My Story - ToddE1
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My Story - ToddE1
A Year in Cyberspace
It's been more than a year since I first stopped drinking. I would like to share my story with you. I do not think I am unusual or that my story is particularly unique. I don't know if it gets told that often though.
I believe there are many valid paths to recovery. I've read a lot on recovery and used a lot of online support. Overall though I pretty much just made my own way. I used a lot of ideas, I learned from others, but I did not follow any particular program. I just quit drinking. That has greatly improved the quality of my life. Now I continue to work on improving it, as a means to assure I never go back to the way I was before.
I believe each person has to find there own path. I am not advocating anyone follow my path. I think you will do much better, if you find one that is right for you.
Part I: A Little Background
I've always been adverse to recovery programs and support groups of any type. I did some outpatient drug rehab/group meetings at 14. Let's just say it wasn't voluntary and it put a bad taste in my mouth for that sort of thing. Although I experimented with pretty much everything when I was younger, I never had any substance abuse issues with anything except alcohol. I was pretty much a heavy daily user for 25 years.
I never had too much problem quitting for a little while. I'd quit for a month or so, to give my system a break. I first started doing these mini-breaks, going back probably 15 years ago. I never meant it to be for ever though, or not go right back to it, after a little dry out period. Quitting under those conditions, isn't too difficult. At least for me, it never was.
About six years ago now I decided to quit for good. That lasted about four months. Probably only the first two, being completely non-drinking. I gave it another solid shot a couple of years later. That time was probably six months with no drinking at all. The last day of a week long business trip I decided it was OK to unwind a little and was right back off to the races.
In 2011 I gave it another try. I quit a few days before the start of the year and went at least seven months, maybe eight. Another business trip ended it though. I was just going to have a one last time. I thought why not, maybe just do it once a year, when I'm out of town. It took a couple weeks or so, but I was right back on again.
The thing is, at least for me, it keeps getting worse, every time you go back to drinking. The progress of downward spiral and higher and higher dosage requirement, didn't seem to stop or even slow down any. After a few weeks the tolerance level would always be back up and then some. By the end there never was that one last time or that happy buzz. By the end I just wanted out.
Part II: A Turning Point
The window between not having enough in you and passing out kept getting smaller, as I kept on going. I don't know if I believe all of the disease model or not. I don't think it matters much either way though. This is defiantly progressive. To that I think most people can agree. I don't think anyone would want it to go as far down the rabbit hole, as it can lead. Not if they really new ahead what it would be like. It's not much fun to need a few in you, just to keep the shakes at bay.
There wasn't any significant outside event that threw the light switch on for me. I really just wanted out. I had come off a very good sober time in 2011 and I knew what it was like to have your life back. I wanted that again. I had tasted freedom and I couldn't keep living in the living hell of dependency. Our loved ones are not necessarily the biggest help either. They want it to go away somehow, but have no understanding of what that entails. It's not their fault really. I wouldn't want to know what this was like, if I didn't have to live through it.
A week or two before I actually quit I remember lying in bed. I probably had taken a couple of drinks and was trying to fall asleep to fight off a bit of delirium. I think I was coming down pretty hard anyway, from couple of extra heavy days previously. I never usually put much stock in the thoughts I have under those conditions. I've never been one to promise myself “I'll never do this again” or “I won't drink tonight” or anything like that. Those thoughts are never true anyway. I would tend to think things like, “this has to end” or “I can't keep doing this”. Those are true and I often had those type of thoughts. This time though I was also having, “my wife is really getting in the way of me stopping”. That is kind of true, only in that she would be fine if somehow I could magically be a moderate drinker.
It went even further than that though. I also started thinking, “I have to get out of here”, “I can't let anyone hold me back”, “If I have to get divorced, so be it”, “If I have to leave my kids, so be it”. I thought, “If I was alone, I could do this”, “If I lock myself away from the world, I can do this”, “No one is going to hold me back”, “I am going to do whatever it takes”.
The actual memory is hazy at best. I am pretty sure I had taken a couple of drinks to ward off possible hallucinations from coming down real hard. I might have drifted a bit into that realm though, who knows? Even if these weren't the exact thought I had, they were of that tone.
I don't want to lose my wife and kids. That was some pretty scary thinking for me. I really wanted to get back to what I considered being on track again. I had tried the one last drink, one last time and knew it was over for me. I wanted out.
Part III: A Virtual Path
I don't recall much of the actual day I quit drinking. It was probably a week or two after when I had decided to quit for good. I hadn't put any plan in place of when I would actually quit. One Friday, not too long after deciding it was time to pull out again, it happened I had not drank too much. I decided to give a shot over the weekend. I used to drink too much to just stop, without slowing down first. I've self detoxed, a lot of times though. I don't recall anything of that Friday as far as drinking, just that I hadn't had a lot and thought it would be a good opportunity over a weekend to give it a shot. That night I went on the internet and looked up something like “How to stop drinking” on *****. I don't know what I was expecting to find, maybe just a little inspiration to keep going through with my plan.
That Saturday I might have had five drinks or so when I woke up. That is more than I would usually need in the morning, but I hadn't had a lot the day before and had the shakes a bit. I was probably nervous, too about actually giving it a try. For the rest of the day I had one drink an hour. It was rough. I think I may have read some more internet articles on drinking, but maybe not. That Sunday I didn't drink at all in the morning or during the day. It was probably past midnight, so technically the next day, but I had maybe six to eight drinks, to make sure I could get to sleep and get to work the next day. Maybe I had one or two in the morning, maybe not. I don't think I drank any that day on Monday or that night. I might have had just a couple the next night or the following though, as a sleep aid. That was it though. Since some time mid March last year I haven't had a drink.
What I did start doing this time that I had not on previous attempts, was reading articles on a recovery sites. I pretty much stopped at the first one of any substance that I found. It is a single author web site, with a lot of recovery articles. The author's name is Patrick Meninga. He had spent over a year in a long term treatment home and spent a couple years active in AA, if I remember correctly. He stressed a holistic style over just a spiritual approach, in his writing. The articles were fine and he had an easy going writing style. He had stopped writing articles on the site by the time I got there. There was also a user forum on the site. I started reading those posts more than the articles. After a few days reading along I joined the conversation. I still post there and follow what's going on with others.
That forum pretty much became my home base for virtual recovery. It's not a very active site. There is not a lot of people on it. There is one long running thread that serves as the main thread. It gets maybe 20 posts a day on average I would guess. All the other threads combined might get another 10 or so. That's it. The whole grand total of posts per day is probably around 30. It does make it pretty easy to keep up with and not to hard to catch back up if you don't check in for a week or two.
In the beginning if I would post something at night, then I'd check back the next morning to see if someone responded or posted a comment. Usually there would be. It really didn't matter what I was asking about. It didn't even matter so much the response. In the beginning, for me anyway, it was just nice to be acknowledged. I often think that is really what a lot of this is all about. I'll figure out what I need to do, on my own. It's just nice to know someone else is out there doing the same. “Hey I know you're there”, is sometimes all I needed to hear. I don't know all the answers. I am not always going to know what to say, how to cheer someone up or if there is any encouragement to offer. I am here though and so are you. Maybe that is all it takes.
One of the other members of my home base site was doing Rational Recovery and talking it up. This was probably in the first of second week of my sobriety. I checked out that website. I liked it the first time I read it, but just skimmed through it. I went back to read more on it and didn't care for it. I don't recall why, it's been too long. It is a for profit recovery program though and I wasn't interested in buying a bunch of how to DVD's, so it might have been as simple as that. I don't mind spending money, but I will check out some of the free options first. Thank you very much. Have a nice day.
If you do a web search for Rational Recovery, that comes up of course, but so does SMART along with the their Wikipedia page. I checked out SMART Recovery. I read everything on that website. Every link, every article, everything. I also read up on other alternative recovery programs. SMART lists LifeRing on their website, along with a couple others. Wikipedia has little snub pages on the same ones and even a few more. SMART is the biggest alternative recovery support though. It has lots of recovery based help tools, articles, a large forum, 24/7 chat that always has people in it, lots of scheduled online meetings and an active well written news letter. There was also a handful of f2f meetings that were reasonably close to me. I did a reasonable search of the others and none compare to the online presence (or f2f for that matter) of SMART. I also like most of their philosophy. That is probably where I would have landed, if I had a computer at the time.
I had a dead hard drive on my PC though and my laptop had been stolen. I had purchased an iPad and didn't see the point in replacing the laptop. We had two computers in the house, so I wasn't in a hurry to fix the one in my office. The iPad doesn't directly view most chat rooms though. There are Apps that get around this. I tried several but they all have one problem. They don't stay connected very long. You can sign into a Chat that apple doesn't directly support viewing, but in 15 to 30 minute at most, you will normally loose connection. If you haven't been to a SMART online meeting, they limit the room to 35 people and they fill up fast. If you get bounce someone will normally get your spot, before you can sign back in. Not ideal if you know you will get bounce 2 or 3 times minimum during the meeting.
The first online meetings I did were SMART online though. There were a couple on Thursday at the same time and they had a late one too, so I had better chance catching most of it. It wasn't the best way to be doing online meetings though.
By that time I checked out the AA website also. Like a lot of people I suppose, I was apprehensive of AA. I liked their website though. It seemed a friendly approach. All the things it talked of, I was OK with. So I clicked on the 12 steps. I don't remember if I read all 12 or not. They are not something I would ever do. Simple as that. I like AA. I like the people in AA. I think the idea of having or being a sponsor has a lot of merit. I'm OK with disease concept. If someone gets sober using the 12 steps or some other spiritual approach, I think that is great. I could never do it. That's all.
As far as online support AA does not have any official online meetings. There are lots of unofficial meetings though and several different websites that offer them. I probably went to at least a dozen or so, AA style online meetings. The site I went to most had 60 to 90 people in a meeting and you could bounce in and out, get back on, no problem. I don't do chat rooms though, for any other reason, except for recovery meetings. It was really too much for me with that many people. It was just too many conversations, even with moderators trying to restrict side baring.
The place I settled in at for most of my online meetings was LifeRing. Of the other alternative recovery groups, it was the only one I found that had online meetings besides SMART. Some would be topic based, but most were “How was your week”. Basically everyone would get a chance to share if they wanted and would just tell how there week was or if they had anything coming up that they have concerns with. It is a recovery meeting, so a lot would be if you had a sobriety issue. It could be about anything though. Getting yourself right mental health-wise is important. Talking out and issues even if they don't seem directly recovery related, can be helpful too.
LifeRing's basic philosophy if your were to sum it up is, “Don't drink or use no matter what.” (I think that would be for AA too). LifeRing assumes you are there seeking abstinence. Other than that it is pretty open to that you will figure it out on your own and pick what works best for you. The other people in the group are there for support and offer advice if you need. The rest is up to you. For someone like me, that basically was always just doing this on my own previously, that approach fits well enough. They also had some workbook meetings online when I started, but don't think they have currently. I never went to any and never bought the workbook though.
They did have a couple other LifeRing books besides the workbook. I bought one called Empowering Your Sober Self, as an e-book. It was OK, but I didn't really use anything from it. The only thing I recall from it, was it mentioned the workbook, e-mail groups, the support meetings, etc. and said use as much or as little of this as you want. I liked that part. I did buy the SMART workbook. I read maybe the first half or so. I had already read there whole website, so it was just pretty much rehash at that point. I picked up a few other books along the way as well. They were recommended by people on my home base site or on recommended lists from one of the websites. They included one on REBT by Albert Ellis, a study version of Tao Te Ching by Wayne Dyer, one on Motivational Interviewing and even though not exactly recovery related, Wild by Cheryl Strayed. Her issue was more over coming grief and coming of age, even though she was dabbling with heroin. It was good book though and I think was good reading for someone in recovery. I read tons of other books too. Not to learn about recovery, but to help get me through it.
In the beginning, online meetings were very important for me. I did 3 or 4 a week the first several months. Then that tapered back. By six months I was doing only 2 or 3 a month. I tried a couple of f2f meetings. Three SMART and one AA. They were fine. I understand that probably being with real people instead of virtual people is important, for a lot of people. By the time I went to them though, I had settled in already on the online meetings. That was more than enough, for me. To be honest after the first little bit, I didn't get too much myself form the meetings. Same with the recovery forum. It was fine to check in and have a sense of shared experience. As far as helping after the first 90 days, it wasn't critical. I kept doing it, but would have tapered down and probably would have stopped sooner or later.
Eventually, the holidays came up. I don't know that I have official seasonal disorder or not, but I dislike the holiday season and get down a bit that time of year. Also the first year or so of being sober you have all the “firsts” to deal with. First wedding, business trip, vacation, birthday, New Years, office party, family reunion, Fourth of July, etc. A person can settle into day to day sobriety relatively quickly, but all the out of your element and special occasions keep you on your toes for a long time. That is one thing I really didn't have to deal with. I had done all the first before, in previous attempts. I went on vacation to Disney and stayed in a Condo with the wife's parents with only 20 days or so in at the time. It wasn't that big a deal. It that would have been the first time I ever tried quitting, I am sure it would have been a recipe for disaster.
The holidays I wasn't concerned with loosing my sobriety exactly, but I figured it was going to be rough. It was the only first I had to deal with my first year. I had actually not drank on Christmas one time, but I had never gone the entire month of December. Every other month I had been sober for at one point or another, previously (not consecutively, but individually). I went back to my virtual support. I checked my home forum daily. I did 3 or 4 online meetings a week. I also started writing some sober reflection articles. More like a blog entry or essay type things, then just a regular forum post. That I found was really helpful. Just getting those ideas out of you head and onto some virtual paper, it's amazing how healing that can be.
So that's about it for my online journey to date. I didn't work any particular program, but I used online for the support I needed. On the forum I made about 300 posts. About half were on recovery talk, with the other half being general discussion or exercise check in thread. I wrote about 30 reflection articles. I attended about 100 online meetings or at least close to that. Probably 60/30/10 split LifeRing/SMART/AA. I didn't really use any SMART tools, but I liked VACI concept (don't recall what that stands for exactly), which has to do with moving beyond just not drinking and improving your life in other aspects and/or having a fulfilling life. I also do a rough approximation of CBT in my head, which is “as I do it”, but probably not “how they teach it”. I think they it is the one they call ABC (don't recall what that stands for exactly), which has to do with challenging irrational beliefs and not jumping to conclusions of what other people are thinking. I wouldn't mind getting back to looking into the actual way of doing that again at some point.
There are a couple other things I did too. I meditated a bit, but mostly in the beginning. I did a bit of baking. In 2011 that was what I primarily did to keep myself active, so I am pretty good at it. It is still fun to do, but not challenging. My one son was into string tricks last year, so I learned a few to teach him. Hand string tricks like, cats cradle, Jacobs ladder, witch's broom. These are very simple ones, but some are very complex. There are some recorded by anthropologists with bad illustrations and missing instructions, which can be a bit getting through. I bought several books. The ones by Canadian Eskimos and certain Polynesian peoples are the most challenging, but with a good instructions and illustrations and lots of practice, you can get some amazing ones down pat. That was last fall though. After awhile it doesn't take as much to get them down quickly, and I don't have any particular cultural interest in them, it was just something to do. I also started exercising regularly. That helps with keeping emotional balance, for me I think it does anyway.
Doing something, anything really, I think is important. I am a believer in personal growth and lifestyle balance as important for long term recovery. I don't think it's an absolute requirement. I just thinks it improves your chances of making it stick for good. I think that is what was missing on my previous attempts. Also I think I accept now that this is forever. Holding onto a fantasy that you can ever drink again doesn't have any place in recovery, for me at least. As destructive as my drinking was and as long ago as it was actually still fun to be drinking, the fantasy that you can still do it again somehow at some point in the future wasn't easy to give up.
Part IV: What's Next
I don't know for sure would be the quick answer. I read somewhere that there isn't a significant difference in percentage of people who don't relapse, within AA, based on whether they have a sponsor or don't have a sponsor. People who become sponsors however, have a much lower percentage of relapse than those who do not become sponsors. This is the internet of course, so I take most stories, which don't explicitly cite their sources, with a grain of salt. That one seems reasonable though. You learn a lot of things or become more of an expert in other areas of your life, by teaching others. Why would it be different in recovery.
I am not in AA, so I don't have the opportunity to become a sponsor. I did volunteer to become a moderator for an online support meeting though. It's only been 4 weeks I think, on that now, but it seems like it will be helpful. I don't see that as something I will do forever. Maybe a couple of years though. It will keep me involved a lot longer than I would have stayed otherwise. Not to say if I have a need again I wouldn't pick back up again. Probably next year at the Holidays again, I would tend to pick up with meetings again, even if I stopped going. At least so far I like to be able to work on the flow of the meeting. Basically it still gives me a reason for being there.
I might start a f2f meeting also. Even though I didn't use that myself, it seems to still be an important avenue for a lot of others. SMART has a facilitator training. I think I will take that. Even if I don't do a f2f meeting, I think they teach some good ideas, so it wouldn't hurt to go through. If I do start a f2f meeting, I would want to do it as a SMART meeting. I don't think the brand is that important, but there are already SMART meetings near me, so that would just make the most sense to me. As far as helping others I don't really see myself as a teacher or one to give advice. I see myself more of the “If you need to come in out of the rain, I'll open the door for you” type.
Thanks for reading
It's been more than a year since I first stopped drinking. I would like to share my story with you. I do not think I am unusual or that my story is particularly unique. I don't know if it gets told that often though.
I believe there are many valid paths to recovery. I've read a lot on recovery and used a lot of online support. Overall though I pretty much just made my own way. I used a lot of ideas, I learned from others, but I did not follow any particular program. I just quit drinking. That has greatly improved the quality of my life. Now I continue to work on improving it, as a means to assure I never go back to the way I was before.
I believe each person has to find there own path. I am not advocating anyone follow my path. I think you will do much better, if you find one that is right for you.
Part I: A Little Background
I've always been adverse to recovery programs and support groups of any type. I did some outpatient drug rehab/group meetings at 14. Let's just say it wasn't voluntary and it put a bad taste in my mouth for that sort of thing. Although I experimented with pretty much everything when I was younger, I never had any substance abuse issues with anything except alcohol. I was pretty much a heavy daily user for 25 years.
I never had too much problem quitting for a little while. I'd quit for a month or so, to give my system a break. I first started doing these mini-breaks, going back probably 15 years ago. I never meant it to be for ever though, or not go right back to it, after a little dry out period. Quitting under those conditions, isn't too difficult. At least for me, it never was.
About six years ago now I decided to quit for good. That lasted about four months. Probably only the first two, being completely non-drinking. I gave it another solid shot a couple of years later. That time was probably six months with no drinking at all. The last day of a week long business trip I decided it was OK to unwind a little and was right back off to the races.
In 2011 I gave it another try. I quit a few days before the start of the year and went at least seven months, maybe eight. Another business trip ended it though. I was just going to have a one last time. I thought why not, maybe just do it once a year, when I'm out of town. It took a couple weeks or so, but I was right back on again.
The thing is, at least for me, it keeps getting worse, every time you go back to drinking. The progress of downward spiral and higher and higher dosage requirement, didn't seem to stop or even slow down any. After a few weeks the tolerance level would always be back up and then some. By the end there never was that one last time or that happy buzz. By the end I just wanted out.
Part II: A Turning Point
The window between not having enough in you and passing out kept getting smaller, as I kept on going. I don't know if I believe all of the disease model or not. I don't think it matters much either way though. This is defiantly progressive. To that I think most people can agree. I don't think anyone would want it to go as far down the rabbit hole, as it can lead. Not if they really new ahead what it would be like. It's not much fun to need a few in you, just to keep the shakes at bay.
There wasn't any significant outside event that threw the light switch on for me. I really just wanted out. I had come off a very good sober time in 2011 and I knew what it was like to have your life back. I wanted that again. I had tasted freedom and I couldn't keep living in the living hell of dependency. Our loved ones are not necessarily the biggest help either. They want it to go away somehow, but have no understanding of what that entails. It's not their fault really. I wouldn't want to know what this was like, if I didn't have to live through it.
A week or two before I actually quit I remember lying in bed. I probably had taken a couple of drinks and was trying to fall asleep to fight off a bit of delirium. I think I was coming down pretty hard anyway, from couple of extra heavy days previously. I never usually put much stock in the thoughts I have under those conditions. I've never been one to promise myself “I'll never do this again” or “I won't drink tonight” or anything like that. Those thoughts are never true anyway. I would tend to think things like, “this has to end” or “I can't keep doing this”. Those are true and I often had those type of thoughts. This time though I was also having, “my wife is really getting in the way of me stopping”. That is kind of true, only in that she would be fine if somehow I could magically be a moderate drinker.
It went even further than that though. I also started thinking, “I have to get out of here”, “I can't let anyone hold me back”, “If I have to get divorced, so be it”, “If I have to leave my kids, so be it”. I thought, “If I was alone, I could do this”, “If I lock myself away from the world, I can do this”, “No one is going to hold me back”, “I am going to do whatever it takes”.
The actual memory is hazy at best. I am pretty sure I had taken a couple of drinks to ward off possible hallucinations from coming down real hard. I might have drifted a bit into that realm though, who knows? Even if these weren't the exact thought I had, they were of that tone.
I don't want to lose my wife and kids. That was some pretty scary thinking for me. I really wanted to get back to what I considered being on track again. I had tried the one last drink, one last time and knew it was over for me. I wanted out.
Part III: A Virtual Path
I don't recall much of the actual day I quit drinking. It was probably a week or two after when I had decided to quit for good. I hadn't put any plan in place of when I would actually quit. One Friday, not too long after deciding it was time to pull out again, it happened I had not drank too much. I decided to give a shot over the weekend. I used to drink too much to just stop, without slowing down first. I've self detoxed, a lot of times though. I don't recall anything of that Friday as far as drinking, just that I hadn't had a lot and thought it would be a good opportunity over a weekend to give it a shot. That night I went on the internet and looked up something like “How to stop drinking” on *****. I don't know what I was expecting to find, maybe just a little inspiration to keep going through with my plan.
That Saturday I might have had five drinks or so when I woke up. That is more than I would usually need in the morning, but I hadn't had a lot the day before and had the shakes a bit. I was probably nervous, too about actually giving it a try. For the rest of the day I had one drink an hour. It was rough. I think I may have read some more internet articles on drinking, but maybe not. That Sunday I didn't drink at all in the morning or during the day. It was probably past midnight, so technically the next day, but I had maybe six to eight drinks, to make sure I could get to sleep and get to work the next day. Maybe I had one or two in the morning, maybe not. I don't think I drank any that day on Monday or that night. I might have had just a couple the next night or the following though, as a sleep aid. That was it though. Since some time mid March last year I haven't had a drink.
What I did start doing this time that I had not on previous attempts, was reading articles on a recovery sites. I pretty much stopped at the first one of any substance that I found. It is a single author web site, with a lot of recovery articles. The author's name is Patrick Meninga. He had spent over a year in a long term treatment home and spent a couple years active in AA, if I remember correctly. He stressed a holistic style over just a spiritual approach, in his writing. The articles were fine and he had an easy going writing style. He had stopped writing articles on the site by the time I got there. There was also a user forum on the site. I started reading those posts more than the articles. After a few days reading along I joined the conversation. I still post there and follow what's going on with others.
That forum pretty much became my home base for virtual recovery. It's not a very active site. There is not a lot of people on it. There is one long running thread that serves as the main thread. It gets maybe 20 posts a day on average I would guess. All the other threads combined might get another 10 or so. That's it. The whole grand total of posts per day is probably around 30. It does make it pretty easy to keep up with and not to hard to catch back up if you don't check in for a week or two.
In the beginning if I would post something at night, then I'd check back the next morning to see if someone responded or posted a comment. Usually there would be. It really didn't matter what I was asking about. It didn't even matter so much the response. In the beginning, for me anyway, it was just nice to be acknowledged. I often think that is really what a lot of this is all about. I'll figure out what I need to do, on my own. It's just nice to know someone else is out there doing the same. “Hey I know you're there”, is sometimes all I needed to hear. I don't know all the answers. I am not always going to know what to say, how to cheer someone up or if there is any encouragement to offer. I am here though and so are you. Maybe that is all it takes.
One of the other members of my home base site was doing Rational Recovery and talking it up. This was probably in the first of second week of my sobriety. I checked out that website. I liked it the first time I read it, but just skimmed through it. I went back to read more on it and didn't care for it. I don't recall why, it's been too long. It is a for profit recovery program though and I wasn't interested in buying a bunch of how to DVD's, so it might have been as simple as that. I don't mind spending money, but I will check out some of the free options first. Thank you very much. Have a nice day.
If you do a web search for Rational Recovery, that comes up of course, but so does SMART along with the their Wikipedia page. I checked out SMART Recovery. I read everything on that website. Every link, every article, everything. I also read up on other alternative recovery programs. SMART lists LifeRing on their website, along with a couple others. Wikipedia has little snub pages on the same ones and even a few more. SMART is the biggest alternative recovery support though. It has lots of recovery based help tools, articles, a large forum, 24/7 chat that always has people in it, lots of scheduled online meetings and an active well written news letter. There was also a handful of f2f meetings that were reasonably close to me. I did a reasonable search of the others and none compare to the online presence (or f2f for that matter) of SMART. I also like most of their philosophy. That is probably where I would have landed, if I had a computer at the time.
I had a dead hard drive on my PC though and my laptop had been stolen. I had purchased an iPad and didn't see the point in replacing the laptop. We had two computers in the house, so I wasn't in a hurry to fix the one in my office. The iPad doesn't directly view most chat rooms though. There are Apps that get around this. I tried several but they all have one problem. They don't stay connected very long. You can sign into a Chat that apple doesn't directly support viewing, but in 15 to 30 minute at most, you will normally loose connection. If you haven't been to a SMART online meeting, they limit the room to 35 people and they fill up fast. If you get bounce someone will normally get your spot, before you can sign back in. Not ideal if you know you will get bounce 2 or 3 times minimum during the meeting.
The first online meetings I did were SMART online though. There were a couple on Thursday at the same time and they had a late one too, so I had better chance catching most of it. It wasn't the best way to be doing online meetings though.
By that time I checked out the AA website also. Like a lot of people I suppose, I was apprehensive of AA. I liked their website though. It seemed a friendly approach. All the things it talked of, I was OK with. So I clicked on the 12 steps. I don't remember if I read all 12 or not. They are not something I would ever do. Simple as that. I like AA. I like the people in AA. I think the idea of having or being a sponsor has a lot of merit. I'm OK with disease concept. If someone gets sober using the 12 steps or some other spiritual approach, I think that is great. I could never do it. That's all.
As far as online support AA does not have any official online meetings. There are lots of unofficial meetings though and several different websites that offer them. I probably went to at least a dozen or so, AA style online meetings. The site I went to most had 60 to 90 people in a meeting and you could bounce in and out, get back on, no problem. I don't do chat rooms though, for any other reason, except for recovery meetings. It was really too much for me with that many people. It was just too many conversations, even with moderators trying to restrict side baring.
The place I settled in at for most of my online meetings was LifeRing. Of the other alternative recovery groups, it was the only one I found that had online meetings besides SMART. Some would be topic based, but most were “How was your week”. Basically everyone would get a chance to share if they wanted and would just tell how there week was or if they had anything coming up that they have concerns with. It is a recovery meeting, so a lot would be if you had a sobriety issue. It could be about anything though. Getting yourself right mental health-wise is important. Talking out and issues even if they don't seem directly recovery related, can be helpful too.
LifeRing's basic philosophy if your were to sum it up is, “Don't drink or use no matter what.” (I think that would be for AA too). LifeRing assumes you are there seeking abstinence. Other than that it is pretty open to that you will figure it out on your own and pick what works best for you. The other people in the group are there for support and offer advice if you need. The rest is up to you. For someone like me, that basically was always just doing this on my own previously, that approach fits well enough. They also had some workbook meetings online when I started, but don't think they have currently. I never went to any and never bought the workbook though.
They did have a couple other LifeRing books besides the workbook. I bought one called Empowering Your Sober Self, as an e-book. It was OK, but I didn't really use anything from it. The only thing I recall from it, was it mentioned the workbook, e-mail groups, the support meetings, etc. and said use as much or as little of this as you want. I liked that part. I did buy the SMART workbook. I read maybe the first half or so. I had already read there whole website, so it was just pretty much rehash at that point. I picked up a few other books along the way as well. They were recommended by people on my home base site or on recommended lists from one of the websites. They included one on REBT by Albert Ellis, a study version of Tao Te Ching by Wayne Dyer, one on Motivational Interviewing and even though not exactly recovery related, Wild by Cheryl Strayed. Her issue was more over coming grief and coming of age, even though she was dabbling with heroin. It was good book though and I think was good reading for someone in recovery. I read tons of other books too. Not to learn about recovery, but to help get me through it.
In the beginning, online meetings were very important for me. I did 3 or 4 a week the first several months. Then that tapered back. By six months I was doing only 2 or 3 a month. I tried a couple of f2f meetings. Three SMART and one AA. They were fine. I understand that probably being with real people instead of virtual people is important, for a lot of people. By the time I went to them though, I had settled in already on the online meetings. That was more than enough, for me. To be honest after the first little bit, I didn't get too much myself form the meetings. Same with the recovery forum. It was fine to check in and have a sense of shared experience. As far as helping after the first 90 days, it wasn't critical. I kept doing it, but would have tapered down and probably would have stopped sooner or later.
Eventually, the holidays came up. I don't know that I have official seasonal disorder or not, but I dislike the holiday season and get down a bit that time of year. Also the first year or so of being sober you have all the “firsts” to deal with. First wedding, business trip, vacation, birthday, New Years, office party, family reunion, Fourth of July, etc. A person can settle into day to day sobriety relatively quickly, but all the out of your element and special occasions keep you on your toes for a long time. That is one thing I really didn't have to deal with. I had done all the first before, in previous attempts. I went on vacation to Disney and stayed in a Condo with the wife's parents with only 20 days or so in at the time. It wasn't that big a deal. It that would have been the first time I ever tried quitting, I am sure it would have been a recipe for disaster.
The holidays I wasn't concerned with loosing my sobriety exactly, but I figured it was going to be rough. It was the only first I had to deal with my first year. I had actually not drank on Christmas one time, but I had never gone the entire month of December. Every other month I had been sober for at one point or another, previously (not consecutively, but individually). I went back to my virtual support. I checked my home forum daily. I did 3 or 4 online meetings a week. I also started writing some sober reflection articles. More like a blog entry or essay type things, then just a regular forum post. That I found was really helpful. Just getting those ideas out of you head and onto some virtual paper, it's amazing how healing that can be.
So that's about it for my online journey to date. I didn't work any particular program, but I used online for the support I needed. On the forum I made about 300 posts. About half were on recovery talk, with the other half being general discussion or exercise check in thread. I wrote about 30 reflection articles. I attended about 100 online meetings or at least close to that. Probably 60/30/10 split LifeRing/SMART/AA. I didn't really use any SMART tools, but I liked VACI concept (don't recall what that stands for exactly), which has to do with moving beyond just not drinking and improving your life in other aspects and/or having a fulfilling life. I also do a rough approximation of CBT in my head, which is “as I do it”, but probably not “how they teach it”. I think they it is the one they call ABC (don't recall what that stands for exactly), which has to do with challenging irrational beliefs and not jumping to conclusions of what other people are thinking. I wouldn't mind getting back to looking into the actual way of doing that again at some point.
There are a couple other things I did too. I meditated a bit, but mostly in the beginning. I did a bit of baking. In 2011 that was what I primarily did to keep myself active, so I am pretty good at it. It is still fun to do, but not challenging. My one son was into string tricks last year, so I learned a few to teach him. Hand string tricks like, cats cradle, Jacobs ladder, witch's broom. These are very simple ones, but some are very complex. There are some recorded by anthropologists with bad illustrations and missing instructions, which can be a bit getting through. I bought several books. The ones by Canadian Eskimos and certain Polynesian peoples are the most challenging, but with a good instructions and illustrations and lots of practice, you can get some amazing ones down pat. That was last fall though. After awhile it doesn't take as much to get them down quickly, and I don't have any particular cultural interest in them, it was just something to do. I also started exercising regularly. That helps with keeping emotional balance, for me I think it does anyway.
Doing something, anything really, I think is important. I am a believer in personal growth and lifestyle balance as important for long term recovery. I don't think it's an absolute requirement. I just thinks it improves your chances of making it stick for good. I think that is what was missing on my previous attempts. Also I think I accept now that this is forever. Holding onto a fantasy that you can ever drink again doesn't have any place in recovery, for me at least. As destructive as my drinking was and as long ago as it was actually still fun to be drinking, the fantasy that you can still do it again somehow at some point in the future wasn't easy to give up.
Part IV: What's Next
I don't know for sure would be the quick answer. I read somewhere that there isn't a significant difference in percentage of people who don't relapse, within AA, based on whether they have a sponsor or don't have a sponsor. People who become sponsors however, have a much lower percentage of relapse than those who do not become sponsors. This is the internet of course, so I take most stories, which don't explicitly cite their sources, with a grain of salt. That one seems reasonable though. You learn a lot of things or become more of an expert in other areas of your life, by teaching others. Why would it be different in recovery.
I am not in AA, so I don't have the opportunity to become a sponsor. I did volunteer to become a moderator for an online support meeting though. It's only been 4 weeks I think, on that now, but it seems like it will be helpful. I don't see that as something I will do forever. Maybe a couple of years though. It will keep me involved a lot longer than I would have stayed otherwise. Not to say if I have a need again I wouldn't pick back up again. Probably next year at the Holidays again, I would tend to pick up with meetings again, even if I stopped going. At least so far I like to be able to work on the flow of the meeting. Basically it still gives me a reason for being there.
I might start a f2f meeting also. Even though I didn't use that myself, it seems to still be an important avenue for a lot of others. SMART has a facilitator training. I think I will take that. Even if I don't do a f2f meeting, I think they teach some good ideas, so it wouldn't hurt to go through. If I do start a f2f meeting, I would want to do it as a SMART meeting. I don't think the brand is that important, but there are already SMART meetings near me, so that would just make the most sense to me. As far as helping others I don't really see myself as a teacher or one to give advice. I see myself more of the “If you need to come in out of the rain, I'll open the door for you” type.
Thanks for reading
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