Devushka25

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I can't even think for a few moments before my head is filled with this overwhelming sense of panic and doom, wondering how im ever going to get myself out of various messes, created by self destructive nature and codependency issues.
i got so drunk three weeks ago, AT WORK, I almost lost my job. I'm a waitress in a club and I was obviously drunk, serving customers, slurring at them, wobbling along, spilling drinks all over the place, on them. couldnt keep anyones order straight. brought one table the wrong stuff like three or four times....i only remember this in flashes. one of my regular customers trying to calm me down, ask me whats wrong because im swearing at people..... ended the night sobbing as i wiped down tables, crying that i had to leave my boyfriend (who is the most wonderful, supportive, loving guy out there. i hope he marries me one day, truly, then i feel guilty because i am not what he needs...), and being consoled in the back by a few coworkers, doing lines of cocaine to try to sober up before i have to go home and face this great guy of mine, who i love so much.....trashed and wanting to break up because im drunk and irrational.....dumping all this **** on him, unable to stand in our living room...
i was lucky i kept my job. my manager knows me personally and was beyond understanding to the point of really just being enabling which goes with the environment we all work in. i confessed to my boyfriend everything that had happened at work and cried, telling him i think i might really be an alcoholic and im just really confused and ****** up inside and dont know what to do, but im going to stop.
hes been so proud of me cause since then i joined a gym to get back into shape. my motive of course being aesthetic but also because i believe i drink as a symptom of anxiety and depression and if i exercise maybe i wont be so depressed. ive been going hard with a personal trainer and feeling great. and not drinking. until two nights ago. my manager was in an drinking mood and was tempting me with alcohol. i was trying hard to be strong and i clearly and honestly voiced to him that im an alcoholic and that i cant just have a drink. and that i promised my boyfriend (whom my managers knows) that i wouldnt and that it was also against my new diet ive been keeping since starting the personal training. he just kept pushing and hes someone i used to drink with all the time, were "buddies" i guess. and he said it would be our little secret and that it would be fun to say **** it and be naughty and drink. hes an admitted alcoholic as well. i felt so disgusted with myself and i didnt tell my bf cause i could bear to see him disappointed in me like i know he would be. im ranting. sorry. i swear im not drunk typing this. this is actually a sober, wired and contemplative, up too late rant. thanks........

Threshold

I hope you re-read your post. When I read it I hear someone who is done with booze, and done with all the crap that comes with drinking.

You drank with your boss and hated the result, and the guilt, and the way it set you back.

I'm glad you shared here and feel what you want in your life is honesty, health, a relationship with a great man, a future.

We take jobs to support our life and lifestyles. If this job situation or boss no longer does that, a different job might be something to consider. What I hear in your post is that your sobriety, health and relationship mean the most to you. Find whatever it takes to support THAT.

Ollie909

You sound like a really nice thoughtful person to me. Kinda going through another day at the office.