SoberHooligan

I met "Dick" in IOP 2.5 yrs ago. He was coming off a DUI and although not court ordered he thought it might help in his court process.

Fast forward to now, he's had 2 major relapses (I'm aware of) and will have his license back shortly( his lawyer got an old DUI tossed on a technicality.)

He comes to meetings sporadically. He texts me on Sunday mornings to take him to a meeting occasionally but I believe he justs wants a ride to work after the meeting.

At a meeting last night, he missed again, I got pulled to the side and told Mike was seen "out" around town again and asked what I wanted to do about it.

Honestly, I want to do nothing about it. I know we need to help others but I believe they must truly want help. I don't think he does. Our bond is we happen to go thru IOP together, that is all. He constantly feels sorry for himself, calls us all losers for being alcoholics, bitches about his lousy telemarketing job and is not great to be around. He's also a deadbeat Dad which I have a huge problem with.I tried to help him after his first relapse but if he's just going to stay on a roller coaster count me out, I don't need this crap.

Most of people I meet in AA are genuine but just like real life we have a few bad eggs.

Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I have to help someone I don't believe is a good man? Do I need to be my brothers keeper if my brother is a Dick?

Carlotta

You can carry the message but you cannot carry the drunk. When he is ready to call it quit, he knows where the meeting is at.

Boleo

You should be READY to help when (and if) he becomes READY to change.

fini

SoberHooligan,
helping someone is a a gift. to them and to us.
what you're describing and how you feel....sounds more like resentful doormatty material.
which probably isn't where/how you want to be.

i could be entirely misreading, of course.

SoberHooligan

Thanks for the responses.

My frustration is that he's not getting it. Is that resentment? perhaps.

I resent the fact he's perceived as my friend and therefore my problem because I brought him to these meetings.

I'm sure I'm sounding cold but I assure you I have tried to help him, but there comes a point where we have to help ourselves.

I've heard the concept that when we see others fail, it helps our own sobriety. I dont feel I need to see this guy fail repeatedly to know thats not the life I want to go back to.

Thanks for listening.

Carlotta

Maybe this will help you, the first 3 steps of Al Anon which is a fellowship for friends and family of alcoholics.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

When it comes to his disease: you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. It is up to him and his higher power. Now he has tools on his belt like your phone number and others' too, a meeting list, a big book etc. what he does with it is up to him. He has first to accept that he is an alcoholic and can never drink safely again and be ok with it, acceptance and surrendering is key. There is nothing you can do, only him can get to this magical moment of clarity and hold on to it.

Boleo

Sounds like sound Al-Anon advise. When dealing with some other persons drinking, we first need to set up boundary's and then learn how to detach from the outcome of our efforts

FeenixxRising

You don't sound cold at all, just the opposite. If you didn't care, you wouldn't be frustrated.

fini

SH,

it is kinda tough when we soooo wantsomeone we care about/for to "get it" and they just don't
been there, done that.
i had to be 'careful' that i didn't fall into some traps: the trap of feeling like i knew better, the trap of feeling responsible, the trap of being too invested, the trap of seeing him as someone who needed ME to point out the way....on and on, many more.

I resent the fact he's perceived as my friend and therefore my problem because I brought him to these meetings.

your perception might be off. could be no-one thinks that. could be everyone knows he's his own problem.

BackToSquareOne

I think that even teachers, programs and all of that can only act as pointers. They can point us in the right direction but we still have free will to take the journey or not. As Boleo always says you do your best then detach from the outcome.