Nighthawk8820

So I grew up pretty standard for an American guy, up until I was around 18. I realized I was gay, which I think I always knew, but wasn't ready to admit. During that same year, my parents split up and my world changed. I moved to LA, started scamming people, and just living as a taker...........never giving anything back. I had a sense of self entitlement that would shock most, but I considered it normal. I entered the gay club scene around 21, and took to it like a duck to water. I even became a DJ and a pretty well known one at that. I used people, was self involved, and what some call stuck up and rude.

Partying during this time was fun and I was in control. I had eating issues, and was always working out to keep the ideal male body. It was 2006 when my sister, who was my best friend and rock, was diagnosed with cancer. She died in 2007, and I started going downhill at a rapid rate. I drank like a fish, usually blacking out nightly. I had a friend who was a lonely, heavy girl who enabled me on every level. I didn't work, she paid for the booze. It was a dysfunctional relationship to say the least, but she didn't know better. No longer did I care about working out, how I looked, school, goals, life. I gained 40 pounds and lost my status in all my social circles. I did this cycle of going out, being hungover and binge eating, while dealing with MASSIVE anxiety for 5 years. I watched as my peers moved up and onward in their lives, and my phone never rang. My friends who said they would always be there at my sisters funeral were no longer inviting me to anything, and who could blame them. I went to a xmas party, threw a glass, and pulled the fire alarm in their downtown loft. Would you invite me back?I was depressed and desperate. How did I end up like this? I couldn't even look at my sisters picture on her grave stone when I summoned the courage to go out in the day time to see her grave. I couldn't even go to a gas station alone, and at one time I went to LA alone to be an actor. The changes were startling. I thought I would never get my "swag" back, so why bother?

I even went to a hospital one night because I wanted to stop drinking, but I couldn't. I chickened out and left the waiting room. I would down a 1.75 of Bacardi limon in 1.5 days. Once I passed out on my mothers living room floor, and since she couldnt wake me, she had a meeting with her boss, and county worker in the same living room I was passed out in naked, but covered me with a blanket. I was mortified, had zero confidence, and really couldnt see ever getting back all I had lost.

After a few failed attempts at not drinking, I woke up on Mother's day, May 8th, 2011 and decided I was over it. I didn't know what to expect, but it was either continue and live with paralyzing anxiety, never achieving any of the many goals I had for myself growing up, or I could venture into the unknown and stop alcohol. I opted to make a change. I detoxed on my mom's couch for 2 weeks. I sweated, saw weird black dots, got panic attacks, insomnia, nightmares, and many other symptoms.

After 2 weeks, I started hitting the gym again. Day by day, things changed. My anxiety went WAY down. I learned to deal with the loss of my sister, my parents and family splitting up, the loss of our house due to my Dad's alcoholism, and all the things I was afraid of. I researched the hell out of alcoholism, and it helped that my dad, who had himself gotten sober, was overflowing with information. I started forcing myself to do things that scared me. I went to the store alone. I started with a local gas station, then a grocery store, then walmart (where my first panic attack had occurred). I started surprising myself as old personality traits (the good ones) started coming back. I was funny again and people seemed to find me interesting again. My confidence was going up. I cut ties with old, toxic friends who were not happy with the changes I was making. I learned to be alone and process my thoughts in silence. I learned to like myself again. I lost all the weight I gained drinking and got my model body back, but this time it wasn't to impress others, it was for me.

I finished school and got a job in social work. I work with 4 young men who have mild MR and behavioral issues. I learned to take charge of every aspect of my life; to push myself when scared, and to try and never let myself get to comfortable as I believe that inhibits personal growth. I became excited, elated about all the changes occurring. I started learning to drive at night without fear of police, as for once, I wasn't doing anything illegal. I made friends at work, and shared my story with them. They are supportive and its humbling showing my faults instead of desperately trying to hide them. I learned how to give back and that my sensitive nature and emotional side were strengths instead of always considering them a weakness. I regained my love of animals and helping people, things I grew up enjoying but lost then I lost touch with myself.

I learned that my sexuality is a small part of me, and that I dont have to live a certain way to fit in with the gay population. I learned I am okay being true to myself, and I feel better making my own, clear headed decisions. I even adopted a fat cat that was at a local shelter, and I am a good "parent". This all happened in 2 short years, which makes me so excited to see what happens in the future. For once, I am happy with myself. I am not using people or being fake anymore. I am so humbled by my whole experience and I honestly think it took a tragedy and all the darkness that came with it to reach in and slap my soul back into reality. Its so easy to lose yourself that you dont even know its happening until its often too late. I thank god every single day to be where I am and who I have become. I look back on things I did and who I was and cringe. It seems like another world or life, maybe a bad movie, but nonetheless, not me. Fact is, it was, and I want to embrace that so I can make sure I never, EVER, revert back to being that person.

Now, when I go see my sisters grave, I stand proud and look her picture in the eyes. She would be proud of me, and the odd thing is, I feel a connection with her now I didnt feel at all when I was drinking. That is the light at the end of my tunnel story, I hope you enjoy it or take something from it.


Patrick