Class of October 2013 - Part 5
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Class of October 2013 - Part 5
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Wow, so many posts today to respond to. Not sure where I pulled that tides analogy from this morning but I do notice that my thought processes are better with me being sober. I've noticed a drastic improvement over the last couple of weeks. I just got back from a 25 mile bike ride with the wife a little while ago. My wife freaked out when a few large iguanas walked in front of her bike.
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25 mile bike ride, Bilr44??????!!!! Yikes....I wish I could ride a mile! Walking the beach is about as good as it gets for me....lol....Lots of iguanas in Costa Rica as well....I don't freak out anymore....and congrats to you on your sobriety!
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Just got the wind knocked out of my sails. Apparently my husband misses me drinking. He doesn't understand why I "have to be so all or nothing". He went on to say that he would like to just share a bottle of wine with me every once in a while. I reminded him that sharing a bottle of wine with me doesn't always end so well.....And he would still rather have me drinking just "in moderation". Holding back tears and so sad. What am I going to do? The fact that I have not drank for almost a month means nothing to him. In fact, it would seem that he is loosing respect for me because I have stopped completely rather than just CHOOSING to moderate like a responsible individual. I'm so confused and hurt and shocked.
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Try not to panic countingdays - I think our loved ones do it tough - they have this massive change kinda foist upon them...
your husband is probably as used to you drinking as you are...
but most folks don't understand much of our struggle...you know why you're doing this even if he doesn't quite understand.
Sharing a bottle of wine was for him a warm intimate shared moment, for you (and the rest of us) it was the gateway to Hell.
Early recovery is rough but you will have warm intimate shared moments again, and I promise you'll both come to see the benefits of your sobriety.
D
your husband is probably as used to you drinking as you are...
but most folks don't understand much of our struggle...you know why you're doing this even if he doesn't quite understand.
Sharing a bottle of wine was for him a warm intimate shared moment, for you (and the rest of us) it was the gateway to Hell.
Early recovery is rough but you will have warm intimate shared moments again, and I promise you'll both come to see the benefits of your sobriety.
D
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Thank you Dee! It is true that he really has very little knowledge or understanding of the emotional and mental beating I subjected upon myself almost daily. I always just put on a brave face and laughed off any ridiculous antics I may have pulled while drunk and generally those antics never really bothered him since he just shrugged them off since that was just the "drunk me" doing those things and not the real me (as he would put it). He just accepted my "split personality".
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Originally Posted by countingdays 
Just got the wind knocked out of my sails. Apparently my husband misses me drinking. He doesn't understand why I "have to be so all or nothing". He went on to say that he would like to just share a bottle of wine with me every once in a while. I reminded him that sharing a bottle of wine with me doesn't always end so well.....And he would still rather have me drinking just "in moderation". Holding back tears and so sad. What am I going to do? The fact that I have not drank for almost a month means nothing to him. In fact, it would seem that he is loosing respect for me because I have stopped completely rather than just CHOOSING to moderate like a responsible individual. I'm so confused and hurt and shocked.
That has to be tough. I have tried to not talk about my sobriety as much to my husband and my sister lately. They have been supportive, but I think since they are both still drinkers, they sometimes feel judged a little bit by me and I really don't want them to feel that way. My husband has actually cut his drinking back a lot since I quit and both he and I have noticed that he is grumpier lately. We both think this might have to do with perhaps some withdrawal symptoms for him, too?!? Could this be the case with your husband? I agree with Dee. Try not to personalize it too much. We have done all of the changing and thus those changes are forced on those who love us. I can't wait for this all to become "the norm", instead of such an everyday focus. Thinking of you . . . .
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countingdays ... how much does your husband know about how you were drinking? When you drank, the frequency, the volume, etc..
My wife also thinks moderation is in the cards, but I haven't come clean with her regarding how much I was drinking and how much of it was in secret. She knows I had a problem, but she doesn't know the depth of the problem.
My wife also thinks moderation is in the cards, but I haven't come clean with her regarding how much I was drinking and how much of it was in secret. She knows I had a problem, but she doesn't know the depth of the problem.
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WhoDey, funny about your bourbon story today. I would have never spent a lot of money on a bottle of vodka because I would have treated it the same as a $20 bottle. I know fine spirits are meant for sipping, I just never got the concept. They also sell the high alcohol content craft sipping beers; again the concept was lost on me.
Counting, I kind of agree with DD, maybe your husband is feeling guilty about drinking because you quit. I guess I'm lucky because my wife and I were never the type to share a bottle of wine at home or out at dinner. At home it would have been one glass for her and the rest of the bottle as an appetizer for me.
Trudging, I've been building up to riding this long and it is always easier for me with another person riding. I can always take a really good nap after a ride. For most people exercise wakes them up, for me it relaxes me.
Counting, I kind of agree with DD, maybe your husband is feeling guilty about drinking because you quit. I guess I'm lucky because my wife and I were never the type to share a bottle of wine at home or out at dinner. At home it would have been one glass for her and the rest of the bottle as an appetizer for me.
Trudging, I've been building up to riding this long and it is always easier for me with another person riding. I can always take a really good nap after a ride. For most people exercise wakes them up, for me it relaxes me.
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Well, against the odds I've somehow made it back to 4 weeks - SO thrilled and I think looking back I needed to slip 4 weeks ago, to finally get it into my head how GOOD sober feels. It's different this time, I'm not manically counting each day sober etc, so am pretty convinced this time is 'IT'.
Hope you're all well
Xx
Hope you're all well
Xx
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Originally Posted by countingdays
Just got the wind knocked out of my sails. Apparently my husband misses me drinking. He doesn't understand why I "have to be so all or nothing". He went on to say that he would like to just share a bottle of wine with me every once in a while. I reminded him that sharing a bottle of wine with me doesn't always end so well.....And he would still rather have me drinking just "in moderation". Holding back tears and so sad. What am I going to do? The fact that I have not drank for almost a month means nothing to him. In fact, it would seem that he is loosing respect for me because I have stopped completely rather than just CHOOSING to moderate like a responsible individual. I'm so confused and hurt and shocked.
Boy, am I sorry I gave into that. Now that he saw what happened (he was more surprised than I was about how fast I plummeted down) he no longer suggests I can moderate my drinking and hang out with a bottle of wine. It is a relief to have it off the table, really. I think you are doing great and perhaps you should tell him this story if it would help. I agree with others that normies just don't get what we face, and we have tried to minimize to them what our drinking is and does to us.
Have a great Sunday everyone. Glad nobody here needs the dark glasses to cover a hangover. Good for us !
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Happy Sunday everyone,
Sunday is a good day for me because it was the day that I decided to stop drinking. It still feels like a bit of a dream that I actually haven't had a sip of alcohol in the last 10 weeks. While part of feels great about this, the other part tells me that normal people wouldn't even be thinking about sober days. I am not going to be to hard on myself about the past because this is how we were wired.
My wife and I had a date and went to a Colombian restaurant last night. While they do serve alcohol there, it is more about families, good food, and a delicious Colombian bakery. We brought a goodie bag of pastries home for the kids as a surprise for breakfast. It is our "go to" place as it is casual, has our favorite food, and I get to practice my Spanish.
Sunday is a good day for me because it was the day that I decided to stop drinking. It still feels like a bit of a dream that I actually haven't had a sip of alcohol in the last 10 weeks. While part of feels great about this, the other part tells me that normal people wouldn't even be thinking about sober days. I am not going to be to hard on myself about the past because this is how we were wired.
My wife and I had a date and went to a Colombian restaurant last night. While they do serve alcohol there, it is more about families, good food, and a delicious Colombian bakery. We brought a goodie bag of pastries home for the kids as a surprise for breakfast. It is our "go to" place as it is casual, has our favorite food, and I get to practice my Spanish.
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
I agree with others that normies just don't get what we face, and we have tried to minimize to them what our drinking is and does to us.
Originally Posted by DoubleDragons
We have done all of the changing and thus those changes are forced on those who love us.
1. I know in my case, after quiting in December and relapsing in June, I kept the extent of my new drinking very much secret. I hid bottles and drank at odd (even for me) times of the day in order to avoid detection. My wife doesn't know all of this. So, when she suggests moderation as an objective, it's coming from the perspective of the drinking that I allowed her to see. Even that, in all honesty, was getting out of control, but it was just the tip of the iceberg.
2. While we ultimately are quitting for ourselves, all of us are in a variety of relationships (colleagues, friends, children, parents, spouses, etc.) with people who love us. Any significant change to us (like becoming sober) is going to impact them in some way. We know the net impact is a positive one, but there are some adjustments that will be necessary to some of these relationships.
If a friend wishes that we could continue to socialize with them as we have over the years ... maybe at a bar or over drinks at someone's house ... we shouldn't be surprised. Them wanting to reclaim that connection doesn't mean they don't value our sobriety. In most cases is not the alcohol consumption they miss, it's the connecting with us. Maybe we need to be creative in finding ways to connect that don't involve alcohol.
Added to this is the depth of any one specific relationship. A colleague from work can be expected to accept a simple declining of a drink ... "No thanks." A spouse, at the other end of the spectrum, should receive a more indepth response. We may not be ready today for that conversation, but it should come I suspect.
If I announced to my wife that today I became a vegetarian (Day 1!) and that I would never again eat meat, she might be excused for not immediately understanding or accepting my decision. Cut down? Yes, but isn't moderation acceptable? Perhaps a dialogue is necessary. The decision is ultimately mine, but the decision impacts both of us. Is it so out of bounds, if when the holidays roll around, she wishes I could prepare the beef tenderloin as tradition dictates and then participate in the subsequent meal with family?
Rambling so early in the morning! I share these thoughts as much for me as anyone else. I was a private drinker much perferring over consumption in solitude than donning the party hat. Part of my growth in sobriety, I believe, is learning to be open and including others in my life. I've been that way my entire life (relishing solitude), so there are probably limits to how open I can become, but it would be healthy to take a step in that direction.
Sorry for the long post. Was anyone else wordy on Day 19?
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Bilr ... Cool that you quit on a Sunday. I never thought about that. I quit on a Wednesday. Not nearly as special!
Also cool that you found a great way to connect with your wife without alcohol. And then you found a way to share it with your kids. Establishing new patterns and traditions. Great example.
Also cool that you found a great way to connect with your wife without alcohol. And then you found a way to share it with your kids. Establishing new patterns and traditions. Great example.
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Originally Posted by WhoDey
This has been an insightful conversation and I think the above are great points.
1. I know in my case, after quiting in December and relapsing in June, I kept the extent of my new drinking very much secret. I hid bottles and drank at odd (even for me) times of the day in order to avoid detection. My wife doesn't know all of this. So, when she suggests moderation as an objective, it's coming from the perspective of the drinking that I allowed her to see. Even that, in all honesty, was getting out of control, but it was just the tip of the iceberg.
2. While we ultimately are quitting for ourselves, all of us are in a variety of relationships (colleagues, friends, children, parents, spouses, etc.) with people who love us. Any significant change to us (like becoming sober) is going to impact them in some way. We know the net impact is a positive one, but there are some adjustments that will be necessary to some of these relationships.
If a friend wishes that we could continue to socialize with them as we have over the years ... maybe at a bar or over drinks at someone's house ... we shouldn't be surprised. Them wanting to reclaim that connection doesn't mean they don't value our sobriety. In most cases is not the alcohol consumption they miss, it's the connecting with us. Maybe we need to be creative in finding ways to connect that don't involve alcohol.
Added to this is the depth of any one specific relationship. A colleague from work can be expected to accept a simple declining of a drink ... "No thanks." A spouse, at the other end of the spectrum, should receive a more indepth response. We may not be ready today for that conversation, but it should come I suspect.
If I announced to my wife that today I became a vegetarian (Day 1!) and that I would never again eat meat, she might be excused for not immediately understanding or accepting my decision. Cut down? Yes, but isn't moderation acceptable? Perhaps a dialogue is necessary. The decision is ultimately mine, but the decision impacts both of us. Is it so out of bounds, if when the holidays roll around, she wishes I could prepare the beef tenderloin as tradition dictates and then participate in the subsequent meal with family?
Rambling so early in the morning! I share these thoughts as much for me as anyone else. I was a private drinker much perferring over consumption in solitude than donning the party hat. Part of my growth in sobriety, I believe, is learning to be open and including others in my life. I've been that way my entire life (relishing solitude), so there are probably limits to how open I can become, but it would be healthy to take a step in that direction.
Sorry for the long post. Was anyone else wordy on Day 19?
1. I know in my case, after quiting in December and relapsing in June, I kept the extent of my new drinking very much secret. I hid bottles and drank at odd (even for me) times of the day in order to avoid detection. My wife doesn't know all of this. So, when she suggests moderation as an objective, it's coming from the perspective of the drinking that I allowed her to see. Even that, in all honesty, was getting out of control, but it was just the tip of the iceberg.
2. While we ultimately are quitting for ourselves, all of us are in a variety of relationships (colleagues, friends, children, parents, spouses, etc.) with people who love us. Any significant change to us (like becoming sober) is going to impact them in some way. We know the net impact is a positive one, but there are some adjustments that will be necessary to some of these relationships.
If a friend wishes that we could continue to socialize with them as we have over the years ... maybe at a bar or over drinks at someone's house ... we shouldn't be surprised. Them wanting to reclaim that connection doesn't mean they don't value our sobriety. In most cases is not the alcohol consumption they miss, it's the connecting with us. Maybe we need to be creative in finding ways to connect that don't involve alcohol.
Added to this is the depth of any one specific relationship. A colleague from work can be expected to accept a simple declining of a drink ... "No thanks." A spouse, at the other end of the spectrum, should receive a more indepth response. We may not be ready today for that conversation, but it should come I suspect.
If I announced to my wife that today I became a vegetarian (Day 1!) and that I would never again eat meat, she might be excused for not immediately understanding or accepting my decision. Cut down? Yes, but isn't moderation acceptable? Perhaps a dialogue is necessary. The decision is ultimately mine, but the decision impacts both of us. Is it so out of bounds, if when the holidays roll around, she wishes I could prepare the beef tenderloin as tradition dictates and then participate in the subsequent meal with family?
Rambling so early in the morning! I share these thoughts as much for me as anyone else. I was a private drinker much perferring over consumption in solitude than donning the party hat. Part of my growth in sobriety, I believe, is learning to be open and including others in my life. I've been that way my entire life (relishing solitude), so there are probably limits to how open I can become, but it would be healthy to take a step in that direction.
Sorry for the long post. Was anyone else wordy on Day 19?
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It’s probably a little late, but I’d like to join this group. My name is Driver. I’m 6 weeks sober today.
Arrrgghh!…hi everybody…I’ve been reading but have been having a go of it trying to find time to post. My loss. I’ve obviously missed out on some great conversation.
But one really cool thing stands out after re-reading our thread since I last posted on 11/4: not a single Nober has slipped in the past week? That’s awesome!!
free2B , SoberSon, sicknote, much admiration for staying strong when struggling. I hate to see anybody struggle, but you set an excellent example for resilience in the face of adversity/temptation (pesky little AV demon).
This post is going to be really disjointed as I try to catch up with everybody.
countingdays, you’re in a rough spot right now. Don’t jump to conclusion that husband is losing respect for you though…he’s just mourning loss of something he enjoyed doing with you (and maybe even digging heels in a bit to get what he wants). I like where WhoDey was headed (“how much does your husband know?”)…my guess is that the same man who enjoys spending time with you sharing a glass of wine would be fully on board if he knew your reasons and how important sobriety is to you.
FirstSteps, nice job adding AA to your arsenal. How is it going?
LittleSparrow, cleanse/detox, working out, sober, caffeine free…fantastic! Hang in there…the headache will pass and you’ll be brand new!
snipe, so glad you are checking in with us. I’m guessing your building a great foundation for post Thanksgiving. We are here for ya bud!
WhoDey, unqualified? 1 day or 101 days qualifies. All insights needed/welcomed/respected. And yours are really good (especially that last one). Keep em coming…thanks!
Skye2, “month barrier” right around the corner. Hang tough sister! You too countingdays and sicknote (sicknote, no sorries needed here…get it out…but you can hold on, think about how far you’ve come and the reasons for it…you’ve got all the answers, you’re just over rotating on the anxieties/insecurities – which I fully get, believe me – maybe its time to put that sober mind to the test and take up that “something” you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t to this point. And yes, got to AA already!)
Congrats on 7 weeks InsaneHeart!
TempeBrenn, hope you are doing well.
Chaili05 you are doing great! On waking up with headache and thinking for split second you had a hangover: Two days ago I had the same thing happen to me. Like 40 days sober at time but woke up in default mode with internal voice saying “Oh no, hangover headache”, but then realized it was wife who unknowingly was using my temple as an elbow rest when typing on her I-pad during a sleepless night. We both got a good laugh out of it. So glad it wasn’t a hangover!
HDrosebud, hope it’s going well with your husband gone. We’re here if you need us!
Shoutouts to Hawkeye, JL2013, trudgingagain, Elysium, dizzychainsaw, Brian316, EnemyMine!
I don’t think I’ve missed a “Welcome” since October 1 and I’m not about to mess with my sober mojo (it’s only crazy if it doesn’t work!) …so welcomes to chaili05, JaylaaKent, PenelopeJoan, and youngcatlady. More importantly, glad you are here. This is a great place to be.
Arrrgghh!…hi everybody…I’ve been reading but have been having a go of it trying to find time to post. My loss. I’ve obviously missed out on some great conversation.
But one really cool thing stands out after re-reading our thread since I last posted on 11/4: not a single Nober has slipped in the past week? That’s awesome!!
free2B , SoberSon, sicknote, much admiration for staying strong when struggling. I hate to see anybody struggle, but you set an excellent example for resilience in the face of adversity/temptation (pesky little AV demon).
This post is going to be really disjointed as I try to catch up with everybody.
countingdays, you’re in a rough spot right now. Don’t jump to conclusion that husband is losing respect for you though…he’s just mourning loss of something he enjoyed doing with you (and maybe even digging heels in a bit to get what he wants). I like where WhoDey was headed (“how much does your husband know?”)…my guess is that the same man who enjoys spending time with you sharing a glass of wine would be fully on board if he knew your reasons and how important sobriety is to you.
FirstSteps, nice job adding AA to your arsenal. How is it going?
LittleSparrow, cleanse/detox, working out, sober, caffeine free…fantastic! Hang in there…the headache will pass and you’ll be brand new!
snipe, so glad you are checking in with us. I’m guessing your building a great foundation for post Thanksgiving. We are here for ya bud!
WhoDey, unqualified? 1 day or 101 days qualifies. All insights needed/welcomed/respected. And yours are really good (especially that last one). Keep em coming…thanks!
Skye2, “month barrier” right around the corner. Hang tough sister! You too countingdays and sicknote (sicknote, no sorries needed here…get it out…but you can hold on, think about how far you’ve come and the reasons for it…you’ve got all the answers, you’re just over rotating on the anxieties/insecurities – which I fully get, believe me – maybe its time to put that sober mind to the test and take up that “something” you’ve always wanted to do but haven’t to this point. And yes, got to AA already!)
Congrats on 7 weeks InsaneHeart!
TempeBrenn, hope you are doing well.
Chaili05 you are doing great! On waking up with headache and thinking for split second you had a hangover: Two days ago I had the same thing happen to me. Like 40 days sober at time but woke up in default mode with internal voice saying “Oh no, hangover headache”, but then realized it was wife who unknowingly was using my temple as an elbow rest when typing on her I-pad during a sleepless night. We both got a good laugh out of it. So glad it wasn’t a hangover!
HDrosebud, hope it’s going well with your husband gone. We’re here if you need us!
Shoutouts to Hawkeye, JL2013, trudgingagain, Elysium, dizzychainsaw, Brian316, EnemyMine!
I don’t think I’ve missed a “Welcome” since October 1 and I’m not about to mess with my sober mojo (it’s only crazy if it doesn’t work!) …so welcomes to chaili05, JaylaaKent, PenelopeJoan, and youngcatlady. More importantly, glad you are here. This is a great place to be.
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It is a month for me, I am not one to be counting the days but since I know it was a month ago I had blacked out it means alot to me ... Last night we went out with friends for dinner and bowling. This couple we went out with are not big drinkings they can take or leave it. Since I had ordered ice tea and they both had water. My husband ordered a beer, yes my husband drinks alot but that is ok. When he is ready he will quit too, we discussed it last night. He said he just doesn't want to be forced to do it. Which by the way I am in no means telling him to quit it was just a discussion of me quitting and going out on the town. He was just stating a fact, he doesn't feel like I am telling him he must.
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I am definitely a person who loves my time alone. I am now struggling with how I am going to make friends that fit into my new sober life. We moved to another state 2.5 years ago. Previously, we lived in a home for about 10 years where we raised our children - their young childhoods were there. My husband and I had a very active social life there, with the party crowd. Had I tried to get sober there, I think I would have had a harder time. When we moved here, immediately we were invited into the party scene. Do we alcoholic type people put a certain vibe out?? Pheromones?? We declined a lot of invitations and now, I think we are seen as weird snobs. Even though I just recently got sober, I think subconsciously I wanted to make this move a chance to really change everything. Now, I feel a little bit at a loss. One woman who I became good friends with here, I now realize is obviously an alcoholic. I feel like I attract these type of people into my life. Anyone meet any new friends since getting sober???
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