Faultless resentments from childhood?
Better when never is never
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Faultless resentments from childhood?
I am working through step 4. I know we are supposed to identify where we are at fault along with every resentment. However, there is one resentment extending from childhood. Is it possible to have a faultless resentment? I just can't see or accept "being a child" as a shortcoming that can be removed. Opinions?
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
I couldn't find my part until I had a discussion with my sponsor.....
Yes, sometimes a victim is just a victim of circumstances......
We can find our patterns of behaving, though. And where our fears are. And some other stuff.
Yes, sometimes a victim is just a victim of circumstances......
We can find our patterns of behaving, though. And where our fears are. And some other stuff.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 557
Sometimes we are not at fault. We can't control what others do to us. All we can do is control our reactions. If what happened to us as children is ruining our lives, then there are things in my own thought processes and behaviors that I need to work on. I know many people in AA with absolute horrors in their pasts, things I have no idea how they even survived in the first place. Eventually they come to be able to forgive - for themselves, not necessarily the other person - or if not forgive, accept and let go so that it doesn't destroy them. Sometimes they do that through AA, sometimes more help with therapy is necessary.
I would suggest just getting it all out, then sifting through it with your sponsor. Good luck!
I would suggest just getting it all out, then sifting through it with your sponsor. Good luck!
Better when never is never
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
Originally Posted by Gal220 
Sometimes we are not at fault. We can't control what others do to us. All we can do is control our reactions. If what happened to us as children is ruining our lives, then there are things in my own thought processes and behaviors that I need to work on...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Laconia
Posts: 813
Before we start identifying where we were at fault we do the column's on page 65 of the BB in the order they are laid out:
Column 1 = I'm resentful at.....
then we do,
Column 2 = The Cause....
then we do,
Column 3 = Affects my.....
There are important reasons Step 4 was laid out this way. First reason is
that most alky's are full of guilt and shame at first and can easily start
taking more blame on themselves than they need to. So by looking at others,
the alky gets a truer picture of the "exact nature of his wrongs."
That leads to the second reason - when you get to the part of what your
wrongs are your amends list will be derived from this last part. It is very
important that the amends are made because they are warranted and not
when they are unnecessary.
Column 1 = I'm resentful at.....
then we do,
Column 2 = The Cause....
then we do,
Column 3 = Affects my.....
There are important reasons Step 4 was laid out this way. First reason is
that most alky's are full of guilt and shame at first and can easily start
taking more blame on themselves than they need to. So by looking at others,
the alky gets a truer picture of the "exact nature of his wrongs."
That leads to the second reason - when you get to the part of what your
wrongs are your amends list will be derived from this last part. It is very
important that the amends are made because they are warranted and not
when they are unnecessary.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 405
[QUOTE=jazzfish;4468397]I am working through step 4. I know we are supposed to identify where we are at fault along with every resentment. However, there is one resentment extending from childhood. Is it possible to have a faultless resentment? I just can't see or accept "being a child" as a shortcoming that can be removed. Opinions?[/QUOTE
Quote: " Is it possible to have a faultless resentment? "
No, my fault is the resentment. My fault is my judgement.
If I have a resentment, I am at fault. The fault is the resentment.
As long as I judge and resent, I am at fault.
Where we are at fault is that we judge and then resent.
Where we are at fault is our anger.
God save us from being angry.
God save us from judgement.
For as long as we judge, we will resent and as long as we resent, we will never be free.
As soon as I am angry, I am at fault.
Listen to Don P. of CO's talks. These ideas came from him.
Quote: " Is it possible to have a faultless resentment? "
No, my fault is the resentment. My fault is my judgement.
If I have a resentment, I am at fault. The fault is the resentment.
As long as I judge and resent, I am at fault.
Where we are at fault is that we judge and then resent.
Where we are at fault is our anger.
God save us from being angry.
God save us from judgement.
For as long as we judge, we will resent and as long as we resent, we will never be free.
As soon as I am angry, I am at fault.
Listen to Don P. of CO's talks. These ideas came from him.
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
I never saw it that way before SoulSister. Thank you! When I did my first 5th step with my sponsor I couldn't for the life of me see how I may have been at fault with a resentment regarding sexual abuse by my family members. A victim of circumstance like someone above said. But i see now that by ALLOWING the resentment to fester for all those years, I was at fault for beating myself up about it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
When looking at the childhood it is unlikely and unfair to judge yourself as a child, for example one would not be writing your part in an abuse as you were wearing too tight a top?!
The resentment we look at is the one you have now as an adult and the part you play in it as an adult I.e. Maybe because if what happened you have a resentment against person a therefore as an adult anyone resembling person a is not to be liked?
Do you see what I mean?
At this stage ask your sponsor about this and continue working through the steps as, once you have recovered from alcoholism, you will have plenty of time to take the things from the past that you feel you need to work on further. The good news is that you won't have to pretend that something is ok when it is obviously not and let that affect your values, beliefs or behaviour in your adult life.
Patience and keep going.
The resentment we look at is the one you have now as an adult and the part you play in it as an adult I.e. Maybe because if what happened you have a resentment against person a therefore as an adult anyone resembling person a is not to be liked?
Do you see what I mean?
At this stage ask your sponsor about this and continue working through the steps as, once you have recovered from alcoholism, you will have plenty of time to take the things from the past that you feel you need to work on further. The good news is that you won't have to pretend that something is ok when it is obviously not and let that affect your values, beliefs or behaviour in your adult life.
Patience and keep going.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Internalizing what I was told was wrong with me as being the truth.
Wanting or trying to change others, as in trying to get their validation, approval
Lying and saying I got an A on a test in school that didn't exist so they'd love me
Not understanding they were sick people with no tools
Allowing them to determine my worth wheny worth comes from
GOD
Wanting or trying to change others, as in trying to get their validation, approval
Lying and saying I got an A on a test in school that didn't exist so they'd love me
Not understanding they were sick people with no tools
Allowing them to determine my worth wheny worth comes from
GOD
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,902
I did as Uncle meat did with those first 3 columns.I then sat for several days and considered what I had wrote and how I had lived.Then my sponsor had me pray that sick mans prayer for each resentment.
We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended
we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
then onto column 4
here are the column 4 questions my sponsor had me answer for each resentment
1.Selfish:What did I want?
2.Dishonest:
what was the lie I told myself?
What would I not get or receive?
I thought _________________
I told myself_____________________
I pretended____________________
3.self seeking:
What did I do to get what I wanted?
How did I manuilapate?
4.frightened:
What was I afraid of?
What was the fear?(name it by name)
What might I lose or not get?
by answering those 4th column questions,i saw "my part" in every resentment
We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended
we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
then onto column 4
here are the column 4 questions my sponsor had me answer for each resentment
1.Selfish:What did I want?
2.Dishonest:
what was the lie I told myself?
What would I not get or receive?
I thought _________________
I told myself_____________________
I pretended____________________
3.self seeking:
What did I do to get what I wanted?
How did I manuilapate?
4.frightened:
What was I afraid of?
What was the fear?(name it by name)
What might I lose or not get?
by answering those 4th column questions,i saw "my part" in every resentment
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