Day 12, Pushing Through
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 49
Day 12, Pushing Through
I just wanted to give people out there who were going through the same thing or considering kicking an update on my status. I hope it helps to encourage someone or allay some fears about WD. Anyway, I am at day 12 without my regular 2+ year use of hydros (maxed out at 10-15 x 10mg per day or more). Yes, the first two days blow, but I was moderately functional after that and while I don't feel like my energy level is back to normal, I feel pretty good.
Insomnia bothers a lot of people during WD. For me, I have been able to get pretty decent sleep but I am wakeful during the night and once my eyes open at about 5:45 I know that I'm not getting back to sleep. This later effect is more to do with my natural anxiety than anything, I think. My stomach is back to normal and I do fall asleep pretty easily but generally wake up about an hour later and have to toss and turn for a bit to get back to sleep. I have never really cared for pot, but I will say that small amounts helped early in WD.
As I mentioned in earlier posts, I know from prior kicks that I have to be very mindful of my triggers when it comes to opiate use, mainly alcohol (or getting through a hangover) and hitting that 30 day or so mark where you really start to feel good and feel like one pill wouldn't hurt. As many can tell you here, one pill can and will hurt and can send you right back into that addiction spiral.
I got a visit from a former dealer yesterday with all kinds of cheap stuff for sale, I honestly wasn't tempted but I did dream very vividly about it that night. My other mountain to climb post-opiate usage is anxiety, which is common in my family. I just have to develop adult ways of dealing with it, like exercise, healthy socializing and activities that keep me occupied.
I am not happy that I have kicked and relapsed before, but it was really instructive to me in terms of demonstrating how easy it is to fall back off of the wagon. Someone mentioned in an earlier reply that we have to grow and understand ourselves better to truly get past active addiction. I hope that I have learned my lesson, but only time will tell. Staying busy and focusing on your health make a huge difference. I hope that others who struggle with opiates can push through to sobriety. It is not easy, but it is not impossible. Best of luck to all. There is a big, amazing world out there and I hope everyone gets to take full advantage of it.
Insomnia bothers a lot of people during WD. For me, I have been able to get pretty decent sleep but I am wakeful during the night and once my eyes open at about 5:45 I know that I'm not getting back to sleep. This later effect is more to do with my natural anxiety than anything, I think. My stomach is back to normal and I do fall asleep pretty easily but generally wake up about an hour later and have to toss and turn for a bit to get back to sleep. I have never really cared for pot, but I will say that small amounts helped early in WD.
As I mentioned in earlier posts, I know from prior kicks that I have to be very mindful of my triggers when it comes to opiate use, mainly alcohol (or getting through a hangover) and hitting that 30 day or so mark where you really start to feel good and feel like one pill wouldn't hurt. As many can tell you here, one pill can and will hurt and can send you right back into that addiction spiral.
I got a visit from a former dealer yesterday with all kinds of cheap stuff for sale, I honestly wasn't tempted but I did dream very vividly about it that night. My other mountain to climb post-opiate usage is anxiety, which is common in my family. I just have to develop adult ways of dealing with it, like exercise, healthy socializing and activities that keep me occupied.
I am not happy that I have kicked and relapsed before, but it was really instructive to me in terms of demonstrating how easy it is to fall back off of the wagon. Someone mentioned in an earlier reply that we have to grow and understand ourselves better to truly get past active addiction. I hope that I have learned my lesson, but only time will tell. Staying busy and focusing on your health make a huge difference. I hope that others who struggle with opiates can push through to sobriety. It is not easy, but it is not impossible. Best of luck to all. There is a big, amazing world out there and I hope everyone gets to take full advantage of it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 49
I wanted to add another note that maybe people out there can associate with. After you are through the initial, physical WD, I have found the combination of fatigue and anxiety to be totally exasperating. Many probably know what I am talking about, but you both want to do something to help manage the anxiety but you are also worn out. Regardless, I have always felt better on the days I was busy, even if it kicked my ass.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 683
louisdq,
It's been my experience that boredom and inactivity makes new found sobriety, well, just a killjoy! When you get off the meds, you body wants to just sit. You spend the whole day just wanting to get through it so you can get to the net day. When you wake up the next morning, you can't wait for the end of the day so you can go to sleep all for the purpose of getting to the next day.
During this time you also notice the clock moves at agonizingly slow speed. Minute feel like hours and days feel like weeks. You have no motivation to do much of anything except get through this day. It's the polar opposite of the time you were using and time just flew by at break neck speed.
You say to yourself, why am I getting off the pills when there is no seemingly reward in it.
You don't feel any happiness, joy, or mental satisfaction... Just the desire to get to the next day. Then the next day rolls around and you just repeat the last day.
I know I sound like a real killjoy huh? Well, the fact is that what your going through seems like an eternity *BUT* it gets better!
You tell yourself, "I'm doing this to get better. I want to get better. I need to get some things done. I'm just to exhausted to do it".
Guess what? Get UP! GO for a walk in the sunshine. Do your laundry, make yourself a meal. Force yourself to just do these things. When you do, you feel almost robotic. It's as if your mind is completely separate from your body.
Do you know why you feel like this even 12 days out? It's because you are literally retraining your brain. During the time you were using, you were napalming your brain with instant REWARD. When you used, you didn't feel the need to perform an activity that provided a reward in the end. Your brain received it's reward every time you took a pill (or lots of them). I'm willing to bet you didn't feel the desire for "intimacy" or truly enjoy a great meal? That's because all the activities one does that involves a "reward" was replaced with instant reward in the form of a pill.
Here's the good news though. As you begin getting active again you're going to experience reward in minuscule pieces. As you continue, in time, that teensy little reward starts getting bigger and longer. I'm wiling to bet that in another week, you'll find yourself smiling here and there. Not an artificial one either! You will actually begin feeling bits and pieces of real joy! In 30 days, you find that you'll be laughing again without effort. Food will taste really good! You'll even find yourself laughing about the tiniest things like going to the bathroom on a regular basis. You'll wake up in the morning feeling refreshed. You'll look foreword to the rest of the day instead of dreading it.If you are in a relationship, you'll feel WONDERFUL in times of intimacy.
Just last night my wife and I went for a 3-4 mile walk after inner. Afterwards, we spent the evening laying on the couch together watching a movie. Just the act of laying down together and touching her made me feel wonderful beyond words! My brain was pumping out the endorphins & oxytocin. I slept like a baby last night and woke up feeling refreshed. As I was getting up and starting my day, All I could think about was what a wonderful evening I had with the love of my life. It really set the mood for the rest of the day : )
What I can tell you, from lots of experience, is that now is a crucial time in your recovery. Make the most of it by getting exercise, eating a good diet, and connecting with other people. Those three things will speed your recovery time.
Sure, you have have some bad days ahead of you but don't focus on the bad but rather focus on the fact that you are becoming the person you want to be. You have to take baby steps at this point. Don't think about yesterday and don't place expectations on tomorrow. Especially don't place expectations on next week or next month. Focus on today and get you mind and body moving. After all, retraining your brain takes time and effort. You will see your life without pills and most of all, you will soon begin experiencing joy the way it was meant to be.
Sobriety is not just abstaining from pills. It is all about experiencing life no matter what it throws at you. After all, if we as humans never experienced pain or sadness... We we would never truly be able to experience and appreciate real joy and happiness.
It's been my experience that boredom and inactivity makes new found sobriety, well, just a killjoy! When you get off the meds, you body wants to just sit. You spend the whole day just wanting to get through it so you can get to the net day. When you wake up the next morning, you can't wait for the end of the day so you can go to sleep all for the purpose of getting to the next day.
During this time you also notice the clock moves at agonizingly slow speed. Minute feel like hours and days feel like weeks. You have no motivation to do much of anything except get through this day. It's the polar opposite of the time you were using and time just flew by at break neck speed.
You say to yourself, why am I getting off the pills when there is no seemingly reward in it.
You don't feel any happiness, joy, or mental satisfaction... Just the desire to get to the next day. Then the next day rolls around and you just repeat the last day.
I know I sound like a real killjoy huh? Well, the fact is that what your going through seems like an eternity *BUT* it gets better!
You tell yourself, "I'm doing this to get better. I want to get better. I need to get some things done. I'm just to exhausted to do it".
Guess what? Get UP! GO for a walk in the sunshine. Do your laundry, make yourself a meal. Force yourself to just do these things. When you do, you feel almost robotic. It's as if your mind is completely separate from your body.
Do you know why you feel like this even 12 days out? It's because you are literally retraining your brain. During the time you were using, you were napalming your brain with instant REWARD. When you used, you didn't feel the need to perform an activity that provided a reward in the end. Your brain received it's reward every time you took a pill (or lots of them). I'm willing to bet you didn't feel the desire for "intimacy" or truly enjoy a great meal? That's because all the activities one does that involves a "reward" was replaced with instant reward in the form of a pill.
Here's the good news though. As you begin getting active again you're going to experience reward in minuscule pieces. As you continue, in time, that teensy little reward starts getting bigger and longer. I'm wiling to bet that in another week, you'll find yourself smiling here and there. Not an artificial one either! You will actually begin feeling bits and pieces of real joy! In 30 days, you find that you'll be laughing again without effort. Food will taste really good! You'll even find yourself laughing about the tiniest things like going to the bathroom on a regular basis. You'll wake up in the morning feeling refreshed. You'll look foreword to the rest of the day instead of dreading it.If you are in a relationship, you'll feel WONDERFUL in times of intimacy.
Just last night my wife and I went for a 3-4 mile walk after inner. Afterwards, we spent the evening laying on the couch together watching a movie. Just the act of laying down together and touching her made me feel wonderful beyond words! My brain was pumping out the endorphins & oxytocin. I slept like a baby last night and woke up feeling refreshed. As I was getting up and starting my day, All I could think about was what a wonderful evening I had with the love of my life. It really set the mood for the rest of the day : )
What I can tell you, from lots of experience, is that now is a crucial time in your recovery. Make the most of it by getting exercise, eating a good diet, and connecting with other people. Those three things will speed your recovery time.
Sure, you have have some bad days ahead of you but don't focus on the bad but rather focus on the fact that you are becoming the person you want to be. You have to take baby steps at this point. Don't think about yesterday and don't place expectations on tomorrow. Especially don't place expectations on next week or next month. Focus on today and get you mind and body moving. After all, retraining your brain takes time and effort. You will see your life without pills and most of all, you will soon begin experiencing joy the way it was meant to be.
Sobriety is not just abstaining from pills. It is all about experiencing life no matter what it throws at you. After all, if we as humans never experienced pain or sadness... We we would never truly be able to experience and appreciate real joy and happiness.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 49
Thanks for your thoughtful and detailed response. I do already see some of the boons you mention. I have been pretty active through the WD but it has been a force of will thing, not a pleasure in doing something activity. That said, I had a great lunch with a friend today and have been working since 6:30AM and will continue being active until this evening.
But, everything you say rings true. Life does feel robotic and I know the reasons why. I have no intention of going back to the pills for a lot of reasons but first among them is a not too distant memory of how much I enjoyed life before them. I know it is hard to motivate yourself during the first few weeks of WD but it has been really beneficial to me. I can't imagine what a basket case I would be if I had just holed up in my house for the past 12 days. And you're right that time does seem to move much more slowly when I am not actively engaged in something. But, we have to reprogram ourselves, as you say.
Good things are in store and I am so much better today than I was a week ago, any anxiety or listlessness is just the price we pay for what we did to ourselves. Like I said, I am going to keep pushing along. Whereas I was probably at 65% last week I am closer to 75 or 80% today. But, that extra 20% makes a big difference. I just brushed my teeth, for example, and fumbling with the top of the toothpaste tube seemed like such an ordeal. I mean, how ridiculous. However, it has done me a world of good to do all of my laundry and dishes, eat lunch with friends, get work done, hang out with my girl. All good stuff that will just get better over time. So, here's to things getting progressively better!
Thanks again for all the thoughtful words, it helps a lot to read them.
But, everything you say rings true. Life does feel robotic and I know the reasons why. I have no intention of going back to the pills for a lot of reasons but first among them is a not too distant memory of how much I enjoyed life before them. I know it is hard to motivate yourself during the first few weeks of WD but it has been really beneficial to me. I can't imagine what a basket case I would be if I had just holed up in my house for the past 12 days. And you're right that time does seem to move much more slowly when I am not actively engaged in something. But, we have to reprogram ourselves, as you say.
Good things are in store and I am so much better today than I was a week ago, any anxiety or listlessness is just the price we pay for what we did to ourselves. Like I said, I am going to keep pushing along. Whereas I was probably at 65% last week I am closer to 75 or 80% today. But, that extra 20% makes a big difference. I just brushed my teeth, for example, and fumbling with the top of the toothpaste tube seemed like such an ordeal. I mean, how ridiculous. However, it has done me a world of good to do all of my laundry and dishes, eat lunch with friends, get work done, hang out with my girl. All good stuff that will just get better over time. So, here's to things getting progressively better!
Thanks again for all the thoughtful words, it helps a lot to read them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 49
I thought I'd share another observation. I guess this is a personal biochemistry thing, but the last few days, my anxiety has been acute in the mornings but by mid-afternoon I feel fine. It's not for lack of doing things in the mornings, but man is it un-pleasant around then. Hopefully now that I am back on BuSpar that will subside.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 35
Morning anxiety always kicked my ass. Wake up at 430, toss and turn, stare at the ceiling and think....and think......not fun. I got past that at about 2 months and thank god. (once and awhile I'll get a little reminder of the feeling and I'm on day 416. It doesn't last long but it's actually nice to have the reminder so I can remember why I can never go back) Good luck on your journey back from the dark side!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Greensboro, NC
Posts: 683
I'm glad you're keeping ourself busy! That is key to getting over the W/Ds. I've found that getting myself involved with social gatherings help immensely too! IMHO, I think engaging with other people helps your brain get itself back together. It's those people who withdraw from society that tend to start using again. I'm sure you've noticed that when you engage in fun/interesting conversations with people, that you end up feeling good. Exercise is soooo important right now to. It forces your brain to start making all those feel good chemicals again. Intamacy... If you have a spouse or partner, intimacy also makes your brain produce LOTS of feel good chemicals too. You get the endorphins, dopamine, and best of all - oxytocin flowing. zFOr me, it's the best feeling in the whole world when you get close to someone. Not just the act of sex too. Just that feeling of human touch, kissing, etc. It's amazing how your brain rewards you when you get close to someone : )
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