My Journey, Step 4
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
My Journey, Step 4
Wow!!!! In the beginning I thought it was about the addict that I had to come to terms with. After reading about this step from Cat, it really is about the codie that I need to come to terms with. This is going to take a while to complete but I can, I must, complete it.
Hopefully I can keep editing this post because filing out all the answers in one sitting is to hard on me at the moment.
IN PREPARING TO TAKE AN INVENTORY:
Am I willing to look honestly at myself? What stands in my way?
Yes, I must. Nothing stands in my way. When one is as desperate as I am, it doesn't matter what others think. The honesty is from me, for me.
Have I sought help from my Higher Power, my sponsor or other Al-Anon members?
I do pray for patience and I do take the advice of those here at SR for guidance. It isn't easy to run my life but what others say but I do because I believe they have walked the path I am seeking.
What suggestions have I tried to see if they might work?
I am working very hard on the idea of "loving detachment" This is still a work in progress.
Do I understand the spiritual principle of an inventory?
What do “searching” and “fearless” mean to me?
What does a “moral inventory” mean?
WE CONTINUE BY EXAMINING OUR ASSETS
An inventory is not just our faults; we must also assess our positive traits and accomplishments. If we are stymied by this task, it can be useful to think about qualities we like in others and whether we may possess that same trait.
In what ways am I caring? How do I empathize with other people? Am I kind to myself? Am I kind to the elderly? Children? My family? My friends? Those in need of my assistance? Am I agreeable and courteous?
How am I tolerant?
Am I open to another’s point of view?
Do I listen in meetings and accept that others have needs different from mine?
Do I practice patience with a newcomer?
How am I trustworthy? Do I pay my bills? Am I prompt? Do I fulfill my commitments? Do I act responsible in my job? How much can my family and friends depend on me?
How am I honest? Do I tell the whole truth? If not, what stops me from telling the truth?
In what ways do I take care of myself? Do I make needed medical appointments? Do I dress appropriately? Do I eat healthy foods? Exercise? Meditate?
How am I respectful? Do I take care of material things, whether mine or others? Do I show respect for the law?
How am I generous? Do I contribute to my group? To the World Service Office triannual appeal? Have I contributed by volunteering to be a trusted servant?
In what ways do I look for the good in others?
How am I kind? Am I considerate of other people? Do I listen patiently to a friend in need? Do I offer help when asked? Do I think to point out the good in others?
How do I open myself up to others?
How am I practical? Do I have a budget? How often do I recognize what needs to be done and then do my share?
How am I dependable? How often do I meet work deadlines? Do I organize well and carry out what I decide to do?
What are my talents? Do I have any artistic gifts? Do I beautify my surroundings? Do I have mechanical skills?
Do I make friends easily? Why or why not?
Do I have trouble with intimate relationships? Why or why not?
In what ways do I express myself clearly and concisely?
How do I see the humor in life and express it?
How am I optimistic?
How do I practice my faith in a Higher Power? In myself? In others? How do I share my faith? Do I have an attitude of gratitude?
How am I humble? Do I ask God for guidance and follow it to the best of my ability? When have I allowed others to share their wisdom with me? Do I ever admit mistakes? How patient am I with myself?
We should now have a list of good qualities to fortify us for the rest of the inventory. With each and every good quality we surveyed, we may have considered a quality we find uncomfortable to acknowledge. A thorough inventory, as we stated in the beginning of this chapter includes our positive as well as negative behaviors and thoughts.
WE CONTINUE BY EXAMINING OUR LIABILITIES
Now our task is to deal with the difficult issues of our lives, past and present. Nothing will be solved by hiding from the truth. Justifying and rationalizing our actions and blaming others for all the problems in our lives will never produce serenity. Remember, we are only asked to take an inventory, not to do anything about what we learn. If we trust in our Higher Power and the guidance of our sponsor, these issues will be dealt with in a loving way as we continue to work the Al-Anon program of recovery.
In what ways am I resentful? Do I harbor grudges? Why?
Whom do I resent from my past? Why? What is my part in it?
Whom do I resent in my immediate environment? Why? What is my part in it?
Do I resent authority figures? Why? What is my part in it?
When do I judge other people harshly and resent their not doing what I think they should?
Do I hold everyone and everything to an impossible standard of ideal perfection?
How do I judge myself?
Am I fearful? What do I fear? Why?
Am I dishonest? Am I holding secrets? Do I lie rather than “cause a scene”? What dishonesty have I hidden from others?
Do I feel sorry for myself? Am I filled with self-pity? How do I feel I have been made a victim? What is my part in it?
Am I a fixer? Do I like to be in charge? Do I get upset when I don’t win? What consequences have I had from taking care of others instead of myself?
In what ways do I trust myself in dealing with others? Do I go to safe places? Do I remove myself from potentially dangerous situations? Even if it’s my own home?
In what ways am I comfortable with my sexuality? Do I enjoy sex? If I am having sexual difficulties, do I know why? Have I sought professional help?
Do I have a God of love or a God of fear in my life? How can I change my attitude toward my Higher Power?
Do I take on responsibilities that are not mine? Why or why not?
Do I feel responsible for someone else’s learning, marriage, or sobriety? How?
Hopefully I can keep editing this post because filing out all the answers in one sitting is to hard on me at the moment.
IN PREPARING TO TAKE AN INVENTORY:
Am I willing to look honestly at myself? What stands in my way?
Yes, I must. Nothing stands in my way. When one is as desperate as I am, it doesn't matter what others think. The honesty is from me, for me.
Have I sought help from my Higher Power, my sponsor or other Al-Anon members?
I do pray for patience and I do take the advice of those here at SR for guidance. It isn't easy to run my life but what others say but I do because I believe they have walked the path I am seeking.
What suggestions have I tried to see if they might work?
I am working very hard on the idea of "loving detachment" This is still a work in progress.
Do I understand the spiritual principle of an inventory?
What do “searching” and “fearless” mean to me?
What does a “moral inventory” mean?
WE CONTINUE BY EXAMINING OUR ASSETS
An inventory is not just our faults; we must also assess our positive traits and accomplishments. If we are stymied by this task, it can be useful to think about qualities we like in others and whether we may possess that same trait.
In what ways am I caring? How do I empathize with other people? Am I kind to myself? Am I kind to the elderly? Children? My family? My friends? Those in need of my assistance? Am I agreeable and courteous?
How am I tolerant?
Am I open to another’s point of view?
Do I listen in meetings and accept that others have needs different from mine?
Do I practice patience with a newcomer?
How am I trustworthy? Do I pay my bills? Am I prompt? Do I fulfill my commitments? Do I act responsible in my job? How much can my family and friends depend on me?
How am I honest? Do I tell the whole truth? If not, what stops me from telling the truth?
In what ways do I take care of myself? Do I make needed medical appointments? Do I dress appropriately? Do I eat healthy foods? Exercise? Meditate?
How am I respectful? Do I take care of material things, whether mine or others? Do I show respect for the law?
How am I generous? Do I contribute to my group? To the World Service Office triannual appeal? Have I contributed by volunteering to be a trusted servant?
In what ways do I look for the good in others?
How am I kind? Am I considerate of other people? Do I listen patiently to a friend in need? Do I offer help when asked? Do I think to point out the good in others?
How do I open myself up to others?
How am I practical? Do I have a budget? How often do I recognize what needs to be done and then do my share?
How am I dependable? How often do I meet work deadlines? Do I organize well and carry out what I decide to do?
What are my talents? Do I have any artistic gifts? Do I beautify my surroundings? Do I have mechanical skills?
Do I make friends easily? Why or why not?
Do I have trouble with intimate relationships? Why or why not?
In what ways do I express myself clearly and concisely?
How do I see the humor in life and express it?
How am I optimistic?
How do I practice my faith in a Higher Power? In myself? In others? How do I share my faith? Do I have an attitude of gratitude?
How am I humble? Do I ask God for guidance and follow it to the best of my ability? When have I allowed others to share their wisdom with me? Do I ever admit mistakes? How patient am I with myself?
We should now have a list of good qualities to fortify us for the rest of the inventory. With each and every good quality we surveyed, we may have considered a quality we find uncomfortable to acknowledge. A thorough inventory, as we stated in the beginning of this chapter includes our positive as well as negative behaviors and thoughts.
WE CONTINUE BY EXAMINING OUR LIABILITIES
Now our task is to deal with the difficult issues of our lives, past and present. Nothing will be solved by hiding from the truth. Justifying and rationalizing our actions and blaming others for all the problems in our lives will never produce serenity. Remember, we are only asked to take an inventory, not to do anything about what we learn. If we trust in our Higher Power and the guidance of our sponsor, these issues will be dealt with in a loving way as we continue to work the Al-Anon program of recovery.
In what ways am I resentful? Do I harbor grudges? Why?
Whom do I resent from my past? Why? What is my part in it?
Whom do I resent in my immediate environment? Why? What is my part in it?
Do I resent authority figures? Why? What is my part in it?
When do I judge other people harshly and resent their not doing what I think they should?
Do I hold everyone and everything to an impossible standard of ideal perfection?
How do I judge myself?
Am I fearful? What do I fear? Why?
Am I dishonest? Am I holding secrets? Do I lie rather than “cause a scene”? What dishonesty have I hidden from others?
Do I feel sorry for myself? Am I filled with self-pity? How do I feel I have been made a victim? What is my part in it?
Am I a fixer? Do I like to be in charge? Do I get upset when I don’t win? What consequences have I had from taking care of others instead of myself?
In what ways do I trust myself in dealing with others? Do I go to safe places? Do I remove myself from potentially dangerous situations? Even if it’s my own home?
In what ways am I comfortable with my sexuality? Do I enjoy sex? If I am having sexual difficulties, do I know why? Have I sought professional help?
Do I have a God of love or a God of fear in my life? How can I change my attitude toward my Higher Power?
Do I take on responsibilities that are not mine? Why or why not?
Do I feel responsible for someone else’s learning, marriage, or sobriety? How?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Hmmm....I guess I can't edit the original post. It was my intention to answer the question in stages with a different colour. This is fine. Perhaps it's a good thing the site doesn't allow editing after a certain time; that is, once an honest thought is penned to paper, it becomes a valuable history of my growth and that history is my journey of growth.
Alright....continuing:
Do I understand the spiritual principle of an inventory?
No one has told me what this is suppose to mean. I think it means making a list of what defines who I am and why. If this is corrent then I can see why putting this on the Internet can be a tough thing to do. I mean, how many people in my life really know me?
But, if I'm going to ask these people here at SR to listen to me and help me survive, then they have the right to know who I am.
What do “searching” and “fearless” mean to me?
Learning and honesty
What does a “moral inventory” mean?
Well, I know what each work means individually so it must be a list of who I am and why. When I wrote my autobiography to myself, I think I did that so I understand it.
Alright....continuing:
Do I understand the spiritual principle of an inventory?
No one has told me what this is suppose to mean. I think it means making a list of what defines who I am and why. If this is corrent then I can see why putting this on the Internet can be a tough thing to do. I mean, how many people in my life really know me?
But, if I'm going to ask these people here at SR to listen to me and help me survive, then they have the right to know who I am.
What do “searching” and “fearless” mean to me?
Learning and honesty
What does a “moral inventory” mean?
Well, I know what each work means individually so it must be a list of who I am and why. When I wrote my autobiography to myself, I think I did that so I understand it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
This step is making me think of myself which I'm not accostombed to doing. I have spent so long focusing on my wife because I believe that was the right thing to do. I still believe it is the right thing to do but, if I'm going to continue working these steps, theen step 4 forces me to focus on myself.
In what ways am I caring? How do I empathize with other people? Am I kind to myself? Am I kind to the elderly? Children? My family? My friends? Those in need of my assistance? Am I agreeable and courteous?
Over a long lifetime, I see where the jobs I had were in the helping professions. Those jobs, and my nature, allowed me to be empathetic. I'm not sure if I was kind to myself. I'd like to think so but I was more focused on others. Perhaps that fact alone means I was kind to myself. I am kind to others regardless of their status (elderly, children, family, friends...etc.). I think I got that from being in a war zone and seeing so much poverty and suffering. Am I agreeable and courteous? Yes...to be otherwise is to simply be a mean person.
How am I tolerant?
Yes. This comes from my desire and ability to be empathetic.
Am I open to another’s point of view?
Yes. To be open to someone else's point of view means that I want to learn. It means I don't want to go through life with blinders on. It is precisely why I am here at SR. I expect, and some people have, told me things I didn't initially believe and things I didn't want to hear but I have to be open about it otherwise I cease to learn and a life without learning becomes very boring.
Do I listen in meetings and accept that others have needs different from mine?
Well, I haven't been to any meetings with respect to Al-Anon. I do consider SR an online meeting and I attend faithfully every day. There are people here with needs that are different than mine and I do accept their needs because it reflects their experiences. Their experiences are important to me because those experiences are important to them.
Do I practice patience with a newcomer?
Yes, because I would like the newcomer to be patient with the old guy
Also, that newcomer, more likely than not, will have knowledge and experiences that are different than mine and hopefully they will share with me.
In what ways am I caring? How do I empathize with other people? Am I kind to myself? Am I kind to the elderly? Children? My family? My friends? Those in need of my assistance? Am I agreeable and courteous?
Over a long lifetime, I see where the jobs I had were in the helping professions. Those jobs, and my nature, allowed me to be empathetic. I'm not sure if I was kind to myself. I'd like to think so but I was more focused on others. Perhaps that fact alone means I was kind to myself. I am kind to others regardless of their status (elderly, children, family, friends...etc.). I think I got that from being in a war zone and seeing so much poverty and suffering. Am I agreeable and courteous? Yes...to be otherwise is to simply be a mean person.
How am I tolerant?
Yes. This comes from my desire and ability to be empathetic.
Am I open to another’s point of view?
Yes. To be open to someone else's point of view means that I want to learn. It means I don't want to go through life with blinders on. It is precisely why I am here at SR. I expect, and some people have, told me things I didn't initially believe and things I didn't want to hear but I have to be open about it otherwise I cease to learn and a life without learning becomes very boring.
Do I listen in meetings and accept that others have needs different from mine?
Well, I haven't been to any meetings with respect to Al-Anon. I do consider SR an online meeting and I attend faithfully every day. There are people here with needs that are different than mine and I do accept their needs because it reflects their experiences. Their experiences are important to me because those experiences are important to them.
Do I practice patience with a newcomer?
Yes, because I would like the newcomer to be patient with the old guy
Also, that newcomer, more likely than not, will have knowledge and experiences that are different than mine and hopefully they will share with me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Some of these questions are getting pretty personal and I'm not to clear what they have to do with what I am going through but I trust the process enough to continue.
How am I trustworthy? Do I pay my bills? Am I prompt? Do I fulfill my commitments? Do I act responsible in my job? How much can my family and friends depend on me?
Yes....my Dad gave me a very good work ethic that I have carried my whole life. I am grateful that I was able to impart those same qualities to my daughter.
How am I honest? Do I tell the whole truth? If not, what stops me from telling the truth?
I'm honest because I don't lie. If I don't tell the WHOLE truth, I think it is not that I am lying but rather an ommission. I've always believed in the adage of: "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all." I equate honesty with not lying or stealing.
In what ways do I take care of myself? Do I make needed medical appointments? Do I dress appropriately? Do I eat healthy foods? Exercise? Meditate?
Well, I do make needed medical appointments and dress appropriately but I don't eat as healthy as I should nor do I exercise as much as I should. I don't meditate either. I'd like to think I take care of my physical needs and I had to come here to SR to take care of my mental needs.
How am I respectful? Do I take care of material things, whether mine or others? Do I show respect for the law?
Yes. I am a firm believer in "Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you". I'm also a very firm believer in Karma. Plus my Dad taught me respect which I, in turn, taught my daughter.
How am I generous? Do I contribute to my group? To the World Service Office triannual appeal? Have I contributed by volunteering to be a trusted servant?
I'm generous to the best of my ability. Could I do better? Yes, I most certainly could do better. I think if I wasn't caring for my wife, I'd like to volunteer to help those less fortunate than me. I can see that this one is going to require some reflection from me.
How am I trustworthy? Do I pay my bills? Am I prompt? Do I fulfill my commitments? Do I act responsible in my job? How much can my family and friends depend on me?
Yes....my Dad gave me a very good work ethic that I have carried my whole life. I am grateful that I was able to impart those same qualities to my daughter.
How am I honest? Do I tell the whole truth? If not, what stops me from telling the truth?
I'm honest because I don't lie. If I don't tell the WHOLE truth, I think it is not that I am lying but rather an ommission. I've always believed in the adage of: "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all." I equate honesty with not lying or stealing.
In what ways do I take care of myself? Do I make needed medical appointments? Do I dress appropriately? Do I eat healthy foods? Exercise? Meditate?
Well, I do make needed medical appointments and dress appropriately but I don't eat as healthy as I should nor do I exercise as much as I should. I don't meditate either. I'd like to think I take care of my physical needs and I had to come here to SR to take care of my mental needs.
How am I respectful? Do I take care of material things, whether mine or others? Do I show respect for the law?
Yes. I am a firm believer in "Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you". I'm also a very firm believer in Karma. Plus my Dad taught me respect which I, in turn, taught my daughter.
How am I generous? Do I contribute to my group? To the World Service Office triannual appeal? Have I contributed by volunteering to be a trusted servant?
I'm generous to the best of my ability. Could I do better? Yes, I most certainly could do better. I think if I wasn't caring for my wife, I'd like to volunteer to help those less fortunate than me. I can see that this one is going to require some reflection from me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by tomsteve 
can you explain what the "codie" is?
Before I started this process, I always thought the problem was the alcoholic. After reading what others have posted and the book: "Codependent No More", I realized I can't fix the alcoholic's problem, I could only fix mine....and my problem is that I am co-dependent. It seems to me that step 4 is about me, the codependent (codie for short), not the alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Spes
Before I started this process, I always thought the problem was the alcoholic. After reading what others have posted and the book: "Codependent No More", I realized I can't fix the alcoholic's problem, I could only fix mine....and my problem is that I am co-dependent. It seems to me that step 4 is about me, the codependent (codie for short), not the alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
I read the posts by others and I see their daily struggles and wonder how they can survive. By that, I mean, they have to go to work and they have children that need time and care. It's easier for me because I can spend entire days reading books, reading posts, and quietly reflecting on these steps. In other words, my recovery is a full time job and the only thing I have to do. I can see progress within myself to the extent that I do not have the desperation I had when I first arrived here at SR a month ago. Perhaps this is only a temporary state but it is what drives my determination to work these 12 steps.
In what ways do I look for the good in others?
I think it's an attitude and that is difficult for me. Working within the legal system exposed me to the bad in others although my inherent nature is to be the eternal optimist.
How am I kind? Am I considerate of other people? Do I listen patiently to a friend in need? Do I offer help when asked? Do I think to point out the good in others?
How am I kind? I'd like to think so. I think it comes from having a loving relationship with my daughter. Because of her, I've needed to be able to do all those things. It just means treating others the same way I treat my daughter.
How do I open myself up to others?
By doing exactly what I am doing here. It requires a lot of faith and trust for me to put all this on the Internet. If I didn't have faith in the board administrators, I'd simply work the steps in private.
How am I practical? Do I have a budget? How often do I recognize what needs to be done and then do my share?
Yes, Yes, and every day. If I didn't, I would not survive. I am not in the position that I can depend on another person.
How am I dependable? How often do I meet work deadlines? Do I organize well and carry out what I decide to do?
I run the household. I shop, cook, clean, and do whatever is necessary for our survival. I am not overwhelmed because I do not need to work for income.
What are my talents? Do I have any artistic gifts? Do I beautify my surroundings? Do I have mechanical skills?
Interesting question and more ineresting that it follows my last answer. I have many talents in the arts and I possess that trait of "the artist within" Regretfully, I seemed to have set that aside as I tend to my wife.
Do I make friends easily? Why or why not?
Yes, although my circle of friends are limited. I value loyalty and pick my friends carefully because my friends are friends for life.
Do I have trouble with intimate relationships? Why or why not?
No. I'm not to sure how to answer why I don't. I just don't have trouble with intimacy.
In what ways do I express myself clearly and concisely?
In writing and speaking. Most likely from my education and previous jobs.
How do I see the humor in life and express it?
Yes It's easier to smile and laugh than it is to frown and bitch.
How am I optimistic?
I'd like to think so, otherwise I would not be here.
How do I practice my faith in a Higher Power? In myself? In others? How do I share my faith? Do I have an attitude of gratitude?
I don't practice in the sense of religion or church. I do have a sense that I am NOT the center of my universe. If I had to define my philosophy, it may be closest to that of a Buddhist
How am I humble? Do I ask God for guidance and follow it to the best of my ability? When have I allowed others to share their wisdom with me? Do I ever admit mistakes? How patient am I with myself?
Over a lifetime I have worked very hard to lose the need for control and the need for approval. I do admit my mistakes and I try to be patient with myself. I believe I have done this because of my daughter. We have a very good relationship because I have done these things. Being a Dad can be a very humbling experience
In what ways do I look for the good in others?
I think it's an attitude and that is difficult for me. Working within the legal system exposed me to the bad in others although my inherent nature is to be the eternal optimist.
How am I kind? Am I considerate of other people? Do I listen patiently to a friend in need? Do I offer help when asked? Do I think to point out the good in others?
How am I kind? I'd like to think so. I think it comes from having a loving relationship with my daughter. Because of her, I've needed to be able to do all those things. It just means treating others the same way I treat my daughter.
How do I open myself up to others?
By doing exactly what I am doing here. It requires a lot of faith and trust for me to put all this on the Internet. If I didn't have faith in the board administrators, I'd simply work the steps in private.
How am I practical? Do I have a budget? How often do I recognize what needs to be done and then do my share?
Yes, Yes, and every day. If I didn't, I would not survive. I am not in the position that I can depend on another person.
How am I dependable? How often do I meet work deadlines? Do I organize well and carry out what I decide to do?
I run the household. I shop, cook, clean, and do whatever is necessary for our survival. I am not overwhelmed because I do not need to work for income.
What are my talents? Do I have any artistic gifts? Do I beautify my surroundings? Do I have mechanical skills?
Interesting question and more ineresting that it follows my last answer. I have many talents in the arts and I possess that trait of "the artist within" Regretfully, I seemed to have set that aside as I tend to my wife.
Do I make friends easily? Why or why not?
Yes, although my circle of friends are limited. I value loyalty and pick my friends carefully because my friends are friends for life.
Do I have trouble with intimate relationships? Why or why not?
No. I'm not to sure how to answer why I don't. I just don't have trouble with intimacy.
In what ways do I express myself clearly and concisely?
In writing and speaking. Most likely from my education and previous jobs.
How do I see the humor in life and express it?
Yes
It's easier to smile and laugh than it is to frown and bitch.How am I optimistic?
I'd like to think so, otherwise I would not be here.
How do I practice my faith in a Higher Power? In myself? In others? How do I share my faith? Do I have an attitude of gratitude?
I don't practice in the sense of religion or church. I do have a sense that I am NOT the center of my universe. If I had to define my philosophy, it may be closest to that of a Buddhist
How am I humble? Do I ask God for guidance and follow it to the best of my ability? When have I allowed others to share their wisdom with me? Do I ever admit mistakes? How patient am I with myself?
Over a lifetime I have worked very hard to lose the need for control and the need for approval. I do admit my mistakes and I try to be patient with myself. I believe I have done this because of my daughter. We have a very good relationship because I have done these things. Being a Dad can be a very humbling experience
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
WE CONTINUE BY EXAMINING OUR LIABILITIES
Now our task is to deal with the difficult issues of our lives, past and present. Nothing will be solved by hiding from the truth. Justifying and rationalizing our actions and blaming others for all the problems in our lives will never produce serenity. Remember, we are only asked to take an inventory, not to do anything about what we learn. If we trust in our Higher Power and the guidance of our sponsor, these issues will be dealt with in a loving way as we continue to work the Al-Anon program of recovery.
In what ways am I resentful? Do I harbor grudges? Why?
Sometimes I'm resentful that I do all the work in the household. Sometimes I'm resentful that she will wish we had more money but will not go out and get a job. I do harbor grudges against those that betray my trust and loyalty. Why? I don't know. I suspect this is one of those things I need to work on.
Whom do I resent from my past? Why? What is my part in it?
Probably my immediate family because I wouldn't live the life they expect. My fault was having approval issues. I no longer have those issues but I have not gone out of my way to "fix" that part of my past.
Whom do I resent in my immediate environment? Why? What is my part in it?
My wife not being an equal partner because she is killing herself with alcohol. My part? Trying to fix it. I really need to work on the loving detachment thing.
Do I resent authority figures? Why? What is my part in it?
No, I used to be an authority figure; I understand why I did what I did.
When do I judge other people harshly and resent their not doing what I think they should?
Not anymore. I've worked hard to give up control issues. When I think I am reverting back; I go shopping in Walmart and regain my patience and non-judgemental attitude
Do I hold everyone and everything to an impossible standard of ideal perfection?
No....my Dad taught me to do the best I can and that only God is perfect. I don't have the right, nor the desire, to judge others.
Now that I wrote that last line here.....am I not judging my wife if I am resentful of the consequences of her drinking? I need to reflect on this for a while
Now our task is to deal with the difficult issues of our lives, past and present. Nothing will be solved by hiding from the truth. Justifying and rationalizing our actions and blaming others for all the problems in our lives will never produce serenity. Remember, we are only asked to take an inventory, not to do anything about what we learn. If we trust in our Higher Power and the guidance of our sponsor, these issues will be dealt with in a loving way as we continue to work the Al-Anon program of recovery.
In what ways am I resentful? Do I harbor grudges? Why?
Sometimes I'm resentful that I do all the work in the household. Sometimes I'm resentful that she will wish we had more money but will not go out and get a job. I do harbor grudges against those that betray my trust and loyalty. Why? I don't know. I suspect this is one of those things I need to work on.
Whom do I resent from my past? Why? What is my part in it?
Probably my immediate family because I wouldn't live the life they expect. My fault was having approval issues. I no longer have those issues but I have not gone out of my way to "fix" that part of my past.
Whom do I resent in my immediate environment? Why? What is my part in it?
My wife not being an equal partner because she is killing herself with alcohol. My part? Trying to fix it. I really need to work on the loving detachment thing.
Do I resent authority figures? Why? What is my part in it?
No, I used to be an authority figure; I understand why I did what I did.
When do I judge other people harshly and resent their not doing what I think they should?
Not anymore. I've worked hard to give up control issues. When I think I am reverting back; I go shopping in Walmart and regain my patience and non-judgemental attitude
Do I hold everyone and everything to an impossible standard of ideal perfection?
No....my Dad taught me to do the best I can and that only God is perfect. I don't have the right, nor the desire, to judge others.
Now that I wrote that last line here.....am I not judging my wife if I am resentful of the consequences of her drinking? I need to reflect on this for a while
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This place is amazing. I had just written that last line in my last post above.....and what do I read next:
Thank you Laurie
Originally Posted by laurie6781
When the 'acceptance' comes, the resentment leaves.
Hope that helps a little bit.
Love and hugs,
Hope that helps a little bit.
Love and hugs,
Thank you Laurie
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I read something yesterday in the book: "The Addictive Personality" that talk therapy doesn't work with addicts because the issue is at an emotional level rather than an intellectual level. Now, I'm not entirely clear on what that means and I know I'll need to re-read all these books over again but, as I re-read all thesse questions and answers to my step study over and over again, little rays of light keeping poppong through to give me insight about why I am feeling the way I do.
I quoted that thought from the book because it makes sense that others can't simply tell me what to do to re-gain peace in my life but rather it's a cascade of feelings that I must peel back to get back to the true person that is my.
I will say that the more I read of my friends here at SR the more I realize that they are less fortunate than me and thaat really upsets and saddens me. While I can certainly empathize with what they are going through; their experences and psyche has been far more damaged than mine. I am grateful that they have recognize that I am suffering and it amazes me that even though their suffering surpasses me in severity, they will still do everything they can to help and support me.
Perhaps this is the key to our mutual recovery.
On the the last part of step 4:
How do I judge myself?
I think I judge myself against others; I mean, judgement by definition needs a standard to judge against. If that is true then it's that old adage "Keeping up with the Jione's" I did that for a lifetime but I don't think I do that anymore. Age has this wonderful ability to make us think we no longer care what others think about us. I've gotten to the point in my life where my financial status, where I live, what I drive, and how I dress is as good as it's going to get....and I'm actually very happy with where I am at....in the eyes of others. I guess that is how I judged myself. Interesting question.
Am I fearful? What do I fear? Why?
Yes, I'm fearful of being alone. Honestly? From being abandoned as a child.
Am I dishonest? Am I holding secrets? Do I lie rather than “cause a scene”? What dishonesty have I hidden from others?
I am an honest person. Yes, I'd like to think some things in my past are better left in the past. I don't think I lie but, yes, I keep my silence rather than "cause a scene". In my younger years prior to my daughter being with me, I did drugs. It took me many years to dig myself out of that hole. I've never told her or my family (other than my wife) any of this.
Do I feel sorry for myself? Am I filled with self-pity? How do I feel I have been made a victim? What is my part in it?
Yes, yes, my present life, being a codie. Someone posted here that he had confused pity with love during his marriage. I'm still working on this but I hope to God I don't come out the end of this journey learning that I have confused pity with love.
Am I a fixer? Do I like to be in charge? Do I get upset when I don’t win? What consequences have I had from taking care of others instead of myself?
That pretty well defines why I am here working these steps. The consequence is that I have lost myself to craziness. If I don't come to terms with this and find peace, I'll be more crazy than I already am.
In what ways do I trust myself in dealing with others? Do I go to safe places? Do I remove myself from potentially dangerous situations? Even if it’s my own home?
With others outside my home, I rely on my training. In my own home with my wife, I will do or say nothing till she is sober enough that I can speak to her rather than the alcohol.
In what ways am I comfortable with my sexuality? Do I enjoy sex? If I am having sexual difficulties, do I know why? Have I sought professional help?
I'm fine with my sexuality. Yes, I enjoy it. Difficulties? Only those related to side effects from prescribed medication. Professional help? At my age, it's not a priority.
Do I have a God of love or a God of fear in my life? How can I change my attitude toward my Higher Power?
Good question, I was raised a Catholic so I was raised by a God of fear. Not anymore which is why I do not go to church. I live by a benevolent God. I believe in a higher power, I just need to believe more in that poem: "Footprints in the Sand."
Do I take on responsibilities that are not mine? Why or why not?
Yes because I thought that is what a loving husband does. Learning loving detachment is not easy.
Do I feel responsible for someone else’s learning, marriage, or sobriety? How?
Yes....see previous answer
I can see where I will be reflecting on this step for a while. There isn't a test to guage my progress, it's a process to change my codependent actions and thoughts.
I quoted that thought from the book because it makes sense that others can't simply tell me what to do to re-gain peace in my life but rather it's a cascade of feelings that I must peel back to get back to the true person that is my.
I will say that the more I read of my friends here at SR the more I realize that they are less fortunate than me and thaat really upsets and saddens me. While I can certainly empathize with what they are going through; their experences and psyche has been far more damaged than mine. I am grateful that they have recognize that I am suffering and it amazes me that even though their suffering surpasses me in severity, they will still do everything they can to help and support me.
Perhaps this is the key to our mutual recovery.
On the the last part of step 4:
How do I judge myself?
I think I judge myself against others; I mean, judgement by definition needs a standard to judge against. If that is true then it's that old adage "Keeping up with the Jione's" I did that for a lifetime but I don't think I do that anymore. Age has this wonderful ability to make us think we no longer care what others think about us. I've gotten to the point in my life where my financial status, where I live, what I drive, and how I dress is as good as it's going to get....and I'm actually very happy with where I am at....in the eyes of others. I guess that is how I judged myself. Interesting question.
Am I fearful? What do I fear? Why?
Yes, I'm fearful of being alone. Honestly? From being abandoned as a child.
Am I dishonest? Am I holding secrets? Do I lie rather than “cause a scene”? What dishonesty have I hidden from others?
I am an honest person. Yes, I'd like to think some things in my past are better left in the past. I don't think I lie but, yes, I keep my silence rather than "cause a scene". In my younger years prior to my daughter being with me, I did drugs. It took me many years to dig myself out of that hole. I've never told her or my family (other than my wife) any of this.
Do I feel sorry for myself? Am I filled with self-pity? How do I feel I have been made a victim? What is my part in it?
Yes, yes, my present life, being a codie. Someone posted here that he had confused pity with love during his marriage. I'm still working on this but I hope to God I don't come out the end of this journey learning that I have confused pity with love.
Am I a fixer? Do I like to be in charge? Do I get upset when I don’t win? What consequences have I had from taking care of others instead of myself?
That pretty well defines why I am here working these steps. The consequence is that I have lost myself to craziness. If I don't come to terms with this and find peace, I'll be more crazy than I already am.
In what ways do I trust myself in dealing with others? Do I go to safe places? Do I remove myself from potentially dangerous situations? Even if it’s my own home?
With others outside my home, I rely on my training. In my own home with my wife, I will do or say nothing till she is sober enough that I can speak to her rather than the alcohol.
In what ways am I comfortable with my sexuality? Do I enjoy sex? If I am having sexual difficulties, do I know why? Have I sought professional help?
I'm fine with my sexuality. Yes, I enjoy it. Difficulties? Only those related to side effects from prescribed medication. Professional help? At my age, it's not a priority.
Do I have a God of love or a God of fear in my life? How can I change my attitude toward my Higher Power?
Good question, I was raised a Catholic so I was raised by a God of fear. Not anymore which is why I do not go to church. I live by a benevolent God. I believe in a higher power, I just need to believe more in that poem: "Footprints in the Sand."
Do I take on responsibilities that are not mine? Why or why not?
Yes because I thought that is what a loving husband does. Learning loving detachment is not easy.
Do I feel responsible for someone else’s learning, marriage, or sobriety? How?
Yes....see previous answer
I can see where I will be reflecting on this step for a while. There isn't a test to guage my progress, it's a process to change my codependent actions and thoughts.
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Posts: 253
I am blown away but the steady stream of sharing and insight from the incredible people in this forum. I just read this thread by lillamy a few minutes ago and it dropped me to my knees in tears: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ends-long.html
Thank you lillamy
Thank you lillamy
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I'm reminded of that quote by Coach Jimmie Johnson: "if you're gonna talk the talk, you gotta walk the walk"
It's all fine and good to talk about my moral inventory but it's more important to do something about it. I think that any "deficiency" must be a function of control. It's my nature to try to make everything in my world right but what happens if I share that world with someone who chooses to not abide by my definition of right?
I would only have 2 choices...leave it or learn to live with it without judgement. I can't change the alcoholic; I've come to that stark realization a few days after arriving here at SR. So, if I can't change it and I chose not to leave it, then that leaves me with one path...learn to live with it without judgement.
There is nothing I can say to make that happen, it is daily actions that I must do that will eventually lead my to the peace I desire. I may relapse and I may have bad days but as long as I have this single idea ahead of my, I "walk the walk", then I will get there.
It starts this very moment.
It's all fine and good to talk about my moral inventory but it's more important to do something about it. I think that any "deficiency" must be a function of control. It's my nature to try to make everything in my world right but what happens if I share that world with someone who chooses to not abide by my definition of right?
I would only have 2 choices...leave it or learn to live with it without judgement. I can't change the alcoholic; I've come to that stark realization a few days after arriving here at SR. So, if I can't change it and I chose not to leave it, then that leaves me with one path...learn to live with it without judgement.
There is nothing I can say to make that happen, it is daily actions that I must do that will eventually lead my to the peace I desire. I may relapse and I may have bad days but as long as I have this single idea ahead of my, I "walk the walk", then I will get there.
It starts this very moment.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
This is a slow yet steady process. In my whole life, progress was measured by outward accomplishments but, in this case, progress is measured from within. The problem is not my wife, the problem is not the daily difficulties of living with an alcoholic, the problem is my mind. Once I got that realization, life became much easier.
I used to think loving detachment was an oxymoron; it isn't. Detachment is not detachment from her as a person, it is detachment from the alcohol
I don't have the answers but I feel less deperate as time goes on. It's true, she does have a disease and I am a hopsice caretaker. I will give her the dignity of dying in peace knowing that I am not the doctor. Ironically, she is the doctor for her own survival but I can't even tell her that.
I'm noticing that working the steps is not a linear process; that is, one must be learned completely to move to the next one like college courses. I find that I am constantly going back to previous steps that seem to reinforce the more current steps.
I used to think loving detachment was an oxymoron; it isn't. Detachment is not detachment from her as a person, it is detachment from the alcohol
I don't have the answers but I feel less deperate as time goes on. It's true, she does have a disease and I am a hopsice caretaker. I will give her the dignity of dying in peace knowing that I am not the doctor. Ironically, she is the doctor for her own survival but I can't even tell her that.
I'm noticing that working the steps is not a linear process; that is, one must be learned completely to move to the next one like college courses. I find that I am constantly going back to previous steps that seem to reinforce the more current steps.
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Wow.
Spes, I am new here (just a few days), and I found your thread via an appeal about the Step 4 I made on another thread. Thank you for your candid and heartfelt sharing. I have been working on the 12 steps using the AA model, but realize that was keeping me still too attached to my A. I will look for the Al-Anon version and follow it as you have. Thank you so much.
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Originally Posted by Sosquare
I will look for the Al-Anon version and follow it as you have. Thank you so much.
Catspajamas posts them for each step as a sticky titled: "Intro Step #" at the top of each step
I have found that treating this as an open journal is helping me. I wish you well in your journey of recovery.
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