tomsteve

welp, been feeling like i should type a bit of how i got here, and iffen i feel it, it must be God tellin me to.
i believe i was born an alcoholic and was getting the actions/thoughts in line for that 1st drink( selfish, self centered, low self esteem) dont recall when that was, but it was around 13. alcohol loosened me up and add a joint to it...wow!!! happy fun times!!!!( so i thought).
the drinking did get progressively worse and i was drinking almost every day. all kinds of crap happeneing in my life and blaming everything/everyone for it( imagine that!!LOL).
when i was 23, i was out doin some night fishing with 2 other drinkin friends. lots of alcohol mixed with horseplay and one of them drowned. it was a terrible, tragic event and i became totally screwed up in my head. it didnt stop me from drinking. i got serious remorse, folloed by serious anger. anger at my friend that drowned( i knew him for a long time and never knew he couldnt swim), anger at my other friend, then anger at myself. so i drank to try and stuff it( never did work. any time i drank to stuff, it always came back, but i was a wee bit insane and didnt see that).
i had used many, many excuses to drink, destroyed a lot of relationships, got fired from many,many very good jobs and quit many others.
then in 1996, my dad died. he had done so much to help me in life, but never once lectured me about drinking or what i should do( i now know he knew it woulda been a waste of breath since i knew everything and had to learn on my own). i didnt recall ever telling him thank you or that i loved him and it crushed me. i didnt need an excuse to drink any more. i just wanted to drink.
in 2001 or so, i got introduced to crack. with that, alcohol, and whatever else i got my hands on( except a needle) i found what i was lookin for: no thoughts!!! the only thought that i would have is," i want more!" but the $$ would run out and there were all them f-ed up thoughts again. it all came to a head( i thought) about 1 1/2 years later. crashed my truck, got fired, and got evicted in one week! i was at an all time low and knew i had a problem. started goin to NA. after a few weeks of daily meetinfs, the fog was lifting and i had the brilliant thought that if i just get back to work, i will be better( i recall being told that aint gonna help). welp, about 2 weeks later i got a job. i slacked of on meetings. then i had another brilliant thought:" if i just dont smoke crack anymore, i'll be okay!!!" in no time, was back to drinking and smoking pot and it sure didnt get any better.
i got my 2nd DUI in the end of '03. tsentenced about march 04. that ******* judge made me go to AA! 2 meetings a week for a year.! it didnt stop me from drinking. went to meetings and got drunk after. didnt go for the whole year. stopped about 2 months in. drinking got worse and my tolerance was gettin lower( i never really was a high tolerance drinker. i was very happy that i could prove to anyone they could drink me under the table). then i got introduced to vicodin! now them lil things took away the physical pain i had and raised my tolerance level up.
flash forward to 4/20/05. i was with a woman i had planned on marrying. we were staying at her sisters house as her sister was near then end of her battle with cancer( her sister was a frined of mine before we hooked up). i started drinking and poppin viccy's early in the day. i recall goin back up the the store for my 3rd 12 pack about 4 ish in the afternoon. the rest of the day was a blackout. when i passed back in the next morning, i was told what i had done and said, which wasnt the 1st time i had done or said this. then i was told, "get out!!! get the mother f**k out!!!" i didnt argue.packed a quick bag of clothes and left( luckily i was able to go back to our house where we were living). i was still drunk from the nite before.
as that day wore on, the 4 horseman appeared. the pain of getting drunk finally exceeded the pain of reality. i finally got it from my head to my heart that alcohol was the problem and i had to do something about is. i was desperate.
so what to do? thought about everything i had tried in the past. knew that didnt work. AA would keep poppin up in my head( ya'll planted a seed!) and i would tell myself," hold on, lets see if theres something else that will work. the other thought that kept poppin up was suicide. so, i narrowed it do to 2 choices: go to AA or suicide). i chose to go to AA and see what happens and iffen no change after 90 days, suicide.
welp, there was something different at 90 days. didnt know what it was, but it felt better than what i had felt before, so ikept goin and doin what i was told and what the BB says.
now for an important lesson: getting into a relationship in the first year of recovery, especially with someone as sick as myself, was a BIG MISTAKE! i stayed clean and sober, but she was very sick and kept fallin off the wagon. took a whle for m to get it from my head to my heart.
now for a MAJOR lesson. 13 months into recovery i was diagnosed stage 3c metastatic melanoma after havin a nasty mole carved off of my back. never heard of it. didnt think too much about it. my PC doc sent it to the University of Michigan cancer center. got a call about a week later for an appt with a dermatologist down there. went in and the derm was tellin me a lil and started to show me how to check my lymph nodes. welp, within an hour, i had a few needle biopsies done, then a surgeon came it, said i had to have the lymph nodes carved out from under my left arm, big chunk of skin and tissue carved off my back wehere the mole was, then see one of the oncologists who would discuss clinicla trials, chemo, and possible radiation, pallative care, i would have to go on disability, i will have to be careful using my arm as lymphedema can set in... but theres hope!
all that was overwhelming and the only thing goin through my head was,"HOPE???? what the hell do you mean????" it was quiet 2 hour ride back home. major shock. the next morning major fear set in. i didnt get sober to die!!!!! wtf!?!?!?!?!? so off to my sponsors house. he let me sit there and ramble and cry and was rather shocked when i said i think i have a topic for tonights meeting: God's will."
i have had 6 surgeries to carve out the cancer( one removing a part of the t-6 vertabrae as the cancer got into the bone), a clinical trial that had to be stopped due to recurrance, and 2 rounds of very intense chemo, with the 2nd one being stopped as i came extremely close to dieing, numerous PET and CT scans, blood draws, MRI's, you name it, i prolly have had it.
what has this taught me??? the steps of AA can get a person through some very difficult situations. i am powerless. i dont want to be insane. let god and the doctors do what they do best and keep my nose out of it. be searching and fearless whenever crap comes up. tell god and another human, dont want the defects, give it to god, see if i hurt anyone( and i believe myself and God need to be included), make amends but dont cause further damage, accept i am human, talk to God then shut up and listen. repeat this and help others.
it has taught me that without a higher power, i am screwed. it has taught me that i can scream all i want at my HP. its one sided and he forgives and gives if i seek. it has taught me i only have 1 day and am not guaranteed any others. it has taught me my HP is always with me, no matter what.
i still have cancer, it just isnt active at this time. but that can change. i dont have a choice over that. i am still an alcoholic. the alcoholism i have is not active at this time, but that can change and i do have a choice over that, but only the 1st drink. i choose not to let that happen
i believe one of the greatest things about cancer is that i was only diagnosed with cancer. can ya imagine iffen they told me i'm an alcoholic?!?!?!?!?