Frusttrated

The story starts with my freshman year, i was deep in depression from a broken home. i grew up with an older skitsophernic brother(different fathers) who wanted me dead from the day i was born, im told he tried to kill me in the crib although obviously i was too young to remember. what i do remember is how much he despised me growing up. Then he started taking a turn for the worse when i was in 4th grade, we found out recently he got ahold of some bad drugs and while everybody else at the party got treated, he didnt. after a while i decided i didnt like living like that so i set myself on fire and my stepdad put it out, i never told anybody i did it on purpose until a couple years ago.

Then my stepdad left and life went on the same until my older brother ended up in jail for fighting and got into more trouble and spent 5 years in prison. My mother turned bitter, me and my little brother didnt get along very well, so during my first freshman year i tried to comiit suicide with adderal. obviously i didnt do my research, because you cant really die from aderal altho my heart rate and blood pressure were dangerously high.

i remember after i got out of the mental hospital my lil brother hated me for it and my mother became even more bitter. i felt very nausious for a long time , maybe because of the medicine or the adderal, idk. and since i had pretty much shut down for years i didnt feel much of anything else. so we moved and a few months later i started smoking weed. everyday i smoked weed, it was the escape i always needed. i was high most of the school year until i mother met this guy named tony. tony was tall black, and ghettoish, he waas also a psycho, tho we didnt find out about that for a bit. sorry but i need to add one thing, after the adderal, i had noticed that my penis was a lot shorter than it used it to be, i looked online and i guessed it was from depression and was too embarassed to say anything. tony started stealing my weed which mmy friends either gave me or i got by selling my adderal(iwas still taking antidepressantss). one day him and my mom got into it so he took her car and we went on a drive to the inner city n he got a fat joint, he started smoking and he offered it to me. so we smoked it and i quickly realied there was something wrong with this weed, i later found out it was laced, with crack or pcp i forgot which, the lights were really bright and i couldnt stay awake so i passed out in the car, at least i think. .

I checked myself into a mental hospital because weed wasnt helping anymore after asking the school to force my parents to take me. it was a waste of time, all they did was babysit me.me and tony later got intoa fist fight over the wfay he was treating my mom and i got my ass kicked. she defended him and i got sent to my grandmothers until she could find a place to send me away. at my grandmas i had a what i guess is a breakdown, all the emotion built inside me bursted finally and i started destroying stuff, i broke her tv, so i got sent to a mental hospital which put me on lithium, seroquel, welbutrin, fluvoxamine, and another one turning me into a zombie and i got sent to a residential for 85 days until my insurance ran out and my dad came and got me. i never received treatment there.

So i moved in with my dad and started going to school(3rd freshman year) and did terrible. the medicine was weighing down on me, and sometimes i could fight through it but when i did i so out of touch with everybody that it didnt matter so id go bak under. i tried taking myself off for about a month cold turkey and my dad found out sent me to a mental hospital because he thought i needed it, another babysitting place except this one had a guy messed up there on pcp that reminded me of my brother. i got out smoked some weed with these guys and it was the worst feeling ever, i couldnt see where i was going and someone pushed me onto the bus, i felt like i was a skeleton and i just wanted to die. i dont remember getting home or anything after a while of that. aparentyly lithium and weed can do that to you.

I finished the year and told my dad i was dropping out of highschool and going to job corps where i took myself off the medicine cold turkey with job corps permision(i told them i had already stopped) and went offf cold turkey again. i was finally free of any drug, and it was confusing. after a few month i started making a couple friends tho i mostly stayed in my dorm room. after a while i started snorting pills every once ina whil if i was offered some(not very often) or bought some. i went on leave for a couple parties where i got drunk for the first time, and then i went on leave with 4 other dudes and we got some funky monkey(k2) i hit harder than the other guys (i think) and i also seemed to be the highest for some reason...ridiculously high. i started burning up and then cold flashes and laughing my ass off and then i tried to open my mind like my brother used to describe to me and i hallucinated sort of, i could look at a car and instead see a boat that was moving, then it just happened on its own. then we did the same thing again the next night and we went bak to job corps, eventually i left there because i suck at welding and i couldnt switch trades and i was free of my depression i think. i dont even know what life without depresssion feels like, i dont know what feeling normal feels like.

I went to try to get in the army and did really well but they denied me because of my medical history even tho i lied about it. so i went bak to what i knew. weed. but weed just wasnt the same. it made me feel slothful and out of it. so i smoked k2 a couple times then one of my friends freinds introduced me to this girl when i was in walmart. keep in mind id never even kissed a girl(pathetic, i know)she invited me to a concert, so i went to her house and we smoked and drank a lil and we went to bed and i fingered her but over the years my sex drive has been shot, along with size, which she noticed in disgust. blow to my lil ego. she slept facing away from me and the next morning it seemed like she didnt even want me to come to the concert but didnt want to be rude, so i paid for some shrooms (hardly any) and we went to the concert and smoked a some and had shrooms my first time and it was awesome and i was out of place. everyone there had this passion but altho i liked the music and atmosphere, i just stood there because i have no passion, especially when im high now.

We went bak to her house and i dranka lil and smoked and i dont remember much of anything after smoking. all i know is the next day people were pissed off at me and the girl who introduced me to the other girl was being a lot nice than usual. for some reason not knowing what happened bother me a lot, so i started smoking a lot lot of k2 which put me bak into a mental hospital and i moved bak in with my dad on antispycotics and antiderpressants. i took the pills for about 4 and half months (a month and half ago)before i decided i was tired of feeling stupid since the pills werent helping anyway. see heres the dilemna i face now. i smoked weed about 2 weeks ago and it was terrible, i started to forget who i was and my past which is just an amplification of of what ive been feeling the past 6 months since the panic attack. I have these memories i cant place, there are certain times in life i just cant remember, and a great looming feeling that im missing something important. i close my eyes and i see patterns sometimes when i look at the walls i see the faint outline of that same art i see when i close my eyes. im doing everything i can t keep my job that took 5 months to find. but its getting worse and i dont understand whats happening. i just want to be like everyone else, im tired of these pills, i wanna be able to enjoy weed like i used to be able to. Does anyone know why this is happening?
ßÜ ÜþßßßþÜ Û ÜþßßßþÜ

larrylive

"Does anyone know why this is happening?"

Dude, really......re-read your post, it's all right there.

You may want to consider rehab, there are many benefits, including the opportunity to get your psych meds straight. There are programs designed for the dually-diagnosed, addiction and mental health.

I wish you the best and will keep you in my prayers. Oh, and miracles do happen, so don't be shy, talk to God, start now and never stop, there's a long list ahead of you.

Be Well,
Larry

sheerExcellence

I second larry

Frusttrated

i just want to know which drug is making this happen

larrylive

Does it really matter?

You could give them all up for a year, level out, and then try one at a time to isolate the effects. Then try different combonations to see if that was the problem.

Sarcasm: sometimes it just sounds stupid.

Be well,
Larry