chainfree

I am sick. Sick with a disease that has no cure. I thought I was strong enough, even believed I was ready to be out there defying impulses that are natural for an addict. I was wrong.
I know that I cannot keep hiding in my protective shell, but coming out could be deadly if for one second I stop listening.
You see, I recently made a decision to help my husband with the finances. I wanted to help carry the load. My INTENTIONS were good. I prayed about working as a taxi driver, asked God to protect me, but in my heart I was determined to do this. I THOUGHT it would be easy and profitable. But I soon discovered my perceptions are one thing...reality is another. Immediately on the first day, things were no longer in their proper place. I had a change in attitude, not having time for my family, I became more aggressive in my behavior. Fear of getting sleepy moved me to not take my meds properly. Even worse, I wanted to be alert, so I spent money I could not afford to spend on some pills that contained alot of caffeine. I had heard someone mention they felt like speed, so I went to the store where they were sold. I searched the shelf four times before finding them. Feeling myself become angry until I finally found them. Feeling guilty all the way to the cash register because I knew my behavior was wrong. I felt I was cheating my sobriety in a sense, because all I heard in my head was that "they feel like speed". The pills were expensive, and I knew I would need the cash for gas, but I bought them anyways. I took more than the recommended dosage, because I wanted them "to work". Addiction was began showing itself at a rapid pace.
The first day I worked 10 hours and barely broke even, but I gambled and leased the taxi for another day. I found myself trying to bargain with myself, make deals, negotiate and make excuses that I could make this work...If only I work more hours and hey, maybe I can find a way to rig things up....Oh, this is not looking good.
Later that night, I picked up a couple, who asked me to wait for them, they were just going to collect some money, the woman said. But I recognized the house she went into. You see, I too once went to that same house to buy drugs. So, vehicle I sat and waited for the couple to come back out I found myself now thinking about getting that same high I had the night I went into that house. Finally, too tired to stay awake, I went home and went to sleep until my husband came and woke me up. I had parked the taxi on the street being tired and careless. A head on collision occurred within inches of that taxi. A drunk driver smashed into a parked car in which a man and his daughter sat smoking pot.
My husband freaked out, saying if I had been walking to the car right then, I would have been killed. It was about the time I had told him before I fell asleep that I would be leaving again.
God gave me what I asked for...He protected me. Not only that, but the huge warning signs that the road I was embarking on was a dangerous path made me decide that my sobriety is too precious to risk. Before 2PM that day, I turned the taxi in, never to drive again.
Every choice, every decision we make plays an important part in our recovery.
Stay safe, stay sober. God Bless