My Ongoing Story
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1
My Ongoing Story
First of all I would like to take the time to thank this site and the people of this site. You guys...for making this possible. I'm new here, but I'm happy we live in a time where we can express ourselves freely in an environment of anonymity, where others can become more than anonymous strangers, and actually help each other through tough times with stories, advice, or what have you. And for anyone who decides to read this, your time spent doing so will not go, without true appreciation. I mean that.
Improvise is the name...Opiates is my game. But before i get into that, I want to briefly tell you about myself. I'm 23 years old, turning 24 in a couple of months. I just had a baby boy who will be turning 4 months in a little less than two weeks. He is my first child, and my love for him is unexplainable. He is the true reason I exist. And for him, i would do anything. I just wish he could tell me to stop himself, but he's too busy smiling, drooling, and teething everywhere. But...in an unexplainable way, he is actually is the one who motivates me to seek a better understanding of what I'm dealing with. And so now I find myself here. Thank you son.
My story may or may not be like yours but for the short time I've been on here, I've read quite a few inspirational recoveries. And so it begins...or ends, for that matter. Lord willing...
It all started when i was 19 years old on vacation visiting some very close relatives. I don't mean they were literally relatively close proximity wise, but in a sense that they are undoubtedly part of my immediate family. I love them like no other. My cousin, who also happens to be my God sister, whom I love like she is actually my sister, was starting up a new feel good regimen. We're very close...we pretty much know everything about each other. We were born 6 months apart and have been together ever since, until she moved a thousand miles away when we were both about 14 years old. It was a beautiful summer night and I was enjoying my time with my family. We had ordered pizza and even played a little Monopoly, haha, yes very throwback, I know. When out of nowhere she asks me if I wanted to try a pill. Me being me, and her being her, I didn't even have to think twice. This is my sister, of course I'm going try it. And before I go on I have to say that I don't blame her for anything. Free will is free will. So I decided to try it out. It was a 7.5 mg generic Vicodin. I took it no problem. Keep in mind that I have never popped a pill in my life. I have been smoking trees since i was 14 though, and I remember her giving me hell about that. Even though now whenever we get together we always smoke a couple blunts, funny huh? But back to the pill, it took a little while to hit me but when it did, it felt very unfamiliar for obvious reasons but I must say I enjoyed it. Until 15 minutes later when I ran into the bathroom and threw up all my pizza. From that moment, it was a couple years before I tried them again.
I was about 21 when I decided to try them again. And yes it was with her. And I was loving it. She gave me my own special stash with 5 mg, 7.5 mg, and 10 mg Vicodin. I was still new to the game so I was barely touching my bag. I'd take a 5 or 7.5 here and there, really nothing too alarming. But then of course, a little while later, I was taking the 10 mg Vicodin. And at my max, 15 mg at a time. I did this for about the 3 weeks I stayed there. On the third to last day of my vacation I started to get a little sick. Slight fever, sore throat, you know the deal, the usual suspects. Keep in mind I was still using the Vicodin while i was sick that day, but the next day my symptoms flared up and I decided to just stop taking them. With absolutely no reason behind it. I just decided to stop, it was fun, but that's it. She then warned me that I might have withdrawals but I really didn't think much of it. On my last day there, I was feeling like S#!%. I was dying to catch my flight back home and lay in my own bed. I got home and my fever got worse...the whole nine. I was sick for a week when i finally decided to go see my Doctor. I told her my symptoms, and she did her Doctor thing, and gave me some shots that were supposed to help. And they did. I felt a little better. From that day on I started to feel more and more like myself. But regardless, I was "sick" for about 2 weeks. Now looking back, there's no doubt in my mind that I was going through flu like symptoms mixed in with the worst withdrawals I had every experienced, unknowingly of course. From then on, in my city, I would find an occasional 4 to 5 pills...7.5 mg or so, and have a nice weekend. There was nothing to it. I wasn't on it long enough to develop a dependency this time.
This went on 'til i turned 23 last year. I was visiting my family once again and my cousin already had my stash ready without me even asking. I started at about 15 mg at a time and then eventually to 20 mg. Taking 15 or 20 mg twice or three times a day. Then it was time to go back home. I got back home, I had a lot going on with my friends but i just wasn't up to it. I was depressed, I missed my family like never before. I didn't even think about the pills, not once. Just my family. I was unfocused and wasn't myself for about a week. And in retrospect, one could say that I was just going through withdrawals again, only this time i didn't really have any physical symptoms. Fast forward to 2012 and I managed to get myself a prescription for 10 mg/325 Vicodin. 240 pills. 5 refills. It is now June 11th, 2012. I've been out of my pills for the past 5 days including today. I managed to grab a couple Percocets on Thursday, (The day I ran out), and a couple more the next day. Today is now Monday and from then until now has been the worst withdrawals I have ever experienced. At this very moment I'm restless, I have no appetite, I haven't had an appetite since Thursday, and I've lost about 5 pounds. I managed to find some Lorazepam for my Restless Legs, which actually helped with my RLS, but I still couldn't sleep more than 40 minutes tonight. It is now 5:54 AM and I'm sitting here typing. It actually feels therapeutic in some way. And according to my timeline, I'm only at the tip of Day 3 considering I managed to find those Percs on my original Day 1 and Day 2.
Now this is where it gets interesting. I'm actually feeling about 10% better than i did yesterday. Which to me, is astounding. Although I still feel like I'm dying. I'm appreciating the pain I'm going through. It's sort of a life lesson in a sense. Yesterday was the worst I've ever experienced. I literally had water in my eyes. A grown man on the verge of crying because of repercussions of a seemingly harmless little pill. Which we all know otherwise. But there are a few things that I decided to mention last. Tomorrow at midnight, I will be eligible to pick up my last refill. That's another 240 pills. And I would be lying if I said I wasn't counting the seconds until I got my hands on them. But, now that I've written all this down, I seriously am debating whether I want to or not. But I mean...who wouldn't want to hop back on the wave we all know and love? It feels good damn it. But now that I've typed this up, I truly feel differently. It's crazy...I haven't even gotten a response from anyone, let alone even posted this. That must be a good sign right???
I spoke to my cousin yesterday and told her what I've been going through. She told me I was scaring her because she herself is still dependent and is scared to take the leap. Keep in mind that she's been at this a lot longer than I have. Her doses, and number of doses a day...hurts me to say this...is about 4 times as much as mine. I understand her fear. I truly do. But now I'm starting to think of the possible outcomes of my situation, and her's as well. I could say F!#% it and keep the ride going. Or...I could become the driver, instead of being the passenger to this seemingly ironic experience. And I say this because most of us initially begin taking these to help mask the pain, when in reality, we're cutting to a deeper pain than we were to begin with. It's really something to think about. And now that I'm coming to my conclusion, I feel as if I'm ready. I'm ready to make a change, and hopefully promote a change in others some day. Just my two cents. Just my ongoing story. God bless.
Improvise is the name...Opiates is my game. But before i get into that, I want to briefly tell you about myself. I'm 23 years old, turning 24 in a couple of months. I just had a baby boy who will be turning 4 months in a little less than two weeks. He is my first child, and my love for him is unexplainable. He is the true reason I exist. And for him, i would do anything. I just wish he could tell me to stop himself, but he's too busy smiling, drooling, and teething everywhere. But...in an unexplainable way, he is actually is the one who motivates me to seek a better understanding of what I'm dealing with. And so now I find myself here. Thank you son.
My story may or may not be like yours but for the short time I've been on here, I've read quite a few inspirational recoveries. And so it begins...or ends, for that matter. Lord willing...
It all started when i was 19 years old on vacation visiting some very close relatives. I don't mean they were literally relatively close proximity wise, but in a sense that they are undoubtedly part of my immediate family. I love them like no other. My cousin, who also happens to be my God sister, whom I love like she is actually my sister, was starting up a new feel good regimen. We're very close...we pretty much know everything about each other. We were born 6 months apart and have been together ever since, until she moved a thousand miles away when we were both about 14 years old. It was a beautiful summer night and I was enjoying my time with my family. We had ordered pizza and even played a little Monopoly, haha, yes very throwback, I know. When out of nowhere she asks me if I wanted to try a pill. Me being me, and her being her, I didn't even have to think twice. This is my sister, of course I'm going try it. And before I go on I have to say that I don't blame her for anything. Free will is free will. So I decided to try it out. It was a 7.5 mg generic Vicodin. I took it no problem. Keep in mind that I have never popped a pill in my life. I have been smoking trees since i was 14 though, and I remember her giving me hell about that. Even though now whenever we get together we always smoke a couple blunts, funny huh? But back to the pill, it took a little while to hit me but when it did, it felt very unfamiliar for obvious reasons but I must say I enjoyed it. Until 15 minutes later when I ran into the bathroom and threw up all my pizza. From that moment, it was a couple years before I tried them again.
I was about 21 when I decided to try them again. And yes it was with her. And I was loving it. She gave me my own special stash with 5 mg, 7.5 mg, and 10 mg Vicodin. I was still new to the game so I was barely touching my bag. I'd take a 5 or 7.5 here and there, really nothing too alarming. But then of course, a little while later, I was taking the 10 mg Vicodin. And at my max, 15 mg at a time. I did this for about the 3 weeks I stayed there. On the third to last day of my vacation I started to get a little sick. Slight fever, sore throat, you know the deal, the usual suspects. Keep in mind I was still using the Vicodin while i was sick that day, but the next day my symptoms flared up and I decided to just stop taking them. With absolutely no reason behind it. I just decided to stop, it was fun, but that's it. She then warned me that I might have withdrawals but I really didn't think much of it. On my last day there, I was feeling like S#!%. I was dying to catch my flight back home and lay in my own bed. I got home and my fever got worse...the whole nine. I was sick for a week when i finally decided to go see my Doctor. I told her my symptoms, and she did her Doctor thing, and gave me some shots that were supposed to help. And they did. I felt a little better. From that day on I started to feel more and more like myself. But regardless, I was "sick" for about 2 weeks. Now looking back, there's no doubt in my mind that I was going through flu like symptoms mixed in with the worst withdrawals I had every experienced, unknowingly of course. From then on, in my city, I would find an occasional 4 to 5 pills...7.5 mg or so, and have a nice weekend. There was nothing to it. I wasn't on it long enough to develop a dependency this time.
This went on 'til i turned 23 last year. I was visiting my family once again and my cousin already had my stash ready without me even asking. I started at about 15 mg at a time and then eventually to 20 mg. Taking 15 or 20 mg twice or three times a day. Then it was time to go back home. I got back home, I had a lot going on with my friends but i just wasn't up to it. I was depressed, I missed my family like never before. I didn't even think about the pills, not once. Just my family. I was unfocused and wasn't myself for about a week. And in retrospect, one could say that I was just going through withdrawals again, only this time i didn't really have any physical symptoms. Fast forward to 2012 and I managed to get myself a prescription for 10 mg/325 Vicodin. 240 pills. 5 refills. It is now June 11th, 2012. I've been out of my pills for the past 5 days including today. I managed to grab a couple Percocets on Thursday, (The day I ran out), and a couple more the next day. Today is now Monday and from then until now has been the worst withdrawals I have ever experienced. At this very moment I'm restless, I have no appetite, I haven't had an appetite since Thursday, and I've lost about 5 pounds. I managed to find some Lorazepam for my Restless Legs, which actually helped with my RLS, but I still couldn't sleep more than 40 minutes tonight. It is now 5:54 AM and I'm sitting here typing. It actually feels therapeutic in some way. And according to my timeline, I'm only at the tip of Day 3 considering I managed to find those Percs on my original Day 1 and Day 2.
Now this is where it gets interesting. I'm actually feeling about 10% better than i did yesterday. Which to me, is astounding. Although I still feel like I'm dying. I'm appreciating the pain I'm going through. It's sort of a life lesson in a sense. Yesterday was the worst I've ever experienced. I literally had water in my eyes. A grown man on the verge of crying because of repercussions of a seemingly harmless little pill. Which we all know otherwise. But there are a few things that I decided to mention last. Tomorrow at midnight, I will be eligible to pick up my last refill. That's another 240 pills. And I would be lying if I said I wasn't counting the seconds until I got my hands on them. But, now that I've written all this down, I seriously am debating whether I want to or not. But I mean...who wouldn't want to hop back on the wave we all know and love? It feels good damn it. But now that I've typed this up, I truly feel differently. It's crazy...I haven't even gotten a response from anyone, let alone even posted this. That must be a good sign right???
I spoke to my cousin yesterday and told her what I've been going through. She told me I was scaring her because she herself is still dependent and is scared to take the leap. Keep in mind that she's been at this a lot longer than I have. Her doses, and number of doses a day...hurts me to say this...is about 4 times as much as mine. I understand her fear. I truly do. But now I'm starting to think of the possible outcomes of my situation, and her's as well. I could say F!#% it and keep the ride going. Or...I could become the driver, instead of being the passenger to this seemingly ironic experience. And I say this because most of us initially begin taking these to help mask the pain, when in reality, we're cutting to a deeper pain than we were to begin with. It's really something to think about. And now that I'm coming to my conclusion, I feel as if I'm ready. I'm ready to make a change, and hopefully promote a change in others some day. Just my two cents. Just my ongoing story. God bless.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Hey Improvise. Welcome. I started out as a pill popper basically the same as you. Once I got up to 40+ 10mg's a day I switched to oxy then H. Trust me I thought I would NEVER EVER go there. Let that serve as a warning to you. This thing IS PROGRESSIVE. Your doses will continue to go up and up and before you know it you will be doing what your cousin is doing or more. Jump off the ride now before it takes you down any further. I am sure you are telling yourself that you will just pick up that last script and make it last. Never take them two days in a row - yadda yadda. Don't do it! You will be right back where you started if not worse. You are on the tail end of the withdrawals. Why would you want to do it all over again in a few weeks or less? I hope you make the right choice. Keep us posted. Take care!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
The best gift you can give your son is a clean and sober Dad
I've yet to meet an adult who said how proud and pleased they were
that their parents were addict/alcoholics.
Please stop now..there is no reason to keep this going.
Welcome...
.
I've yet to meet an adult who said how proud and pleased they were
that their parents were addict/alcoholics.
Please stop now..there is no reason to keep this going.
Welcome...
.
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