My Story - Artsoul

Old 09-29-2012, 05:26 PM
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My Story - Artsoul

My Story - Artsoul

I don't know why or how I became an alcoholic. It doesn't really matter. My only question is: what can I do to stay sober today?

Looking back, I don't think there was ever a time when I wanted to stop after a drink or two. The first time I drank found me vomiting in the bathroom. I didn't think much about it at the time - for the next 15 years, I continued to drink to excess a few times a month when I was partying with friends. I didn't give alcohol any thought when I wasn't drinking.

Later on, with two babies and a husband who snored and had sleep apnea, I learned that a couple beers helped me get to sleep. It even helped turn my mind off, and that was an amazing feeling. I believe it was then that something changed in the way I looked at alcohol.

It didn't take long - maybe a year or two - before I wanted to drink every night. Even if it was only a few beers, it was a struggle to go for days without it. Little did I know, once the battle started, I would never again have a nonchalant attitude towards alcohol. After working up to 4-5 beers most nights and finally admitting I wasn't able to cut down or stop on my own, I put myself in treatment for 30 days. There I was also able to get help with depression (an ongoing problem before I started drinking) - I was feeling on top of the world when I left.

I stayed sober for 4 years, attending AA, but started drinking again after the dissolution of my marriage of 14 years. After another treatment and another 4 year period of sobriety, I relapsed again. This time, however, led me to drinking a bottle of wine most nights and I found out what it was like to wake up with horrible hangovers, dreading the day. I noticed my hands were shaky and I was sometimes sore where my liver was. I got scared and started looking things up online when I found this forum. I started coming here while drinking - It didn't get me sober, but it gave me hope and it felt a little better knowing others had the same struggle.

One day, a couple months down the road on particularly bad morning, I experienced a startling moment of clarity. I saw my future - the one I would have if I didn't get sober. It wasn't pretty. But what really shook me up was seeing, in my minds eye, the suffering of people I loved who would have to watch the whole process, watch me decline, even watch me die. I had never stopped to think about that side of things, nor had I ever thought about who would take care of me if I could no longer care for myself or how long the suffering would last. I had only thought about how much life would suck without being able to drink - how would I cope?

Up to that point I had tried and tried to cut down but wasn't having any success. Still, I always thought "I'll get sober - someday." Now it was dawning on me that I'd spent 7 years putting off getting sober again. I'd been in treatment twice, for God's sake, and hundreds of AA meetings! Chances were slim that I would miraculously find a way to drink socially after all this time or wake up one day in the near future and find that my desire to drink had somehow disappeared.

After a couple drinks to get up the nerve, I managed to make my first post on SR. I was terrified, but once the responses started coming, it was amazing - I felt the encouragement here as though it were an energy coming right through my laptop screen. That night I went to bed determined that the next day would be day 1 of my sobriety. I didn't even know if I could last a day, but I figured if I could stay sober for a minute, that's where I'd start. And I did, clinging to SR the whole time.

That first day, 2 1/2 years ago, was the longest day of my life. It was also the best day of my life. I was given a gift: a glimpse of my future and new friends at SR to help me change it. Now I'm finding real solutions to my problems and the joy of life has returned. I come here every day because I never, ever, want to believe again that "one drink won't hurt."

If I were to say anything to someone just starting out, it would be: Whatever it takes to get sober, do it. Don't think about it - just do it. Don't worry about knowing how to do it ahead of time. The knowledge, strength and desire to stay sober will come as you go, minute by minute, one day at a time. Don't listen to the voice of fear - it knows nothing and will always steer you wrong. And be patient with yourself. You are learning. It really will get better.
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