Misguided

This ended up longer than I thought but here it goes...

There is a particular person who was a friend for 20 years that I feel like I need to make amends with. Our friendship was a very rocky one when I look back on it as a whole. I really don't know who was the culprit of all the fighting -- it was probably an equal amount on both ends as the friendship started during pre-teen years. Most of the younger year fights were reconciled within in a couple months via email, letter or similar. I know I did my fair share of hurting her & finger pointing for blame, especially during the last couple of years when I was pretty bad off, which in turn caused the final ending of the friendship and a large amount of drama since we had a lot of mutual friends. It's been almost 4 years since I've talked to her.

I've had thoughts over the last couple of years about contacting her to make amends but always scared to. I wasn't sure if it would open a door that needs to remain shut. I wasn't sure if it would start unneccessary drama. I'm not trying to reconcile the friendship by doing so because there were just too many acts of unfriendliness between us. I don't think we'd be a good pair of friends even as "grown ups" because there would be a major lack of trust on both sides. I also know that's not what making amends is about, but I guess I fear she will see it as me attempting to reconscile.

There are many reasons I can think of why amends should just be left alone in this situation, but there is something pressing me to make amends. I haven't figured it out exactly. Part of it is a recent occurrence with someone else that was like a slap in the face with karma on how I treated people when I was not sober. I recently felt betrayed & taken for granted, and all I can think of is the person who was part of my life for 20 years asking myself if that's how I made them feel because it's awful. (I'm sure I did) I don't know if it's worth even attempting to make amends or not. So is it? (What would you do?)

The last thing is, I know you are supposed to make direct amends when possible, but I have no idea when I might see this person again as I moved to a different city. I avoid traveling back to the old city as much as possible because there are too many bad vibes and memories there. However, this person has been on my mind a lot lately and if amending is what I need to do to settle my brain, I think it's better now than waiting until I see her again because that could be never. Is a written amends really something to avoid?

wow04

"Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." This is the 9th step.

What you need to ask yourself is if it would harm her or others if you made the amends. If it wouldn't injure or harm her, then you are to make the amends.

I recommend reading step 9 in the 12 & 12 book.

twilli59

Hi - I tried not to read the other replies, so I could go with my own instinct. There is a lot to read there, and it's a complicated relationship. But, it's about you getting free. I was told that on ones like this, REALLY follow the book, make sure there is no ego (I kept thinking I had to make amends to people who had just drifted out of my life - like it was always my fault. Not so. A lot of it was me wanting to show them I was sober, doing better, etc.) I don't think you would write about it if it wasn't a thorn in your recovery. Take care.

CarolD

ald5978...
Welcome to our recovery community

You could write an amends and never mail it...see if that
settles your mind. Pray to be lead on the matter.

Wait a bit....then make a decision to mail it and maybe
don't put any contact numbers or address back to you.

What is your sponsor saying on this situation?

Misguided

I've done a little reading and searching. I don't think it would injure or harm her but I second guess everything I do and doubt myself with thoughts that maybe everyone doesn't think or feel the same way I do.

Thanks...your response definitely gives me a bit to think about.

Thanks for the welcome.

While I'm a little over a year and a half into sobriety, I don't have a sponsor. I moved from the city where I went to weekly meetings and didn't get a sponsor before I left. Once I moved, I went back for my year anniversary meeting but didn't continue in the new city. I was there for the first 10 months of my sobriety. I know, many people say having a sponsor is super important, but between the private therapist and the awesome support group, I've managed to do well without one. So to answer your question, my "sponsor" does not say anything about the situation :p

sugarbear1

What is your motivation to do this amends? A sponsor can give you some real insight!

Best wishes,

Gottalife

Just a thought, but have you completed the previous 8 steps? Reading the first paragraph of your post, your uncertainty about causes and conditions throws some doubt on this.

Had you completed a fearless and searching moral inventory you would know precisely the nature of the problems in this relationship, where you were at fault, and exactly why you ought to make amends. In my experience it is often unwise to attempt step 9 having not done the previous 8 steps, and the risks are even greater if this most important step is attempted without the support and wise counsel of a experienced sponsor. This is the one step in our program where things have the potential to go seriously wrong.

God bless,
Mike.

bbthumper

Definitely something you want to talk to a sponsor about.
But, since we agreed to go to any lengths to remain sober, not wanting to visit an old city is not a sufficient reason to avoid making direct amends. We made direct amends WHERE ever possible. We avoid making amends if it may cause harm to others. I cannot count myself as others. As the book says we are to be hard on ourselves and easy on others.

Misguided

What is motivating me to make amends? I really don't know other than the pressing thought in my mind.

I guess maybe I should consider going through the 12 steps with a sponsor. 2011 was a major life changing year besides just getting sober. Moving put me in a position to not be able to start the 12 step program when a new one came around to join because I knew I'd be leaving it before I finished the entire process. I also just pictured it as redundant between the therapy I've been through for over 15 years, sitting through all the meetings every week and being able to get sober without actually working the steps. I know what got me to the point of alcoholism & what to avoid to not end up there again (I guess therapy was actually good for something LOL). Step 9 was always one that I had confusion on when I listened in the meetings. I attended CR so I'm not sure how different that is from other types of meetings that aren't Christian based, but we did go through the steps in meetings, just not on a direct level -- that was a separate meeting.

shaun00

That is how an unfinished amends comes to my mind, a pressing thought or a name will surface.

BUT,......it sure would be a good idea to converse with a twelve step sponsor on this....We can really mash it up for others involved, cause more harm, more resentment and bad feeling.

*"if we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol"

So if you don't have the will ...or if you are fearful, ask god...or your own conception of god.

* Quotes BB 1st edition

CarolD

I know very little about the program Christians in Recovery
and nothing about how they do Step work.

Here is the AA Step 9...from our 12& 12 C AWAS

... Is that the same one as the CR uses?

sugarbear1

A sponsor gives me direct working with the steps. I learned a lot about me. Amends help us to be free of our past, but I can't decide on my own what to do. If the amends are only to help me, then they are selfish and not really about the other person. I'd find a sponsor. The steps, as written, are a summary of what we've done, not everything we did.

find a sponsor, work with them.

Love & hugs,

Misguided

Yes. It's the same. All 12 steps are the same as AA, it just has more of a Christ based approach.

Thanks. I plan to attend the CR in my area so I can work the 12 steps in full and find a sponsor. Hopefully I'm comfortable in the one that is near because it's the only one that's close (distance wise) and I don't want to deviate from that program.

gatefoldcover

I am working the 9th step now, and was wondering 1) how do determine who to keep on or off my list of people to amend to(with?) and 2) am I free to craft what I say or need I stick to some strict script that my sponsor would suggest? Thanks !

sugarbear1

Work with a sponsor to find what needs to be done. Start with step 1 and then move forward with those steps!

My sponsor gives me suggestions, no scripts, and we work together with a higher power.

Tommyh

pray about it and discuss it with your sponsor
and go from there