bluejaybird

Ive been having doubts about my boyfriend. Its really hard for me to admit this because I haven’t told anyone. A couple weeks ago, I went into his duffle bag just to pull his gym clothes out for the laundry. I wasn’t snooping, but when I reached in the inner pocket was unzipped, and there were a couple of needles inside. Nothing else just the needles.

The thing is that he used to shoot up. He stopped and its been over 6 months. He has been in regular treatment, and I haven’t noticed any changes in his behavior. Or at least I hadn’t until I found the needles, and now Im driving myself crazy looking for signs.

Part of me wants to ask him, but I don’t know if its right to ask. They were just needles. Maybe they have been there a long time?

Im sad that I am doubting him. Tonight he reached out to me for intimacy, and the whole time I wanted to hold him so tight because I don’t want him to slip away from me.

Im afraid that he is using again and hiding it.

I know there is nothing can be said. I just needed to tell someone.

neferkamichael

Your boyfriend used to shoot up and you found needles in his belongings doesn't sound good, and I hope he has them for some other reason to. Reaching out to him in a caring way might help stop it if it's going on. Prayin for him.

rebeccarobinson

We're here for you, just talk anytime you want, ok?
:ghug3

bluejaybird

Thank you both.

I wasnt really expecting any replies tonight because its so late.

Well, I love my boyfriend very much. We are actually engaged but dont plan on getting married until next year. Im not angry with him. We have very good communication and if its happened Im hoping he will tell me when he is ready.

I know him, and I know that he may not be ready to face it, or he may be trying to fix it and get control before he tells me. Or maybe there is a logical explanation if I would just ask, but for the life of me I really cant think of one.

Its cocaine by the way, I mean if he did relapse. Its not heroin or oxy or anything like that. Not that it really matters I guess except you dont get the physical withdrawls from the coke, just the emotional / mental ones for the most part.

Anyways, thank you for listening. Im not telling anyone my suspicions because that would not be fair to him. Not at this point.

Thanks for your prayers Neferkamichael

IvanKatz

bluejaybird,
You should seriously consider an exit strategy as an option. I'm not saying bail on him just because you saw some needle. Just have a plan in place in the event he is using.
The last thing you want to do, is knowingly get married to a person who is an addict. An addict that is an IV drug abuser.

I hope you do realize that IV drug users can contract all kinds of diseases that can be passed directly to you via "intimacy" or even casual contact? Hep C, HIV, Skin diseases, fungal infections, blood-borne diseases?

Look, I'm not trying to frighten you. I'm simply trying to make you aware of the reality of the situation *IF* he is using needles.

For your sake though, please don't dismiss your discovery and discover the truth. One idea that pops into my mind. Take one of those needles and have it tested. If positive, ask him to take a drug test for the narcotic in question.

I wish you the very best and hope that the needle issue is a misunderstanding of sorts. I really do!

FMTT

Here's my $.02, OK?
I don't think you should start grilling your fiancé for answers just yet. But I wouldn't bury this discovery as though nothing happened. Unless he's a sudden diabetic who needs insulin regularly, finding needles in anyone's gym bag is a cause for alarm. Maybe they are old and he forgot to take them out or maybe he's messing with steroids or maybe he's messing with something else. Either way, you deserve an answer if you plan on spending the rest of your life with this guy. If he is using again get ready for a heap of lies and subterfuge though cause that's what active users of any drug do. I agree with Ivan. If the works are already used, I'd have one tested for content. Not saying you don't have a good relationship or shouldn't trust your man but addiction is serious stuff and you need to be informed.
Good luck to you.

bluejaybird

I know you are right about an exit strategy, but emotionally Im not in a place where I can consider it, even if he has picked up again. If he were to tell me that he did and he has no plans to stop, then it would be different. But I cant believe that is what is in his heart and mind.

I am really afraid of IV drugs for all the reasons you mentioned. He had stopped injecting when I met him over a year ago, and he went to the doctor for a checkup, and was tested for everything. It all came back negative. Then about 6 months ago, he slipped up, but without injecting. He was hospitalized and they ran a lot of tests again. All negative. He has been very lucky because while his time of IV use wasn’t that long, he was at risk because of unprotected sex.

Ok guys, what you are saying about having a needle tested makes sense. But Im not sure I can do that. Wouldn’t that be breaking the implied trust between us? I mean if I go behind his back and do something like that without even getting an explanation from him – wouldn’t that really hurt him ? It makes me feel like Im saying ‘guilty until proven innocent, and your word is no good’

I know its true addicts lie. Im not sure why they lie, except they must know others wont approve, or they know what they are doing is wrong and so they try to keep it a secret. But that has to hurt. Im not angry IF it has happened. Im not going to think less of him, or threaten him, or badger him to stop.

FMTT

You have a kind and understanding personality. That's a good thing but you haven't been through a wringer yet with an addict. Not saying your fiancé is but you can at least ask him about the needles if they were indeed found by accident. If you ask him and he freaks out with mega-defensiveness, then maybe there's a problem. If he tells you a story that you believe, then hold hands and skip down the road to happy destiny. Just to clarify, asking questions is not a violation of trust. But if he is relapsing at all and not telling you, that's a violation of trust too. Good luck!

IvanKatz

"Wouldn’t that be breaking the implied trust between us?" Ummm... Seriously? You're looking at this the wrong way dear. If he is using IV drugs, He has already broken the "trust" at the highest level! You have absolutely no idea what it's like to live with a junkie. You will be setting yourself up for MASSIVE failure.
TO give you a small idea of what you can expect to be married to a junkie, I'll tell you a little story.
Growing up in my teen years, I had an uncle that was an IV drug abuser. He stole everything he could get his hands on. Not just from strangers but his own family. He preyed on everyone's sympathy and used it to gain access to all of our homes. He stole hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of items (we have a large and somewhat successful family). He emptied my grandmothers bank accounts (her retirement money). He stole my fathers prized gun collection (worth over 100K). He stole all of his wife's (and other family members) jewelry. Once he was no longer allowed at any of our homes, He began robbing businesses. He was finally caught when he accidently shot an elderly lady during a convenience store robbery. He served 12 years for that and when he got out of prison, he got involved with a church ministry that sponsored him. My mother (his older sister) is the naive type and believed that her little brother was "born again" and done with his past actions. She began allowing him back in her home. I was infuriated because I knew a Leopard doesn't change his spots. I warned he repeatedly and I also warned his Church Sponsors. Once again, he built up trust in the family AND the church community. During his time of trust building he began SECRETLY using again. At one point he disappeared for several days. When this happened, I picked up the phone and warned everyone he was likely on one of his infamous drug binges. No one believed me. Then, out of the blue, he proceeded to steal everything he could get his hands on from those who "trusted" him. He stole all of the Church's money and robbed several members homes. He stole everything of value from my mother's house. Once he was caught, he got sent back to prison. The appalling thing was that so many of the victims didn't want to press charges so he got less than a year. When he got out, I finally pounded it into my mother's head that she could NOT allow him anywhere near her house. The church even took him back in. A year later.... He got busted for possession of heroin and crack. It was his third (or 4th or 5th) strike in the justice system. The judge was smart enough to lock him up for 20 years. Sure enough, during his prison stay... He began "ministering" to the other inmates.
In my mind, he was doing his old "gotta build trust in the people" thing all over again.
Now, the one thing I left out in this story was that he was married when this all went down at first. He left his wife penniless and holding the bag on all the attorney's fees. To the tune of 60-70K! He ruined her life all because she "trusted" him.
She ended up selling her house, car, 401K, etc so she could get out of the debt that he left her. The wake of his destruction was more like a steady tsunami of financial, physical, and emotional damage.

You see, in the grips of addiction an addict DOES NOT CARE what kind of damage he or she causes. The only thing they care about is maintaining their high.
This is why it is so very important that you find out NOW what is going on. I pray that he is covering up diabetes or something like this. But it is imperative that you know NOW so that you can avoid ruining your future.

DO NOT be the type of person who is an enabler. Do NOT allow your love for him blind you. For if you do, it will ruin you - PERIOD.

And again sweetie, my heart goes out to you. You are in a really cruddy situation.

Lastly, One of my favorite quotes comes from Ronald Reagan. When he was asked about "trusting" other nations with histories of past abuse he stated, "Trust but verify".
That's all we ask you to to do in this situation. "Trust but verify".

bluejaybird

Ivan, wow that does not make for good bedtime reading. Im so sorry you and your family have had to go through that.

I appreiciate you sharing with me though. I guess maybe there is a disconnect in my brain regarding truth and lies. Im not used to addiction, so I assume people will be honest and direct.

But with your uncle, he kept people believing that he was wanted to clean up his act, that he made people believe he was cleaning up, and that he did successfully do so... but it was all a lie. He was just hiding his use and doing whatever he had to , saying whatever he had to - in order to make people keep believing. To protect his lifestyle, keep family, friends, work, whatever.

And at some point maybe it even became a game to him playing with peoples emotions and getting one past them.

I had NEVER thought my boyfriend capable of anything like that. But you are saying that is what is more common than not.

The thing is I feel like I know his heart and that he really wants to not use drugs. So in my mind I recite that saying that relapse is part of recovery, because its hard to stop using drugs and change your patterns and habits.

The thing that gets me is that he is seeing a psychiatrist every week for his addiction issues, and he seems sincere in his efforts and all that. I know that since his last relapse he has been clean, because he has had to take drug test required by his employer, and they are not the kind you can easily fool because they are done using hair samples.

But I get more of what you are now saying...if he is using, whatever he tells me could be true.... could be a lie.... so I need to find out, and I need more than just his word ... I do need to verify.

First thing is that I am going to talk to him. He has a busy week at work this week, but I will do it either tomorrow night or Saturday.

Have to let some of this sink in more, but THANK YOU.

Impurrfect

((bluejaybird)) - First of all, I did inject dope years ago. I didn't share needles (much) but still..stupid thing I did. I've been tested a few times..when I was locked up, when I was in the hospital for other reasons but admitted to being an IV addict.

I, seriously, can't see why anyone who has injected drugs in the past would have a needle in their posssession. My aunt has diabetes...for quite a while, just seeing the needles would give me a really yukky feeling.

My cousin was introduced to IV drugs by my uncle when he was 17. He did manage to get clean and sober years later, but he had contracted hepatitis. We buried him, last year, at the age of 43. My uncle? He died a few years earlier at the age of 50.

I'm not telling you this to scare you, I'm telling you reality. i have over 5 years in recovery. You could search everything I own. You will not find a crack pipe (my DOC), a needle (back when I used opiates) or any reason to question my motives. I'm also the loved one of A's (addicts) and when my gut says "um, something doesn't feel right"...it's always been right.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

doggonecarl

Lot's of addicts/alcoholics say this. Usually the ones that have relapsed.

Relaspe is of part of addiction. Period.

bluejaybird

Everyone who has replied to me here has been such a big help. Its words that you have said here that have made me realize that I have been way too trusting.

Until Ivan shared that story, I couldnt get the concept that a person in active addiction WILL lie, and they WILL PRETEND to be in recovery to keep their relationships, and sustain their lifestyle.

Im not going to assume he is lying, but Im going to have to talk to him and not worry about being kind and waiting for him to feel like the time is right to tell me.

If its happened, I have a right to know so I can make sure I take care of myself. Too much info maybe, but while Im on birth control; we dont use condoms. And while the thought crossed my mind these last two weeks.... what if he is injecting again.... then we have to use a condom.... I felt like I couldnt ask him because then I would have to explain about seeing the needles in the duffle bag. THAT IS STUPID : ALL ON MY PART.

Need to get my thoughts together so I can deal with this calmly now.
Im not mad at him; Im mad at me.

IvanKatz

bluejaybird,
Addicts are THE best liars in the world! Better than any politician that's ever run for or help an office. Drug addiction makes people do things that they themselves would not believe.
Everyone on this board will agree 100% on this subject.
As we all have stated... We ALL hope he isn't using but his history, along with your find makes for some very compelling evidence.
You said, "I don't believe he wants to do drugs". Well, you are most likely right! All addicts don't want to use but they have to in order to feel normal.
If you've never experienced a drug withdrawal, then you have absolutely no idea what's it's like.
The only way I can describe W/D is imagine that you have a choice of taking a pill *OR* be massively sick for Days, weeks, and possibly months. During W/D, the person experiences MAJOR anxiety, insomnia, restlessness, nausea, cramps, etc. Now, take into account that you are experiencing ALL these MAJOR symptoms and throw in the fact that for several weeks, TIME STANDS STILL! It is the very definition of torture! A hell ride for at least 10 days.

Now, you can either go through all that or simply take a pill to make it go away.
People often say addicts have a choice. Well, in a way they do but the choice to quit is not an easy one by any stretch of the imagination. It requires will power on a massive scale - even with the help of a doctor.
We as humans are hardwired to do what is easier. So, our natural inclination is to take that pill now and deal with it tomorrow... Tomorrow becomes the week, the next week turns into next month. and so on......

bluejaybird

My boyfriend said that withdrawl from cocaine is more of a mental and emotional than it is physical. But he said when he stopped (before I met him) that he had anxiety, depression, innsomnia and a lot of the symptoms you mentioned.

When he had the short relapse about 6 months ago. It was only about a 3 day eppisode where he snorted coke, then started to crash and and felt so bad he took more. And that is when he told me what was going on, and that he had screwed up. So the next day, he took what was left and flushed it, and then it took him several days for him to feel better emotionally. And I was with him you know, and I still feel he had tons of regret over that happening.

Thats why its so hard to belive he would pick up a needle. And to top it all off, if he is using again, then he is going to get caught by the drug test and I dont know what will happen with his job.

But regardless of all that, Im just going to talk to him as soon as the work week is over, and hopefully I will be able to get to the truth of what is going on, and we can deal with it from that point. I still have faith in him, and while I know now to beware of addict lies... I feel so far he has always been honest with me, and Im going to just expect that from him now, and hope Im not disappointed.

IvanKatz

BJB,
The problem with urine based drug tests is the fact that cocaine and opiates are only in the bloodstream for 48 hours. Less so if he's drinking tons of fluids. You may only have a 24-36 hour window from the last time he used. Let's say he used on Sunday and you tested him on Wed. Guess what? It's very likely that he'll show up as clean. A better method of testing him is to take a hair sample. That is going to give you a much larger window.
Now, it not very difficult to spot the signs of using. Drug use very evident if you know what to look for. Here are some examples;

Say he's acting very irritated and then out of the blue, he's calm and relaxed - He's likely just used.

He stays up late but also sleeps in until late morning. When he wakes up, he's irritated and sluggish. The second he walks out of the restroom, he's just fine He's likely just used.

Lack of facial expressions/Zombie look. He's likely just used.

Emotions all over the place. Lethargic one second, energetic and motivated the next -He's likely just used.

Inattention to hygene, chores, food - He's likely using.

It is VERY possible to determine if he's using just by looking at key pieces of behavior. But again, you have to be looking for it. Addicts are very resourceful about how, what, when, and where they use.

Another example of this would be - Say he's acting irritated or acting down. He exudes himself for a moment and the next time you see him he's talkative and energetic the next... MAJOR sign he's just used.

Keep a journal of his emotions and actions. Over a period of a week or two, you can piece this together to get an idea of his emotion patterns. Believe me when I say that a journal is very handy!

bluejaybird

Well I was going to talk to him this weekend, but he seemed so normal, and everything was so good, and I couldnt do it.

I did ask him how he was doing because I knew he had been under stress, but he said he was dealing with all of it, and he was doing ok, and he didnt want me to worry.

Ivan, the thing is that he is getting drug tested, and its a hair follicle test so I dont think he can do much to trick it. It supposed to pick up like 90 days use, and he gets tested between 30 - 45 -60 days. He got tested at the end of June and it was fine Im sure, or I would have heard about it. And the stuff I found was shortly after that, so if he has relapsed its only recent.

I just wanted to update.