tj77012

I relapsed on cocaine and porn after a 3yr period of drug sobriety. Now i'm feeling good and the guilt is fading. I just all over the place.

Dee74

Hi and welcome tj77012

I think if you don't want to relapse, if you're committed to change, and you're prepared to do whatever you have to stay in recovery, you'll be just fine

Are you using any support besides SR?

D

tj77012

Here's the thing, I have been clean and sober from all drugs for 3yrs. The only thing that I absolutely can't stop is the porn. Sometimes, the porn does trigger cocaine relapse and I go on a binge. The relapses occur within a yr or years apart.

Dee74

It's tempting to think I only do this X amount of times so I'm kinda ok - but looking back I really don't think it makes much of a difference if it's once a year or once a week if it's causing you problems and you can;t break free of the behaviour....in my experience you're either addicted or you're not.

I hope you'll check out the support links on your other thread - why not go to both groups?

D

KnowHope

That's part of what I've come to know as part of the insanity of addiction. A little time passes and we start thinking, "Hey, maybe it wasn't that bad..." or "This time it will be different." Is that reality, or if you look back is it absolutely mind boggling that you could even consider doing it again? If you see, the ultimate place it always winds up is: using. We hava a disease that wants us dead but will settle for us high. Addiction in any of its manifestations, substances, behaviors or otherwise, is painful, destructive and deadly. For me, I need to get my whole self cleaned up. The drugs were but a symptom.

tj77012

Wow, thanks guys. I really never looked at addiction as something that's always there. Now it makes more sense to me. Here I am with all these issues (generalized anxiety disorder, major depression, and addiction). When I was young I used to think that I could do anything, until I grew up and had to go through all these issues. Sometimes I say, ”why me?” ”What did I do?” Well, maybe its time to take responsibility. I have a daughter who's 7 and I know she needs me. It's been like a week and I have hardly eat, feel depressed, and just cant get over myself having a relapse. I was doing so good until this happened. Now that I think about it, I really hit rock bottom. Sniffing and ingesting cocaine? that's really suicidal and im not taking it as serious as I should. Now I think I messed up my tooth and might have to get it pulled because of ingesting cocaine. I just feel stupid and it's like I just won't ”listen.” I'm 28yrs old and I need to listen more. I have a therapist, psychiatrist, etc..., but it's not gonna ever work until I take care of this addiction. Its been off and on every since I was 15 when I went into my brothers stash and thats how it happened. Maybe if I just become more honest with myself then things will get better and stay better. I also have a 3.675 GPA in psychology almost done with my associates and im blowning it again??????? This is just insane, i'm starting to think im insane???? How am I going to be apart of psychology when I can't get my own life under control??

soberbrooke

The only thing that worked for me was the 12 step program I found in AA. There is Narcotics Anonymous also.
AA taught me to get out of my will and to start relying on the Will of my Higher Power. Once I "got" that, everything just started working out itself.

tj77012

Thank you Sober Brooke, the week is new and its time for me to go to some meetings. This will be my first time so im really scrared. I keep thinking like, ”damn, people are going to find out about me,” but i have no other choice. Im also going to the dentist tommorrow to get my tooth checked out. I think i messed it up during my cocaine binge of sniffing and ingesting it. I feel ashamed and stupid like, ”how could i actually have done something like that,?” I want to change and live my life the right way. Sometimes i think, ”maybe this is payback from my days as a dealer coming back as karma,” i dont know. To top this all off i fell back into a major depression. I cant eat and im losing my weight all over again. Its always something happening bad.

FMTT

Don't beat yourself up too much man. Relapses suck but just hop back on that horse and keep riding. Take care of that family of yours. They need you. Go to meetings. Stay out of your head. OK, maybe "hop back on the horse" can be taken the wrong way, I think you know what I mean. Life knocks us down so we get back up. Good luck to you.