snowman2154

I have been thinking about an amend I will have to make in the future and I am not sure about it.

In college almost 15 years ago, I was at a party and towards the end of the party it was just me a couple of guys who lived at the house and this gal who was passed out. The guys at the house groped this woman and I was horrified, but did nothing. They then took her into a room with some other people and I left the party and walked home. The guilt and shame I have is about my inaction in that situation. This gal was obviously in a vulnerable position and I just let whatever happened to her happen.

My question is this? I am not sure I can make amends to her. I don't know her name, nor really anything about her. What do you do in this type of situation?

Leadfoot

Interesting. If we go to the book it says that there some wrongs that we can never fully right but we don't worry about them if we can honestly say that we would if we could. Then the amend becomes something between you and God. As long as you can put yourself right with God somehow that's all anyone can ask. I know some people that would make the situation right by making a donation of money or your time to an organization that deals with victims of sexual abuse. I know a person who stops his car to pick up road debris and take it to a proper trash can. He came up with that one while meditating and asking what Gods will for him was. Now he feels better because he's making an amend to God where he couldn't make one to the person. Remember, as the book says, "God is either everything or he is nothing". I don't think that it's a direct quote but I placed it in quotes anyways.
That's what you have to go with for now but let me ask this. With an amend being an action to right a wrong that you've done, what would you do if you could get in touch with this person?

Fernaceman

I went through a very very similar situation. You are not alone with the guilt you are feeling about this.

But, Leadfoot made some very good and valid points in his response.

Have you spoken with your sponsor about it??

snowman2154

Thanks... I am actually fairly new to AA (one week), but I already read the Big Book and when I read the sections on wrongs and amends that situation came flying back. I know now is not the time as I need to get a sponsor and work the steps, but I was just thinking about it.

Thanks for the feedback. I will think about options on this one. There are two situations in my past life that I harbor a lot of guilt and shame about and this is one of them. The other was an abortion a woman had that I did not know about.

They both will be my toughest amend items when I get to that step.

Fernaceman

Go easy on yourself. Take it easy. One thing at a time. Focus on getting a sponsor and starting the step work. The rest will fall into place when it needs to. There is no need to worry or consume your thoughts with the future right now.

Twobitts

In my opinion, some amends are made by changing your life NOW and doing better NOW. Amends (said snd unsaid) come from you being a different person. Best of luck!

Bubovski

You could say a little prayer for whoever? and I'm agnostic.......

That's the second A.A rule that bothers me.

No booze 4 weeks.

karilynn27

As a trauma survivor myself, it could be very difficult for a stranger to pop up and dredge up issues from my past.

Sasha4

I had a situation from a couple of years ago I was not proud of.
It still haunts me today.

It involved a mum hitting her child.
Not a smack, but punching her head.

I've never forgotten it and I wish I had intervened, whether that was a right or wrong thing to do.

I just decided to take a personal stand from this moment on that if I see someone doing something cruel to another person, child or adult, I will not stand by and let it happen.

I don't care if the person am I with does not agree.
I don't care if it makes a scene.
If the person I am with is that bothered by it, they can choose not to be with me again.
Or I might make that choice for them.

I don't know what you should do about the amend and the girl, but at least you know what to do in the future.

bbthumper

Step 9 is step 9 for a reason. We do it after the first 8. 1 gets us ready for2. 2 gets us ready for 3. 3 for 4 etc.
Amends to people you dont know are common, but you're concern should be on 1-8 right now.
God Bless!

splendra

I agree with this the time for making amends will come. I hope you will work the steps with a sponcer and when the time comes for this amend you will have a good foundation and more strength. Right now it is more important that you learn to stsy sober. Don't get ahead of yourself and be gentle wirh yourself.

Tommyh

good question,simple answer
here is what I need to do,and have done in that almost exact situation.
If I run into her,I need to speak with her in a not so blunt way so as to not embarrass or humiliate her.
In the meanwhile,I never let it happen to another woman.
Never again! We man up and do the right thing,regardless of what those other guys say or think.
I`m speaking from my experience.

sugarbear1

when you get to step 9, you will know how to treat all women better under any circumstance

you may give a donation or volunteer with a women's abuse program or maybe a shelter, if they need male assistance

you and your sponsor will discuss and plan what needs to be done at that time

as noted, the steps are in an order for a reason, so try sticking with just today and learn to live in the immediate moment in time, it's all we have right now.

paul99

I have to say that my first reactions was the same - doing some work with abused women - volunteering in some way (having said that, a man working in an abused women's shelter or such probably doesn't happen, for obvious reasons). What my wife and I do is donate women't clothes and children's toys to a shelter - we call ahead and they tell us where to drop it off, as it's a safe place and not advertised.

But first things first - get a sponsor, work the steps as outlined in that lovely big book you have. I admire your self-awareness and willingness so early on. wonderful.

cheers

snowman2154

I have actually been working on a lot of this stuff with a therapist for a long time. Just not in the context of AA.

sugarbear1

This was put in the AA 9th step section of the AA 12 step forums so I guess I thought you were putting this in context of AA.

AA is a bit different than therapy....not quite the same things