Jasomat

I have come to resent people who don't talk about step-based solutions while they share in meetings. I have 3 or 4 people who I have begun to feel ill-will towards because they don't have the same views on recovery that I do. These people don't find step-work necessary. One of the guys shares in meetings about how going to meetings and playing softball is enough for him.

I have written inventory on this stuff, but cannot find a satisfying cause for the resentment. It may be that my self-esteem is injured when other people express opinions that challenge my beliefs.

If you have experienced similar resentments, or have anything to say about this, your comments are welcome. Thanks

Tommyh

they are not doing as you think they should,as evidenced by their sharing in meetings.
That goes back to step 3.

I put their name in column one,the cause in column 2-they ain`t sharing recovery etc like I think they should.
column 3 is how it affects me
Do I still talk with them?Do I shy away from them?Do I gossip about them.Column 3 is where I look at what I did about column 2.
in a case like that,it seemed always to affect my personal relations because I always shyed away from them and gave them a cold shoulder so to speak.Underneath that anger is a fear.I write fear down and later I can see what that fear is

next I pray for them as the book says

then i move on to do column 4
I write out the answers

1.Selfish:What did I want?

2.Dishonest:
what was the lie I told myself?
What would I not get or receive?

I thought _________________
I told myself_____________________
I pretended____________________

3.self seeking:
What did I do to get what I wanted?
How did I manipulate?


4.frightened:
What was I afraid of?
What was the fear?(name it by name )
What might I lose or not get?



when this is over I`m usually ok

sugarbear1

"Was it our self esteem, our security, our ambitions, our personal or sex relations, which had been interfered with?"

Is it about tolerance or acceptance?

Tommyh

to add to my previous post

when this is over I`m usually ok when I follow thru with steps 5-7 and 9 when I have harmed them

susanlauren

Is it resentment or is it jealousy?

If I could have lived contentedly sober without working the steps, I would have done so. I tried to do that; it didn't work out so well. Not drinking was a hellish purgatory which brought me face to face with what it meant to be an untreated alcoholic. Two things treated my alcoholism: either more alcohol or a spiritual awakening

Let's face it ..... the steps are a lot of work, it is uncomfortable work, and a spiritual basis of life carries a price tag to it. Sobriety = Meetings (fellowship) + Softball I wanted that too. It sounded simply delightful. For a while, I was angry that I had to do the work when others didn't. I would have liked an easier, softer way too.

I thought I was angry; in truth, I was jealous. Now that I am on the other side, I am grateful. I would not trade the life I have found for anything. I wouldn't go back even if I could. Today I feel sorry for those who are limiting themselves to "fellowship sobriety" when there is so, so much more. I have found in AA riches beyond compare.

aasharon90

It is important for me to avoid taking other peoples
inventories no matter if they are in recovery
or not. Holding resentments to them would allow
them to live rent free in my head, occupying
useful space in my head and heart.

Holding on to them would fester inside me
making me lose serenity and peace of mind
which then causes me health problems.

In fact, today I was thinking about this
statement. "he who is without sin cast
the first stone." And by no means am
I perfect nor wish to be.

DayTrader

Had (and sometimes still have) the same resentment. Hopefully some of the clarity I've found in it (FOR ME) will be helpful.

When you say "cause" I smile....seems to me you're looking for the "exact nature" and that' s a good thing - a great thing. A simple list of our wrongs or our sins turns our inventory into an "incident report." Tough to learn much from an incident report alone - more digging and more work is required and very helpful. We're challenged to look for "causes and conditions" and then in the 5th step......we admit not just all the "incidents" on our 4th step but the "exact natures" - the causes and conditions OF the incidents.

Here are some of the things I've discovered by looking at the same resentment within me:
- I think I "know" how a meeting should go
- I think I know better than God who should share and how they should do it
- I believe, egotistically, that everyone "should" share the way I want them to
-I believe only MY message is the best and forget that someone might need to hear it put a totally different way
- I forget that I too was "that guy" sharing a odd-ball story because, at the time, that was the best I could do -- I need to be accepting and forgiving of others when they're doing the best THEY can do.
- I forget how little the "bb quoters" helped ME early on.....that stuff was over my head and additionally, it seemed like they were just parrots anyway.

It was tough on my ego to go to a meeting, hear a half-baked "message" from person X, I share a "powerful" message, then watch a new guy go up to person X and thank them (but not ME) for saying just what they needed to hear. LOL.

Carrying a message to help someone ELSE, not my ego, that's what we're supposed to do. Who am I to decree just what message everyone "needs" at any particular time?

tomsteve

The first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Most people try to live by self-propulsion. Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his own way. If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements our actor may sometimes be quite virtuous. He may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, he may be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest. But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits.

What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right. He decides to exert himself more. He becomes, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, he is sure that other people are more to blame. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants? And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show? Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?

Our actor is self-centered - ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays. He is like the retired business man who lolls in the Florida sunshine in the winter complaining of the sad state of the nation; the minister who sighs over the sins of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopiaif the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever our protestations, are not most of us concerned with ourselves, our resentments, or our self-pity?

Selfishness - self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.

So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.

This is the how and why of it. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.



We turned back to the list, for it held the key to the future. We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol.

This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick
Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. When a person offended we said to ourselves, "This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."

We avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one



back up a step or 3. i'm playin God and on an ego trip when i think i know whats better for poeple when i dont even know whats good for myself.

MetalChick

I go to mostly step study meetings, but I can't see resenting anyone that is doing well playing softball--- whatever works, right?