TomSawyer

I know this is something I need to speak with my sponsor about, and I will once I finish Step 4, but this has been bothering me so I thought I'd give posting a shot. I'm finding that a lot of my resentments stem from my own jealousy. I have resentments associated with my close friends and family just because I'm jealous of the way their lives are going (in ways mine seem stuck) relationship-wise, career-wise, etc. In essence, I find that I have trouble feeling happy for other people when I should be happy for these loved ones. This makes me crazy because I don't want to be like this! How do I even start to fix this? It seems like a character trait ingrained into my personality, something that maybe is not fixable. I know I'm just ranting. Any thoughts?

endlesspatience

Hi Tom. I started a similar thread about resentments the other day and have had some good replies. Take a look. At the moment I'm at the listing stage - I will think about how to fix them later.

TomSawyer

Thanks, I know I need to be patient about fixing them. I guess I also need to work on my tendency to want to fix things immediately! One day at a time.

DoubleDragons

I have always found that I am less jealous of other people when I am focused on my own life and in my perception that my life is going well. I think sobriety will only add to how well any of our lives are proceeding. I always keep in mind how little anyone else's life has to do with my life on a daily basis. Where and how someone else lives or what they drive or what their job is, etc. etc. really affects me and what happens to me very, very little, if I am honest. When I am feeling jealousy, I try to analyze what my jealous feelings are stemming from and if I can change those feelings into inspiration for a change in my life. I also start focusing on everything I am grateful for and find positive in my own life. (gratitude journals are great. I saw posted here on the other day _ What you take for granted, other people are praying for.) Finally, I stay clear of Facebook or other triggering people or places, that just aren't "real". These things never show the full picture, rely entirely on people's perceptions and studies have shown that spending a lot of time on these venues adds to people's depression, not happiness. Hope this helps!

TomSawyer

I deleted my facebook when I first got on the road to recovery back in March - I think this is good advice. I already have insecurities about my own life in comparison to others, and Facebook was just a catalyst for those insecurities. I really think anyone quitting drinking would be well-advised to toss Facebook.

Thanks.

suki44883

Have you considered doing some service work? That can help anyone feel grateful for what they already have. You would also learn to be happy for others when you realize you are helping them.

sugarbear1

work steps 4-7.

UncleMeat69

One thing to remember in a 4th. Step inventory is its purpose. "To remove the things that have been blocking us off from the Sunlight of the Spirit."
When you say your defect cannot be fixed you are not giving HP a chance to do for you what you cannot do for yourself. Truth is, you probably can't fix it. That is why you listed it and when your 4th. is done you turn it over to HP and let Him fix it by getting your ego out of the way and asking for knowledge of His will for you and the power to carry it out - power that you admit you don't have. It works if you have faith that He can and you can't.

paul99

I have heard it said that jealousy is counting other people's blessings. Some great comments here, and certainly working steps 4-7 will help with these things you are going through. I still work 6-7 and will continue to do so ever more. I can't transform myself by myself, per se. I pray that my HP will remove from me what blocks me from Him. I have faith that He will do it (as UncleMeat explained). In the meantime, there are some things that I can do to put myself in another position to be open to those changes. As someone explained, gratitude and service are things that help me get out of jealousy and / or resentments of such.

When I think to myself "why don't I have X, Y or Z? Or why can't I be as ______ as so-and-so? Or I wish I had what they had", etc. I have to look around at some of the guys I work with or the newcomers at meetings and see where they are at. I used to complain that I didn't see my son very often when I was first in the program and separated from my wife. Then I met a man who's son's name was the same as mine and he didn't see him for two years. So immediately my perspective changed. I saw that I wasn't in court battling to see him. I didn't have to beg my wife to let me see my boy. I had it pretty good, actually. So that was just one tiny example of how this helped. And in seeing my old patterns (through inventory) of playing victim and my self-pitying ways (hello selfishness!) I was able to learn to shift my ways of looking at things and interacting with others.

Doing the work, having faith and allowing things to unfold as they need...this were the things that helped me.

Music

Read Freedom from Bondage in the Big Book. There are specific instructions about how to deal with resentments.

Tommyh

my thoughts and experience-all your resentments stem from your fear
see the 3rd column in the example of the 4th step in the big book

there are only 4 major defects we need to look out for,see step 10 in the big book
take away those 4,you take away a lot of other,pesky defects and shortcomings

mick3580

I do not fix my resentments.

mick3580

I observe them. I practice step ten with them.

safe2breathe

who is to say you wont have your answers after making it through the next few steps? i know it is hard - we all do ... my advice - say a prayer and finish that 4th step, talk to your sponsor, and know answers may take time .. but they will come - youre exactly where you should be ... now ... get to work and dont dwell on it.

Fluttering

Hi Tom

I might suggest reading the chapter or story in the Big Book on Acceptance

I replace old habits or traits that I do not like with practicing good ones
you say "your life is sukky"...How can you get into a solution to make it better or less sukky?
You are "jealous of family and friends"...How can you support and encourage and practice our code of love and tolerance to them?

You say you are aware of these traits...have you thought of "letting them go" or surrendering them which means asking your Higher Power with help in letting them go?

Lastly...be gentle with yourself...Looking at our old stuff and doing the inventory does not mean beating ourselves up...So I might suggest removing the baseball bat from the spiritual tool box...that "love and tolerance" mentioned earlier as being our code applies to ourselves as well..
I love myself enough today to be rigorously and thoroughly honest from a loving gentle place. "Honesty with out love is brutality" is something that was given to me when I did my first 4th step

When I can learn to be honest from a loving gentle place with me...I am more likely, with HP's help, to be honest, loving and kind to those close to me.

Peace on the journey and may the 4th be with you

Bigbangtheory

This seems to be a defect of character or shortcoming that applies to step seven "7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings." I myself am working on step 4. This is my second time doing the steps and like the big book says "more will be revealed" it really is a new experience. The fact that you are aware of this shortcoming and have the desire to fix it is proof that you are on your way to fixing it.

My coach in the step study group has asked us to say the "set aside prayer" followed by the third step prayer and finally step 4 prayer, every night before writing my master list.

I'm looking forward to completing all 4 columns and the sex inventory so that I can become aware, clearly aware, of my shortcomings and humbly ask God to remove them. Then comes that hard part of praying for the courage to make amends.

Hope this helped. Like i said I'm still learning and there is so much more I'm eager to learn. Emotional sobriety is what requires the most work. Without emotional sobriety we are doomed to go back to hiding behind that bottle.

Good luck!