Veritas1

I finished my step one today and my sponsor suggested I go on to step two.

The last time I drank was April 20.

I had my list of what happens to me when I drink, and saw the insanity of the person that could form such a list.

She said keep that in mind as I read We Agnostics and thought about step two.

How I could be restored to sanity.

I read We Agnostics tonight. She suggested reading step two in the 12 and 12 as well.

I will read that next.

I was feeling self pity today.

She helped me to see what is good (positive) versus what is wrong.

She encouraged me to write down goals on paper, date it, and keep it in my big book because she said if I stay sober then I just might be able to see those goals come true one year from now.

Veritas1

I read step 2 in the 12 and 12 and talked it over with my sponsor and am moving forward to step 3 today.

What does it mean to depend on God versus believe in him? This is the question my sponsor asked me to consider. It's one thing to believe in God, and that he can restore me to sanity, but what is it to depend...to turn my will and my life over to Him?

In the 12 and 12, it talked about reliance versus defiance.

I also really enjoyed reading the last two pages of step two.

I learned that it is God's grace that restores me to sanity.

EricL

For me, this is the difference between my words and my actions. It's easy to say that I believe in god, but am I seeking to foster my relationship with him? Am I going on through the work in order to do his will? Am I active in prayer and meditation? Am I being of service? Or, am I simply parroting what I hear others say and then receding back into selfishness when I leave the meeting? Am I making for the door instead of chatting with the newcomer?

One of the many great tenth step promises!

sugarbear1

We have free will, we attempt to have God align our will with His. We are under the care of our Higher Power. The word "care" is important in this step.

tomsteve

to me depending and trusting go hand in hand.
my God is like a high wire artist. i can go to the circus and see the same high wire artist push a wheel barrow along a high wire a thousand times and have faith hes gonna get it done without falling. but if i trust him, i'll get in the wheelbarrow and depend on Him to get me to the other side and try to keep from rockin it!

DayTrader

If we're just breaking those 2 words down......maybe trust is in my head and depend is through action.

Another way to consider them would be if I trust God, He's there when I need Him......a fall-back. Someone/something I can go to when "my way" isn't working. Dependance though.....that suggests a more constant and intimate bond.

I trust my mom......but I don't depend upon her anymore.

Veritas1

I was able to review the work I completed which was researching and writing about the difference between believing in God and depending on God.

Anyway...I found all the definitions, trust, rely, cast burdens, etc.

I read it but I don't feel it for myself. I feel like when I read about what the person that is dependent on God does, what that looks like...it's not really me. I mean, I pray, but I am not like the others that go to church regularly, the lifestyle has always been one of an alter ego...a show if I go...the real me is much darker than the others.

I believe, but don't see myself doing all the things the "good" people do.

Like I can read all about what it would look like to be dependent on God, how I would act, etc.

But I kind of feel like that's not "me".

I'm the girl that gets dolled up to go to church, but would go home and flip open a beer, and finally breathe.

I am not that girl...the good one.

So...I said I have a hard time with the dependence part. The living the Godly way part.

Anyway...the new question is...

Has believing in God ever been enough to keep me from drinking?

I always believed in God, but that didn't stop me from drinking too much.

I say I guess sometimes, I stay sober because I depend on God...

My sponsor asked if I stop depending on God when I drink, and I said, well, turn away from Him, or push aside easily, back burner type experience...I mean, I "know" what it looks like, what it's supposed to look like to be good...

UGH

I wrote all that stuff out like on a mission, find the answers, like a task, but then when I went back to review it last night, it was like it was just words.

tomsteve

faith without works is dead.

Veritas1

Thank you Tom. Funny you mention that. I was seeking, reading...and wound up reading James last night.

It talked about having faith with no works.

I talked to my sponsor about how having faith with no works is dead. I don't know. Faith is faith. I think you don't lose your faith, it does not die...your believing in God does not go away just because you are drunk, right?

But again...I can say, I know, or read it...but I am thinking it's like what she says to me how everything is up in my head, not in my heart.

She told me I have an analytical mind, and to analyze what my believing in God looks like. How has my belief in God been when I was drinking so much for so many years?

(It's like Mark H. talks about in the step one talk I posted...about how you want to see what a man believes?, watch what he does)...well you really don't want to watch my show. If you watched what I do, you would not think I believed in God...or am the holy girl.

I am going around in circles. I don't even know what I am asking.

I guess I am alright.

She encouraged me to listen at meetings for people that describe depending on God.

I guess I would have to go to a meeting to hear that.

I haven't been to one in a couple of weeks. I went last time and had two very good things happen for me, but then I stay away.

tomsteve

...but I am thinking it's like what she says to me how everything is up in my head, not in my heart.
i can relate. but as long as you seek, you will find.

i found one of the best things for me to do still today is to ask God to show me what i need to know. the bugger for me is the answer is always in Gods time and not mine.


sounds like depending on God could be a good topic for ya to bring up at a meeting.

Veritas1

Thank you.

I guess the real question is...why am I so miserable.

StevenT

We made a decision. Doesn't mean it happens. Just that we decide to turn our will and our lives over, for today. Decision implies action, and that's where it comes to us asking God to take our will and lives. Keep it simple

Tommyh

you know Veritas,I heard something on a CD this week

sometimes we have to fight off a lot of happiness to be miserable.
Clint H.

tomsteve

veritas, it is awesome to see you workin so hard to get mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. i have seen one word you use a lot and i suggest ya throw it out of your vocabulary. that word is "guess".
check this out:

I say I guess sometimes, I stay sober because I depend on God...
remove it here.

I guess I would have to go to a meeting to hear that.
remove it here.



I guess I am alright
remove it here

I guess the real question is...why am I so miserable.
remove it here.

read those statements without that word in em.

i stay sober because i depend on God
i would have to go to a meeting to hear that
i am allright
the real question is, why am i miserable.


i bet yer not as miserable as ya think you are. keep workin it and dont give up 5 seconds before the miracle!!!!

Notabobblehead

For me there is all the difference in the world between believing in and depending on God. I too have always “believed” in God. I spent a long time in sobriety being self and meeting reliant. As a direct result I was frequently annoyed, frustrated and angry. I believed in God the whole time.

I had no idea that I had not shifted into God reliance. After almost relapsing I was introduced to the BB. I started working the steps as outlined in the BB.

I could not “think” or “figure out” my way into dependence on God. This is exactly how I became God dependent.

First I made the decision to turn my will and life over to God. Twelve (sober) years into this deal is when I actually took this step.

Secondly, I started inventorying my feelings. I learned to be rigorously honest with why I felt the way I did. Once I had the exact nature of my wrong (usually pride or control issues) I knew what to go to God with.

From my knees, I ask God to direct my thinking. I ask him to remove my pride or whatever shortcoming is going on. I ask him to show me what I can do to be of service to him or my fellow human beings.

As I practiced this, I started drawing nearer and nearer to the God of my understanding.
The more I practice a set prayer and meditation time the more I remember to get with God all throughout the day.

The 11th step says that God disciplines us. Things have moved in me like my selfishness, my control and my short temper to name a few that I would not have thought possible. I found when I try to change I fail. When I want to give it all to God it fails. For me I think of my relationship with God as a partnership. He gets to call the shots though. This is what works for me.

“Having had a spiritual awakening as “the” result of working these step... (12th step)

For me the solution (and relief from self) was not found in the first three steps. I needed to take them all to the best of my ability.

Page 27 of the 12 & 12 (step 2) talks about practicing the rest of the AA program before completely digesting all of step two.

Today I truly know what they mean by “rocketed to the fourth dimension.

Veritas1

Thank you everyone.

Tommyh

why am I so miserable?

character defects that keep you from the sunlight of the spirit is my problem,maybe you can consider it also my friend

Veritas1

My sponsor told me that feelings are not facts. Thank God.

I am not miserable.

That's just a feeling I have sometimes.

I just read step 3 in the 12 and 12.

Good chapter.

tomsteve

keep up the footwork! sounds like ya got a very awesome sponsor!

Veritas1

I do have an awesome sponsor. Thank God.