EndStage

This month has been a month of ups and downs.
On the 22nd of March, I would have had 1 year of sober. That all came crashing down when I relapsed ...
I do 1 1/2 months under my belt and I know what it takes to be sober and remain. My issue now is, since my mind has been becoming clear, I am having to do another 4th/5th step. Issues have come to the surface that I did not remember in my first 4th step.
Here is the deal and I need advise from others "females" that have been where I have been.
I have been having nightmares of when I was sexually abuse, raped, molested as a child into my teenage years. Traumatic events that I did not remember and supressed are now arising. How do I actually do a 4th step on such a traumatic event such as this?

SoulSister

Are you doing the steps alone or with a sponsor?

We follow the instructions in the book and treat this like any other problem.

EndStage

I have a sponsor

Taking5

How is it that you being a victim of sexual assault even belongs in a 4th or 5th step? If your car was jacked, or your purse stolen, would that end up in your 4th/5th steps? The 4th and 5th steps are about what you did, not what happened to you or what others did to you.

UncleMeat69

The 4th. Step is about your Resentments and Fear, so that would most
definitely be related to what you perceive was done to you since it affects
your self-esteem, personal relationships, pocketbook & ambitions. Read Page 64
of the BB for further instructions. Hopefully, you have a sponsor who has worked
the Steps and knows what she is talking about.

Ask your sponsor if you should consider seeing a certified A&D Counselor during
the process to help work you through your obvious trauma.

Joe Nerv

I'm thinkin this thread might best be moved to the women's section...

While I agree with most of what you say here at SR, the line I quoted above I think is a very dangerous thing to say. I understand the fear and resentments thing, but some things go a little beyond what the bigbook says regarding that. Sorry, but IMO there is no, "What was my part", when it comes to issues mentioned here. I'm in agreement with what Taking5 said, and really do think this is an issue us guys might want to stay out of. Though since I already stuck my toe in the water...

I know many (too many) women who've been seriously abused, beaten, molested, and/or raped. I think with matters such as this it's incredibly important to either have a good therapist to work through things with, or a sponsor (or friend in AA) who's been through the same. May be a little tough finding that at first, because people don't talk very openly about this kind of thing... but trust me when I tell you that if you start opening up to people about it, you'll find that it's not all that uncommon. Sad to say, it's incredibly common. Many alcoholic men, and women have been sexually abused.

I believe if we practice a really good third step, we will be guided to whatever healing it is we need. My sponsor always told me that when I was in doubt about my 4th, it means I need to get back on my knees and start turning things over again. I need to get to a place in my third step where I'm absolutely trusting that my 4th step will unfold as it should. And that my HP was guiding my pen. Getting to that place wasn't easy for me, especially being the perfectionist that I am, but it was great practice on my 3rd step.

UncleMeat69

[QUOTE] I have to disagree with you Joe. We have been over this ground before. The first 4 columns are about the other persons part, especially 3&4. If I do not identify my hurt and how it happened how can it be addressed ? If Column 5 does not apply, all I have to do is say that it doesn't.

As far as seeking therapy, I suggested that in my post, unless you do not
recognize that Certified A&D Counselors are qualified to treat Alcoholism or Addiction and it's related issues.

If the moderator decides to move it to the women's section, no problem, but
that would be their decision, its above my pay grade.

Joe Nerv

[QUOTE=UncleMeat69;4555471] That's very different than what was said in your first post. The last part of the above being most important. If I remember correctly however, the Bigbook doesn't state that anywhere. The whole point of a 4th step is to recognize where WE were at fault. That's what a 4th and 5th step are about (6 and 7 too). The resentment chart is a good vehicle to open us up to things we might not otherwise see.

And while the 4th step is a also great tool for learning to forgive (and healing resentments), there are some issues that I believe go beyond the scope of that and the instructions in the Bigbook. Especially for someone in early sobriety.

I don't feel this stuff has a place in a 4th step inventory. My opinion. I'm interested in hearing others experience and thoughts on this though.

Regarding the columns thing, I only know of 4 columns. 4th one being the one where we look at where we had been dishonest, self seeking, and whatever else they state. I'm assuming in what I said in the start of this, that that's what you were talking about.

tomsteve

endstage, I am truly sorry to hear of what you have gone through in your life. please know there are quite a few women in recovery that have experienced similar situations. I am friends with a few. it would be wise to find one that you can talk/work with face to face through it all. whether or not this is 4th step material is not for me to say. however, the women I know that have experienced it had serious resentments and fear tied into it and writing it out and talkin with another understanding person has helped them.
prayers out to you that God puts that person in your path to help you with this.

PaperDolls

It is very common for alcoholic women (and men) to be victims of violence, sexual or otherwise. I believe it does belong on a 4th step but I believe strongly you have to tread lightly.

I think working with another woman in AA who has done a 4th and 5th step on the same issues is critical.

There are many things we have been through that will best be helped by professionals.

I'm sorry for what you've been through EndStage. You are not alone and it is possible to recover from the pain and trauma and feel happy, joyous, and free.

jdooner

I sent you a PM - I share a similar experience when I was six. I too am dealing with my 4th right now, so if you ever want to reach out PM me, I would prefer sharing details privately.

I too am in therapy and its been great. I too repressed the memories for most of my adult life and an OD triggered them.

I too am feeling free of the shackles by dealing with these issues head on - for me I was surprised at just how many times I repeated the cycle for most of my life. I am trying to break the cycle now.

UncleMeat69

I am not sure where you derive that my first post was different, unless you mean the mis-numbering (typo) of the Column Numbers which, as you say, there are only four of and I agree. However, reading from the text instruction on Page 67 (Paragraph 3):

"Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened ? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person entirely.....When we saw our faults we listed them."

The obvious conclusion to those words is if I saw no faults on my part, I would not list them - so the opposite is clearly implied.

Do you believe that Column 2 & Column 3 are alibis alcoholics use to play the victim ?

Further, I do not believe that when a newcomer or old timer starts experiencing repressed traumas, sexual or otherwise, seeking professional help is very important. (Page 133 of the BB.)

PaperDolls

The reason I believe it belongs on a 4th step is because we are asked to list our resentments. It does not specify to list only resentments I played a part in.

From my own experience, letting go of those resentments I had (fancied or real) helped me to process them, deal with them, let them go.

Tommyh

erndstage
I have something that would help you.I will send it to you if you pm me and let me know you will want it.I did it and it did the trick for me.
it is a in depth 4th step , basically
so,if you want it,just pm me and i`ll send it over
best wishes

UncleMeat69

Edit: I do believe.....

Joe Nerv

Not looking to get into an argument. UM, your first post sounded to me like you were asking, where might you have been at fault? And that there was some sort of misperception on the OPs part. I probably read into it differently than intendeed, and it kicked something up in me, as I have some people really close to me that have been raped and abused.

No doubt these things need to be looked at, and come to terms with. I don't have an answer, I'm just not so sure p. 64 is the best, first place, to start looking. I might very well be wrong. Not looking to be right. Only helpful, if I can.

UncleMeat69

I hear you Joe. I take our talks as discussions not arguments, and I gain new insights from them. Also, looking at my post I can see how it may have come across as nebulous, especially with mis-numbering the Columns.

This whole thread kicked up something in me too, as my soul mate is a survivor and I see the devastating consequences of pedophilia. Many don't survive and self-treat with alcohol/drugs leading to their self-destruction and or early death. I call it the "rape of the soul" because of what it takes away. But she is resolute in her belief that the sooner it is confronted the better as long as it is done with the right people on hand to guide and direct towards recovery.

I believe we are in agreement on much of this and I appreciate your responses. More importantly, I hope this thread is useful in aiding the OP to seek the assistance she needs to achieve recovery from her past injury as well as her future relief from alcoholism.

WMJ1012

This is the MOST important stuff in steps 4 & 5.
It must be included
WE have found a way out which is accepting spiritual help