StevenT

My journey so far

January 28th, 2013 I was cold. I was high. I was trying to sleep in my volvo. Car was out of gas. I was out of gas. I finally gave in around 9 o'clock. My girlfriend and I got into a fight about what we were going to do and how hopeless we were. I yelled at her, forced her into tears and stormed away. She was calling out my name... She wanted me to turn around. I wouldn't. I couldn't.... My pride was more important. I had to prove a point. As I walked, several thoughts went through my head. "What's the point? The only life that you have ever lived is one that hurts others. You've never been able to accomplish anything significant.... You are literally worthless. Might as well just end it now and stop hurting others." Another part of me was afraid of death, still had some fight left. As I walked next to the monorail, I kept looking at the tracks. And kept walking. I wanted to step on the tracks as the rail came by and end it. I had two choices.. End it, or go to the club where they hold AA meetings that I had been attending. I had also decided, deep down, that I wanted to be saved from myself. I wanted someone to see the pain, to see the hurt, to see the lies, and to save me.

I got to the club, and I forget who was working, but it was not the one that I wanted it to be. So I sat there. I wanted to say good bye to the woman that had been there for me, and for my gf. I wanted to thank her for being the woman that she is. And so I waited. And my gf walked in. I went to walk out the door, and she stopped me. For the first and only time in my life, I laid hands on a woman out of anger. I grabbed her and shoved her into the table next to the door, and walked out. I made a scene..... From there it gets a little fuzzy. Many things happened that day. I went to the 11:59 group and became honest. I went to the Hole in the Wall group and became honest. I let people know that I had been lying the whole time, that I was getting high and that I didn't want to get high anymore. A friend was there after the meeting and took me to the gas station at 122nd and glisan, bought me 5 gallons of gas. With that, we retrieved the car and went back to the club. I didn't know what that night had in store for me, but for the first time in many months I felt a freedom. I was not a slave that night. And the most wonderful thing happened...

I slept in a bed. The bed I am now laying in. My gf and I were invited to stay with a gentleman from AA until he decided to kick us out. Which he never did.

Over the past year, there has been some change. My favorite dog, Shadow, died around this time. As time passed, my dad's mom, whom I affectionately called Noni, passed away and her entire estate, including my dads remains, was left to a stranger. The property that was promised to myself and my sister was not to be ours. A friend that had come to the club, and that my gf and I had taken to Providence for detox, died of a heart attack in his kitchen mere weeks after we had helped him. I have seen people go back out and create havok. I have ran into them on the streets and was reminded of the day that I outlined above. I have not been to any funerals, but I have seen people die of this disease in the past year.

More recently, my gf decided to be with someone else on November 8th, and that hurts still.

I have put myself through hell over the years. My life has been threatened, I have scars from cuts that I acquired over time, I spent years homeless, consumed many different things to get high, drank a good amount of alcohol, bounced from state to state... I have been a thief, traitor, backstabber, liar, cheater and all around ******* to those around me, putting myself and my addiction before everything.

Today I can tell a different story. I am a brother, both in blood and in bond. I am a mentor, and a student, often with the same person. I have faced trials and tribulations, and with the power of God to steady me, I have not capsized like a rowboat in a storm but rather weathered the storm and made it through to the other side. I have accomplished things in the past year that I have never been able to do before. And it's not about the drugs and alcohol. Removing those allowed the work to begin. I realized that I am powerless over drugs and alcohol. When I consume either, and obsession and compulsion kicks in that I cannot resist, given time. So I knew I needed help. I came to believe that God was the help that I needed, and on my knees I asked Him to remove me from the bondage of self. I then asked Him to give me the strength to look at myself, really look at myself, for the first time ever. I came to know that I am not a bad person. I am human. And I definitely have baggage. I brought some things along with me that hurt myself and others. I had been full of fear, self-loathing, resentment and most of all guilt and shame. I recognized these things, and more. I wrote them down. And I talked to my sponsor about these things on a car drive to seaside, OR and back. I bared myself to another human being. And I found out that I am not unique. I am not alone. All those things, buried deep down so that no one else could see, are common. So I moved forward from there, once again turning to God to be my strength. I became entirely ready to have God remove my defects of character. I recognized that the person that I had created in the living that I had subjected myself to was not the healthiest person. I had things that, while partially recognized in the 4th step, were persistently there. And so I got on my knees again and I asked Him to remove my shortcomings, the things that keep me from being the man that He wants me to be. Knowing that I had no ability to do this myself, I felt humility for one of the few times in my life. I knew that my growth was hopeless without Him there to be my guide. And so, with the question having been asked, and me being entirely ready to have my defects removed on His time, I moved into repairing my broken relationships. I went to those that I had stolen from, that I had hurt, that I owed money, and I admitted my own wrongs. Leaving accusations or criticism out, I laid out where I was wrong to act or speak and prepared to make reparations. In some cases I was forgiven. In others, it was not so. But the important part was done. The guilt that I had carried for all of those years, so heavily compounded upon itself from incident after incident, began to lift. I started to feel freedom from my past for the first time, ever.

With that being underway (I am not completely done with my amends) I moved into maintaining my honest, accurate self appraisal as well as maintaining my relationship with God. I moved into service more heavily, taking on secretary positions and before long my first sponsee. I got a job. I began to pay rent. Then I started to become complacent. I had accomplished much. Much more then I had ever done before. I could afford to maintain, just sit for a bit and enjoy the success..... It was not quite so. I began to slowly, ever so slowly, backslide. I became more withdrawn, gave up all but one of my positions, and simply lived each day nearly identical to the last. I became stuck. I started to get depressed, although I only recently recognize that as such. I didn't move back into the steps, or get involved in the program, until it was almost too late. As a result my behavior cost me my job, my car, my self esteem. It almost cost me my sobriety as I began to engage in risky behaviors... But as I had asked Him to, God provided the only defense that can exist when an addict starts to become active again. I got 12 stepped. And it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

As I lay here and type this up, I am a different person then the one that crawled back into the rooms a year ago. And yet I am the same. I am full of defects, spiritual holes, sinful practices, and a whole slew of other things. I am also enriched with spirituality, endowed with integrity and morals. I am redeemed. He set me free, and broke me free of the heavy chains that held me. Thanks to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and God, with credit to Narcotics Anonymous and so many others, too many to list, I am not the man that I used to be. I am not an enslaved addict doomed to hit the pipe over and over. I am not a stumbling alcoholic, smelling of whisky and body odor, living in a forest. I am a child of God who is growing today. And for that I am forever grateful.

I know this is a long post. The longest I have ever done on here, in fact, and that's saying something. But every word is special to me. From the pain and humiliation of 1/28/13 to the victory of making it to 1/28/14 sober, from the losses last january and on 4/21 and 11/8, from the growth of doing the work.... Every single part of this post is special. During parts of it I honestly cried, and had to stop typing to wipe my eyes. During parts of it I stopped typing simply to sit in awe of what I accomplised. And during parts of it I couldn't stop typing because I was so wrapped up in the past that I was reliving it as it flowed from my fingers onto the page.

The last thing I have to say is that I look forward to what is to come. I have noticed that when I apply myself to my recovery, I reap the rewards and experience true serenity. When I do not apply myself, when I do not do the work, I suffer. Today I choose to apply myself and live in my God's will. I don't know what I will do tomorrow, but thankfully I only live one second at a time and don't have to decide for tomorrow until it gets here