Riverbird

I'm not sure this is the right place to put this but I need to put it somewhere so here goes. I won't be doing my 5th step with my sponsor for a little while yet and I really need to get this out to someone now.

I have a resentment that I realized today just how strong it is and it's really bothering me. I used to be one of the most victim-minded people you'd ever meet. I grew up learning to use victimhood to get everything I needed in life. I could and would spin and manipulate a sob story for everything from food to eat, grades in school, friends, etc. I got so deeply in to it that I didn't realize I was in it. But I expected everyone to feel bad for me because of my past...because of abuse I'd endured, the fact that I didn't have a family, etc. All I knew how to do was sit there and be broken and wait for people to pity me. I pretty well convinced myself that that's all I would ever do. I even found a support group online that basically supported doing that. I (and others there) would post some piece of what was going on in my life and everyone else would respond with some version of "oh poor you, i'm so sorry that happened. It's amazing you've dealt with it as well as you have. You're doing so great." And on and on and on. You could tell them that you hadn't been out of bed in a month because you didn't have a family as a kid (even though you'd been an adult for a good long time) and you'd get that answer.

Fast forward to today, I've been working very very hard at taking responsibility for myself and my actions, and finding the real me rather than just looking for pity. It's a big struggle for me because victimhood was my go to for everything. That's how I felt important was having people acknowledge that the stuff I went through was in fact really bad stuff. I've been doing well though and I'm really proud of the progress I've made. But suddenly I have this huge, intense resentment towards people who are in that level of victimhood that I used to be in. I went back to that support group because I wanted to ask a question to people who had been through the same stuff as me, but I just kept getting more and more angry looking at all the posts there and hearing everyone talk about how horrible life is. But it was like I couldn't look away...I just kept reading more and getting more and more angry. I also have blogs I read from old friends/acquaintances that have a similar effect on me.

I hate that I'm feeling this way towards it. You'd think I'd be understanding and at least somewhat supportive, as I understand exactly how a person gets to that point. But I'm just angry that they're not where I am. Is this some kind of twisted form of caring about them and wanting to feel happy like I am. (I really am happy, even though I slip into crazy anger sometimes...lol). Or am I mad because I'm jealous and I still want sympathy and want to be coddled? Am I angry at myself that I acted that way for so long? I don't know but I feel my body tense up just as I'm typing this. I feel like such a hypocrite. For the most part I try to stay away from the support group and that kind of atmosphere, but every now and then it is a good resource. Also sometimes I see people that are on the verge of being able to see through their victimhood and that I can help. (I'm well aware from experience that some people aren't ready for that and it will only make them angry to try to say anything but the reaction they're seeking). Anyway I want to be the kind of person that can turn around and support those who come after me. I want to be able to use my experiences to benefit others, but so far all they do is make me really really angry at others. What's going on with me?! Can anyone relate to this?

Thanks for letting me get this out. It's not really something I can share many places!

Tommyh

a good honest post Riverbird

I might ask myself a few of the following questions to try to see the truth about me

Was it my self-esteem, my security, my ambitions, my personal, or sex relations, which had been interfered with?
does reading those posts or web sites harm me in any of those areas?(whether fancied or real harms)

if so,have I been selfish(my motives), dishonest(am I lying to myself about something ?), self-seeking( my selfish actions) or frightened?

I can usually spot something about myself from those questions.
I look at the anger,not the "reason" I feel I am angry to find the root cause of it
I need to see how the anger affects me inside,which is my part
hope this helps

tomsteve

yup, relate quite well and an issue that, athough not as bad as when I got sober, still pops up on occasion.
"Is this some kind of twisted form of caring about them and wanting to feel happy like I am. (I really am happy, even though I slip into crazy anger sometimes...lol). Or am I mad because I'm jealous and I still want sympathy and want to be coddled? Am I angry at myself that I acted that way for so long? "

heres what im thinkin:
doin the same thing over and over knowing the results will be the same( as long as the results aint good) is insane. so, id suggest starting at the 1st step on this one.
powerless over people,places,things.....

soberhal9

I was never a victim I felt like a victim and my disease distorted my perception, but I forgive people and saw my part in things through the steps and let god remove my character defects. lack of power is my dilemma I am not power of people places and things. I have a omnipotent god in my life and in me that I go wherever I want and not worry about drinking.

soberhal9

I didn't read your post as carefully the first time.
But I had a similar experience.

I couldn't stand people constantly complaining at meetings. I resented them for it. I took a look at the situation and I am being selfish, I want these people to change, If I'm judging someone I'm being selfish I need something from these people. So I learned not to judge them and realize these people need to share that. I try to look at myself and which character defects come into play.

Also i used to complained at meetings too, so maybe if I don't like something in someone it's because I used to be like them.

WMJ1012

Beautiful post Riverbird
You have clearly come very far

I think you pretty much said these people you are angry at remind you of yourself.

When you accept that you needed to be the person you were to survive for a while, you will accept them too.