self injury
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 557
self injury
I really hate that name - self injury. It sounds so crazy and yet clinical.
It doesn't sound like what it is at all. But whatever. It is what it is. I cut myself because it makes me feel better. It's crazy. It was my first conscious effort at controlling my emotions. Eventually I started drinking, too. And when I got sober six years ago, I decided to stop cutting as well. But a couple of months ago, I went on sort of a cutting "binge" for about a week. And now I just can't shake the obsessive thoughts of cutting. I dream about it. I wake up in the morning thinking about it. I was at the store the other day and sort of inwardly panicked because they don't seem to carry my razors any more. So even though I'm not cutting, I'm thinking about it all the time. It's very frustrating, and making it hard to live my life. Hopefully getting this out there helps. Thanks for "listening. "
It doesn't sound like what it is at all. But whatever. It is what it is. I cut myself because it makes me feel better. It's crazy. It was my first conscious effort at controlling my emotions. Eventually I started drinking, too. And when I got sober six years ago, I decided to stop cutting as well. But a couple of months ago, I went on sort of a cutting "binge" for about a week. And now I just can't shake the obsessive thoughts of cutting. I dream about it. I wake up in the morning thinking about it. I was at the store the other day and sort of inwardly panicked because they don't seem to carry my razors any more. So even though I'm not cutting, I'm thinking about it all the time. It's very frustrating, and making it hard to live my life. Hopefully getting this out there helps. Thanks for "listening. "
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I don't know anything about cutting gal - but I know you'll find support from others here.
There's also another board that Admin here recommends:
bus • Index page
D
There's also another board that Admin here recommends:
bus • Index page
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Here, EH!!!
Posts: 1,337
Yeah, this whole cutting thing sounds very serious. I remember listening into Doctor Drew's radio show on the radio when I was sleeping in my van many moons ago, and people would call in with those kinds of questions and more. And he always brought that kind of self hurt down to serious childhood trauma. Whether you are repressing it or not. Do you cut yourself in the face where everyone can see? Or do you cut yourself where it can be hidden?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I don't think there's always a link to childhood trauma Matt - any more than there's always a link to childhood trauma and alcoholism.
I think there's better places to do research than from the Dr Drew show, too -
just sayin....
D
I think there's better places to do research than from the Dr Drew show, too -
just sayin....
D
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Here is a link to a Very Basic, self-loading Power Point.
Let me know if it does not work, and we can try another format.
http://www.reslife.net/assets/docs/self_injury.ppt
If you/anyone would like, we can do a much deeper discussion of the topic. Just do not want to mess your thread without your direction.
Best to you.
Let me know if it does not work, and we can try another format.
http://www.reslife.net/assets/docs/self_injury.ppt
If you/anyone would like, we can do a much deeper discussion of the topic. Just do not want to mess your thread without your direction.
Best to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 557
Originally Posted by zanzibar 
Hope to see you there Gal! 
One of the other reasons I stopped going there was that it seemed a lot of people didn't want to stop, they just wanted to talk about it and sympathy. It was very triggering for me. I guess I also feel a little old now, and it seemed like everyone was very young. But I'll check it out again. I relate very well to alcoholics, but this isn't something you talk about in an AA meeting, and my sponsor is supportive but doesn't get it. Everyone thinks if I'm not drinking, I'm ok. And that's not really true.
Originally Posted by matt4x4
Yeah, this whole cutting thing sounds very serious. I remember listening into Doctor Drew's radio show on the radio when I was sleeping in my van many moons ago, and people would call in with those kinds of questions and more. And he always brought that kind of self hurt down to serious childhood trauma. Whether you are repressing it or not. Do you cut yourself in the face where everyone can see? Or do you cut yourself where it can be hidden?
No serious trauma, just the same selfishness and self-pitying nature that led me to drinking
. If I remember right, you're in AA, and so am I. I really feel it's a spiritual malady, just like alcoholism. But for some reason it's been harder for me to give to God than alcohol. I realized recently that I still have "reservations" about cutting that I don't have about alcohol. Maybe that's because of how destructive alcohol is. I know I can't drink anymore. It will ruin my life and the lives of my husband and children. But cutting is a different story. It doesn't impair me in any way other than emotionally. So I guess sometimes it's harder for me to see a need to abstain.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 557
Originally Posted by Hammer
Here is a link to a Very Basic, self-loading Power Point.
Let me know if it does not work, and we can try another format.
http://www.reslife.net/assets/docs/self_injury.ppt
If you/anyone would like, we can do a much deeper discussion of the topic. Just do not want to mess your thread without your direction.
Best to you.
Let me know if it does not work, and we can try another format.
http://www.reslife.net/assets/docs/self_injury.ppt
If you/anyone would like, we can do a much deeper discussion of the topic. Just do not want to mess your thread without your direction.
Best to you.
It seems like a no-brainer, and I should probably just do it. But I've tried it before and was never very successful at it. Excuses I guess.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
From our perceived failures we can still discover a measure of success in as much as we become more aware of what isn't working well enough to satisfy our original quest into therapy. I've fellowshipped with cutters in therapy and recovery, and they usually have a unique sensitivity of awareness to their emotional angst and mental frustrations. I wonder if you would agree you have a different perspective as a cutter? If you do agree, does this perhaps create distance for you in fellowships? If you don't agree, does this perhaps enable others to under-estimate your depth of pain?
I hope I'm not being intrusive. I respect your privacy.
I hope I'm not being intrusive. I respect your privacy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 557
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
From our perceived failures we can still discover a measure of success in as much as we become more aware of what isn't working well enough to satisfy our original quest into therapy. I've fellowshipped with cutters in therapy and recovery, and they usually have a unique sensitivity of awareness to their emotional angst and mental frustrations. I wonder if you would agree you have a different perspective as a cutter? If you do agree, does this perhaps create distance for you in fellowships? If you don't agree, does this perhaps enable others to under-estimate your depth of pain?
I hope I'm not being intrusive. I respect your privacy.
I hope I'm not being intrusive. I respect your privacy.
I do tend to be very introspective, probably too much, lol! I guess it's hard to compare myself to other people, because I don't live in their heads. And I have never spoken with another cutter in real life, only postings online, and I was much younger then. Age tends to change the way we view things. So my only experience with any sort of recovery is AA. Therapy was always a disaster. My instincts for self-preservation I guess are really strong, and I have a hard time being honest in person. I project what I think people want from me. So I was always trying to figure out what the "right answer" was for my therapists. One actually sent me away and told me I was too cheerful. My mentor (for lack of a better word - he's been like a dad to me; my pastor and fellow alcoholic) had me reading the Big Book and doing the steps when I was 19, solely for my cutting. I hadn't started drinking yet. But it's hard to do the steps without some sort of fellowship, and I quit after 4.
As to emotional intelligence and awareness, I don't know. It kind of seems the opposite to me from what you have mentioned. Over time, I have gained a deeper understanding of my emotions. But when I started cutting, I honestly didn't think I felt fear or anger or shame or self-pity or guilt. I felt nothing. Or I felt something but didn't understand it. Cutting gave me something to understand. It sort of makes emotional pain physical; quantifies it I guess, and maybe makes it more accessible. Of course, that's a lie - it really only displaces it. But that's why I started doing it. And then, I guess it sort of became learned behavior, almost instinctual. And then there is a sort of feeling of "release"; a moment after the initial physical pain when your endorphins kick in and it disappears. That's sort of the "high", but it only lasts a couple of seconds.
I think I do have a lot of mental angst, but like I said, I don't know if it's more than normal people. I'm just starting to realize that I should be able to have some measure of control over my thoughts; just need to learn how to I guess. I posted also in the suicide ideation thread about that. For instance, I really shouldn't even be on here right now; I'm at work. So I need to just focus on work, but I can't get away from my obsessive thinking, which is probably made worse by the fact that I'm always on here, lol!
I also often get confused about what the right thought or course of action is because I can "play the tape" for multiple scenarios. Something I know is completely insane one day seems totally sane the next because I can rationalize. I also second guess every single feeling and thought I have, because I have learned not to trust them. So that can be very confusing and lead to angst. And that all makes me want to get out of my head and drink or cut. Cutting is the least objectionable, so I think that's why I still obsess about it.Sometimes AA can be hard, because I know the program, and I'm staying sober. But sometimes that's not enough for me. And I totally agree with you about confining discussion to alcohol, so it's difficult to find a way to work in the other stuff sometimes. I also feel a bit of a hypocrite sometimes; like I'm projecting a persona that is confident in sobriety when I'm actually struggling with a compulsion. When I "relapsed" on cutting, I started going back to daily meetings, and my sponsor and I are going to do the steps again. I actually was conflicted about whether to reset my sobriety date; the two were so linked in my mind. My sponsor convince me not to, but she doesn't understand that cutting triggered that mental obsession to drink again. So then I spent the next two months with a daily struggle to not drink (because cutting definitely doesn't "work" as well as drinking!). A good enough reason not to do it again, I suppose!
So essentially, I guess I'm still just seeking a physical solution to a spiritual problem.
I don't know if that answered your questions! I don't know if that's too graphic, sorry if it is or if I'm breaking forum rules.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 557
Another thought.
I guess the divide for me with regards to AA lies in that when an alcoholic stops drinking and works the steps, he starts to feel better. Anxiety and depression and hopelessness that came from drinking drifts away over time. But I started drinking because of all that, so it doesn't go away. But that's not confined to those who self-injure, that would be anyone with a mental illness. I met my husband in AA, and he is classic AA. He partied hard in his youth, then continued to drink and party to cover the guilt. Now that he is sober, he doesn't understand my continued struggles. In his words, he thought we were "over that." He calls my thought processes "mental masturbation". He's probably right.
I have a similar struggle with AVRT. I looked into it after joining this site because I had never heard of it before. I am a very linear thinker in some respects, so it seems perfect because it is all about absolutes. But I cannot disassociate from my thought processes the way AVRT requires. I cannot separate some thoughts and say, "that's not me, that's _____". I realize it's only a metaphor, but it seems a bit undermining to me to demonize a part of myself (which is super ironic because I often experience feelings of worthlessness anyway, so what's the difference really?). It would also be difficult to establish which thoughts are "me" and which are "AV" when I'm applying it to more than an action like drinking or cutting.
If my thought process itself is addictive, where do I go from there?
I guess the divide for me with regards to AA lies in that when an alcoholic stops drinking and works the steps, he starts to feel better. Anxiety and depression and hopelessness that came from drinking drifts away over time. But I started drinking because of all that, so it doesn't go away. But that's not confined to those who self-injure, that would be anyone with a mental illness. I met my husband in AA, and he is classic AA. He partied hard in his youth, then continued to drink and party to cover the guilt. Now that he is sober, he doesn't understand my continued struggles. In his words, he thought we were "over that." He calls my thought processes "mental masturbation". He's probably right
. I have a similar struggle with AVRT. I looked into it after joining this site because I had never heard of it before. I am a very linear thinker in some respects, so it seems perfect because it is all about absolutes. But I cannot disassociate from my thought processes the way AVRT requires. I cannot separate some thoughts and say, "that's not me, that's _____". I realize it's only a metaphor, but it seems a bit undermining to me to demonize a part of myself (which is super ironic because I often experience feelings of worthlessness anyway, so what's the difference really?). It would also be difficult to establish which thoughts are "me" and which are "AV" when I'm applying it to more than an action like drinking or cutting.
If my thought process itself is addictive, where do I go from there?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by Gal220
Lol, I have a different secret identity there! But one of the reasons I stopped posting was because I used my email address as my user ID, and I signed my name sometimes. So if anyone searched for my email address, it would pop up. Still will, but I guess I hope no one will or that they would see it was a long time ago. When you're a kid, you don't think about those things! I sure didn't think I'd be using the same email address I created when I was 16!
One of the other reasons I stopped going there was that it seemed a lot of people didn't want to stop, they just wanted to talk about it and sympathy. It was very triggering for me. I guess I also feel a little old now, and it seemed like everyone was very young.
But there are a number of older members as well. It also takes members who are a bit older to pass on their experience and triumphs to let others know it doesn't have to last forever. While continually working on ourselves.
But in the end it's entirely up to you. Or maybe talk a bit with Hammer. I've read his posts and it appears he knows a lot about what he's talking about.
I'm presuming Hammer is a he based only on his references to Mrs. Hammer. Which by no means makes that a fact!
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Gal, you have great insight into your dynamics. This can be a real resource for you along with a therapist who can follow your lead and give you support in finding your own compass. I would think a therapy which dictates and pre-defines you, which simplifies you would be less helpful. More of one that offers a journey of self-discovery and fulfillment, one that has you on the edge of your seat involved with your real-time challenges while in an actual therapy session would really be helpful. I suggest googling Gestalt therapy and check it out. This therapy really helped me discover myself in plenty of aha! discoveries of what was blocking me off, and as well as how to best get all my ducks in a row. Its a full experiential kind of therapy, meaning the session is wholly in real-life experience, and not just a re-hash of what is the best normal. The therapist and the client work together in real-time as co-contributors to the session. Give it a look. Its ideal for those who really don't prefer being analysed but would rather just get on with the healing.
I think alcoholism is itself enough of a challenge to keep one busy and progressive within AA proper. Like I said in other threads, some of my best "meetings" were entirely after the proper meeting. In fact, many of us would meet just to talk about ourselves relative to our personal challenges. I hear you when you say you haven't talked with another cutter f2f. This is not essential, though I would think it helpful. Online may be a working alternative, yet much is lost emotionally on a computer screen of text. I know such f2f meetings exist for persons who self-harm, not sure if this is in your area, or if even helpful to you to participate. Talking with our peers is another resource which can be very valuable in the right circumstances.
I think that choices that seem weird one time and then rational the next time you think about it is really indicative that your not one who settles for same old same old. This can be a powerful tool for realising your options, and yet can also be a source of deep anxiety when making a choosing of the best choice becomes a unfinished and unfulfilled process. Satisfaction in ourselves is an important experience for our well-being and healthy self-esteem. Here again therapy can explore how you being in charge is enough in itself to give you enough confidence to have surety in your choices. I used to be so afraid I couldn't even leave my room for days on end. I kid you not. I was really fearful of which scenario was actually going to play out. My projections were quite detailed and comprehensive. These projections really shot my anxiety through the roof. I'm much more comfortable with myself nowadays and I thank therapy, and working with my peers in open discussions shared between us.
I hope I have brightened your interest in being excited about a return to therapy even if its not Gestalt therapy. This has been a great discussion Gal. Thanks for that.
You rock!
I think alcoholism is itself enough of a challenge to keep one busy and progressive within AA proper. Like I said in other threads, some of my best "meetings" were entirely after the proper meeting. In fact, many of us would meet just to talk about ourselves relative to our personal challenges. I hear you when you say you haven't talked with another cutter f2f. This is not essential, though I would think it helpful. Online may be a working alternative, yet much is lost emotionally on a computer screen of text. I know such f2f meetings exist for persons who self-harm, not sure if this is in your area, or if even helpful to you to participate. Talking with our peers is another resource which can be very valuable in the right circumstances.
I think that choices that seem weird one time and then rational the next time you think about it is really indicative that your not one who settles for same old same old. This can be a powerful tool for realising your options, and yet can also be a source of deep anxiety when making a choosing of the best choice becomes a unfinished and unfulfilled process. Satisfaction in ourselves is an important experience for our well-being and healthy self-esteem. Here again therapy can explore how you being in charge is enough in itself to give you enough confidence to have surety in your choices. I used to be so afraid I couldn't even leave my room for days on end. I kid you not. I was really fearful of which scenario was actually going to play out. My projections were quite detailed and comprehensive. These projections really shot my anxiety through the roof. I'm much more comfortable with myself nowadays and I thank therapy, and working with my peers in open discussions shared between us.
I hope I have brightened your interest in being excited about a return to therapy even if its not Gestalt therapy. This has been a great discussion Gal. Thanks for that.
You rock!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 557
Originally Posted by Hammer
Here is a link to a Very Basic, self-loading Power Point.
Let me know if it does not work, and we can try another format.
http://www.reslife.net/assets/docs/self_injury.ppt
If you/anyone would like, we can do a much deeper discussion of the topic. Just do not want to mess your thread without your direction.
Best to you.
Let me know if it does not work, and we can try another format.
http://www.reslife.net/assets/docs/self_injury.ppt
If you/anyone would like, we can do a much deeper discussion of the topic. Just do not want to mess your thread without your direction.
Best to you.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Gal, sounds like you and I have a lot in common.
Your explanation of why the 12 steps have helped more than therapy is my story as well. I think I always had a level of wanting to impress the therapist, have myself figured out before I went in, say the right things, be able to tell them I was doing or feeling the right things. In the 12 steps I could be honest, there was no one to impress.
I think cutting is more like anorexia (which I have also dealt with and I think has a lot in common with addiction) than like alcoholism. It's an inside job instead of bringing something in from the outside.
I have not cut in two years, pretty much the same as my last use of alcohol (but I was not and pretty much was never drunk when I cut). Because, like you, there is a relationship...and if I start slipping in one area of recovery, I feel myself slipping in all.
I have used the 12 steps to address my cutting. I have found other 12 step versions (wording) and methods that I have found more sucessfuly addressed the cutting (and anorexia) than the AA/NA 12 steps. Process addiction IS addiction, but it has it's own slant on things as well.
I didn't cut for attention either. I hid it. I did it for release, relief and to give my pain a concrete manifestation. Well, you know.
As far as forums go, again, like anorexia, it's important to only be involved in ones that are 100% recovery based, because lots of cutters (an anorexics) do NOT want to stop. They get together to share stories and tips on cutting and how not to get caught etc. In a nanosecond they go from supporting recovery to supporting the behavior itself. Any online group or support group has to be incredibly strict about that.
I found it was very important for me to find those alternate 12 steps to address my process behaviors. Many substance abusers say "an addiction is an addiction is an addiction" , and there is a lot of truth to that. But there are aspects of process addiction that are different, and some of the "suggestions" given in substance abuse groups can be counter effective. That has been my experience anyway.
Sometimes when I felt there was a difference I got the "quit yer whining, you're just trying to set yourself apart, you're just an addict like the rest of us. Get rid of you're ego and give me 20 push ups"
It can be very difficult for people who constantly sought relief from their pain, or to get drunk or high to feel good, to understand doing something that was painful or restrictive (like anorexia).
There is a fundamental difference in "I had a bad day, I'm going to go home and get wasted, I deserve this relief" and "I can't deal, I'm going to starve myself and cut myself." Even though I participated in both, and inside myself they were fundamentally different.
I also got flack from many 12 steppers who are in substance abuse programs saying I could never get sober on the watered down, feel good, p*ssy version of the steps I was using for my process addictions. To them, that is how they appeared. But it was those versions of the steps, and my being able to identify with the groups and people that developed them that helped me address my process addictions. I needed both programs. Both approaches, both sets of truths.
Your explanation of why the 12 steps have helped more than therapy is my story as well. I think I always had a level of wanting to impress the therapist, have myself figured out before I went in, say the right things, be able to tell them I was doing or feeling the right things. In the 12 steps I could be honest, there was no one to impress.
I think cutting is more like anorexia (which I have also dealt with and I think has a lot in common with addiction) than like alcoholism. It's an inside job instead of bringing something in from the outside.
I have not cut in two years, pretty much the same as my last use of alcohol (but I was not and pretty much was never drunk when I cut). Because, like you, there is a relationship...and if I start slipping in one area of recovery, I feel myself slipping in all.
I have used the 12 steps to address my cutting. I have found other 12 step versions (wording) and methods that I have found more sucessfuly addressed the cutting (and anorexia) than the AA/NA 12 steps. Process addiction IS addiction, but it has it's own slant on things as well.
I didn't cut for attention either. I hid it. I did it for release, relief and to give my pain a concrete manifestation. Well, you know.
As far as forums go, again, like anorexia, it's important to only be involved in ones that are 100% recovery based, because lots of cutters (an anorexics) do NOT want to stop. They get together to share stories and tips on cutting and how not to get caught etc. In a nanosecond they go from supporting recovery to supporting the behavior itself. Any online group or support group has to be incredibly strict about that.
I found it was very important for me to find those alternate 12 steps to address my process behaviors. Many substance abusers say "an addiction is an addiction is an addiction" , and there is a lot of truth to that. But there are aspects of process addiction that are different, and some of the "suggestions" given in substance abuse groups can be counter effective. That has been my experience anyway.
Sometimes when I felt there was a difference I got the "quit yer whining, you're just trying to set yourself apart, you're just an addict like the rest of us. Get rid of you're ego and give me 20 push ups"
It can be very difficult for people who constantly sought relief from their pain, or to get drunk or high to feel good, to understand doing something that was painful or restrictive (like anorexia).
There is a fundamental difference in "I had a bad day, I'm going to go home and get wasted, I deserve this relief" and "I can't deal, I'm going to starve myself and cut myself." Even though I participated in both, and inside myself they were fundamentally different.
I also got flack from many 12 steppers who are in substance abuse programs saying I could never get sober on the watered down, feel good, p*ssy version of the steps I was using for my process addictions. To them, that is how they appeared. But it was those versions of the steps, and my being able to identify with the groups and people that developed them that helped me address my process addictions. I needed both programs. Both approaches, both sets of truths.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 557
Wow, I can relate to everything you've talked about here!
I have looked for 12 step groups where I live for self-injury, but there aren't any. It would be great if I could sit face to face with people who have been through the same thing. I have never shared about my struggles with cutting or with food in AA, so I don't know what people would say about it. I think I have pretty much decided to give therapy another shot. I just have to work up the nerve to actually do it. Like RobbyRobot was saying, I don't want to sit around and talk about my feelings or my childhood. I want to get better - not that I necessarily know what I need, lol! Most of all, I just really want to be well for my children. Life is hard enough without a crazy mother.
And you're right about forums about SI being triggering. BUS is really a great one; they don't allow comparisons of methods and stuff. But the "vibe" of the site is one that doesn't seem to encourage quitting. No one ever told me, "You should stop." I got a lot of compassion, but it was always sort of like, "You'll quit when you're ready." I really believe that if I'm in active addiction, I can't be thinking clearly to get well. But I went back yesterday and I'll lurk for a while and see if it helps. In some ways, it seems counterproductive for me to think "more" about cutting when I'm trying to stop thinking about it. But posting here helps me with my recovery from alcoholism, so maybe posting about cutting will help. That's sort of why I figured I'd start this thread and kind of get my thoughts out there. I didn't know so many people would respond or relate. I have never met anyone in real life who does this.
I never considered that the different wording of the 12-steps would make a difference, so I'll have to check that out. I just figured, steps are steps. You know, stop the behavior, trust my hp, clean house, help others. But a new perspective might just be what I need.
I'm actually beginning to wonder if I'm not so much addicted to the behavior any more, but what I "think" the behavior will do for me. So maybe I'm more addicted to the thought process, idealizing it, sort of like the suicide ideation idea you talked about. When I did engage in SI a few months ago, it did not "work". I felt like I was chasing something that no longer existed for me. And yet I still fantasize about it. It's crazy.
I have looked for 12 step groups where I live for self-injury, but there aren't any. It would be great if I could sit face to face with people who have been through the same thing. I have never shared about my struggles with cutting or with food in AA, so I don't know what people would say about it. I think I have pretty much decided to give therapy another shot. I just have to work up the nerve to actually do it. Like RobbyRobot was saying, I don't want to sit around and talk about my feelings or my childhood. I want to get better - not that I necessarily know what I need, lol! Most of all, I just really want to be well for my children. Life is hard enough without a crazy mother.
And you're right about forums about SI being triggering. BUS is really a great one; they don't allow comparisons of methods and stuff. But the "vibe" of the site is one that doesn't seem to encourage quitting. No one ever told me, "You should stop." I got a lot of compassion, but it was always sort of like, "You'll quit when you're ready." I really believe that if I'm in active addiction, I can't be thinking clearly to get well. But I went back yesterday and I'll lurk for a while and see if it helps. In some ways, it seems counterproductive for me to think "more" about cutting when I'm trying to stop thinking about it. But posting here helps me with my recovery from alcoholism, so maybe posting about cutting will help. That's sort of why I figured I'd start this thread and kind of get my thoughts out there. I didn't know so many people would respond or relate. I have never met anyone in real life who does this.
I never considered that the different wording of the 12-steps would make a difference, so I'll have to check that out. I just figured, steps are steps. You know, stop the behavior, trust my hp, clean house, help others. But a new perspective might just be what I need.
I'm actually beginning to wonder if I'm not so much addicted to the behavior any more, but what I "think" the behavior will do for me. So maybe I'm more addicted to the thought process, idealizing it, sort of like the suicide ideation idea you talked about. When I did engage in SI a few months ago, it did not "work". I felt like I was chasing something that no longer existed for me. And yet I still fantasize about it. It's crazy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 557
Originally Posted by RobbyRobot
I suggest googling Gestalt therapy and check it out. This therapy really helped me discover myself in plenty of aha! discoveries of what was blocking me off, and as well as how to best get all my ducks in a row. Its a full experiential kind of therapy, meaning the session is wholly in real-life experience, and not just a re-hash of what is the best normal. The therapist and the client work together in real-time as co-contributors to the session. Give it a look. Its ideal for those who really don't prefer being analysed but would rather just get on with the healing. . .
I think that choices that seem weird one time and then rational the next time you think about it is really indicative that your not one who settles for same old same old. This can be a powerful tool for realising your options, and yet can also be a source of deep anxiety when making a choosing of the best choice becomes a unfinished and unfulfilled process. Satisfaction in ourselves is an important experience for our well-being and healthy self-esteem. Here again therapy can explore how you being in charge is enough in itself to give you enough confidence to have surety in your choices. I used to be so afraid I couldn't even leave my room for days on end. I kid you not. I was really fearful of which scenario was actually going to play out. My projections were quite detailed and comprehensive. These projections really shot my anxiety through the roof. I'm much more comfortable with myself nowadays and I thank therapy, and working with my peers in open discussions shared between us.!
I think that choices that seem weird one time and then rational the next time you think about it is really indicative that your not one who settles for same old same old. This can be a powerful tool for realising your options, and yet can also be a source of deep anxiety when making a choosing of the best choice becomes a unfinished and unfulfilled process. Satisfaction in ourselves is an important experience for our well-being and healthy self-esteem. Here again therapy can explore how you being in charge is enough in itself to give you enough confidence to have surety in your choices. I used to be so afraid I couldn't even leave my room for days on end. I kid you not. I was really fearful of which scenario was actually going to play out. My projections were quite detailed and comprehensive. These projections really shot my anxiety through the roof. I'm much more comfortable with myself nowadays and I thank therapy, and working with my peers in open discussions shared between us.!
I guess in all honesty I am excited about the prospect of therapy, but afraid of being disappointed. And of course, if I give it an honest effort and fail, then I'm in worse shape than before.
And your description of the paralyzing anxiety that comes from ambivalent thought processes is spot on! I can't believe that made sense to someone else!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
