Trust Issues
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 14
Trust Issues
I hoped to find a more suitable place for this here...
Anyway, my fiancee and I are at the point where we are growing stronger with one another, but are opening up more to exploring each other's deeper trust issues in regards to our past traumas. She's a child sexual abuse survivor, and thus has trouble trusting people physically or trusting their words, and I have abandonment issues resulting from years of family divorces, unavailable parents, and family betrayals. We both have a handle on our trauma but it still surfaces in challenges once in a while.
Last night my fiance and I were talking and she was really upset over the fact that she loves me and deeply values our relationship, but has trouble trusting at times due to her experiences because she's afraid I'll leave her if she opens up. I promised her that I love her with all my heart and that I chose her because of how deep and compassionate she is, and just as she has been patient with my OCD stuff, I intend to be with her always through her PTSD issues and pain from the past. It's frustrating at times, but with each challenge we overcome I feel even closer to her and more in love.
I entirely meant what I said, and I also explained that, as she knew, my life experiences injured me as well and so I can understand her difficulty in trusting. I felt generally very good about our talk and the resolution we came to, to be patient with both of our healing and not take occasional challenges personally.
I just want to know what I can do to continually support her and let her know that I love her and all of her aspects, including her pain and anxiety, but I worry about what I cannot control in this matter. Similarly, I'm working on my own trust issues and I also feel guilty at times when I struggle with them.
The thing that i'm worried about is, despite my resolve and my love for her, at times it's hard understanding that her struggles are not always about me and that there are times I can't do much about them, especially since I struggle with OCD myself. I'm entirely willing to work on myself and better empathize with my fiancee, and I'm not sure what to think about it when I get frustrated from time to time. Is this normal?
Anyway, my fiancee and I are at the point where we are growing stronger with one another, but are opening up more to exploring each other's deeper trust issues in regards to our past traumas. She's a child sexual abuse survivor, and thus has trouble trusting people physically or trusting their words, and I have abandonment issues resulting from years of family divorces, unavailable parents, and family betrayals. We both have a handle on our trauma but it still surfaces in challenges once in a while.
Last night my fiance and I were talking and she was really upset over the fact that she loves me and deeply values our relationship, but has trouble trusting at times due to her experiences because she's afraid I'll leave her if she opens up. I promised her that I love her with all my heart and that I chose her because of how deep and compassionate she is, and just as she has been patient with my OCD stuff, I intend to be with her always through her PTSD issues and pain from the past. It's frustrating at times, but with each challenge we overcome I feel even closer to her and more in love.
I entirely meant what I said, and I also explained that, as she knew, my life experiences injured me as well and so I can understand her difficulty in trusting. I felt generally very good about our talk and the resolution we came to, to be patient with both of our healing and not take occasional challenges personally.
I just want to know what I can do to continually support her and let her know that I love her and all of her aspects, including her pain and anxiety, but I worry about what I cannot control in this matter. Similarly, I'm working on my own trust issues and I also feel guilty at times when I struggle with them.
The thing that i'm worried about is, despite my resolve and my love for her, at times it's hard understanding that her struggles are not always about me and that there are times I can't do much about them, especially since I struggle with OCD myself. I'm entirely willing to work on myself and better empathize with my fiancee, and I'm not sure what to think about it when I get frustrated from time to time. Is this normal?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 590
I know where you're coming from as I deal with trust issues of my own.
I think it takes a special person and lots of patience in order to help someone with these issues to feel more comfortable, which will ultimately lead to trust. I know in my case I would need someone understanding enough to allow me to do whatever I need to do in order to build my trust in them.
I sometimes think it's useless as I don't think there is anyone out there who would be willing to put up with those needs. So I kind of think what I would do is to just let her do what she needs to do, thereby letting her get use to knowing it's okay for her to make sure she can trust you. Remember that trust can take a long time for some.
But someone making a big thing about it would probably knock me back to square one.
Hope this maybe helps a bit.
I think it takes a special person and lots of patience in order to help someone with these issues to feel more comfortable, which will ultimately lead to trust. I know in my case I would need someone understanding enough to allow me to do whatever I need to do in order to build my trust in them.
I sometimes think it's useless as I don't think there is anyone out there who would be willing to put up with those needs. So I kind of think what I would do is to just let her do what she needs to do, thereby letting her get use to knowing it's okay for her to make sure she can trust you. Remember that trust can take a long time for some.
But someone making a big thing about it would probably knock me back to square one.
Hope this maybe helps a bit.
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