heartbroken
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 6
heartbroken
I am very new to this and this is my first post. I am not sure that this is the right place to post this, but hopefully its a step in the right direction.
I am the wife of an addict. This is very new & so unfamiliar to me that I am looking for answers everywhere I can. Basically I have been happily married to my husband for 15 years. We had what I thought was the fairytale. We have 4 amazing children, my husband has a wonderful job, we have a beautiful home, etc.... All up until I found a bottle of pills a couple of months back. My husband finally told me that he has been addicted to hydrocodone for 6 years. I couldnt believe it....How could I have never known?!?!?! He said his addiction has never gotten better or worse and that for the whole 6 years he has taken 4-5 10mg vicodin a everyday, which is why he claims I never knew.
Then he drops a second bomb a couple days later and said that he is unhappy in our marrige & he no longer feels a connection to me. This came as a bigger shock then the pills because I felt that we were so happy. Heartbroken I went to the doctor with him and we decided that I would help taper him off of the pills as well as begin marriage counseling. We went through the whole process, but I didnt see a change in him he was just grouchy and unaffectionate. I thought the tapering went great but I found out a couple of weeks later that he was still taking the pills. He is now living with his mom and we hardly see or hear from him. He has been so involved in every part of our family, and now he is almost completely absent. My heart is broken and our children are devestated. I want him to get help so bad but he is so mean and ugly anytime I bring it up that I can no longer talk to him about it at all.
I am the wife of an addict. This is very new & so unfamiliar to me that I am looking for answers everywhere I can. Basically I have been happily married to my husband for 15 years. We had what I thought was the fairytale. We have 4 amazing children, my husband has a wonderful job, we have a beautiful home, etc.... All up until I found a bottle of pills a couple of months back. My husband finally told me that he has been addicted to hydrocodone for 6 years. I couldnt believe it....How could I have never known?!?!?! He said his addiction has never gotten better or worse and that for the whole 6 years he has taken 4-5 10mg vicodin a everyday, which is why he claims I never knew.
Then he drops a second bomb a couple days later and said that he is unhappy in our marrige & he no longer feels a connection to me. This came as a bigger shock then the pills because I felt that we were so happy. Heartbroken I went to the doctor with him and we decided that I would help taper him off of the pills as well as begin marriage counseling. We went through the whole process, but I didnt see a change in him he was just grouchy and unaffectionate. I thought the tapering went great but I found out a couple of weeks later that he was still taking the pills. He is now living with his mom and we hardly see or hear from him. He has been so involved in every part of our family, and now he is almost completely absent. My heart is broken and our children are devestated. I want him to get help so bad but he is so mean and ugly anytime I bring it up that I can no longer talk to him about it at all.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 683
I suspect that his "feeling unsatisfied" in the marriage has more to do wit the pain killer abuse than it does with the marriage. You see, he is unable to experience any joy or happiness without those pills. His brain is no longer producing the chemicals required to feel pleasure or intimacy. If you are up on your science, you know that there is a specific chemical that allows people to bond. It's called Oxytocin. THis brain chemical is responsible for those feelings of love. When people first start dating or fall in love, it's the oxytocin that causes those feelings. When a woman nurses her chid, he bodies response to breast feeding is to produce oxytocin which "bonds" the mother to child.
His 6 years of using drugs has allowed his brain to stop making these chemicals - along with dopamine, etc. It's no small wonder he doesn't feel satisfied... He lacks the natural ability to bond with you. If you get him off the drugs, his brain will eventually start making these chemicals again which in turn, will allow him to experience that bond between the two of you. I will tell you that it may take some considerable time for him to feel normal again. Perhaps months. But if he stops now and never gets back on the drugs... He will eventually return to normal.
His 6 years of using drugs has allowed his brain to stop making these chemicals - along with dopamine, etc. It's no small wonder he doesn't feel satisfied... He lacks the natural ability to bond with you. If you get him off the drugs, his brain will eventually start making these chemicals again which in turn, will allow him to experience that bond between the two of you. I will tell you that it may take some considerable time for him to feel normal again. Perhaps months. But if he stops now and never gets back on the drugs... He will eventually return to normal.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 12
I agree with Ivankatz. Also, a counsellor told me that it takes 3 months once you're clean for your brain to start to go back to normal. If he's not ready for help I'm not sure there's much you can do. Just tell him you love him and you'll be there when he needs help.
I wish you well!
Starlit
I wish you well!
Starlit
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: ca
Posts: 214
After reading this post I had to say something........believe me, once someone is addicted to hydrocodone they are not their true person...and won't be for quite some time.
Offer support in anyway you can, but make it clear if it is not accepted that you have to leave....which I know is hard but you have to think about your own health. Addiction destroys families everyday.....
Offer support in anyway you can, but make it clear if it is not accepted that you have to leave....which I know is hard but you have to think about your own health. Addiction destroys families everyday.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 6
Ivankatz, that is exactly what I needed to hear! I have been suspecting this, but he thinks there is absolutely no link between his feelings for me & the pills. I just worry that the feelings wont return because he has been using for so long....even though he says it is only 4-5 pills a day. I want to fight for him, although I am letting him take this journey without us, I hope he will get the help he needs. I just needed to hear that I am not wasting my time waiting, that there may be hope for our marriage once he gets the help he needs.
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