, swimming! You're headed in the right direction!

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Old 04-17-2014, 08:05 PM
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I hope things turn around for you JL. Sounds like it's been tough recently.
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Old 04-18-2014, 12:06 AM
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JL, you are doing the right stuff. There is no way, no how the drink helps you in any comprehensible way. Stay strong brother.

Wow Dolly, thanks for sharing. You really laid out your vulnerabilities, so thanks also for trusting us. It's a privilege ( I'd like to comment further later).

This is my first time attempting to quit. At the moment, I don't think I will ever go back. Yet I am cognizant that there may come a time that my demon starts whispering. I'll cross that bridge when/if he comes calling. I'm no longer going to live in fear of unknowns...just a waste if time.

Running it through though: I'm more like Bilr. I don't yearn to drink like " normal" people. They can have 2 or 3 drinks and walk away. I never wanted that. I never saw the point in that (like decaffeinated coffee...why?). I want more than 12 drinks (beer). I want to get f@(&ed up.

No longer want that. It's that simple.

And I don't compare sobriety to those crappy drinking moments (like most had become over the past 5 years). I compare sobriety to the very best drinking moments. Like hanging out with great friends on a beautiful Saturday floating down the Itchnetucknee River, followed by grilling on the barbecue while watching a Gator football game. There is absolutely nothing beer can do to make that day any better (is how I feel now). I just finally broke the chain.

LS wondered if we will always have to stay this focused for the rest of our lifes. It can be an overwhelming thought, but it took a tremendous amount of my resources to stay drunk. That was overwhelming. I find sobriety easier.

Openly wondering: is it easier for a drinker like me (as opposed to binge drinkers, who drank, say, on weekends only) to stay quit? What I mean is, I am all or nothing. I don't have a weekly build up to the drink. So I don't have this weekly weekend reminder of what I might be missing. Does this make sense?
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Old 04-18-2014, 12:09 AM
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I was a binge drinker who became weeks on end bender drinker then an an all day every day one...so I've run the gamut .

I'm not sure it would have been any easier in real terms to stop at any of those points, Driver?

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Old 04-18-2014, 04:18 AM
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Driver, I also found it more stressful and unmanageable to continue drinking than to remain sober. Always worrying about hiding, planning, executing my drinking became too much to deal with. I find the moments that I have to focus on sobriety to be few and far between now. Unlike the daily/hourly thoughts when I was drinking.

JL, Sorry to hear about your latest setbacks. As others have said, drinking will only make it worse. I believe we are dealt adversity to make us stronger.
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Old 04-18-2014, 05:21 AM
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JL...I agree with all of the others...you've had a rough road...but keep on "trudging"....it WILL get easier....and I, too, believe that it will eventually turn itself around. I reiterate....God (or who/what ever) keeps putting the same things in front of us to deal with until we learn the lesson. So....I guess the question is always, "What's the lesson, here?" I also agree that drinking won't make anything better. Rather, it will just add yet another problem. DD...great posting. Thanks for your honesty. Yes, parents can certainly trigger a lot of emotions, self-loathing, etc. For me, there was always some set of "expectations" that I always feeling "not good enough". Thanks, Reflection for the acknowledgement....glad you can relate (I think....lol). Billr....I never know what some of those faces mean either! New ones pop up all the time! Good luck, though! Yes, it sounds as if it will be a long weekend for many. Here, it is Semana Santa (or Holy Week) and the whole country takes off and heads to the beaches (especially Thurs-Sun). Good thing we have a large backyard, cuz the beach is packed! Hubby is sleeping a lot, and complaining about a lack of energy/motivation. I keep telling him that this is "normal"...just to give it a few days....but he is not happy about it. I guess he might be feeling the familiar feeling of not liking who he is, right now. Me? I have begun the appeal letter to the President of the University. It is due by Tues., so I will be diligently working on it for the next few days....but, I gotta say....I think that I GOT THIS! I truly believe that I have a VERY strong case and plan to talk to a lawyer at the beginning of next week. Will be seeking compensatory damages, reinstatement, and punitive damages.....so there! Happy Good Friday to those who celebrate!
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Old 04-18-2014, 06:34 AM
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Driver and Bilr, it's interesting to see your perspective - as I drink my decaf coffee I think I'm on the opposite side because I was a binge drinker (though well on my way to becoming an every day drinker). I desperately want to be a "normal" drinker. Sometimes I was, and I'd only have a drink or two. However, that tricked me into thinking I really was a normal drinker, which would give me the green light to drink and then I'd drink everything I could. Fortunately, this time around in getting sober, I know with every fiber of my being that I am NOT a normal drinker and I never, NEVER will be. I do agree that it is easier to be sober than it is to be a drinker. I'm less of an all-or-nothing person, though, so I think I need to work a little harder to keep in mind that a single drink will certainly lead me down the wrong path. At least I've learned that lesson.

Trudging and Bilr, sending you both good juju for the job situations. JL, I hope things turn around for you. You're doing the right thing, and that's all anyone can ever do. Sending you good juju, too!

I saw a great quote this morning that I wanted to share with you all: You may think the grass is greener on the other side, but if you take the time to water your own grass, it will be just as green.
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Old 04-18-2014, 07:18 AM
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I like that saying, LS. It is going into my sobriety journal. I had a very strange experience yesterday. I had to get a crown and another large filling replaced. They gave me a script for Vicodin, but for a while I felt fine. Then the novacaine started wearing off and my jaw started throbbing big-time, so I took a Vicodin. Now, pain meds have never been "my kind of high." I don't like the groggy, slow feel to them. And honestly, I observed yesterday that they really don't even take the pain away. They moreso make it so you don't mind the pain. Anyway, it is the first time I have felt any kind of unnatural high since I have quit drinking and I was a bit nervous that it would trigger something in me, but luckily, it didn't. I was able to sleep through the night and I still feel annoyingly groggy, but the pain is pretty much gone, so the rest of those pills are going into the garbage. It kind of made me feel sad for my old self that I was always looking for an unnatural escape. It feels so much better to really be present and alive and fully vibrant.
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Old 04-18-2014, 07:23 AM
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Bilr, when I have made that face: :0 I mean it to represent screaming, like Oh, yikes, I am so overwhelmed with everything right now. I think one of the most frustrating things about job interviewing is that while it is our number one focus, we forget that our job situation is just one of many situations on the employer's plate. So, I think it is a good sign.
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Old 04-18-2014, 07:28 AM
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As far as which kind of drinking is harder to quit, I think it comes down to this. If you are not a healthy drinker, it is hard no matter what. People who can drink responsibly, don't have to play any mind games. They don't have to count drinks or limit drinks to certain days or times. For us, the minute we drink one drink, all bets are off.
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Old 04-18-2014, 07:38 AM
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LS - love, love, love that quote! Thank you for sharing.

I started as a binge drinker, then moved on to drinking more frequently and in larger quantities, although not every night and never at work. I fall firmly in the "high functioning alcoholic" category. I'm not sure I like that label so much. Sure, I looked like I was functioning to everyone else, but inside and at home I was doing exactly the opposite.

I think it's hard to quit no matter what - there are triggers hiding around every corner! Daily vigilance and staying connected to oneself and what's important (me, my life, my friends and family, my house, my old, loud cat, etc...) helps me.

JL - We're here for you. Hang in there. Bilr - I don't want to jump to conclusions, but that smiley seems very promising. Sending you both buckets of good thoughts.

Ok, ’tobers, I've got a date tomorrow...this one seems promising - a non-drinking pastry chef, right up my alley! It's funny, my previous first dates were always in bars, but dating a non-drinker you actually go out and do stuff - fun stuff - imagine that!
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Old 04-18-2014, 07:51 AM
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My sister was trying to be helpful the other day by mentioning that there is a whole line of non-alcoholic wine now. I just laughed. It has become so clear to me now that I like alcohol for one thing and one thing only, like Driver said, to get f*&cked up. I would never put non-alcoholic wine calories into my body, because in my mind, they are a total waste of calories.
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Old 04-18-2014, 07:55 AM
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Have a wonderful date, Reflection. I like the initial sounds of him and I like that you had some kind of closure with the other guy, as uncomfortable as that might have been.
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