Parent of Addict - Need advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1
Parent of Addict - Need advice
Hello,
I am a mom of a 20 year old whom we just found out has been abusing drugs since he was about 14. I don't know how this happened in our home and right under our nose, he hid it very well. We were always very close and even sat at the dinner table every single night as a family yet we did not know our son was using what he says now was cocaine and now meth.
Our son abrubtly moved out and in with some friends this past February, every time I would see him he was getting thinner and thinner, I asked him what was wrong and he said he was just working out and losing. I felt deep down it was not true.
As we would come over to visit him things were just not sitting well with us and I was getting bad feelings about all of it. About 8 days ago we went to drop something off to him unannounced and when he didn't open the door or answer his phone we walked in and found him passed out amongst needles and garbage barely able to wake up. We physically removed him from the house, packed up his belongings and moved him home.
Right now my husband is out of work, and I am barely working, my son has no insurance and we really have no way to pay for help. Knowing the place he works has many people who use drugs we quit the job for him basically and have been trying to help him at home. Watching him as much as possible.
I am new to this I have never dealt with an addict before so though we've been reading and trying to learn I don't really know what to expect. He admits to injecting cocaine and meth and has also tried many other drugs, pretty much everything according to him and has been doing this since 14. He doesn't really want to quit 100% he says he likes doing it but is willing to try to remain sober for us because we were devastated to find him that way.
Since he's been home the first few days he was irritable and just slept and slept and slept. He even seemed to be going through withdrawls and had bad bouts of stomach cramps and diarrhea/vomiting. We went through his things to be sure he didn't have access to drugs.
Yesterday we picked up his last paycheck and he ran in to the store to get himself a few things he needed. Today my youngest son 14 told us that our older son purchased rubbing alcohol and qtips. We found tons of qtips and rubbing alcohol all over his room in the house he was living in along with the needles so I was concerned to hear that he bought some more. Last night he told us his ears hurt when he cleaned them, my gut instinct was that he said this so if we found these supplies we'd think he was using qtips and alcohol to clean his ears. Also last night was the first night he didn't sleep, he was up all night "cleaning his room" at 4 am he was up and dressed and folding clothes and had his closet ripped apart.
Today he was back to being irritable and snappy. I have a feeling though he swears he's been clean since he came here my instints tell me he used last night. Another thing that drew my attention was that he had a clorox clean up pen in his things which I put in the laundry room yesterday where laundry supplies go and this morning it was on the night stand in his room. I don't know much about meth or other drugs but thought he might be doing something with this that isn't good, again just a gut instinct.
We confronted him today and he swears once again he hasn't used since we brought him home and promises not to. I am so concerned and scared for him and don't really know the warning signs to watch out for. Can anyone who has experience help me??? It's a tough time for all of us, right now I am awaiting to find out on Monday if I have breast cancer and not feeling well this is a tough cross to bear for all of us.
Now I have also noticed that undercover cops have been watching our home, I am almost positive of it. I am assuming it's because of the house my son had been living in and the people he associated himself with and I am so worried. Can anyone offer any advice. Is there any place in Florida where i can get him free help for counseling and recovery? Please I am desparate.
M
I am a mom of a 20 year old whom we just found out has been abusing drugs since he was about 14. I don't know how this happened in our home and right under our nose, he hid it very well. We were always very close and even sat at the dinner table every single night as a family yet we did not know our son was using what he says now was cocaine and now meth.
Our son abrubtly moved out and in with some friends this past February, every time I would see him he was getting thinner and thinner, I asked him what was wrong and he said he was just working out and losing. I felt deep down it was not true.
As we would come over to visit him things were just not sitting well with us and I was getting bad feelings about all of it. About 8 days ago we went to drop something off to him unannounced and when he didn't open the door or answer his phone we walked in and found him passed out amongst needles and garbage barely able to wake up. We physically removed him from the house, packed up his belongings and moved him home.
Right now my husband is out of work, and I am barely working, my son has no insurance and we really have no way to pay for help. Knowing the place he works has many people who use drugs we quit the job for him basically and have been trying to help him at home. Watching him as much as possible.
I am new to this I have never dealt with an addict before so though we've been reading and trying to learn I don't really know what to expect. He admits to injecting cocaine and meth and has also tried many other drugs, pretty much everything according to him and has been doing this since 14. He doesn't really want to quit 100% he says he likes doing it but is willing to try to remain sober for us because we were devastated to find him that way.
Since he's been home the first few days he was irritable and just slept and slept and slept. He even seemed to be going through withdrawls and had bad bouts of stomach cramps and diarrhea/vomiting. We went through his things to be sure he didn't have access to drugs.
Yesterday we picked up his last paycheck and he ran in to the store to get himself a few things he needed. Today my youngest son 14 told us that our older son purchased rubbing alcohol and qtips. We found tons of qtips and rubbing alcohol all over his room in the house he was living in along with the needles so I was concerned to hear that he bought some more. Last night he told us his ears hurt when he cleaned them, my gut instinct was that he said this so if we found these supplies we'd think he was using qtips and alcohol to clean his ears. Also last night was the first night he didn't sleep, he was up all night "cleaning his room" at 4 am he was up and dressed and folding clothes and had his closet ripped apart.
Today he was back to being irritable and snappy. I have a feeling though he swears he's been clean since he came here my instints tell me he used last night. Another thing that drew my attention was that he had a clorox clean up pen in his things which I put in the laundry room yesterday where laundry supplies go and this morning it was on the night stand in his room. I don't know much about meth or other drugs but thought he might be doing something with this that isn't good, again just a gut instinct.
We confronted him today and he swears once again he hasn't used since we brought him home and promises not to. I am so concerned and scared for him and don't really know the warning signs to watch out for. Can anyone who has experience help me??? It's a tough time for all of us, right now I am awaiting to find out on Monday if I have breast cancer and not feeling well this is a tough cross to bear for all of us.
Now I have also noticed that undercover cops have been watching our home, I am almost positive of it. I am assuming it's because of the house my son had been living in and the people he associated himself with and I am so worried. Can anyone offer any advice. Is there any place in Florida where i can get him free help for counseling and recovery? Please I am desparate.
M
TheMostSordidSpotOnEarth
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: ParadiseOnEarth
Posts: 811
Hi Scared,
I'm so sorry you're going through this as I understand how painful and confusing addiction can be for loved ones of the addict. I'm an addict/alcoholic in recovery myself now 3 years clean/sober, and I genuinely did not have an adequate concept of the ways in which my condition was hurting the people that love me. In my own case, I was able to find recovery through AA and NA after detoxing at home, and beyond self-supporting donations there are no dues or fees for either. I would very seriously suggest looking into Naranon or Alanon to help you through this. There are friends and family sections on this site as well that you may find helpful.
Here are some links to things that have helped me. Note that they're for alcoholism, but I think they apply just the same to addiction:
Alanon Step 1: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/pdf/B-24_step1Web.pdf
Alanon Detachment: http://www.seattle-al-anon.org/PDF%2...etatchment.pdf
Living with the Family Disease of Alcoholism: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/pdf/B29_2.pdf
My thoughts and prayers are with you, your son and your family.
With love,
SIU
I'm so sorry you're going through this as I understand how painful and confusing addiction can be for loved ones of the addict. I'm an addict/alcoholic in recovery myself now 3 years clean/sober, and I genuinely did not have an adequate concept of the ways in which my condition was hurting the people that love me. In my own case, I was able to find recovery through AA and NA after detoxing at home, and beyond self-supporting donations there are no dues or fees for either. I would very seriously suggest looking into Naranon or Alanon to help you through this. There are friends and family sections on this site as well that you may find helpful.
Here are some links to things that have helped me. Note that they're for alcoholism, but I think they apply just the same to addiction:
Alanon Step 1: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/pdf/B-24_step1Web.pdf
Alanon Detachment: http://www.seattle-al-anon.org/PDF%2...etatchment.pdf
Living with the Family Disease of Alcoholism: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/pdf/B29_2.pdf
My thoughts and prayers are with you, your son and your family.
With love,
SIU
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 41
Oh Scared, I am so, so very sorry. You are going through hell, I've been there too. You don't sleep or eat and can't concentrate worth a darn. I'm sorry but I don't know anything about Florida treatment facilities, my state has a couple that are income based. There is usually a 4 week wait, however. You might try calling the county health department where you live and asking there.
My concern for you, is that your son may not be ready for treatment. Usually, unless a judge requires in-patient treatment, treatment is voluntary and an addict can walk out of the facility whenever he pleases. So, you may be able to get him into treatment, but you might not be able to keep him there. After you have pinned your hopes on a treatment facility only to learn that your child left, is really devastating, its happened to me.
Fortunately, after a number of failures, my daughter has been clean for about 90 days and is making plans for the future. However, I am not planning too far ahead because I know that everything is tentative.
May I make a couple of suggestions? First, read all of the information that is printed on this website. There are some very wise people here and they have given some great advice that is accumulated in the stickies. Next for my two cents, make sure that your son has no access to money. None. If he needs gas, cigarettes, anything, you go and buy it for him. Do not give him cash or allow him access to your credit cards. I lived for a year with no money in my wallet, just my ATM card.
Next, "addict-proof" your house. Remove all jewelry, silver, collectibles, etc. I lost three generations of silver to a friend of my daughter who was an addict (they run in packs) and my grandmothers gold pieces fed my daughters habit until I realized what was happening.
The idea is that although you can't make him stop using drugs, you don't want to make it easy for him to continue.
Finally, the worst thing in the world may not be your son being arrested. Sometimes I think that my daughter's arrest and subsequent supervised probation may have saved her life.
So, those are my thoughts for now. My heart breaks for you and your family. You will survive, but you won't be the same.
My concern for you, is that your son may not be ready for treatment. Usually, unless a judge requires in-patient treatment, treatment is voluntary and an addict can walk out of the facility whenever he pleases. So, you may be able to get him into treatment, but you might not be able to keep him there. After you have pinned your hopes on a treatment facility only to learn that your child left, is really devastating, its happened to me.
Fortunately, after a number of failures, my daughter has been clean for about 90 days and is making plans for the future. However, I am not planning too far ahead because I know that everything is tentative.
May I make a couple of suggestions? First, read all of the information that is printed on this website. There are some very wise people here and they have given some great advice that is accumulated in the stickies. Next for my two cents, make sure that your son has no access to money. None. If he needs gas, cigarettes, anything, you go and buy it for him. Do not give him cash or allow him access to your credit cards. I lived for a year with no money in my wallet, just my ATM card.
Next, "addict-proof" your house. Remove all jewelry, silver, collectibles, etc. I lost three generations of silver to a friend of my daughter who was an addict (they run in packs) and my grandmothers gold pieces fed my daughters habit until I realized what was happening.
The idea is that although you can't make him stop using drugs, you don't want to make it easy for him to continue.
Finally, the worst thing in the world may not be your son being arrested. Sometimes I think that my daughter's arrest and subsequent supervised probation may have saved her life.
So, those are my thoughts for now. My heart breaks for you and your family. You will survive, but you won't be the same.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Son or no son....your health issue needs immediate atention.
I'm getting Chemo for my 2 lung cancers..and they are responding
in a positive way. All my best as you find whatever your
doctor deems necessary....
When dealing with loved ones in aactive addiction ..Alanon was very
useful. I suggest you and your husband find a local group..it's free
and full of people who understand this difficult situation..
The Salvation Army has free centers in many areas...with various types of programs.
However the addict/alcoholic will have to conform to their rules in order to stay.
About "no cash" Yes I agree and also...I suggest you lock up anything that could be used to trade for drugs...cars included.
No leaving the keys around....nor your jewery or cell phones..
All of those are popular trades...as well as camers ..TV's
Yes...stealing is often part of the addicts life.
Sorry to know your family are dealing with these distressful situations. Prayers going out....welcome.....
I'm getting Chemo for my 2 lung cancers..and they are responding
in a positive way. All my best as you find whatever your
doctor deems necessary....
When dealing with loved ones in aactive addiction ..Alanon was very
useful. I suggest you and your husband find a local group..it's free
and full of people who understand this difficult situation..
The Salvation Army has free centers in many areas...with various types of programs.
However the addict/alcoholic will have to conform to their rules in order to stay.
About "no cash" Yes I agree and also...I suggest you lock up anything that could be used to trade for drugs...cars included.
No leaving the keys around....nor your jewery or cell phones..
All of those are popular trades...as well as camers ..TV's
Yes...stealing is often part of the addicts life.
Sorry to know your family are dealing with these distressful situations. Prayers going out....welcome.....
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome AndreaB....
Have you checked out our Friends and Family Forums?
Here is a link to one
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Hope this is the time for your daughter's recovery.
Prayers zipping out for both of you...
Have you checked out our Friends and Family Forums?
Here is a link to one
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Hope this is the time for your daughter's recovery.
Prayers zipping out for both of you...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Dalton
Posts: 1
This is breaking my heart for you. I am a grateful recovering addict who married an addict. When we first met, I had been clean for 4 years and he had just gotten out of jail. I went through all the things you are right now with him. I know that he stayed up for days, then slept for days and was not on any type of drug. His body was so devastated that he was either all the way up or at rock bottom. Thankfully, he was sentenced to a program where he was required to take classes and drug screens. He also had to attend NA meetings. He rebelled on all counts until one day, he stopped complaining. :-) If you are not open to taking him to a drug treatment facility (some are government funded) then PLEASE take him to Narcotics Anonymous meetings! There are open meetings, so that you can attend with him. Show him support and let him know you believe in him. He needs a Basic Text and It Works: How and Why right away. Even if you have to use force, threats of jail, whatever- it's worth it! Over a year later and my husband is still drug free, and chairing the meetings! Give it to God and have faith! He will become receptive and get the tools he needs there. You will be in my prayers.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
powerless123......Welcome to SR
Glad to know you and your husband are doing well.
..
Thanks for joining with us and for shareing part of your life.
All my best to the two of you
...Welcome to SRGlad to know you and your husband are doing well.
..
Thanks for joining with us and for shareing part of your life.
All my best to the two of you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
I am (was) the mother on an addict and have found the Friends & Family of Substance Abusers forum on this site to be very helpful. I would highly recommend it. I would also recommend locking up your valuables - I lost a lot of jewelry before I realized what was going on. An addict will do whatever it takes to get high, unless HE wants recovery and wants it badly. You said that your son is not 100% committed to recovery, but says that he will quit for you. In my experience, it doesn't work that way. Recovery is not going to happen unless HE wants it FOR HIMSELF. He will say whatever it takes - lie and manipulate, as addicts do - to create space for himself to use, unless HE really wants to quit. And then, given what you have related, he probably won't be able to do it on his own without some type of recovery program. Sounds like he's too far in for that.
Addiction is a progressive disease that tricks the brain into thinking that the drug is necessary for survival - more necessary and important than ANYTHING else. As a result, the addict will do whatever it takes, and sacrifice things you would never imagine, to get the drug. In my experience - and the experience of countless other parents - you cannot reason, love, or force an addict into recovery. He has to want it for himself, and usually an addict won't want it unless the negative consequences of addiction outweigh the perceived benefits of getting high.
I recommend that you find a local Naranon or Alanon group and start attending meetings. You will need the support, because you are likely in for a rough ride. You and your son will be in my prayers.
Addiction is a progressive disease that tricks the brain into thinking that the drug is necessary for survival - more necessary and important than ANYTHING else. As a result, the addict will do whatever it takes, and sacrifice things you would never imagine, to get the drug. In my experience - and the experience of countless other parents - you cannot reason, love, or force an addict into recovery. He has to want it for himself, and usually an addict won't want it unless the negative consequences of addiction outweigh the perceived benefits of getting high.
I recommend that you find a local Naranon or Alanon group and start attending meetings. You will need the support, because you are likely in for a rough ride. You and your son will be in my prayers.
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