Riverbird

I'm about to start on my second 4th step with my sponsor. I'll be talking with my sponsor a lot more about it as we're still reading through it all in the book. For now though she wants me to start writing what I can, and I'm running in to lots of confusion. I'd love to get some additional insight from ya'll in the meantime.

My first 4th step was with a different sponsor and it was pretty simple/clear. I came in to the program with a lot of very intense, very specific resentments against specific people. The process of working through them was extremely cathartic for me, and gave huge improvements in my life and sobriety.

This time around it's way more confusing. I've been sober for 2 years now (first one I did at about 3 months in). I've made peace with a lot of my past and really don't have major resentments like I used to. I'm not denying I still have a lot to work on, but it's different now. For most of the resentments, the targets are more or less ambiguous. For example, I have residual anger over what I went through in my past (abuse, abandonment, etc.). I've forgiven the people that hurt me, so I'm not angry at them anymore. I thought I was angry at my higher power but I'm not. I'm grateful to my higher power for saving me from something that could've been much worse and giving me a chance at my life back. But I'm still angry that it happened. Then my sponsor also wants me to write about stuff like jealousy, even though there's not a specific target of my jealousy. There used to be particular people or groups of people that I was jealous of. But now it's more just a tendency to react in jealousy until I catch myself. Sometimes it's because I think people have the job I want, sometimes it's over personal/family stuff, sometimes it's looks, etc. It can be whatever, and whoever, so I don't really know how to list it on the inventory. Again I'm not denying it's an issue, I just don't know how to address writing about it.

My other area of confusion...if I know a resentment is 100% petty, do I still list it? For example, I have some anger towards a new girl who took a lot of the time, energy, and focus that some of my friends were giving me. I get it that that's stupid and petty and I need to get over it. I know that my friends can be there for me and someone else...I know I can learn to share...but yes it bothers me. There are other similar issues with other people too, that all continue to bother me. Do I have to list this kind of stuff? I know it's ridiculous. I can hear my sponsor in my head telling me to get over it and move on. I know they're minor issues, but they're still present.

Sorry this is so long. Any thoughts or insight is greatly appreciated. I guess this is progress that I'm digging deeper and my resentments are more complicated now, right? Or maybe not since I'm still clearly upset over silly surface stuff. Thanks for "listening"!

Gal220

The fourth step process is about getting it all out; you analyze it later. Just because you don't know who the subject of your anger is doesn't mean you aren't harboring it. If you hang onto it, it can be harmful. So write about it. You can sort it all out later. Also, a lot of my resentments were petty or manufactured by my own distorted thinking. I was able to sort that out in the fifth step. What you've written here seems like a good start! Good luck! I wish you fearlessness!

Joe Nerv

I have a few thoughts...

First, my sponsor always directed me back to step 3, whenever I was having trouble with 4. He told me to pray on it and ask that I be as open, honest, and fearless as I could possibly be, and then trust that whatever got put to paper - was exactly what needed to be put to paper. I place my life and will under the "care" of God again. If I was questioning myself, then I wasn't trusting God, nor my 3rd step.

I did several 4th steps. The BB is an excellent guide as it pretty much covers everything, in a simple, doable format, but I'm not of the camp that believes it's the be all and end all of self awareness. There are other guides I found helpful, particuarly a hazelton booklet that listed a bunch of defects, and the opposite of the defect with a blank page for each to fill out. Pretty sure it was based on the 7 deadly sins, but may have contained a bit more (was a while ago). Anyhow, I'm certain jealousy was one of the defects, and I wrote about how I thought it had effected me in my life. Wrote down any jealousies I had, and any other thoughts that came to mind regarding it. I don't believe it's essential to attach it to specific people and list it as laid out in the BB, although that helped me as it did you, with some very clear resentments I was aware of. I think the point is to be aware of what's making us tick.

And in regard to your resentment that you consider petty, it's my opinion that we don't have to dig so deeply into this stuff. Becoming aware is our job, the rest is our HP, and that comes in steps 6 and 7. And sometimes many years down the line. You sound like you're very clear on what's up with that new girl (and yourself), I thiink we need to be careful about over analyzing things and thinking them to death.

Seems like you're doing an awesome job with your revisiting the 4th step. I would turn it over to my HP, and possibly stretch this 4th step a little outside the guidelines of the BB. There's lots of helpful literature available. Wow ... just found this while doing a quick search for the guide I used. It's based on the BB, but gets a bit more detailed http://www.sdrconsortium.org/assets/...0Inventory.pdf . Couldn't find the one I used.

Wishing you the best.

mick3580

You have no idea how much I can relate to this!!!!!! It is very difficult to explain this to someone who hasn't experienced this. I have found that writing inventory, while helpful, can only take me so far. Writing did not remove each and every one of my resentments. I had dome major resentments towards my ex girlfriend as well as resentments towards a number of people in the fellowship of aa. There was some real, true, actual, wrong done by both to me. No question about it, I had done wrong as well to them. I could even admit my part in if all, but it did not take away all of my anger towards them. There are some things in my life I'm currently going through, that, when they come up, I experience residual anger towards aa and my ex for their part in it, even though my involvement with both entities is different today than what it was. It is similar to someone with PTSD who reexperiences trauma over and over again. Seeing your part in something that was wrong is helpful, but it doesn't always take the pain away.

I have found that continually looking and concentrating on my part can cause me to resent myself for the part I played rather than resenting the other person for the part they played. There's no difference in the effect these have on me. Either way, I'm in prison, metaphorically speaking.

I have also had a discussion with people in aa about how even if writing was the answer to all resentments, sometimes there isn't a clear, personalized target for my resentment. I have residual resentment towards my ex. When it comes up, it's an incredibly painful emotion. It cannot be put on paper in a formal way because words can't describe a negative emotion such as this. Secondly, there's no target for the anger because I'm not really angry at my ex; the anger is more about the situation that arises! Thirdly, sometimes a painful memory(resentment) arises in my consciousness. Seeing my part doesn't take the pain away. What if it happens when I'm in my car, driving 70 miles per hour on the freeway? It's too painful to wait to write that down when I arrive at my destination, not to mention the fact that it takes me away from handling life in the present moment. I can even get resentful at myself for having the resentment. I can get resentful about a writing exercise to remove a resentment taking me away from doing what needs to be done in life.

I have found that resentments have to be handled in the present moment, in real time. They cannot be solved by thinking myself through them. Try doing that while you're driving a car. I have gotten into car accidents following this instruction.

Do what the big book says continue to WATCH for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. Refer to the book for the rest if the step ten instructions.

Last, if doing a written inventory is a must for you, consider using the format in the book but adapt it without violating principles.


Write down the situation that you're pissed about in column one. Jealousy is anger too! Write down why it upsets you in column two, what it effects in column three, and then follow the exercises in the book for looking at it from different angles and then ask where you have been selfish, dishonest, self seeking, and frightened, to blame, and where you're at fault. Do fear inventory, sex, harms, discuss in step five, take a quiet hour with six and seven, do eight and nine and while doing that, practice steps ten through twelve the way the book says to do it.

I have also found improvement of conscious contact with God through step eleven to be vital. Here is a link to a meditation I use.

Www.stepelevencomesalive.blogspot.com

And remember: the goal of the steps is a spiritual awakening. That's it. Nothing else. Once you've had a spiritual awakening, the goal is to improve upon that through steps ten through steps ten through twelve.

I hope that helps.