liv1ce

I am now 44 days clean from oxy and in general I have felt really good. The withdrawals were acceptable and I felt I deserved the punishment. The only thing left now is that insomnia remains a bugaboo for me but I have learned to tolerate it. It will get better in its own time - or not. I feel strong. I feel healthy and clear headed. My love of woodworking is returning and I have turned out a couple things that make me recognize how clumsy I was when I was high. I feel myself coming back in many ways and becoming the person I left behind to get high the last three years.

So why do I feel so sad tonight. I am awake again tonight and typing on this website as I do. It is nice to find the comfort of others. I was replying to the situation of another when I had to sit back from my keyboard to absorb a sudden sad feeling.

Why am I here? Why at this stage of my life has it become necessary for me get myself off drugs - AGAIN.

I am getting older at 63. I have health issues that give me pause as to the finite nature of my life and the fact that I have only a few years left.

When I was younger - in the 60's and 70's - it was cool to be young and high. In my early middle life I could not get pot anymore and turned to alcohol - more alcohol than is humanely possible it seems in retrospect.

I quit alcohol with rehab but wasn't finished and found prescription drugs shortly after because I noticed that it could be covered up with lack of smell on the breath. You could smell bourbon but not oxy.

After years of that I cleaned up again and stayed that way for many years. Then I found it again and was gone for three years. THREE YEARS!!! DAMN IT!!!

I only have a limited time left and I wasted three years getting high and hating myself the whole time.

It saddens me to think that here I am, husband to a wonderful wife, father of five children and a grandfather of several and I was still scrounging for drugs. Here I am recovering again for christ sake.

44 days is a long ways from where I started May 4 but a miniscule part of my life. A life I seem to have spent getting high - or trying to. What a waste.

pinkdog

Dear liv, I think it is so important to forgive yourself. You are human. You made mistakes. You are on the right path now. Focus on that. You only have so much energy. Use it in a positive way. Count the things you are thankful for. This will carry you forward. I am a recovering alcoholic. 2 years plus. This is what carries me forward. Forgiveness and being present. Love to You

SeekingGrowth

Maybe not a waste. I have read a lot of your posts on this site, and have observed how helpful they are to so many. You have helped many on the Friends & Family forum (who are in severe emotional pain because we are dealing with addicted loved ones) gain understanding of this disease and what drives it. I'm sure you have also given strength and inspiration to many on this forum who are struggling to conquer their addictions. Maybe yours has been the critical voice that kept someone on the path of recovery rather than returning to the ruinous path of addiction.

None of us can really know our purpose(s) in this life. You are so fortunate to have a loving wife, children, and grandchildren, and to have maintained your job despite your struggles with addiction. You are that rare, strong person who is able to climb out of the rabbit hole (so to speak) and be in recovery for long periods of time - and hopefully this time, for the rest of your life. And because you are that person, you are able to give inspiration to others fighting the same fight, perhaps even saving a life (or more than one).

For all you know, your life - your positive impact on others and this world - may be more meaningful, more important BECAUSE of what you have endured from an addiction standpoint. So don't characterize your experience as a waste. Keep focusing on the "glass half full."

And thanks for all your posts - especially those on the Friends & Family forum (I know you were sort of skewered by some for your comments, but I for one appreciated hearing your perspective).

finaltime

The biggest thing to focus on is you are SOBER now. It is hard for us to let the past go, not beat ourselves up, and the list continues. As addicts we all know how easy it is for us to go back out, come back in etc. 44 days is a HUGE accomplishment. That is so awesome that you have a wonderful hobby of wood working. Keep at that. Take those pieces you made when you were high and get rid of them. I also struggle with looking back at things I did when I was high, or choices I made. The worst part is I thought I was unstoppable when I was high. I thought I was beyond gorgeous, confident, and it was all a big facade. Those stupid pills ran my life for way toooooo long. I am at 4 months now and still have sad days. Just this morning I was sad for no real reason. We have company in town and they all went dancing last night, I stayed at home because I need a full nights sleep. Try some sleepy time tea for your insomnia. I drank that religously during my first month. I am happy you are away from those oxys. At my highest point I was spending 200 a day on 30mg oxys. NEVER AGAIN.

liv1ce

Thank you all. Your words will inspire me today. After all it is father's day - it is isn't it? I am about to leave to return to my family who have gathered at the campground. I had to come home last night as there were too many people for an insomniac to exist. It is too much for me to feel trapped in bed when not sleeping and I need to wander. I came home to not sleep and type on this website.

I am up and ready to go. I am not high - 45 days - and will not be. Last night would have been a great excuse to be alone and get high as so many times. Hell, even if I had been in the family group I would have gotten high and drifted away. I still feel the regrets I felt last night but have taken your words to heart. I am back and going to stay that way.

Thanks.

Dee74

I no longer think of my years of active addiction as a waste liv1ce - they were simply what it took for me to get to this point, today, and to become the man I am now.

I'm like an old antique - if you strip me back you'll find many coats of varnish - some done well, some probably not so good a job - but they've all gone into making me what I am today

D

allforcnm

I am one of those people who has been positively affected by your lifes story, and the insight that you have shared. (and indeed I was introduced to you on the Friends and Family forum also). Like others mentioned, I know you had some bad experiences when you posted there, but to me your voice shined through that noise, and provided experience I could take with me.

It is a little ironic actually; I have made the trek this weekend with my 5 month old to visit my husband while he is still in rehab (~ 38 days) and share in his 1st Fathers Day. We spent a great day together yesterday and plan the same for today. But last night as I had some insomnia, my thoughts drifted to you and posts you had recently shared. And then I was coming onto SR today, because really I was just drawn to wish YOU a Happy Fathers Day. (and then first thing I saw your latest post).

So don’t you see…. Your words have made a positive impression on me, and Ive only just seen from SR a tiny portion of who you are as a person. You may look back at your experiences in life and have some regret, but all that you have gone through has made you who you are, and now you have a voice that can shine through all the noise and bring a positive into others lives. That is very special gift.

I wish you Happy Day with your family today. Sometimes I realize family does not take the opportunity to tell their loved ones, just how much strength, love and wisdom they have gained from their relationship, but it is still there. I have a feeling that you have enriched the lives of your wife, children, grandchildren, coworkers, friends…….just as you have enriched the lives of those here on SR…..

So please be kind to yourself and allow forgiveness & acceptance to wash over the parts of your past that trouble you…. Carpe Diem….. Seize the Day !

wellwisher

Bingo - Dee - you hit the target.

I spent quite a bit of time muttering the words "I coulda been a contender", but you know what? If I didn't go through what I did, I never would have met Mrs. A or Mr K or a myriad of other people in my life, and I probably would have remained estranged from my family, which is a huge source of joy and comfort today. JB may have really left for good, and we wouldn't be sharing meals nightly and sharing our life and experiences together.

One of my best friends never saw the light and is so sick and in and out of hospitals and jail and continues to drink today, even though it has cost her dearly. Truth be known, if I continued, I probably wouldn't be here today. I have family members who continued drinking even when told that if they continued, they would die, and that wasn't enough to scare them back to sanity. They are not with us anymore.

I savor where I am now because I've learned before the drink got me in the end, and try each and every day to help someone along on their path.

Celebrate your sobriety - some never achieve it. Give freely to others the benefit of your experience.

I may be getting older, but I'm not buried yet, and have already lived longer than my alcoholic uncle and youngest alcoholic brother. That's not saying much since I am at the ripe old age of 52. I fully intend to live the balance of my life substance free, and free from the demons that ensnared me during my highly active, drinking and using days.

Where there is breath, there is hope. I spend a lot of time being grateful for what I do have. So much better than thinking about what might have been, because truth be known, I may not have ever gotten it anyway and it ALWAYS stands in the way of what we have today.

Enjoy your day today - that's what its about.

All my best...

liv1ce

Again, thanks to everyone for the support. I have always been one to feel that I am an amalgam of all the things at I have done - good and bad - and if I am happy with that then it is a good result. I stumble when it comes to these last three years, however, as it was so out of the blue and after so much time. I learned little from it other than my foolishness did not disappear with age. More importantly I learned that I am still susceptible and can still skip gleefully to hell without a single thought. VIGILANCE - a necessity.

All of your words and advice have been inspiring and heard with gratitude.

I enjoy the wordy replies because I get to see more of you that way but Dee you manage to say so much in so few words.