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What Do I Do NOW?

Old 02-20-2014, 03:23 PM
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What Do I Do NOW?

so, I have been sober for a little over 5 weeks. I am off alcohol and klonapin (which I took for about 14 years (with a couple years off).

I feel lost. I am trying SO hard. But I literally feel like I am watching this person live. I feel disconnected from everything. Like literally as if I am watching my life happen. I am driving and I just start my OCD thinking of "how did I get here in Florida?" "why did I mess up all the great situations i had in the past?" "you are so fat and ugly and no man is going to ever love you again and YOU ruined every good relationship you ever had." My social / generalized anxiety is into overdrive. I literally walk through my day uneasy at the thought of walking to the restroom at work...or to my car at my apartment. I FORCE myself to do it. I FORCE myself to try to just live and be happy. But my mind is constantly gong. Constantly observing my every move. A constant negative. I feel so fat and useless. But I am FORCING myself to go to the gym and to not overeat. I feel old and ugly in the clothes that actually fit me (none of the cute clothes fit me anymore). I feel like I screwed up my entire life and have destroyed all the great friendships and relationships I have has in my life (and I HAVE had them...I just lost them all because of my behavior..lnot even all due to drinking).

I have a substance abuse therapist - he isn't all that great...but I am going. I am accountable. I am not sure about AA - my issues are way beyond alcohol. I mean if i can't walk down the hallway comfortably then I'm more concerned about that than drinking (I do not have a desire to drink...and i will not.

I went to a new psychiatrist who said I an now NOT bipolar..just "emotionally immature". Great. And will NOT give me klonapin or xanax because of my history with it.

so, what now? will this ever get better? I just want to feel peaceful. That's it. Just peaceful.

I just feel lost and empty today.

Sorry for the rambling post. I just walked in from work and started crying. Its a terrible feeling.

(btw, a coworker made a comment in reference to my weight today. I think it really made things worse._)

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Old 02-20-2014, 04:17 PM
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How we talk and internalize is critically important to how we feel about ourselves and how we function in our lives. When we over criticise ourselves, its not helpful at all. Certainly reflecting upon our day makes good sense. Being objective is worthwhile. It may seem obvious to some, but not everybody enjoys their perceived selves, and this can be a real downer for those people when its left to simply work itself out because its not usually something that just goes away. The best remedy for such a challenge is to intervene on ourselves for ourselves. Being introspective with a purpose to free ourselves from criticism of ourselves is no small matter, and yet is always worth the doing of so as to enjoy our lives all the more no matter our circumstances.

When we observe ourselves, we do best to admit that a sliding scale is more reflective of reality then is a black or white judgement. With this well in mind, we can have a better purpose within ourselves to appreciate our challenges, and in this way we become more compassionate.

You have a lot on your plate, Nicole. Even so, you have sobriety and you have a willingness to have a better life through sobriety and change. It may seem too simple, but I think if your asking what to do now, I'm suggesting you take some reflective time to re-state your progress and success in a manner that can support your continuing efforts. Doing this as a matter of course as often as you can each day will really allow you to become more comfortable in your own skin. We all want to feel better about ourselves, and its important we can start today with what we got to start feeling better - we don't have to wait until we change this an that - we really can work with what we got today.

I hope this makes sense to you, Nicole. I was such a dysfunctional person back when I was just getting sober. I had physical challenges, mental health challenges, I was in poverty, and I was terrified of failure and even more terrified I could never be lovable to anyone.

I discovered I was misinformed, lol. Just by changing how and what I internalised made a real difference and this difference I quickly learned to maximise my success with becoming a person who made a difference in their own life. You can too!

It may seem simplistic, but it really is important how we "talk" to ourselves. Give yourself a break. Take it easy, Nicole. Congrats on your early success in sobriety! More to come, I'm sure.
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Old 02-20-2014, 04:31 PM
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Hey Nicole.

I have about 5 or 6 weeks sober now too. I just went to my first SMART meeting the other day and it was really really great (I am secular, and AA doesn't jive with me, and I was really nervous about other recovery groups).

SMART is based on cognitive behavioural therapy, and although it's secular, you can still attend if you believe in a higher power. It's like a workshop on how to cope with your thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

I also struggle with feeling disconnected with myself and the world, and am trying to practice mindfulness techniques. I realize that my alcohol use was a symptom of a bigger problem - my mental health issues.

That's really awful that your co-worker commented on your weight. I'm sorry that you went through that. I gained a lot of weight from both medication and alcohol use. I think it's starting to come off now that I'm abstaining though.

Hang in there, Nicole. Things may not feel great right now, but hitting the bottle definitely won't help.
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Old 02-20-2014, 07:27 PM
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Thank you RobbyRobot and Darknesswithin. Both of your posts really helped. And I went for a 5-mile walk with a friend...and somehow the act of moving shuts down my thoughts in a positive way. I'm feelingbetter.

I think for now, I'm going to need a couple hours a day of exercise in addition to everything else. I sure know it can only help all around anyhow.

Thanks again....

- Nicole
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Old 02-20-2014, 07:30 PM
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I just wanted to let you know I read, I relate, and I feel for you! I can totally get into that headspace, so I don't have much advise for how to get out of it, but the others have said some really great things. I hope you can give yourself a break. You sound like you have TONS going for you! You are working. You are sober. You are seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist. You are eating healthy. You are exercising. You are awesome! The fact that you don't want to be doing those things all the time, but you do them anyway is a testament to how strong and how determined you are!

I am impressed and inspired, as you are accomplishing things I am not right now.
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Old 02-20-2014, 07:40 PM
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Since you are doing AA -- they do have you covered. Really.

Check out How It Works . . . Intro to Chapter 5.

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt5.pdf

===============

How it works

RARELY HAVE we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

===============

You are covered.

Right now, you are right where you need to be.

How often does that happen?

Just keep being Open and Honest, and let the Program do what it does best.
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Old 02-20-2014, 10:24 PM
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Alcohol and drugs along with pills are just a sympton of a greater problem. Everything from Heroin, Cocaine, Meth, Sleepers, Booze, OTC pills, prescription pills, Gambling, Sex, Working Out all the time, always working at your job. It all boils down to our thought pattern, the way we think. So something like Heroin you crash and burn quickly, where as sleepers and the lesser problems take decades and its a gradual decline. This is fundamental to know and understand.
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Old 02-28-2014, 10:14 AM
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I usually don't come to this area but your post touched me!

I understand the struggle and congratulate you on the fight. Great job!

It's difficult but takes time-ugh! Keep forcing yourself to do things; exercise like you wrote about; and immerse....yes immerse yourself with positive things.

Positive things:

1. Music (calming, happy music)
2. TV/Movies: upbeat; comedies
3. Nature (anything that you can do local)
4. Books/Magazines: motivational; spiritual
5. Animals (yours; volunteer; neighbors)
6. Get rest; eat healthy; exercise
7. Do not quit the things that you feel anxious about. It makes anxiety worse over time.
(take baby steps to confront your fears).....
8. Art (clay; painting; coloring book)
9. Guided visualization or meditation (look and search youtube.com-they have a ton)

I wish you the best....talk kindly to yourself.
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