Sophiedog

I was okay for a few years. Now I'm ruining my life again.. I quit my job my marriage is on the rocks .I don't know what to do. I want to run away and I want to be healed ... booze is making all of this worse. No meds on board........

Dee74

Hi Sophie - is the no meds because you don't agree with them or is it a financial decision?

D

Threshold

Big hugs. I live with dissociative disorder as well.

What's going on? Let's see if we can help you figure out the next step.

Sophiedog

Hi thank you. No meds none of them ever worked very well. I guess I stressed myself at the end of last year. I was working nights alone manning a control room for the local water dept. Something went wrong after not sleeping well for a handful of days and I switched alters on the job and just walked out. Of course I feel terrible shame around it and ended up picking up drinking again. I know better but I just can't stand my thoughts so I have been drinking to get away from them. I'm sober right now but don't trust myself.

caboblanco

did you get more then one opinion on the dissociative disorder?

Sophiedog

Hi Caboblanco. Yes I did. Why do you ask? We're you?

Threshold

I am glad you are sober now. Drinking NEVER helps this sort of thing.

The anxiety and confusion that the switches lead to can be really difficult to tolerate and navigate. I understand.

Are you in a recovery program? Are there any strategies you use to stay grounded when this happens.

When you say you don't trust yourself, you mean trust yourself as to not drinking?

I know I'm asking a lot of questions, and I don't mean to be rapid firing them at you, I really am seeking to understand how things are for you.

Posting here is better than drinking. I know now sleeping really messes me up as well. Has the dr been able to help with that?

There are at least a few of us here with dissociative disorder, so you are not alone. I've been sober almost two years.

caboblanco

I was not diagnosed that but I know of this disorder and it is an interesting diagnosis.. I guess I just have this distrust for shrinks...nothing to do with you lol

Sophiedog

Congrats on your sobriety. I went close to three years a while back. I have gone to AA many times including the end of the year after picking up again.I enjoy the people but I always feel so ashamed in the meetings. Shame seems to be my biggest stumbling block. Something that I desperately wish to have less of. As for the sleep issue, I sleep better now that I'm not working nights.
For some reason I could not get any measurable rest during that year. My husband didn't help much. I always still had to do all the basics as well.
I have just started seeing a Dr. again.
Yes the trust thing is around drinking. Even when I don't drink my hubby assumes I have been so now I can't leave to go to a meeting without a peering eye on me. How sucky is that? We aren't even speaking today. He chewed me out yesterday and said he didn't believe anything I had to say anymore so,I won't speak.This AM he did ask if we were going to not speak, I reminded him of what he said and left it at that. Ugh
Thanks for listening

Sophiedog

Caboblanco thanks for clarifying. lol

Threshold

hugs sophie. sounds super stressful.

I've gotten to a point in life where I just know I can't work nights. Period. No use kidding myself, because if I do it, I don't sleep and I end up nuts and am no use to anyone. I had to swallow a lot of pride to get there, but accepting reality helps me deal.

Trying to swim against the tide of reality almost killed me, literally.

Relationship issues can be so exhausting too. One more thing to deal with when we are trying to pull things together. I know it's hard on partners too, who have seen us try, fail, sneak etc...I think that is why it is so important to me to have this recovery community. Because I have people who are supporting me without the baggage of having had to deal with the crap of my addiction, the harm and hurt and damage I did.

I need that. I need a place I can take it, and be honest.

My marriage ended a few years ago. It was like a huge head ache, panic attack and horrible job the last two years we were together. No support, only suspicion. It felt so oppressive.

Friends, and this recovery community are what really got me through. Helped me keep my sights on reality, the big picture, and all the possibilities. My life felt so small. I was in a cage of fear and doubt. I thought there was only one way and if I failed at it there was no hope for me. Turns out I was wrong.

Happy to listen any time. Sometimes just getting it out where we can see it, hear ourselves etc, gives us some much needed perspective.