Been a long time.
Shape-Shifting Super-Hero
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Eating Tofu!
Posts: 882
Been a long time.
Have not popped in for a long time, have been struggling, here. I've read a lot of books on not drinking, studied various techniques, and yet, I still can't seem to get things straight. I really long for a group I could go to and talk about things in an honest way, that was not scripted and rigid...but I can't seem to find those kinds of groups here.
A lot of what drives this is lonliness, and a weird schedule.
I work from Sunday to Thursday, from 2:30 PM, to about 11 PM, with about an hour commute each way. So, I get home, and it is midnight, or later if I have to pick up my partner from work. Then, there is nothing open that late, and I am never able to fall asleep until about 4 AM, as I need to unwind from work, have a snack, watch a movie. But then the loneliness hits us both, and we go out, and the only thing open are things like the tavern, with the promise that there will be people there we can talk to and laugh with, and find meaningful exchanges with. It may not seem like much, but there is a lot of richness, in a way. I have gone and tried not to drink, but found it pretty much impossible...like I was not on the right wavelength. Then, on my days off, my mate works...so we don't have much quality time together. It's been like this 6 years now, I have neither been able to adjust my schedule, or find a new job, though I have applied/interviewed to many. I hate my schedule, the way it isolates me from so many things, like classes and groups and makes my sleep all off kilter...on my days off, it is still hard to wake up much before noon, sober or drinking, if that. Then, we share one car, so I have to take my mate to work at 4PM if I want the car that day, so it makes it hard, if I want to go someplace and do something on my days off.
Yes, I know people will say these are all excuses, and in a way, they are, but they are also the twilight-zone hours that separate me from most people and the 'normal' world. I feel really isolated, lonely. Even on my days off, I find it hard to do much aside from errands and groceries...it seems all my time is taken up by work, commuting and sleep, and errands, and then, not even much money to show, always a struggle there. No time, and no meaning in my job. A void.
What I long for is a social support situation without God or half the meetings filled up reading the same things over and over, just a physical place to share, be honest, not follow a script, but yet have a place to go.
I know this will sound funny. There is this part of me that knows social support is helpful, and yet, it is not available here in a form that is helpful to me. I will have to check again, but even by therapist thinks it is odd, how few choices one has for recovery meetings, even in a big, urban area like this.
I keep trying on my own, and well, I think I need help, more of a social network.
A lot of what drives this is lonliness, and a weird schedule.
I work from Sunday to Thursday, from 2:30 PM, to about 11 PM, with about an hour commute each way. So, I get home, and it is midnight, or later if I have to pick up my partner from work. Then, there is nothing open that late, and I am never able to fall asleep until about 4 AM, as I need to unwind from work, have a snack, watch a movie. But then the loneliness hits us both, and we go out, and the only thing open are things like the tavern, with the promise that there will be people there we can talk to and laugh with, and find meaningful exchanges with. It may not seem like much, but there is a lot of richness, in a way. I have gone and tried not to drink, but found it pretty much impossible...like I was not on the right wavelength. Then, on my days off, my mate works...so we don't have much quality time together. It's been like this 6 years now, I have neither been able to adjust my schedule, or find a new job, though I have applied/interviewed to many. I hate my schedule, the way it isolates me from so many things, like classes and groups and makes my sleep all off kilter...on my days off, it is still hard to wake up much before noon, sober or drinking, if that. Then, we share one car, so I have to take my mate to work at 4PM if I want the car that day, so it makes it hard, if I want to go someplace and do something on my days off.
Yes, I know people will say these are all excuses, and in a way, they are, but they are also the twilight-zone hours that separate me from most people and the 'normal' world. I feel really isolated, lonely. Even on my days off, I find it hard to do much aside from errands and groceries...it seems all my time is taken up by work, commuting and sleep, and errands, and then, not even much money to show, always a struggle there. No time, and no meaning in my job. A void.
What I long for is a social support situation without God or half the meetings filled up reading the same things over and over, just a physical place to share, be honest, not follow a script, but yet have a place to go.
I know this will sound funny. There is this part of me that knows social support is helpful, and yet, it is not available here in a form that is helpful to me. I will have to check again, but even by therapist thinks it is odd, how few choices one has for recovery meetings, even in a big, urban area like this.
I keep trying on my own, and well, I think I need help, more of a social network.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Good to see you again 
Social support is helpful for sure, but I got sober with just SR, so it's possible.
I just had to take the drinking option of the table. That meant making a lot of changes and adjustments to my life but it's was worth it.
I'm not trying to make it sound easy - it's not - but it's not impossible either IMO.
Why do you think you find it impossible not to drink Husky?
D
Social support is helpful for sure, but I got sober with just SR, so it's possible.
I just had to take the drinking option of the table. That meant making a lot of changes and adjustments to my life but it's was worth it.
I'm not trying to make it sound easy - it's not - but it's not impossible either IMO.
Why do you think you find it impossible not to drink Husky?
D
Shape-Shifting Super-Hero
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Eating Tofu!
Posts: 882
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Good to see you again
Social support is helpful for sure, but I got sober with just SR, so it's possible.
I just had to take the drinking option of the table. That meant making a lot of changes and adjustments to my life but it's was worth it.
I'm not trying to make it sound easy - it's not - but it's not impossible either IMO.
Why do you think you find it impossible not to drink Husky?
D
Social support is helpful for sure, but I got sober with just SR, so it's possible.
I just had to take the drinking option of the table. That meant making a lot of changes and adjustments to my life but it's was worth it.
I'm not trying to make it sound easy - it's not - but it's not impossible either IMO.
Why do you think you find it impossible not to drink Husky?
D
@Live2Run25...Yeah, it's tough. I'm here in Baltimore, of all things. I am gonna try and make a SMART meeting on Friday, near DC, at 7 PM, though I dread the traffic at that time...but pretty much, that's about the closest thing, on a day I have off. I imagine in Western MD, SMART meetings are scarce, but you might wanna check them out, or I can look and see what there is, and pass it along.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
Sounds pretty similar to my life Husky
I was a musician - I slept days and worked nights - I also used alcohol for pain relief stress relief and as a coping mechanism for a variety of situations, stresses and upsets.
it wasn't that sobriety was impossible - just virtually impossible in practical terms the way I lived.
So...if I wanted to change I needed to change the way I lived...
thats not easy - but neither was the life I was living by the end.
D
I was a musician - I slept days and worked nights - I also used alcohol for pain relief stress relief and as a coping mechanism for a variety of situations, stresses and upsets.
it wasn't that sobriety was impossible - just virtually impossible in practical terms the way I lived.
So...if I wanted to change I needed to change the way I lived...
thats not easy - but neither was the life I was living by the end.
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
husky!
good to see you again. I understand about the crazy hours. have you checked out Rational Recovery meetings in your area? We used to have a few around here but I don't know about now.
never give up, OK? I'm thinking about you.
love from Lenina
good to see you again. I understand about the crazy hours. have you checked out Rational Recovery meetings in your area? We used to have a few around here but I don't know about now.
never give up, OK? I'm thinking about you.
love from Lenina
A simple guy making his way
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
HP....WOW!!
We have more than you know in common. My partner and I feel the same way. We get lonely as we know few people in the area. We share a single car. We find a richness as you say in the places that have also caused us the most harm.... The tavern.
The most difficult aspect to adjusting to abstinence is not stopping to drink. I can do that.... Be around drink... And still not need it.
What I need and do not have in my life is a family... Or support network. The loneliness and isolation is what drives me to go to places... Were drinking is the focus. because its also the easiest.
I agree... This sounds like AV or excuses. I know. And it may very well be part of it all. Ok it is.
But while I can manage the drinking I cannot manage the loneliness. I am a very social person.
I must change something very core to me if I am going to also change my life.
But while I agree with you on most points.... I also know without question that I have come to a point where it's time to move on.
If I tell myself the only place to find friends and have fun is a bar... Then that's the only place I am going to go. If i tell myself thats it? Then that's an outright lie. Period.
I am making true efforts to seek out new places to go. Trying new things that put me in the path of others... Maybe I will trip over a new friend.
I hear you about the schedule. That adds an element of difficulty.... But we only have in our lives what we seek out and fill them with.
No one ever got a college degree because they did not try or want one. Again we only fill our lives with what we seek out.
If you want it... You can make it happen. It has taken me at least 8 years of saying exactly what you said before I said enough. Time to move on.
All my best to you and your partner!
Ken
We have more than you know in common. My partner and I feel the same way. We get lonely as we know few people in the area. We share a single car. We find a richness as you say in the places that have also caused us the most harm.... The tavern.
The most difficult aspect to adjusting to abstinence is not stopping to drink. I can do that.... Be around drink... And still not need it.
What I need and do not have in my life is a family... Or support network. The loneliness and isolation is what drives me to go to places... Were drinking is the focus. because its also the easiest.
I agree... This sounds like AV or excuses. I know. And it may very well be part of it all. Ok it is.
But while I can manage the drinking I cannot manage the loneliness. I am a very social person.
I must change something very core to me if I am going to also change my life.
But while I agree with you on most points.... I also know without question that I have come to a point where it's time to move on.
If I tell myself the only place to find friends and have fun is a bar... Then that's the only place I am going to go. If i tell myself thats it? Then that's an outright lie. Period.
I am making true efforts to seek out new places to go. Trying new things that put me in the path of others... Maybe I will trip over a new friend.
I hear you about the schedule. That adds an element of difficulty.... But we only have in our lives what we seek out and fill them with.
No one ever got a college degree because they did not try or want one. Again we only fill our lives with what we seek out.
If you want it... You can make it happen. It has taken me at least 8 years of saying exactly what you said before I said enough. Time to move on.
All my best to you and your partner!
Ken
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,867
Hi Pup, long time no see for sure.
Stick around here in secular for a wile and put some sober time together. SR has helped me contain my alcohol problem as I keep on making progress to rid myself of ole demon alcohol. I'll do as much as I can to help you get back on track with healthy living.
I do understand the frustration of finding a F2F group that works for secular peps in recovery. To attend a secular group near me is like a long @ss drive to Los Angeles and fight the gridlock on the expressway.
Anywho good to see you again buddy.
Stick around here in secular for a wile and put some sober time together. SR has helped me contain my alcohol problem as I keep on making progress to rid myself of ole demon alcohol. I'll do as much as I can to help you get back on track with healthy living.
I do understand the frustration of finding a F2F group that works for secular peps in recovery. To attend a secular group near me is like a long @ss drive to Los Angeles and fight the gridlock on the expressway.
Anywho good to see you again buddy.
Shape-Shifting Super-Hero
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Eating Tofu!
Posts: 882
Hey everyone, thanks for all the warm welcomes. I'm doing my best to hold in there. Have not put together much sober time these past months, maybe a week, tops. Then I will go several days, and get really bored, and go out.
I have to admit, the past month has been difficult. I have been slipping into a pretty deep depression here, but am OK, at least on the surface. Basically I know what is wrong and yet I have been unable to change it for so long, or had no luck. What is getting me down is the monotony that has become my life. The one hour commute here, the one hour commute back. The same places, over and over and over. All that cement, the highway, the traffic. Never any real variety or change of scene. No vacations, or time to recover; things keep popping up that make me use up my leave, like being sick, or my mate when he got beat up for no reason, and we had to go to court & press charges, the car getting damaged---it just eats away all my vacation time I might have saved. And then all this pressure builds up inside that really craves something different, a heightened or altered, chemically induced state has been the stand in, you could say.
And then, things falling apart faster and faster, so much stuff I have to do, mounding up, yet I just sleep and lay in bed reading. The basics are starting to go undone. I have not checked my e-mail for 3 weeks, have not checked the mail for weeks, have not checked my phone messages, though my mate says if somebody calls. I have not bought any decent amount of groceries in weeks, nor done laundry in months, and the car is 7 moths past due for the emissions test; I should change the oil, before. My mate has also felt much the same. We have no days off together.
I have been unable to find a new job or change my hours for 6 years now, this is killing me. I have had some bad drinking nights, or I should say they are fun at the time, and make it so I can pass out and sleep, but even that seems boring.
I am not sure what has brought this on so hard, but I feel a void has opened up, and have lost hope in things, I guess. Even in writing...I think that if it held the promise that I could make $$$ from it, and a decent living, I'd be more motivated, yet I just can't see that path these days...or get beyond the basics that remain undone to have the time to focus. I'm worried, my therapist seemed worried. I just see no way out.
I think I would be happy with a job I could walk to, a place I could better afford, a less hectic/urban setting...but I can't see any way that can happen, with horrible credit and bad rental references. I try to think in practical terms, how can I get out of this? So I have time again to do things I love, and the energy? And I just can not see any path.
And so I have gone into a kind of hiding. My parents think I am going to visit, and my mate thinks we are going to Michigan, but I do not have enough time off saved up...and I will have to disappoint them all. Maybe he can go alone, and I'll stay behind. It really hurts, not to be able to get up there, and see the wilderness, the lakes, friends relatives...has been about 2 years, now.
But all these days, and so similar, so boring and draining, even my sex drive has gone away, pretty much. I'm trying hard to pull out of this, but not sure how. I tried to meditate on this, and all I could think was how I have no time, and everything is always so monotonous and secondhand, I can read or watch movies, but all I see are representations of things, and not a variety of things and places and experiences, it feels in ways like I am in a prison, constructed by a lack of an ongoing way to afford to get out. There is such little variety. I feel like my life is a mud-puddle that is drying up.
It's like I have lost the will to go on. It's not exactly a suicidal feeling, like I am going to do something rash, but a kind of giving up, a recklessness, a ceasing to care what happens, because I am so old, and I can not imagine ever settling into a career I actually like with a ****** economy and that I would be almost 50 if I went back to school, and places don't like to hire that old of people, as I am reminded of all the time by the news. I don't see any examples I can look to, and say, wow, they did what I would like to do! I don't have mentors, or a support system. My idea was to try to publish some of my poetry, build a publishing reputation, get a teaching certificate, maybe a masters, and then try and teach writing in a school for the arts/liberal private school/Quaker school, some kind of setting that would allow more freedom and involve interaction with the next generation, as in many ways, I relate better to younger people than older ones. But this dream is slipping away, as I have no way to take classes, due to my stupid schedule, and no way to just borrow enough to go to school and live, due to my crummy credit, for at least 7 more years...then, it would be way too late.
And so, I have come to think: Live or Die? What does it matter. I have been trying meditation, but this is what it led me to think.
I have to admit, the past month has been difficult. I have been slipping into a pretty deep depression here, but am OK, at least on the surface. Basically I know what is wrong and yet I have been unable to change it for so long, or had no luck. What is getting me down is the monotony that has become my life. The one hour commute here, the one hour commute back. The same places, over and over and over. All that cement, the highway, the traffic. Never any real variety or change of scene. No vacations, or time to recover; things keep popping up that make me use up my leave, like being sick, or my mate when he got beat up for no reason, and we had to go to court & press charges, the car getting damaged---it just eats away all my vacation time I might have saved. And then all this pressure builds up inside that really craves something different, a heightened or altered, chemically induced state has been the stand in, you could say.
And then, things falling apart faster and faster, so much stuff I have to do, mounding up, yet I just sleep and lay in bed reading. The basics are starting to go undone. I have not checked my e-mail for 3 weeks, have not checked the mail for weeks, have not checked my phone messages, though my mate says if somebody calls. I have not bought any decent amount of groceries in weeks, nor done laundry in months, and the car is 7 moths past due for the emissions test; I should change the oil, before. My mate has also felt much the same. We have no days off together.
I have been unable to find a new job or change my hours for 6 years now, this is killing me. I have had some bad drinking nights, or I should say they are fun at the time, and make it so I can pass out and sleep, but even that seems boring.
I am not sure what has brought this on so hard, but I feel a void has opened up, and have lost hope in things, I guess. Even in writing...I think that if it held the promise that I could make $$$ from it, and a decent living, I'd be more motivated, yet I just can't see that path these days...or get beyond the basics that remain undone to have the time to focus. I'm worried, my therapist seemed worried. I just see no way out.
I think I would be happy with a job I could walk to, a place I could better afford, a less hectic/urban setting...but I can't see any way that can happen, with horrible credit and bad rental references. I try to think in practical terms, how can I get out of this? So I have time again to do things I love, and the energy? And I just can not see any path.
And so I have gone into a kind of hiding. My parents think I am going to visit, and my mate thinks we are going to Michigan, but I do not have enough time off saved up...and I will have to disappoint them all. Maybe he can go alone, and I'll stay behind. It really hurts, not to be able to get up there, and see the wilderness, the lakes, friends relatives...has been about 2 years, now.
But all these days, and so similar, so boring and draining, even my sex drive has gone away, pretty much. I'm trying hard to pull out of this, but not sure how. I tried to meditate on this, and all I could think was how I have no time, and everything is always so monotonous and secondhand, I can read or watch movies, but all I see are representations of things, and not a variety of things and places and experiences, it feels in ways like I am in a prison, constructed by a lack of an ongoing way to afford to get out. There is such little variety. I feel like my life is a mud-puddle that is drying up.
It's like I have lost the will to go on. It's not exactly a suicidal feeling, like I am going to do something rash, but a kind of giving up, a recklessness, a ceasing to care what happens, because I am so old, and I can not imagine ever settling into a career I actually like with a ****** economy and that I would be almost 50 if I went back to school, and places don't like to hire that old of people, as I am reminded of all the time by the news. I don't see any examples I can look to, and say, wow, they did what I would like to do! I don't have mentors, or a support system. My idea was to try to publish some of my poetry, build a publishing reputation, get a teaching certificate, maybe a masters, and then try and teach writing in a school for the arts/liberal private school/Quaker school, some kind of setting that would allow more freedom and involve interaction with the next generation, as in many ways, I relate better to younger people than older ones. But this dream is slipping away, as I have no way to take classes, due to my stupid schedule, and no way to just borrow enough to go to school and live, due to my crummy credit, for at least 7 more years...then, it would be way too late.
And so, I have come to think: Live or Die? What does it matter. I have been trying meditation, but this is what it led me to think.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
I am not sure what has brought this on so hard, but I feel a void has opened up, and have lost hope in things, I guess.
That's what I called them—other problems. I kept thinking if I could only solve this one or that one, then it would give me something good and strong that I could grab onto. Then I'd be ready to pull myself out of addiction.
That kind of magical thinking kept me trapped. I had everything backwards. It's so obvious to me now. I just couldn't see it when I was looking at everything through the warped lens of alcoholism (addicted to a powerful depressant, mind you). Have you ever heard of someone who fell into the pit of addiction—that yawning chasm of hopelessness, where on the good days you feel apathetic, and on the bad days you feel desperate—have you ever heard of someone who reached that point and managed to improve his life without first quitting? All the thousands of posts I've read here, all the people I've ever met, all the movies and books and conversations—and I can't think of one story like that. Not one. Why did I think it would somehow happen to me?
It's tragic how much of life can be wasted waiting for "other problems" to get better. For the time to be right. And the ironic thing is that the reality is so simple, and so much more manageable.
By changing one thing, right now, we make it possible to finally change everything else.
Focus, HP. Focus.
Shape-Shifting Super-Hero
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Eating Tofu!
Posts: 882
I applied for both of those positions that have opened up where I work that have day hours, so I am kind of proud to have accomplished this, simple as it seems. They are only open to internal applicants; one is in periodicals/microfilm/on-line databases, the other is my current department, but would deal more with course reserves, in digital format. (College library, here) I'll have to see what happens. A third position looks likely to open...so many people have left. At least this way, I could take classes, which would be wonderful. I want to go to grad school, but the classes are always when I work, in the afternoons and evening so 'most people' have an open schedule. The good thing is I get 6 free credits a semester as a benefit, tuition remission. So I'm hoping to be able to go back part time if this pans out, for a masters in creative writing, and then, the minimum required for a teaching certificate.
Ideally, I want something close to where I live, where I do not need a car. I've really come to be frustrated by and afraid of driving, it causes me a lot of anxiety. I have bad vision, and need a cornea transplant in my right eye, which is just a blur, so driving is a scary thing...if it rains at night, it's not easy. Plus, I am just tired of driving, and cars, and how expensive they are...the insurance, gas, repairs...it eats up even more money than drinking! I have 0 points on my record, but just the basic, non-comprehensive insurance is $170 a month in the city, and that's after shopping around to about 6 places. And no, Geico was not cheaper...it was about $50 more!
On that note, it is true, stopping drinking is the first step. Though as I try and build motivation, it helps me to look at what I will be able to do, as it gives me strength. So did not drink since the night before that gloomy post, and am feeling OK. Had acupuncture today, for TMJ, feel more relaxed.
Thanks everyone for reading this,
H. Pup
Ideally, I want something close to where I live, where I do not need a car. I've really come to be frustrated by and afraid of driving, it causes me a lot of anxiety. I have bad vision, and need a cornea transplant in my right eye, which is just a blur, so driving is a scary thing...if it rains at night, it's not easy. Plus, I am just tired of driving, and cars, and how expensive they are...the insurance, gas, repairs...it eats up even more money than drinking! I have 0 points on my record, but just the basic, non-comprehensive insurance is $170 a month in the city, and that's after shopping around to about 6 places. And no, Geico was not cheaper...it was about $50 more!
On that note, it is true, stopping drinking is the first step. Though as I try and build motivation, it helps me to look at what I will be able to do, as it gives me strength. So did not drink since the night before that gloomy post, and am feeling OK. Had acupuncture today, for TMJ, feel more relaxed.
Thanks everyone for reading this,
H. Pup
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