Yazooii

I've been an addict for 4 years
I first started using when I was 17
To stop taking morphine I started using opiate based painkillers and an assortment of psychoactive drugs then I got hooked and it didnt really make me stop heroin it only fueled my addiction. Sometimes it would be just heroin sometimes just the pills and sometimes both.
After my father passed away 5 months ago I went down a dark, dark hole. I cut everyone out of my life I was using more than I used to I would take up to 50 assortment of pills everyday my tolerancy was getting too high I was starting to get seizures almost everyday if I could score some opium I was in heaven I'd lock myself in my room for days on end when I look back I don't know how the hell I am alive today. I was going crazy. Talking to the wall, talking to myself, saying nonsensical things. Blackouts. I can't even begin to explain how horrible I looked. I couldnt think, I couldnt talk mid sentence I'd stop and forget what I was saying. I couldnt focus.
and one day 2 weeks after my fathers passing I slit my wrists and wounded up in the hospital.
The drugs took everything away from me. I got kicked out of university, I could never hold a job for long, I've hurt, cheated, and lied to friends and family I pushed them away and today they're all gone. I lost my father and I didnt find out until 3 days later because I was in jail. I will never forgive myself for that.
I want to have hope, I don't want the future to look so dreary and I know only I can change that. I don't want to go back down that road. But all that is easier said than done.
Although I'm not addicted (almost 1 month now) I've been taking pills from time to time. It's the depression, the anxiety and my mood swings I've attempted suicide before and recently after coming out of the hospital I've become more and more suicidal but I don't want to die but I don't want to self medicate either because I know eventually I'll get hooked again and I'd be better off dead than go back to that. The dealers, the withdrawls, the other addicts.. god it was horrible you know what I mean..couldnt sleep or sometimes couldnt get myself to wake up.

Thanks to a member here in SR I went to my first NA meeting yesterday and soon I'm hoping I'll be free.

FMTT

Not much I can say because you sound properly motivated to recover and you seem to be taking proactive measures to guard against relapse. But I'm not a doctor and if there are underlying psychological or emotional issues present then I would definitely suggest that you reach out for professional help as well. Quitting is one thing but staying quit is entirely another thing. Good luck to you.