Heynonomus

SWIM was clean, relapsed, then put together almost a week of clean time but started using again. SWIM doesn't know if he's tired or not; he wants to stop but doesn't want to at the same time. SWIM is a failure and doesn't have a job-- his unemployment was just cut; it feels like every time SWIM sees a glimmer of hope and cleans himself up something else goes wrong. SWIM knows "god don't make no junk," and "god doesn't give you more than you can handle." It feels like god gives SWIM much more than he can handle, and so he handles it with dope. SWIM just wants somebody to talk to because SWIM is ashamed of himself and stopped going to meetings.

Anyone who will talk to me would really help.

pinkdog

Hi! I'm not sure what a SWIM is. ha ha I am an alcoholic. Things always will go wrong. Stuff happens to everyone all the time. The question is how will you react to it? The best decision I made was no alcohol no matter what. It has everything to do with how you react when stuff goes wrong. The main thing is to stop and think. Don't rush to react. Stop, access and make a plan. The urge surfing is what enables me to slow it down. Instead of overreacting. You can do this. Just calm it down. It will not always be so hard. You can get good habits. Life-affirming habits. I promise. Love and a hug to you.

Heynonomus

SWIM- someone who isn't me.

it's for liability purposes I suppose..

KnowHope

I came to see that either I was going to use for the rest of my life or that day would have to come when I would be done for good, no more excuses. I became willing to go to any lengths for my recovery. I do believe as you said, "God don't make no junk." As I see it, one of the greatest gifts he has given us is free will. I hurt so much for so long that I could barely see straight, and I preferred oblivion to having to endure my own mind without drugs. It doesn't have to be that way. Pain is unavoidable, but suffering is optional. I can see now that most if not all of the suffering I endured was created by thoughts and actions based on self-will, not God's will. For me, part of entering into the contract to stay clean means seeking God's will over my own selfishness, which in many ways works out to cleaning house, living by spiritual principles, helping others, living a way of life that won't lead back to drugs. My default thoughts on using have basically become, "What? Why would I want to do that?" and for someone like me who couldn't go a day, a morning, an afternoon, an evening without using that is nothing less than a miracle. I am one tough cookie in many regards, but I could not do this alone. Just a note, usually the best kept secret in the 12 step fellowships is the 12 steps. Meetings are great, but they're based in fellowship, which isn't enough for someone like me to recover and live happy, joyous and free. I need the program, which is in that formula of spiritually based actions. I hope you'll see you're being given a gift, if you choose to see it as such, the gift of desperation. I hope that will help drive you forward into the solution. It works - it really does.

Heynonomus

Thanks for the advice. I actually did an honest 4th 5th and 6th step, I began a 7th step and realized, "i'm not powerless.." I never ever believed Step 1. I took it for granted, you know. The "I'm at a meeting I'm not powerless.."

I can't put together more than 4 hours. But I'm going to try. and I'm going to keep trying. I don't care if I have to use to go to a meeting, I'm going to save my behind before my face this time.